So disheartened by online dating

[Hari223]

I've had a really bad run of online dating recently. Ended a bad relationship at the end of last year and then threw myself back in. Four months later started dating a nice guy but it ended after three months because he wasn't feeling as strongly as he expected to feel by then.

After that I went on a string of further dates (6 or 7 different men) and not one has led anywhere. Sometimes it's been mutual lack of interest and sometimes it's been them rejecting me - twice I've fancied them and they've said they haven't felt the same, which really hurts. That combined with the other rejection from the guy I was dating for a few months just makes me feel incredibly unwanted and undesirable.

I don't know if I'm doing something wrong or if I'm just not that attractive anymore (I'm 37). I used to feel sexy and desirable but these experiences have made me question that. If I really was then why would I have this string of rejections (I still see mutual lack of interest as a rejection). Is this just a rough patch or does it really get so much harder as you get older (previously had more success with online dating)? Should I just give up?

I've never got involved with on line dating, like you, I ended a 20 year relationship last year. I'm really enjoying not being involved with a man.

What you described ie 6 or 7 dates going nowhere happened to me in real life 20+ years ago. Same reasons, I wasn't that into some of them, vice versa, some were players. So it's not new but what's similar is that when I was dating (albeit very young) in the early 90s the guys were young too and had a sweet shop mentality. Social media and apps has extended that now to any guys using dating apps.

I think late 30s is a tr

I think late 30s is a tricky stage for dating. Everyone is making assumptions about whether babies are a focus or not. Much easier once you are past that expectation and the time pressure is off. Whether or not it is the case for you, many men assume women in their late 30s are baby crazy/desperate.

But yes, OLD can be brutal and exhausting. Make sure you have plenty of other stuff going on in your life and some supportive friends.

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron yeah, I get the sweet shop mentality issue. What hurts a lot is that the guys of the 6 or 7 that I have liked, I felt we really seemed to click emotionally and intellectually but they didn't want to take it further and that makes me think it must be my looks, which is so depressing because I can't do anything about that. I've also always been a bit insecure about how I look (not conventionally attractive although I've been told I'm sexy - god knows i don't feel it at the moment!) and this just seems to confirm all of those worries.

@DropOfffArtiste I've got plenty of other stuff going on and plenty of friends but a lot of them are having kids now. I feel lonely and like I'm worth less than they are because of that, even though I'm on the fence about having kids (and have said as much to some of the men I've dated, so it can't be that they assume I'm desperate to have kids).

Sounds like you're showing your insecurities on your dates, try not to be so down on yourself. Someone will come along and like you for you. Try and concentrate on your good points, think about what they are.

@Hari223 - unfortunately late 30s and telling dates you are "on the fence" about having kids creates an ambiguous situation for your date which probably isn't helping matters. Perhaps try and work through your feelings on this issue. You might lose dates because of it but I think you will improve your chances of meeting the right guy.

I have never tried online dating but as many others on this site have said it is a numbers game and you need the hide of a rhino to deal with the rejections and arseholes who contact you ( the rejection bit is the same for blokes BTW).
It's made you feel insecure about your looks as well (although I much prefer sexy to conventionally attractive😀)

Maybe take a break, throw yourself into socialising with your friends - there must be a couple of single ones you can go to the local wine bar with. I know so many couples that met through friends or when one or other was having a quiet drink with a friend in a pub. It does happen.

It's not easy finding a relationship, especially through online, it's harder without knowing if you would fancy each other irl. I remember before online dating days it still wasn't easy when young and socialable.
Try not to get too invested too soon, even if you do fancy them, still keep your emotions protected, make sure that they are good enough for you and have proved to be kind and consistent with communication.
Nothing wrong in taking breaks from it, I haven't dated anyone since feb as I'm just enjoying my own company. People either do it as a numbers game or be really picky, I prefer to be picky than spend most of my free time dating.

@ManAboutTown I have worked through my feelings on the issue. My feelings are that I'm on the fence. Not everyone has black and white feelings on the issue and nor are they meant to. Often it comes down to being in the right relationship at the right time, hence why it can be difficult to take any stance other than an ambiguous one when you're single.

I don't know if I'm doing something wrong

Yes. You're allowing the opinions of a handful of men to dictate to you whether you're attractive or not.

Most of us are not attractive to most of us. If someone takes a look at you and says 'Nah', it doesn't mean you're not attractive. It means you're not attractive to them.

