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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He left me after 11 years

49 replies

BrokenRainbow22 · 22/08/2022 00:53

Good evening, posting late as I can't sleep.
My partner walked out Friday and didn't look back. I will give you a little background information even though I know exactly what people are going to respond.

we have been together 11 years and have 2 dc. Our relationship wasn't very healthy he was quite controlling, I haven't had a phone for 2 years, I haven't really been able to socialise with family or friends for years unless we have had a break in our relationship, Which we have had a few tbf. He had a phome, could see his family, friends etc.

I've been suffering severe depression for the last year and a half and needed a medication review with my gp on Thursday which I attended, he waited outside in the car but when I walked into the waiting room my friend was waiting to be seen with her new born baby. It was lovely to see her and we had a very brief conversation, then she went into her appointment and we said our goodbyes and I went into my appointment.
My partner saw her leaving and even though my friend spoke to him in the car he still decided to make a huge deal out of it once we got home.
He absolutely hit the roof, accusing me of bad mouthing him to her which is absolutely not true, he locked me in the house and started shouting at me, I jumped out of the living room window and walked 4 miles to a different friends house just for a break. I've never done that before but I really didn't want to get into a big argument which is where it would have ended up.
I went back home Friday when my friend finally got out of bed to call me a taxi off her phone, when I walked through the door he walked out of it without a second glance.

I'm absolutely gutted and so mad at myself for walking out of the house that day or he would still be here. Please I know what everybody reaction is going to be but remember this is my life and this is how I've lived for a very long time. Just me him and out children, now he's gone I feel completely lost and very very vulnerable.

OP posts:
SpinCityBlues · 22/08/2022 01:03

You say you know what everyone's reaction is going to be. What do you think that is?

Meanwhile Flowers I really do appreciate this isn't easy, because you've been effectively brainwashed. Your priorities must be you and the DC and immediate needs, your safety, getting some key paperwork in order (like knowing where passports etc are), contacting any family or friends that you are in touch with to give them a heads up, Women's Aid (would be useful, honestly), and taking stock.

The reason? He will turn up again and he is abusive. You do need to get your head around leaving (or getting him to leave).

And get a cheap phone and rejoin the world. I take it you do have broadband where you are?

41andtryingforfirst · 22/08/2022 01:04

@BrokenRainbow22 I'm not going to state the obvious as you've asked us not to.

A break up is incredibly hard, especially when there are children involved. Right now, you can't see the wood for the trees as you are still very much in the thick of it. It will be horrible and will take time to adjust to being on your own and to get over him. You will cry and feel lonely and angry and all sorts of other emotions as you've experienced a loss and you'll be grieving.

But, it will get easier. You will eventually find a way through it and be much happier. You'll learn a lot about yourself, and your needs and you'll start to take care of yourself much more than you have been due to the impact this has had on your mental health.

You'll look back on this time with sadness but you'll also realise this was a huge turning point for you - I really think you're going to come out of this stronger, happier and more independent.

This will pass. You will be ok. Stay strong and look after yourself. I've been there - you're going to be fine xx

BrokenRainbow22 · 22/08/2022 01:08

@SpinCityBlues probably that the relationship is toxic, he is abusing me and he will never change. I have heard it many times over the years but it doesn't stop me loving him as much as I do.

I have broadband I'm currently using my daughter's tablet, a cheap phone is On my list but I feel bad for getting one like I'm doing something wrong.

OP posts:
BrokenRainbow22 · 22/08/2022 01:12

@41andtryingforfirst thank you. I really hope time does heal, I know I shouldn't have left but I came back, he left and took all of his stuff so he has no plans to come back 😪xx

OP posts:
41andtryingforfirst · 22/08/2022 01:14

@BrokenRainbow22 I completely understand that you feel you love him very much despite the issues.

You now need to learn to love yourself. Sounds incredibly corny but you don't need him to make you feel worthy.

Just be kind to yourself. You'll get there, I promise x

rocksonrocks · 22/08/2022 01:15

This is a blessing in disguise OP. You will be so very glad for it in years to come.

Flowers
J0y · 22/08/2022 01:20

You will feel bad for getting a phone,?
:-( he has trained you to feel his controlling emotions but not to feel your own needs.

