Help what to do in a dead relationship with child and cost of living

[James54321]

Been together 12 years have a 4 year old daughter about to start school soon and we have a mortgage on a house together.

I feel our relationship has been dead for ages and for the last year I have really been thinking about leaving her but how can I as neither of us can afford to live by ourselves especially with cost of living. also I don't want our daughter to suffer as a result of splitting.

We havnt had sex for about 2 years no hand holding no cuddles no kissing nothing so i really wouldn't call it relationship anymore just feel like we are house mates with a child. We don't argue we just get on with life and try and pay our bills but there is nothing relationship wise but we do love our daughter and I'm not sure I could leave her.

I have never cheated but I do feel the need to try and meet someone new. I will definitely be very unpopular with her and my family if I leave her. I also fear as an average looking man in late 30s it will be nearly impossible for me to meet someone else especially with rise of dating apps.

So shall I stay in a dead relationship or leave and try and find happiness with someone else?

Get out of the relationship asap OP. It will destroy you otherwise!

See I was all for being sympathetic until I read this. You've already made your mind up you wanna shag about so just go and so it surely?

Don't worry about meeting someone new yet. Get single first. You may have to all sell up and move to a cheaper area. Or move in with family temporarily. There's a solution to all of this. Write all of your options down with pros, cons and costs.

Do not start an affair. That makes everything worse than you could possibly imagine, and means there could well be a precipitate break up that would be just as unaffordable.

Instead, talk to your DP. Start working out how you will be able to afford to separate. It might take time and planning, but it's do-able. And better planned than in the awful shock of when an affair comes to light.

Do not go onto dating websites or out on dates until you are properly separated. Ideally not until you are no longer cohabiting.

Could you talk to her and at least get it all out in the open.

If you’re fairly certain she feels the same then maybe you could release the pressure of pretending to still be together and just live as housemates and co-parents until finances allow a physical split?

I wouldn’t force my kids to be passed between two shitty little ex-council houses when we could have one nice detached house in a safe area. I wouldn’t force them to quit their hobbies because we can’t afford it when we’re paying for two houses. And I don’t want to hand them over to my ex for 2-3 days a week and not see them. Yes it sucks that you’re not free to date, but you made the decision to have kids with that partner and the kids shouldn’t have to suffer because you made the wrong choice. Suck it up and put your kids first.

That's a bit harsh Dadya.
Relationships don't always work out and their child is only 4.
Better to split now and both be happy, than suffer this intolerable situation of no communication, sleeping on the sofa and no intimacy? That is a terrible way to exist I'm afraid.

Given time, these two people can rebuild their lives and move on, whilst still loving their little girl.

No real advice but I'm in pretty much exactly the same situation, my DD is also 4. It's really tough, soul destroying even. My partner and I argue horrendously in front of our daughter then go for long periods without speaking. He won't leave the house and says why should he uproot his life when everything is my fault 🙄
It's been 3 years of this and I've pretty much had enough and am trying to squirrel enough money for a rental to move out to. People say don't leave the family home but what if it's intolerable?
I do understand what you mean about counselling, although you didn't word it well. You know in your heart if there is something to save, or there isn't.

There are some totally unrealistic replies on here. I can't believe people think parents should live together miserably for at least the next 14 years for the sake of the kid so they don't have to live in 'a shitty ex council house'. If a persons mental health deteriorated to the point of not wanting to live anymore would that decision still be worth it?

@PoseyFlump This!

I grew up in a super shitty council house.

Then, I had money, good job, travels, nice homes. But a very poor relationship.

I left, to a tiny rental. Worked things back up over time.

Now live in a 5 bedroom non shitty ex council house in a good area. It's mint.

If I'd stayed with the material comforts I'd have been beyond unhappy. When I left I was very depressed already.

Try to speak to your wife about a way forward. Discuss if a split could be planned maybe and so not as stressful for all of you.

My little DC knew I was sad in the relationship cos I could not always hide it. That would have only become more and more of a problem.

Now, they understand why we split.

It sounds like it has to be a split given you don't love your wife any longer. Good luck.

Oh god the 5 bedroom mention is wanky sorry. I just mean it's a decent home for a family and is nice despite being ex council house, referencing the PP who feels all such property is shitty!

I'll get my coat...

I don’t know how you’ve read that as “you wanna shag about”

OP is being honest about his feelings. It’s perfectly okay to have fallen out of love with someone. It sounds like his partner feels the same way. I would much rather my partner was honest with me than dragged me through counselling knowing that they didn’t want to be with me.

Yes the OP would like to have a sexual relationship again, that’s hardly wrong. I know MN likes to paint men who want to have sex as deviants and sex pests but it’s perfectly natural to want to have sex in your 30s…

That isn’t what the OP said. That’s you, projecting.

Get out. It’s all over bar the shouting anyway. You could be perfectly happy.

@James54321 i ended a 14 year relationship a few days ago because I didn’t love him anymore, his reaction - ‘ok’ - 14 years and that’s it! We have one DD who is 12.

Your partner may feel the same. It’s an anxious time but already I 100% know I have made the correct decision. Just applied for a credit card incase if any emergencies and I’v already been on the phone to try and reduce my direct debits. I can’t wait for my freedom.

Offering a handhold… I couldn’t face another day in that relationship, I dreaded the conversation and have no idea why I did now!

@Dadaya

The parents' happiness is far more important for most people, especially children, than what house they live in or what activities they do. They would only think that the house and activities are more important than their parent's well-being because a parent planted that idea in their head

OP, the thing is, when you are not even half-living but barely surviving in a relationship like this, you don't have the energy and enthusiasm in life which would lead you to new opportunities. You just see all the closed doors while you are surviving, and your energy is invisibly sapped every second of your life in the background by your thoughts of your unhappiness.

Once you start taking steps towards a new life and have hope and reason to jump out of bed and look forward to your day, you'll start noticing open doors and things and events will start falling into place to help you lead you into the new existence.
You absolutely can build a new life, can find a better way to earn the money, you can meet that woman who would enjoy your company and want you, and ultimately the children want their parents to be happy far more than they want or need them to be together. As long as you keep a civil relationship with the mother of the child and she with you, and you make it as clear as possible to the child that you both love her and the split is nothing to do with her, it would all work out.
The most difficult thing would be to get your wife on board, if she would accept that it's the best course of action, then the biggest hurdle is over. If your wife sees your split up as a tragedy and a disaster and leans on her little daughter and complains to her, then it's a problem. Hopefully you could navigate it wisely and convince your wife that it would be better for you and her to go your own ways. So your first step should be having a conversation with your wife. Hopefully she will be relieved!

Yes this exactly the problem I'm in the south east and we only just manage to pay mortgage and bills

Do up both have decent paid jobs?

@James54321 to only just manage to pay the house and the bills sounds like a problem in itself which needs proactive solving and it’s a not great way to live regardless of what your relationship is like(or rather it’s likely to put a strain on any relationship)

Though as I said looking for solutions becomes next to impossible when you are exhausted and miserable… catch-22 but doing something at least you show yourself that you are not settling and it’s good for self-respect. The task just needs to be split into small steps and taken one at a time.

Well luckily she starts school soon we have been paying for nursery which was very expensive nearly £900 a month but now we don't have to worry about paying that so makes things a bit easier