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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He left me after 11 years

49 replies

BrokenRainbow22 · 22/08/2022 00:53

Good evening, posting late as I can't sleep.
My partner walked out Friday and didn't look back. I will give you a little background information even though I know exactly what people are going to respond.

we have been together 11 years and have 2 dc. Our relationship wasn't very healthy he was quite controlling, I haven't had a phone for 2 years, I haven't really been able to socialise with family or friends for years unless we have had a break in our relationship, Which we have had a few tbf. He had a phome, could see his family, friends etc.

I've been suffering severe depression for the last year and a half and needed a medication review with my gp on Thursday which I attended, he waited outside in the car but when I walked into the waiting room my friend was waiting to be seen with her new born baby. It was lovely to see her and we had a very brief conversation, then she went into her appointment and we said our goodbyes and I went into my appointment.
My partner saw her leaving and even though my friend spoke to him in the car he still decided to make a huge deal out of it once we got home.
He absolutely hit the roof, accusing me of bad mouthing him to her which is absolutely not true, he locked me in the house and started shouting at me, I jumped out of the living room window and walked 4 miles to a different friends house just for a break. I've never done that before but I really didn't want to get into a big argument which is where it would have ended up.
I went back home Friday when my friend finally got out of bed to call me a taxi off her phone, when I walked through the door he walked out of it without a second glance.

I'm absolutely gutted and so mad at myself for walking out of the house that day or he would still be here. Please I know what everybody reaction is going to be but remember this is my life and this is how I've lived for a very long time. Just me him and out children, now he's gone I feel completely lost and very very vulnerable.

OP posts:
Endlesslypatient82 · 22/08/2022 07:07

The fact he has left so easily would indicate to me…. He’s had his head turned (and pity the poor woman)

Grumpypants78 · 22/08/2022 07:10

Please call women's aid today, just to chat it through. He hasn't gone for good, he's punishing you. When he feels you've suffered enough and just about at the end of your tether he'll be back.

TooHotToTangoToo · 22/08/2022 07:19

I know it's awful and all you want is him back, I know you also know, he's toxic and abusive, and you know you need to separate. But you just haven't got to that stage yet, but you will. Part of the process is you jumping out of a window, it's all baby steps.

He's not left, he was shocked you left and is now wanting to punish you so you don't do it again, and he wants you to beg him to return

LondonWolf · 22/08/2022 07:23

Unfortunately he will likely be back. Controlling people don't give up that easily. This is just punishment. If he comes back and you're suitable apologetic and fawning, all will settle down again, if you're not I'd expect his abuse to escalate. You're in quite a precarious situation at the moment. Do you have any family near by who could be with you?

oviraptor21 · 22/08/2022 07:26

Do you own your home or rent it OP?
Is it jointly owned/rented or just you or him on the mortgage/tenancy agreement?
You may need to get some help with the practicalities of this if his name is on either. Citizens Advice or Shelter will be able to advise.
If it's not a joint mortgage/tenancy or in his sole name, then change the locks ..... please.

stockpilingallthecheese · 22/08/2022 07:31

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Really????Confused

OP, he's coming back (unfortunately) so take control now and you end it. The amount of similar threads on here is just devastating, it's unbelievable how many women live like this.

I know you can't see it now, but please try to see this as your opportunity to live a normal life where you're free from abuse, free to speak to friends, to have fun, to laugh - I bet you don't do a whole lot of that.

Flowers
Ansjovis · 22/08/2022 07:52

This guy has brainwashed you into thinking that you deserve this non-existence and so you and your children need someone who understands what has happened to you in order that you recover from this. Because you deserve much more than the minimal existence he allows you to have and you can regain a more healthy view on your life, you will just need support to do it.

The women's aid website has a live chat function. Can you, as a first step, tell them what you've told us? They will have seen this before so won't judge and will be able to help you.

Bollindger · 22/08/2022 07:56

The no phone and no talking to anyone smacks oh him not wanting you to know what he is doing. The taking his stuff means this was planned. I think he was cheating .
Set up a universal credit claim, and yes change the locks. Freedom has been given to you, don't let him lock your life up again.