On phone here, but tomorrow I will come back to this thread and type out our Rights as a woman from the anne dickson book. They were very comforting to me when I left my controlling x

BrokenRainbow22 · 22/08/2022 01:44

@J0y I know, I must sound crazy!
Thank you for taking time to read and respond

OP posts:
J0y · 22/08/2022 01:52

not crazy but you sound like you've lost yourself. You were ordered to lose yourself and if you went along with that it was a 'survival' tool. people do this, Fight, Flight, Fawn, Freeze, they're all responses to stress, danger and trauma and people do what they need to do to survive.

But the irony is that what helps you survive in the minute to minute can be what prevents you from seizing the day and leaving/escaping.

Thank goodness this is over now. He has done you a favour. There's another active thread from a woman who cannot leave a man who is an abusive lunatic.

Time for self-compassion now. x
Look after yourself, and the number one way to do that is to cut contact with people who are horrible to you.

J0y · 22/08/2022 01:54

Read ''my bf believes his pants are another man's'' and you will see that your lunatic abusive 'partner' has done you the favour of leaving you and compared to this woman you're well, not lucky, but free now. You didn't deserve what happened so I don't mean you are lucky. I mean she is in a worse position because he didn't leave her.

mommynette · 22/08/2022 01:57

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HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd · 22/08/2022 02:00

BrokenRainbow22 · 22/08/2022 01:08

@SpinCityBlues probably that the relationship is toxic, he is abusing me and he will never change. I have heard it many times over the years but it doesn't stop me loving him as much as I do.

I have broadband I'm currently using my daughter's tablet, a cheap phone is On my list but I feel bad for getting one like I'm doing something wrong.

You need some support to set your head straight again.

Contact your local refuge or womens aid. You need outreach.

Monday55 · 22/08/2022 02:01

He hasn't actually left. He just wants to punish you and he knows you're going to beg him to return home. Once he's back he's going to have control over you again.

This is not a way to live. Find the will to let him go and gain control of your life again. It may seem hard now but in 2months time you'll look back and beat yourself up for ever wasting your valuable time on a abusive relationship.

OriginalUsername2 · 22/08/2022 02:07

This will sound harsh (and I wish you all the strength in the world to leave!) but truth moves us forward and I’ve been in your position: You’re unintentionally normalising abusive relationships for your little girl.

HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd · 22/08/2022 02:17

If you want to save yourself and the D.C. from this horrible dynamic, make a plan now for how you’ll deal with him if he comes back.

Can you change the locks? Do you have bolts or a Chubb key that you can turn sideways in the lock to keep him out?

Make a list of all the things you need to do to start afresh without him (benefits, tenancy, work, training, name on accounts…)

Keep busy until the panicked feeling of wanting things to go back to (toxic) “normal” starts to wear off.

BadNomad · 22/08/2022 02:39

He'll be back, unfortunately.

Enjoy the peace while you can. Isn't it nice being able to do what you want at 2am?

Coyoacan · 22/08/2022 03:37

Sorry, but where were your children when you left through the window?

mathanxiety · 22/08/2022 04:09

CALL WOMEN'S AID.

0808 2000 247.

You need help.

Your children need help.

FlowerArranger · 22/08/2022 04:17

mathanxiety · 22/08/2022 04:09

CALL WOMEN'S AID.

0808 2000 247.

You need help.

Your children need help.

THIS.

Please can you now do, FINALLY!! - what you need to do!!

For your children's sake if not your own...

W0tnow · 22/08/2022 05:02

He will absolutely be back. Please think of your children and get them out of such an awful environment.

newbiename · 22/08/2022 05:59

This reply has been deleted

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He's an abuser

loislovesstewie · 22/08/2022 06:46

Yes, you need to contact Women's Aid. They won't judge you,they will listen , you can get advice re benefits etc and hopefully will come to accept that you are being abused. Your child does not deserve this, and neither do you. Find the strength before you waste any more of your life on a person who does not deserve you.

loislovesstewie · 22/08/2022 06:47

Sorry, meant to say 'no child deserves this'.

Campervangirl · 22/08/2022 07:06

He's done you a massive favour by leaving, don't let him back in.
He'll be back I'd bet my house on it, he's not going to give up on a good thing, at this point he'll be expecting you to be begging him to come back, please don't.
If it's your home change the locks.
I agree with ops to contact WA, you need support.
You have the hive mind of MN to support you too❤️

Endlesslypatient82 · 22/08/2022 07:07

He’s given you the best gift he possibly could have by leaving you

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