Is this stonewalling?

Blueskiesandeyes · 2022-08-21T10:23:35+00:00

Is it stonewalling if your partner refuses to speak to you about a certain topic because once you had a discussion on that topic and your response/questions upset/offended them?

OldFan · 21/08/2022 11:30

I don't know if it's stonewalling, but it's certainly annoying. And dismissive if you feel the need to talk about the thing.

caulescens · 21/08/2022 11:33

Sounds like it - I've always taken stonewalling to be a topic specific kind of silent treatment.

If you've had this conversation many, many times before and it has become pointless/negative then it could simply be a boundary?

Dery · 21/08/2022 11:40

I understand stonewalling to mean repeatedly delaying a conversation or action which needs to take place but often while giving the impression that it will be done (rather than flat out saying - this isn’t going to happen). But I don’t think the label matters. If the conversation needs to be had then it’s a problem if your partner refuses to have it.

Original poster

Blueskiesandeyes · 21/08/2022 11:45

It's the first time we had the conversation. I'm nuerodiverse so find figuring these thing out a little tricky. Plus we've not been together long but this is what happened basically

Him: I've been feeling quite down and lonely recently

Me: itll be ok. maybe because you've just taken two weeks leave from work,
so no routine? Plus you live quite far from family and friends?

Him: I don't want speculation as to why. I'm just telling you I am.

Me: OK what do you want to do about it?

Him: I've decided I'm gonna buy a boat.

Me: that's good.. but how would a boat help your loneliness? Won't you still be lonely in a boat?

Him: why are you asking me that! (then he starts getting all flustered and red,
lots of trying to think of a link between the boat and loneliness, and finally) I'm getting a boat because I want to I don't need to have a reason. Stop trying to trip me up and have something to say to be right all of the time.

Then we sat in silence for 10 mins,
the atmosphere wasnt good and I still didn't know the rational reason for the whole boat thing but it doesn't matter,
then I made excuses and left

The next two days,
no messages. We're usually in contact every day.

The third day I phoned, he told me I can't handle conversations like that where he is being vulnerable. From now on he'll speak to someone else about those things as that's easier and he's got lots of other people he can talk to. And that I will never change and I need to do the work around this.

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Original poster

Blueskiesandeyes · 21/08/2022 11:50

I said I it be good if we talk through it and resolve. It's the pattern of conversation really and not about the boat at all. We need to be able to work on communicating if we plan to be in each others lives longterm. But he said no he will just speak to others instead of me for those things. That I'm not always right and that I always think I am.

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junebirthdaygirl · 21/08/2022 11:52

It's probably best when he says he feels lonely just to empathise and not offer solutions. Just listen really. He is just sharing not looking for you to solve anything. It's difficult to do at times but maybe be conscious..no solutions unless he asks.

FlowerArranger · 21/08/2022 11:57

He has too many issues and hang-ups. Are you sure you want to put up with this nonsense

girlmom21 · 21/08/2022 11:59

I'd be annoyed if you were questioning or challenging or trying to dissect everything I said.
Sometimes people just want you to listen.

caulescens · 21/08/2022 12:02

I suspect he wasn't looking for suggestions of solutions - he just wanted to talk through his ideas/thoughts.

Him: I've been feeling quite down and lonely recently
You: Oh, I sorry to hear that (hug if appropriate). [sit with him and wait for him to say more and if he doesn't ask gentle probing questions to encourage him e.g. Do you feel there is anything triggering it? Have you had a chance to think of things that may help?
The boat could help - he could join a club/talk to people about it/have casual chats with people where it is stored/take other people out on it/choose to be alone on it (and it enjoy it rather than feeling lonely).

Surtsey · 21/08/2022 12:03

Blueskiesandeyes · 21/08/2022 11:50

I said I it be good if we talk through it and resolve. It's the pattern of conversation really and not about the boat at all. We need to be able to work on communicating if we plan to be in each others lives longterm. But he said no he will just speak to others instead of me for those things. That I'm not always right and that I always think I am.

Well he appears to have a complete lack of understanding about you being neurodiverse. He wants you to change, but you can't change being neurodiverse, can you? So either he starts to take account of the way your mind works and makes allowances for it, or he doesn't. And if he doesn't feel able to do that, then the relationship might not be the right one for either of you.

How long have you been together?

By the way, what you said in the conversation about the boat seems very reasonable to me.

Original poster

Blueskiesandeyes · 21/08/2022 12:10

Even if you're listening without understanding?