LondonWolf · 22/08/2022 08:14

This reply has been deleted

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WTF is this nonsense?

NiceTwin · 22/08/2022 08:20

Sadly for you, he'll be back.
If you can, physically and mentally, don't let him back.

Do you really want to be existing like this in 10/20 years time? It is not fair on you or your children.

You may love the person but surely you can't love how he treats you? 😪

Rottenpumpkin · 22/08/2022 08:42

Endlesslypatient82 · 22/08/2022 07:07

The fact he has left so easily would indicate to me…. He’s had his head turned (and pity the poor woman)

You don't know that at all! So why put this in to her head? He's probably "punishing" her...

He'll no doubt be back OP, if you want him....don't act desperate though.

Endlesslypatient82 · 22/08/2022 09:43

Rottenpumpkin · 22/08/2022 08:42

You don't know that at all! So why put this in to her head? He's probably "punishing" her...

He'll no doubt be back OP, if you want him....don't act desperate though.

Because a controlling twat like this would never just walk away with no backward glance

Polimolly · 22/08/2022 11:27

Best thing that could happen to you is if he NEVER came back.

HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd · 22/08/2022 11:30

I wonder if OP will come back?

BrokenRainbow22 · 22/08/2022 13:13

I'm here, the house is private rented we are both On the tenancy.
I left the children with him when I left through the window, he isn't a risk to them so please don't judge me on that part, I wouldn't have been able to put myself and both of them through a window.

feeling very low today at the moment, hopefully I will pick up later on

OP posts:
HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd · 22/08/2022 13:17

So what’s your plan?

Hoppinggreen · 22/08/2022 13:22

Why do you love him? What is it about him you love? What things does he say and do that make you love him?

Spohn · 22/08/2022 13:27

That’s great that the abuser isn’t around your kids, are they having therapy yet? Scum like him need to be removed from society, just wandering through life, breeding a new generation to traumatise.

BrokenRainbow22 · 24/08/2022 11:59

I've now made contact with the friend I saw in the doctor's and my family, they are giving me support.
I keep asking myself why I do love him because I'm all fairness I can't remember the last time I actually felt genuinely happy, he was my first boyfriend and I have been with him since I was 15 so this life really is all I've ever known.

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 24/08/2022 12:05

That will be why you love him if he's all you've ever known.

While you are feeling low, can you take care of some practicalities? Do you need to get a benefit claim in? Can you afford the next rent and fuel bills etc? Do you need to open a sole bank account?
If you can get some things done you may feel a bit better.
Flowers for you. You can do this.

Rainbowqueeen · 24/08/2022 12:13

Good on you for making contact with your family. Please do try womens aid as well. Some professional help would really benefit you.

Yes there will be bad days and tough moments but it will get easier and you can be truly happy.

eggsandbaconeveryday · 24/08/2022 12:26

Change the locks today
Contact women's aid
Buy a phone
Start a Universal Credit claim
Start living instead of just existing.

This man has been abusing you. You and your children deserve better. I am so sorry that you have been treated this way

fresol · 24/08/2022 12:51

”love”

”but I love him”

meaningless words and often a justification for dubious relationships.

love can just mean anything to anyone.

how about self-love and self-respect?

that is the most important thing.

this could be your opportunity to further that.

the Chinese symbol for crisis has two elements. One represents difficulty. The other represents opportunity. The opportunity comes with it if we can find it. To add, it’s not always a pleasant experience. I think of it like finding “gold” in the dirt. I do not say this lightly as I have suffered so much in life, and continue to do so, and wish I didn’t. But there is a little gold there somewhere too (a lot if you are lucky).

I hope you find the opportunity in your crisis.

Best wishes on your path.

BrokenRainbow22 · 03/09/2022 16:15

I absolutely can't do this without him, it hurts so much that he doesn't care at all. Today I received our personalised car air freshener and our photo booth photos in the post. I'm so emotionally broken

OP posts:
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