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Relationships

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Original poster

How long after bereavement did you start dating again

31 replies

Bobbinsandribbons · 21/08/2022 17:29

Lost DH 10 months ago from cancer; I have 2 DCs aged 12, it's been rough but we're getting there. Have barely given a thought to dating/relationships, but before he passed, DH did encourage me to find someone.

I recently bumped into an old friend who is divorced and grabbed a coffee with him. Had a lovely chat and at the end he mentioned he'd love to see me again and go for dinner, but understood it was complicated and there was absolutely no pressure. He honestly couldn't have been nicer about it, but is it way too early to consider dating? I don't think I'm in the right headspace but in the 30 mins we chatted I felt lighter and happier than I have in a long time. Any advice?

OP posts:

Valdera · 21/08/2022 17:44

I think it’s up to you, not anybody’s place to say it’s too early, or give any kind of schedule that you should be following.

If you enjoyed your time with him and want to see him again, do that. And if you enjoy that time and want to see him again, then do it again. And so on. And if it starts to feel wrong and you want to step back, then do that. It’s up to you.

AlexandraJJ · 21/08/2022 17:56

I agree it’s entirely what you feel comfortable with. Nobody should be judging you if that’s what you’re worried about. The length of grief and isolation isn’t an indicator of how much you loved someone. There’s nothing wrong at all in having dinner and meeting up with people. The only thing I’d be concerned about is you being emotionally vulnerable and being hurt but nothing ventured nothing gained, it’s just dinner. Go at your own pace, any man worth anything will totally understand.

Widowchick · 21/08/2022 18:14

Firstly I am very sorry for your loss.

I was widowed quite young a fair few years ago now, my kids were really small at the time.

I don't think there are any "rules" for dating after loss. If you feel ready then go for it but don't feel pressurised.

I had a bit of a fling with a totally unsuitable guy about 2 years after my DH died. It was enormous fun but it was never going to go anywhere ! It did make me feel good though and like I was more than just a mum . (Lasted about a year. I never introduced him to my kids)

A year after that I met a widower and we had several years in a relationship that he sadly ended. This was quite devastating tbh as he was involved in my kids lives.

Now been single a good 4 years and haven't dated since.

I have a fair few widowed friends that are happy and are re married have had kids etc.

It is a bit of a minefield especially if kids involved, but if this guy makes you happy go for it, take it steady .Its very hard to get back out there with all that grief and loss entails.Wishing you lots of happiness for the future

Original poster

Bobbinsandribbons · 21/08/2022 18:29

Thanks for the support - I'm definitely worried about judgement, and also the lingering guilt of still loving my DH. Also constantly worried about the kids and wanting the best for them. It's a minefield

OP posts:

WatieKatie · 21/08/2022 18:30

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. Grief is so painful and lonely, particularly with the loss of a partner.

I lost my beloved partner to cancer at the start of this year, he really meant the world to me. I’ve lived much of this year in a blur, taking a day at a time. Thankfully I have a career that I thoroughly enjoy and that plus hobbies have kept me busy, which helps albeit briefly.

From my hobby group I have had a number of approaches from men. I tried to start dating about a month back but in all honesty I’m simply not ready and tbh I may never be.

I think only you will know when the time is right. We all manage the grief process so differently.

I wish you all the best.

WatieKatie · 21/08/2022 18:33

Btw I found Smallest Lights in the Universe, by Sara Seager a good read. It made me feel less alone in the grief process.

whiteroseredrose · 21/08/2022 18:52

My DstepM never did. My dad died when their DC were 13, 11, 8 and 4.

She didn't want anyone else to feel that they had the right to interfere with her parenting.

Dery · 21/08/2022 19:06

Would it help just to see it as friendship rather than dating? It seems a shame not to go if you really enjoyed your coffee with him. It’s not a reflection on your feelings for your DH.

Anotherguy · 21/08/2022 19:16

Male here if that makes a difference

my dad died when I was v young and my mum moved on

here’s how I’d view it

if you still lay in bed qt night missing your husband, still cry for him, you are absolutely not ready. Same if your kids do. Their emotions/opinions matter too.

if you can lay in bed at night and not think back to him, not cry on his birthday or significant dates etc, perhaps you are ready

personally having been the kid looking up in this situation, I can’t comprehend it, less than a year is ridiculously quick to me but may not be to someone else

Only you know though

bloodywhitecat · 21/08/2022 19:23

I think the answer is different for everyone, I am six months in to this horrible 'club'. Meeting someone else is no mark of how much you love and miss him but I do understand the need to tread cautiously, especially where there are children involved. I agree with not seeing it as a date and dating but to see it as a possible friendship.

hairymclaryforever · 21/08/2022 19:38

AdaColeman · 21/08/2022 20:03

Every one is different, you must do what feels right for you @Bobbinsandribbons.

