So disheartened by online dating

[Hari223]

I've had a really bad run of online dating recently. Ended a bad relationship at the end of last year and then threw myself back in. Four months later started dating a nice guy but it ended after three months because he wasn't feeling as strongly as he expected to feel by then.

After that I went on a string of further dates (6 or 7 different men) and not one has led anywhere. Sometimes it's been mutual lack of interest and sometimes it's been them rejecting me - twice I've fancied them and they've said they haven't felt the same, which really hurts. That combined with the other rejection from the guy I was dating for a few months just makes me feel incredibly unwanted and undesirable.

I don't know if I'm doing something wrong or if I'm just not that attractive anymore (I'm 37). I used to feel sexy and desirable but these experiences have made me question that. If I really was then why would I have this string of rejections (I still see mutual lack of interest as a rejection). Is this just a rough patch or does it really get so much harder as you get older (previously had more success with online dating)? Should I just give up?

@Hari223

Maybe you're being rude and abrasive towards the guys you have been dating, like you were to @ManAboutTown.

That type of catty personality would turn a lot of men off.

Errrmmm.. I have a child and most definitely don't want anymore. Anyone "on the fence" would be a big no for me. The same as for wanting a family - on the fence wouldn't work.

I'm 35 and have done online dating. I can't tell you how many times men have openly expressed relief at me not wanting to have babies (those with kids already ).

On the other hand, I broke up with a 34yo guy who was "on the fence". I felt like I was making the decision for him and I didn't want to carry that burden.

So yeah, at my age the "baby making" conversations have been pretty central to the whole dating thing... It helps to make one's mind up.

OP, I did online dating for a while many years ago.

I didn't really hope to get a relationship put of it, I just saw it as a way to practice meetings, practice dating and work out exactly what I was and wasn't looking for.

Had Iet someone perfect for me, I'd have gone with it but I certainly didn't let their opinion of me affect how I felt about myself.

I likened it to just getting chatting to a bloke in the pub. You might chat to 20 or so men in the pub over a few evenings put and certainly wouldn't expect every one of those encounters to become a relationship, would you?

I actually found it to be quite a liberating experience. I discovered what men found attractive about me and that, despite what the media would have us believe, those things are as varied as the things that put them off me. And vice versa.

I did OLD for a bit of my mid-30s and got very little response. I've just turned 50, and it's completely different - part of that has been the arrival of Tinder and swiping left and right, which has changed how it happens, but I think more of it is being 50 - the question of whether I want children or not is no longer relevant, and I've had loads of matches. There are still an awful lot of dickheads, but there are some gems hidden between them.

Obviously telling you to wait 15 years is no good, but I do think it's a particularly tricky age for OLD. Some of it is just numbers, (if you meet someone IRL, some filtering is done in that you probably like the same kind of pub, or you have friends in common, or you work in a similar field or something,) but also expectations- if you fancy someone and it's not reciprocated, that shouldn't really hurt. It's disappointing, but it's just the way it goes. I've had a couple of dates who were good-looking, we got on well messaging, and in person - but there was just no chemistry IRL If we'd met IRL rather than through OLD, we'd have probably ended up as friends and not tried to date, but it's just how it goes sometimes. It's part of the dating journey, not a failure on your part.

Wow!!! Whenever an OLD man said/ expressed a 10th of this; that was it. No matter how I felt about them otherwise. Must even be off putting coming from a woman.

I was always open minded about having kids or not- projected an air of what will be will be, but not once did I spout things like that. I had lots of success OLD, but I adopted high standards and a ruthless mind- anything not adding up; I was off. It worked- for me!

Snowy to me that reads as pretty much the same as what Hari said- or at least I can imagine myself saying both statements. I used to be absolutely certain I wanted kids, but after horrible MF factor fertility stuff in my marriage, I have already half mourned/put to bed the idea of children, because I knew it wouldn't happen with my husband. Now we have separated, I'm 35 and in theory could have children- but part of me doesn't feel comfortable out and out saying yes I definitely want children after what I've been through and the pain of facing childlessness. It's a complicated issue for many women (and men) and I think it's not fair to expect people to be able to produce easy answers... I may be reading into it too much/over sensitive on this issue though 🤷‍♀️

@Cyberworrier thank you. It's complicated for me too due to abuse in my family. Everyone seems to assume it's as easy for others as it is for them, and that being on the fence is silly self-indulgence.

I met my husband through a dating agency (not online). I met 13 men in total in just over a year. One became a good friend, two I dated for about six weeks each (one I liked but he wasn't as interested, one it was all sexual chemistry and not enough substance) snd one I liked very much but he was so different on the second date he was like a different person and we ended up arguing in the street!
I never thought it was my looks when the guys I liked didn't return the feelings - I looked pretty darn good at the time (I was 38 too). It was just I wasn't what they were looking for. There were a couple guys keener on me than I them too - it seemed obvious to me but not to them.
Then I met my husband and a year later we were married.

You come across online as rude and standoffish. Sorry if that’s harsh but that’s how it seems to me and a few others. Are you like this in real life too? Maybe that’s your problem!

the tone of his whole post is patronising and it annoys me how women are expected to nail their colours to the mast re family/children whereas it seems like men are given permission to just drift through life and make their minds up when it pleases them. That's obviously not his fault but it meant the (very obvious) advice did not land well.

I thought his post was good advice and didn't find his tone patronizing at all. Your initial response and your follow up (quoted above) are quite rude though. Hope this is not a reflection of how you treat the men you meet in person. If it is, then this is probably the reason things aren't panning out for you.