Help what to do in a dead relationship with child and cost of living

[James54321]

Been together 12 years have a 4 year old daughter about to start school soon and we have a mortgage on a house together.

I feel our relationship has been dead for ages and for the last year I have really been thinking about leaving her but how can I as neither of us can afford to live by ourselves especially with cost of living. also I don't want our daughter to suffer as a result of splitting.

We havnt had sex for about 2 years no hand holding no cuddles no kissing nothing so i really wouldn't call it relationship anymore just feel like we are house mates with a child. We don't argue we just get on with life and try and pay our bills but there is nothing relationship wise but we do love our daughter and I'm not sure I could leave her.

I have never cheated but I do feel the need to try and meet someone new. I will definitely be very unpopular with her and my family if I leave her. I also fear as an average looking man in late 30s it will be nearly impossible for me to meet someone else especially with rise of dating apps.

So shall I stay in a dead relationship or leave and try and find happiness with someone else?

I am a female in the exactly the same situation and worried that being a single mother means it will be difficult to meet someone. No advice but watching this thread with interest.

The same. I thought about this a lot and realised I couldn't be a NRP. I couldn't afford two households, and would basically only see my kids for a day trip. Not what I wanted so currently practicing acceptance of the situation. It is possible, but it leaves you surving, not thriving.

Hobson's choice really.

Could of wrote this exact post myself - no advice unfortunately but I left at the weekend and with the cost of housing and looking at alternative nurseries that are absolutely awful as we live an hour apart and being refused a mortgage I'm left with no option but to go back with tail between legs and pretend all is well when it really is destroying me!

To all that have posted above I’d advise to really look into the future. Do you want to be feeling the same in 10, 20, 30 years?
You can’t put a price on happiness and you can’t take back time that you lose. My father passed away extremely unhappy having been in an abusive relationship for years and staying for his daughter (my much younger sister)
Children will always be far happier if their parents are happy. They will know you’re not and watching their parents dynamic, no affection, etc will effect their future relationships.
As for the financial side. There’s always a way. And nothing is permanent.
I talk from experience for myself, family and friends

Would you be advising your daughter as an adult to remain in such a relationship?. I would think you'd be wanting her to leave.

Its over really and it is far better for the two of you to be able to co-parent going forward than to be together in your own respective miseries. What happens if one of you meets someone else and wants to be in a relationship with that person?.

What is staying together going to teach her about relationships; it will teach her that a happy relationship and or marriage is not her birthright. Staying for the sake of the child; whose sake are you really staying for?. Your DDs or more likely yours because its somehow "easier?". She won't thank you for staying with her mother; she could well call you daft for staying. It could also harm your own relationship with her as an adult because she would not likely want to go back home to see you as her parents very often if at all. Having two parents successfully move forward with their lives teaches an invaluable lesson: that we deserve to be happy and to feel loved. Conversely, remaining in relationships that perpetuate anger, devaluation, and lack of positive interactions leaves an indelible scar on children.

Many people are simply afraid to move on with their lives and take their own responsibility for happiness. Financial concerns or the fear of being alone often motivate such paralysis, hidden beneath the mask of staying together for the children. At other times, it’s easier to blame your partner for your discontent than to come out of your sense of victimhood. Unloving or conflicted marriages or relationships often follow a lineage as they are passed down from generation to generation. And so the cycle continues. Is this what we really wish for our children? It is much more challenging to come to terms with our own circumstances and face our fears than it is to hide behind them as we stay together “for the kids.”

I think a lot of people stay these days, whether it’s fear of the unknown, being alone, children, money, simply can’t be bothered….

It’s very sad.

You are still young, have you spoken about this? Perhaps she feels exactly the same, it’s better to split amicably with no one else involved, than start an affair or cheat.

I think you both deserve to be happy and you are clearly not.

Staying together for the sake of your daughter, may seem the right thing to do, but it isn't in honesty.
She will grow up thinking that this is usual behaviour in a relationship,when of course it isn't.

Sit down and formulate a plan for co parenting. Then get down to business and start looking to sort out the housing situation. You will both feel much better for doing so.

Children are incredibly resilient and can bounce back from situations easily. I'm sure your daughter will be much happier seeing you both happier in life!

Good luck.

It's very hard. I was so unhappy with my ex and in the end I had to do what was best for me and my DD. I left and it's been 6.5 years but best thing I did. My DD does get upset occasionally with having to go back and forth but understands now she's nearly 9. I've been single since and honestly love it. Good luck x

What a waste of a life staying in this situation. Also, what is it teaching your DD about future relationships? for your DD, yourself & probably your partner, it’s so much better to accept it’s not working & take the necessary steps. Short-term pain for long-term gain.

I left an unhappy relationship - I have 1 DD who was 5 at the time & life is so much better & I work with her DD to enable her seeing him lots & I feel so much better.

fortune favours the brave, please don’t seek yourself short in life.

