Help! I'm on the verge on contacting my ex

[Londonactive]

The list of things he has done wrong:
(a) Physically assaulted me 4 times.
(b) Neglected his child, I receive zero money he makes no effort at all at contact, never asks how DS is since him and I fell out.
(c) Caught him speaking to other women behind my back, and potentially cheated sexually (this part is a long story).
(d) Made me feel like the most worthless, ugliest, trashiest, oldest loser to ever grace the earth, I entered the relationship feeling beautiful, free spirited, spontaneous, fun, and left an empty shell with extremely deep insecurities and severe, relentless body dysmorphia.
(e) Controlled my every move
(f) Got me arrested (in front of his DS) on false allegations. We've not spoken since, and I've yet to receive any sort of apology from him.

I think the fact that he doesn't care, is making me care.

He doesn't give a shit. So why am I bothered all of a sudden? It's been 5 months.

PLEASEEEEEE stop me from contacting him. It would be the worst decision ever and incredibly soul destroying to initiate contact with him after everything he has put me through.

It is natural to worry that someone you have “lost” is the best you will ever get or all you deserve.

Right now, you need to strongly remind yourself that is not true. You deserve someone who treats you right. Your brain clearly knows this as you have explained it well. Your emotions are acting up because it’s a common human impulse.

Better things are out there - don’t waste your time on him!

Yes yes thank you!!! Will be screenshotting these posts

Physically assaulted me 4 times.

This is all you need to concentrate on.

He could kill you next time,

Don't be another statistic. Get in touch with WomensAid. Please.

Think of it as an addiction. It may well be that you are not going to get through this without counselling.

Do as you would do if you were addicted though. Destroy all phone numbers, block all avenues of contacting him, make sure you talk to friends when you are tempted to contact him. Make a list of all his bad points and how he made you feel and keep it pinned up on the wall and on your phone.

How do we break a trauma bond?? He makes me feel like a vulnerable little girl it's like nothing I've never experienced before.

I suffer with severe anxiety and he 'encouraged' me to turn to him in times of hardship. He used to literally craddle me in his arms and I would cry my eyes out until I calmed down.

I was bullied at school so I still carry a lot of those issues with me.

But then he would abandon me or I would catch him speaking to other women. It was all very confusing.

What advice would you give a friend or sister in your situation? Read you post as if it was from someone else and think about what you would say to them. He has ground you down and made you addicted to him, look at trauma bonds. Be kind to yourself, tell yourself its ok to think these things but you need to treat yourself as if you are injured and give yourself time and space to heal. You need professional help, what you are going through is what every abused woman goes through. Its hard to think for yourself if you have been controlled. You are used to handing over all decisions and just doing what you are told. You have been trained and now its time to retrain your brain. Womens Aid will help. You may even have a local womens aid group. Go to see your local Domestic Abuse Services.

The charming men are the worst, they are sly and devious. Try to focus on what you didn't like about him, write a list. Sing a song everytime you think of him (I use "you're so vain"), make him little and insignificant in your mind. Make him pathetic. Feel sorry for him, not being able to enjoy having someone who loved him and him needing the constant admiration or other women. Thats pathetic. He's a poor excuse for a man. Hitting a woman. A bully who is probably scared of everything. His self esteem must be so low to need his ego stroked constantly. Real grown up men, who are comfortable with themselves do not act like this.

You are strong and you don't need that piece of crap. You and your child have a good future in front of you, with good things and no-one treating you badly. Distract yourself everytime you think about contacting him, listen to podcasts, audio books, clean a drawer out, plan a day out, plan spending your imaginary lottery winnings. Everytime you think about contacting him tell yourself you are just feeling low and you need to do something nice for yourself, paint your toenails or book a haircut even just make a coffee and look at Pinterest for 10 minutes. Not instagram or Facebook as those things just make you think everyone is blissfully happy and make you feel worse.

It get easier, I promise. Everyday away from him you are getting stronger. Why would you hurt yourself, be nicer to yourself. Happiness is around the corner and he has no place in your future happiness. You can and will do it, think about your freedom and returning to that happy, confident person you used to be.

Thank you soooo much everyone!! 😭😭😭😭❤️❤️❤️❤️

LA, why on earth would you reach out to the monster who is treating your child like disposable garbage?