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Original poster

Blueskiesandeyes · 21/08/2022 12:11

Blueskiesandeyes · 21/08/2022 12:10

Even if you're listening without understanding?

@girlmom21

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Blueskiesandeyes · 21/08/2022 12:15

FlowerArranger · 21/08/2022 11:57

He has too many issues and hang-ups. Are you sure you want to put up with this nonsense

I'm not sure at all. What if more things are added to the prohibited topic list then what happens if we need to speak

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Original poster

Blueskiesandeyes · 21/08/2022 12:17

Thank you that helps@caulescens . I did say it will be ok and stroke his hair. Maybe I need to practice being stronger on empathy.

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rainbowstardrops · 21/08/2022 12:17

How long have you been together?

I don't see that you said anything wrong but it's a bit of an issue if he thinks you always want to be right about things.
I'd be seriously considering this relationship to be honest.

Original poster

Blueskiesandeyes · 21/08/2022 12:17

Surtsey · 21/08/2022 12:03

Well he appears to have a complete lack of understanding about you being neurodiverse. He wants you to change, but you can't change being neurodiverse, can you? So either he starts to take account of the way your mind works and makes allowances for it, or he doesn't. And if he doesn't feel able to do that, then the relationship might not be the right one for either of you.

How long have you been together?

By the way, what you said in the conversation about the boat seems very reasonable to me.

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Thank you just a month.

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ClearestBlue · 21/08/2022 12:19

I think he needed empathy rather than solutions and what you said about the boat was almost a challenge on his thinking.

He left that conversation feeling even more alone.

On the flip side, he may have to accept how you think and perhaps this isn’t the conversation the two of you will ever be able to have.

Imnotaslimjim · 21/08/2022 12:24

My wife is neurodiverse and in 5 years I've never spoken to her like that! I understand that she struggles with me saying 'I feel sad/down etc' so now I say 'can I have a hug I'm feeling upset' and she's learnt that all I need is to be held. She's told me many times that she doesn't know how to fix it when I share my feelings but I've never told her I'll go and talk to someone else about it because she can't manage it! We've learnt how to do things, together. Which is what you do in a relationship. How long have you been with him?

Original poster

Blueskiesandeyes · 21/08/2022 12:29

ClearestBlue · 21/08/2022 12:19

I think he needed empathy rather than solutions and what you said about the boat was almost a challenge on his thinking.

He left that conversation feeling even more alone.

On the flip side, he may have to accept how you think and perhaps this isn’t the conversation the two of you will ever be able to have.

He has accepted it and is happy to speak to other people.

I haven't we went into silence from him which lasted from the time I was at his house and then days after. I think instead of silence for two days we could have agreed together next time he needs more empathy less questions. There was no together, just him by himself deciding. Is that normal

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Original poster

Blueskiesandeyes · 21/08/2022 12:32

We've been together for a month now

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ClearestBlue · 21/08/2022 12:32

Blueskiesandeyes · 21/08/2022 12:29

He has accepted it and is happy to speak to other people.

I haven't we went into silence from him which lasted from the time I was at his house and then days after. I think instead of silence for two days we could have agreed together next time he needs more empathy less questions. There was no together, just him by himself deciding. Is that normal

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Sadly he was hurt and decided to punish you with silence.

Personally I wouldn’t put up with it again. It was a misunderstanding and you’ll have so many if your relationship continues.

Original poster

Blueskiesandeyes · 21/08/2022 12:41

Imnotaslimjim · 21/08/2022 12:24

My wife is neurodiverse and in 5 years I've never spoken to her like that! I understand that she struggles with me saying 'I feel sad/down etc' so now I say 'can I have a hug I'm feeling upset' and she's learnt that all I need is to be held. She's told me many times that she doesn't know how to fix it when I share my feelings but I've never told her I'll go and talk to someone else about it because she can't manage it! We've learnt how to do things, together. Which is what you do in a relationship. How long have you been with him?

That sounds so lovely and reassuring. Just a month

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PonyPatter44 · 21/08/2022 12:41

You've only been together for a month. Maybe you two just aren't really compatible in your communication styles, and this should be your hint.

billy1966 · 21/08/2022 13:56

A month?

Well now you know he uses silence to punish you.

He has too many issues.

Move on OP.

He is too much like hard work.

Dery · 21/08/2022 14:32

Agree with @billy1966 (not the first time!). This sounds like way too much hassle for a relationship that’s only lasted 1 month. You could have just listened when he told you how he felt but he sounds way too willing to dump on you. How can he possibly know what will and won’t be possible for you when you’re only 1 month in?