Yeah leaving would be best. But I understand that practically, sometimes it just isn't possible if you want to be able to live a decent quality of life. Could you afford to buy or rent somewhere, or is this a moving in with family / sofa hopping situation?

It's a scary time to leave because everything is so expensive and increasing.

Have you tried counselling. My DS totally saved his relationship with counselling. Worth a go no?

I have just ended a 15 year relationship with one DD tonight. The future is uncertain but one thing I am sure of is that I couldn’t go on pretending anymore. I want an actual life. And I want DD to be happy - not live in an oppressive atmosphere.

Good luck @James54321

Yes counselling could be a way forward? Depends what that key issues are though and whether they can be worked on, step by step.

Where did it all go wrong? Have you spoken to her about why your relationship is now dead and if she wants to work on it, try counselling etc. Do you want to try make it work or are you 100% done? You say you haven't had sex in 2 years, why did it stop? If there was no affair and you don't argue, what exactly happened? Do you still fancy her/find her attractive?

You also say that her and her family won't be impressed if you leave. If the relationship is dead and you haven't had sex for 2 years then why do you think she would want you to stick around?

If the relationship is definitely unsalvageable then move on. You are still a young man and deserve to be happy with somebody who adores you and you them. Even being single is better than being in a loveless relationship. Your dd will be perfectly fine, she will adapt.

Best of luck

Allllll of this.

I also think @AttilaTheMeerkat puts it in very clear perspective.

Well it might sound horrible but no I'm not attracted to her she has really let herself go I'm sure she feels the same about me she has not made an effort with me I've tried a few times for intimacy just a cuddle in bed but just get told no pretty much.

I only see her about 30mins a day we come home from work I cook the dinner (always) then she goes upstairs for the evening. We don't even watch TV together anymore and when I go to bed she quite often goes downstairs and sleeps on the sofa.

I think we are purely together just because we can't afford to live alone I think I might have to go stay with my parents in the short term and probably sell the house.
Thanks for the advice

Don't think i will bother with counselling I know I don't love her thanks anyway

I would try relationship counselling first. Call Relate and get some sessions, I think they are free. At the worst, it should help you both to communicate better when you separate and at best it may uncover issues that mean that your relationship improves.
Also perhaps she is menopausal and has lost her libido in which case various things can help, both in terms of hormone replacement therapy and /or empathic discussion about it with you which could create more intimacy? and perhaps you’ve gone off her because of the repeated knockbacks? (Can’t make you feel better about yourself?!)
Failing all of this I believe it is better to be single than lonely in a relationship.
Also I have friends who have found partners in their 40s and 50s who are far happier now than in previous marriages because they are old enough to know themselves and find a partner based on their current interests, not on relationships they started as young adults.
But I would strongly recommend couple counselling first. Good luck.

@James54321
I’m a man and I stayed in a dead relationship for too long as well. It’s totally soul destroying, you don’t mention marriage, if you are married, look into no fault divorce, if not, sell the house and get on with your life, it’s too short to waste with people you don’t love
Good luck

Hi James,

I was like this. Lived in a marriage that was deprived of affection, sex, intimacy and just general love/feelings. No kissing, nothing. We have two children (now 18 and 14) so I spent a long time battling my thoughts. I had learned to accept it but knew that I had ended up marrying someone without any real experience of the opposite sex. I was naive, I guess.
Like your situation, I wasn't attracted to him. He is over ten years older than me anyway, which didn't help, but we also lacked connection. We could go for a meal and he'd sit there not saying a word. I was dying inside but continued to live with it and accept that this was the way my life was and that I'd made the decision to marry him. Like you two, one of us would be upstairs and one downstairs. I'd avoid him.

My turning point came at menopause. Little did I know but I went through the sex surge of menopause, hormones going crazy. And, yes, I got involved with someone else. It changed my life and opened my eyes. I ended my marriage immediately and spent time chatting to
GP and a counsellor. It was obvious why I'd ended up like that. Ten years of no sex, no kissing, nothing. No way to live!!!

Luckily, I have a good job and can afford to go it alone. I'm very bitter about what I've missed out on over the years. Don't stay in a dead relationship.

Leave, leave, leave. Don’t waste your lives. Your child will be fine.

@James54321 you say you could go live with your parents. Could your partner do the same? Does she have a family network that would help? If so, no guilt, just do it now while you're still young.

It’s all very well and good saying split but if people can’t physically afford to pay for 2 modest homes then they’re trapped aren’t they? Sofa surfing or living with your parents isn’t really a long term option. I know it’s not very helpful but I’m sure there are thousands of people in the same situation - particularly in the south east where the cost of property is so ridiculous.

Don’t worry about being an average looking man in your late 30’s, I’m sure you’ll get lots of offers !