I'd second this as a trauma bond.
Under a different name, I started a thread very similar to yours a few years ago.
I can promise you that if you stay away, that pull and desire will fade, and then utterly disappear. I can also promise that if you go back for more, it will drag you down much further. I speak from experience.

The peace, freedom and happiness I have in my life now is a far cry from the 'passion', angst and head fuckery that I used to dwell in.
You have to go through it at some point...ripping that chord .... do it now, for you...I wrote a long list of all the awful things he'd done to me, and in moments of weakness I read it to stop myself contacting him. Do it... you'll look back and be amazed at how different, and how much better, life can be. Good luck op.

Stop for just one minute, pause and then read your own OP to yourself out loud.

Imagine it was a friend sharing this with you.

What would you advise her to do?

I'd tell her she's crazy! And ask where her self respect is!?

Hearing that someone else has been in a similar situation is very helpful. It's always great to hear when people come out of the other side.

I realised when I left, that every 'nice' thing he did was always for his own benefit. I don't think he once did something genuinely kind just for that reason, to be kind. There was always always a game behind it.

@PatchworkSilver how long has it been for you now??? Have you started dating again?

Hello op.... its about 8 years... I started dating again a few years later and I eventually met a lovely man who is now my fab DH and a lovely step dad. Ex H told me i'd never met anyone and if I did, he'd never love my boys like dad would. How wrong he was . Ex has continued to be less than a part time dad. He left me when I was 7 months pregnant with dc 2.. he was like a jack in the box with how many times we 'tried again'. He also used to go and do utter radio silence. It's so cruel. Listen to yourself when you think How can anyone treat someone (especially pregnant with their child) like this? Someone on my old thread said 'when someone shows you who you are, watch and listen'.. how right they were. My Ex hasn't changed, yours won't either. I used to like to think that I believed people can change... but not at my or my dcs expense. But the difference is, taking that power back and facing forward, not back, their warped capacity to hurt and ensnare you dwindles. Best book; Lundy Bancroft..Why does he do that? Get a highlighter as you read it and start to see how far from a healthy relatiknship it has been. And never beat yourself up for getting so lost in it... it happens to the best of us.. we have something they don't, that they wish they could be but they can't have it by putting us down and reducing us. This is your sliding doors moment..choose an evolving life of your own moulding is my advice. Much sisterly love and luck to you x

Thank you so much ♥️♥️♥️

Just had a major moment on weakness and came back to this thread.
Thank you my sister's, some amazing advice on here 😭♥️

I agree with what everyone here has said. I opened this thinking you would just be a bit lonely or he was a bit of a tosser. No, he is actually dangerous to you. In your post, you have written two very useful lists:

1. all of the tangible things he has done to make contacting him a very bad idea

2. all or some of the positive, justified and kind thoughts you had towards yourself before he turned up

I would keep referring back to these two lists any time you start to feel sucked back in. In fact, add to them where you can, especially the second one. It might be helpful to be able to confront yourself with the evidence that you need to be without him.

Yes thank you.
It's so hard. Because, it just takes one stupid moment making a stupid phone call and it ruins everything.

Thanks ladies xx

I will most definitely be referring back to this post often.

He is dangerous to me 100%!

Don't feel bad for a moment of almost stepping backwards.. you have come days and days forward.. well done... and you are putting things in place to support you.. keep going, sister! You can write your own story x

Please think of yourself and your child.
Let silence be your weapon. He will probably expect you to go running back to it. Don't.

What would you say to a good friend who told you this? Be kind to yourself. He does not deserve you. 🙂

Ooh I know how strong that urge can be it's like you can't stop yourself but then that instant feeling of regret once that message has been sent. I think you should write down what you would say to him or put it on a blank message, get it all out and then throw away the paper/delete the msg, your head will feel clearer and you will have that release of the urge to msg all whilst being able to feel good that you didn't msg him!!

Yes it is your ex that's the bad one but you don't want your son growing up and thinking why did my mum keep putting us in this situation and going back. Your main aim is to give your son the best childhood because he only gets one.

I have recently split from my husband and have 2 children and my aim is to make them look back and think they had good childhoods! Focus on that and get writing!! Let it out

Sisssterrs, silence is our weapon!! I swear men hear our silence waaaay more then they hear our words! You guys are amazing, the comments are always incredibly thought provoking.

Thank you ♥️♥️♥️