You mention that your DH had cancer, so perhaps he was ill for some months beforehand. In that situation, I think the remaining partner sometimes starts letting go ahead of their loss, so their grief is already well underway by the time they are alone. This makes it impossible to measure grief in months, time really has no meaning for the grief-stricken. How you feel is the only valid measure.

Also, I think that if you have had a happy marriage/relationship, you are much more likely to want to repeat that wonderful experience.

You've enjoyed a simple uncomplicated meeting with your old friend, why not meet him again with that same attitude of friendship, enjoy coffee or a walk in the park together. If you become uncomfortable with his company, you can call a halt at any time.

My only caution would be to not involve the children yet, but you probably know that already.

sunglassesonthetable · 21/08/2022 20:09

@AdaColeman has put it so well.

There isn't a right or wrong time. Just as there was not the right time to lose your OH.

Sending you my best wishes.

Ginger1982 · 21/08/2022 21:29

My dad died when I was 13. My mum has never met anyone else. I would say that I wouldn't have wanted her to meet anyone for at least the first few years. Now, I wish she had someone.

mondaytosunday · 21/08/2022 21:35

I lost my husband suddenly. My kids were 4 and 6, but as I married late I was well into my 40s.
I have not dated at all since he died 13 years ago. But I was ready, should the opportunity arose, after about two years. I just haven't met anyone I'm interested in or who has been interested in me. I'm quite content with this and am not lonely or anything.
Only you can decide when you are ready.

itsgettingweird · 21/08/2022 21:37

Nothing in life has a timescale.

If you had a good time and want to go then go.

There no reason this needs to be anything more than 2 friends having a good time chatting over dinner if that's all you want.

Seems a same to shut yourself away because you're worried that it's expected you should offer more or afraid that feelings will develop.

Anotherguy · 21/08/2022 21:40

Has to be said, the replies on this thread have all been incredibly well written and all amount to the same, it’s down to you to decide

don’t rush, don’t worry, just do what feels right for you, you don’t have to justify yourself to anyone, just consider your kids and yourself

Stichintime · 21/08/2022 21:46

I have an older partner, so I often thing of life 'after', although of course there are no guarantees. I heard once a month for a year is a good way to measure a suitable time, but thst depends on circumstances of course. Enjoy his company and see how it goes?

Stichintime · 21/08/2022 21:46

Sorry, meant one month for each year.

PowerPack · 21/08/2022 21:56

I'm about 14 months on. I've been making a real effort to widen my social circle, keep busy and that has included spending some time with men, although so far as friends only. It is nice though, I understand that.

TBH, if any of those men had made a move though, I'd be wondering what exactly was behind it all. As a widow, people do seem to assume you're set for life financially and you need to be wary/aware of that unfortunately. I don't think anyone has your best interests at heart if they're keen for a "relationship" so soon.

I suspect one or two of my friends might be biding their time, but they know it's too early yet.

However, if you're ready and you're happy that all is well, go for it. Afterall we know life is short. What I will say is there's no way your children will be ready to accept that mum is ready to date again, they won't have even begun to get to a place where they can deal with that, so please protect them from it and take things very slowly as far as DC are concerned .

gogohmm · 21/08/2022 22:04

No rules! Have dinner, take it slowly, see what happens. Yes people judge, but they judge if you stay single too. Best of luck

adriftabroad · 21/08/2022 22:04

I am getting divorced after 20 years and have a 14 yr old DD. I cannot fathom wanting to date someone else for her sake or mine. I loathe my husband, maybe that is why?

Do what makes you feel better OP, but obviously, be careful with your DCs. It really is no time at all.

Aubree17 · 22/08/2022 20:49

Absolutely have dinner.

Meeting someone is incredibly difficult and you should take the opportunity that's arisen.

Enjoy it.

BoviTraci · 22/08/2022 20:58

He made you feel happy so repeat !

Colinthedaxi · 22/08/2022 21:23

It was three years for me but that was rather due to ex in laws and finances. That said when I did date I was in a good place and here we are six years on married and very happy.

Can’t get the link to work but page three of classics “dating again (gulp) after being widowed” gave me loads of hope in my early days, a lovely thread 😁

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