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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help! I'm on the verge on contacting my ex

46 replies

Londonactive · 20/08/2022 23:03

The list of things he has done wrong:
(a) Physically assaulted me 4 times.
(b) Neglected his child, I receive zero money he makes no effort at all at contact, never asks how DS is since him and I fell out.
(c) Caught him speaking to other women behind my back, and potentially cheated sexually (this part is a long story).
(d) Made me feel like the most worthless, ugliest, trashiest, oldest loser to ever grace the earth, I entered the relationship feeling beautiful, free spirited, spontaneous, fun, and left an empty shell with extremely deep insecurities and severe, relentless body dysmorphia.
(e) Controlled my every move
(f) Got me arrested (in front of his DS) on false allegations. We've not spoken since, and I've yet to receive any sort of apology from him.

I think the fact that he doesn't care, is making me care.

He doesn't give a shit. So why am I bothered all of a sudden? It's been 5 months.

PLEASEEEEEE stop me from contacting him. It would be the worst decision ever and incredibly soul destroying to initiate contact with him after everything he has put me through.

OP posts:
ReeseWitherfork · 20/08/2022 23:05

Why do you want to contact him?
What could distract you?

TheBestBitch · 20/08/2022 23:05

Fuckssake, read your post, why tf would you ever speak to him again?

imasurvivor2 · 20/08/2022 23:05

Why on earth would you??? He sounds a nightmare... you are worth far more than that. Try and distract yourself with a crappy film or something so you don't do it!!

peachesleamons · 20/08/2022 23:06

Do NOT contact him under any circumstances

He is ABUSIVE on multiple fronts and getting in touch with him could have a terrible lasting effect on your DS.

You need to put your son and yourself first and NOT message.

Notsandwiches · 20/08/2022 23:06

To contact him knowing all that would be mental. Don't do it. You deserve better, you really do. Believe it.

FlyingSaucerss · 20/08/2022 23:07

You want to contact your ex who got you arrested? Are you ok like seriously? I wanted to contact my ex again and even I was told not to and he’s done nothing near as serious as this assaulted you? Got you arrested? Ignores your child?

Violettaa · 20/08/2022 23:07

Have a word with yourself, and if that doesn’t work, have some therapy.

Original poster
Londonactive · 20/08/2022 23:09

I have no idea why I want to contact him so badly 😭😭😭😭😭😭.
He is extremely attractive, charismatic, charming, affectionate and a DEVIL because he uses all of that to make me feel like a piece of shit.

I guess I'm struggling to accept that he can be all of those things but that doesn't make him a good person!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Londonactive · 20/08/2022 23:10

I need a virtual slap!!! It would be bad enough if he contacted me first to apologise, even then I know I should ignore him. But me contact him? I'm losing the plot I know it 😭😭😭😭😭

OP posts:
FAQs · 20/08/2022 23:10

Don’t be stupid, arrested! Plus the whole other list should be more than enough, put your child and yourself first.

PeacefulPottering · 20/08/2022 23:11

I'm so sorry you feel like contacting him. We do destructive actions when we are at our lowest and vulnerable. Can you contact anyone who will make you feel better. You are obviously low, reach out to anyone who is better for you. And if it makes any difference to you, I've heard you, I want you to not hurt yourself by contacting him. I'm just a person on the internet but I don't want you to hurt yourself by contacting him . I think you are brilliant for asking for help. Massive hugs x

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 20/08/2022 23:12

Block and delete op. It is the only way.
Surely you are worth more than a booty call which is likely all he will call round for.

FlyingSaucerss · 20/08/2022 23:12

So he got you arrested? What if he did that again? Who would have your child? That’s extreme what did he get you arrested for?

Ligglepiggle · 20/08/2022 23:12

Think of your DS and the example this is setting to him - as someone who has come out of the other side of a similar situation you deserve so much better.

Caroffee · 20/08/2022 23:12

He's a narcissistic abuser and you were addicted to him. You're craving your fix even though your logical brain knows that being around him only makes you feel good in the short term and is very damaging to you long-term. It's the same with any drug/addiction. Let your head rule.

Original poster
Londonactive · 20/08/2022 23:14

Caroffee · 20/08/2022 23:12

He's a narcissistic abuser and you were addicted to him. You're craving your fix even though your logical brain knows that being around him only makes you feel good in the short term and is very damaging to you long-term. It's the same with any drug/addiction. Let your head rule.

This is exactly it!!!! It's like an addiction.
Plus, he totally traumatized me with the idea of having sex with other people and I'm sexually frustrated and struggle to imagine being with anyone else

OP posts:
Prisonbreak · 20/08/2022 23:14

You need to work on your own self worth and come to realise that not everyone who hurts will care that they hurt you

Original poster
Londonactive · 20/08/2022 23:15

PeacefulPottering · 20/08/2022 23:11

I'm so sorry you feel like contacting him. We do destructive actions when we are at our lowest and vulnerable. Can you contact anyone who will make you feel better. You are obviously low, reach out to anyone who is better for you. And if it makes any difference to you, I've heard you, I want you to not hurt yourself by contacting him. I'm just a person on the internet but I don't want you to hurt yourself by contacting him . I think you are brilliant for asking for help. Massive hugs x

Thank you, you're lovely ♥️

OP posts:
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 20/08/2022 23:15

Stop. Stop now.

And remember, however bad and lonely you feel just right at this minute, you will never feel as bad as you did when you were with him.

Dont forget that he did his best to break you.

You broke. But then you broke free. Free enough to find yourself. Free to grow strong again.

It takes time. Of course it does.

But to be free is wonderful.

So stop. And remember that you are free.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 20/08/2022 23:15

OP, I can understand you wanting some kind of closure, or hoping he will finally apologise or say something that will make sense of it all. But he won’t do that. You’d just be giving him another chance to hurt or ignore you.

He can’t give you closure. You don’t need anything he can give you. Your way forward is without him, without a thought of him, into the happy normal life you’ll make for yourself and DS.

And please contact CMS to get the maintenance he owes you and DS.

Starseeking · 20/08/2022 23:17

Seriously OP, you really cannot be that desperate as to contact such a lowlife.

Read your initial post over and over again, and do what you would advise someone you cared about to do, in the same situation. Raise your standards and awaken your self-esteem.

Ryanstartedthefire2 · 20/08/2022 23:17

This sounds like a trauma bond.

Do not text him. Its hard but you need to break that bond.

Download a game on your phone instead. Anything to change your train of thought!

Original poster
Londonactive · 20/08/2022 23:20

So I was trying to contact him about something and he ignored me. I told him I really needed to speak to him and his response was basically, we will speak when he is ready.

He then kept calling me from withheld number and wasn't responding to text messages he would just phone.
When I pulled him up on this, he said he doesn't check his text messages.
The last time I saw him he showed up at my flat, called me 16 times at the door from witheld number, I cooked dinner, we ate together, he took my bank card and went to the shop to buy some snacks. Then I paid for his cab home.

Shortly after I was arrested for harrassment. This explained the private number calls and non response to text messages

OP posts:
Original poster
Londonactive · 20/08/2022 23:21

The police dropped it of course!!! They were actually lovely and apologized for the whole thing

OP posts:
Original poster
Londonactive · 20/08/2022 23:22

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 20/08/2022 23:15

Stop. Stop now.

And remember, however bad and lonely you feel just right at this minute, you will never feel as bad as you did when you were with him.

Dont forget that he did his best to break you.

You broke. But then you broke free. Free enough to find yourself. Free to grow strong again.

It takes time. Of course it does.

But to be free is wonderful.

So stop. And remember that you are free.

This is lovely!!!! Thank you

OP posts:
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