Ask yourself why you respect the opinions of these men so much. These 6 or 7 men who don't even really like you that much. Why do their opinions have an impact on your self image? Why are their opinions important enough to even be factored in?

it is a numbers game and you need the hide of a rhino to deal with the rejections and arseholes

No, you don't. You need healthy self esteem, and the recognition that other people's views don't dictate who you are. 'Hide of a rhino' makes it sound like a superpower, but everyone who is psychologically healthy has it. You need the hide of a psychologically healthy person!

@Hari223 - assuming you are dating men more or less your own age a lot of blokes in their late 30s will have views on whether they want children or not (some may already have kids and want no more). Those that don't want them will be put off by the "on the fence" comment as they won't want to jump into a relationship with a woman who may suddenly decide she wants kids 12 months down the line.

As you have clearly thought your own position through perhaps a subtle way of dealing with it is to say something like "I could have a perfectly happy future with or without children" as it sounds more positive. A man would take away more from that - if I didn't want kids that remark wouldn't put me off and if I did it wouldn't put me off either.

Remember early dating they don't know you that well nor you them

@ManAboutTown that is, in fact, exactly what I have said. But thx anyway for the mansplaining.

I was thinking about online dating yesterday whilst out for a friend’s boyfriend’s birthday. She met him online a few years back and they now have a baby. They are very well suited. Another friend also met their girlfriend online and they have two kids. Also well suited. Without OLD they would never have met. On the other hand they may have met people equally suitable.

Whilst it’s not helpful to go on about success stories necessarily, I think it’s just about luck, finding someone you are compatible with and with the same life goals. Multiple people out there would fit the bill.

Another friend gave up OLD as it’s so tough. But she now has little chance, really, of meeting someone. I’ve done OLD and know it can make you question the future of the human race but all you need is one lucky break.

Do you want to settle "down" though? As in cohabit, get married? Are you clear on your intentions? I do think it gets harder past 30. Also men who are wanting to have children would want to be someone who definitely wants a family not someone who is on the fence about it.

OP, I started a thread about this yesterday. I'm a bit older than you but this was my OP.

"Mid 40s. Split up with long term partner a year ago. Been online dating since January.

Just getting to the messaging stage is challenging. So many men my age come across as creepy (describe themselves as physical or tactile), or aggressive (angry profiles about how terrible women are) or look a lot older than they say they are (or have had very hard lives).

The few that I do message are ok at first but get sexual after a few messages, so I block. Some just peter out because we don't have much in common.

I've met a couple that just wouldn't work. The only one I've met that is lovely and sane and nice is going away for 12 months on a secondment to the USA. He's been nice to date but we knew it wouldn't go anywhere. He's also 5 years younger than me. I feel like he would have dated anyone who agreed to a casual relationship.

I'm too old to build a family with someone. I have my own house and a decent job, so I'm self sufficient. I'm looking for a friend and adult company more than anything I think. I keep myself in shape and think I'm ok for someone in their mid 40s.

I'm feeling really down. I'm on the shelf aren't i?"

To be fair, how was he to know that? I thought it was good advice.

@ShelfyMcShelfface I'm very sorry to hear that. I'm sure you will find someone, you hear all the time about people finding their people at all different ages. I don't think you should refer to yourself as on the shelf though. Men are never described as on the shelf, so why should you be?

@TriptotheBog the tone of his whole post is patronising and it annoys me how women are expected to nail their colours to the mast re family/children whereas it seems like men are given permission to just drift through life and make their minds up when it pleases them. That's obviously not his fault but it meant the (very obvious) advice did not land well.

@Hari223

Sorry to hear about your situation too. I don't really have any advice, other than the advice that was given to me - can you join some mixed activity groups and see if you can find someone via a mutual hobby. You can do this alongside OLD. Good luck 💐

A bit rude. He was only trying to explain how it may come across to a man.

I agree. Plus 'I could be happy with or without children' isn't exactly the same as 'I'm on the fence' or 'ambiguous'. It does indeed come across more positive and decisive.

I used OLD between the ages of 36-38/39 and although I did have two brief relationships, our goals weren't aligned and they both ended.

I did go on to have a child solo (via IVF and a sperm donor) as trying to have a child/ren was non negotiable and I wouldn't have pursued anyone who was either indifferent or ambiguous about it.

I don't think it's your age Op @Hari223 it's just luck who you meet and when and if they want the same things you.

@firstmummy2019 @hugefanofcheese Exactly - the whole kids thing can be a bit of a minefield particularly early stages.