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Original poster

Is this suspicious?

34 replies

howtocleanjustaboutanything · 20/08/2022 21:13

I am thinking I may be way off here, and tbh I am a suspicious person generally. I worked in a male dominated environment for years and I saw the most unlikely men be unfaithful so often, I don't think anyone is immune to it given the 'right' circumstances. Have to say though, I don't accuse my DP or anything, I just am probably more suspicious than most.

Anyway.. DP (together 15 years, we have a DC and I have an older teen DC from previous who lives with us) walks his mum's dog for her every night. This has been for years because his mum is in quite bad health and goes to bed early and the dog needs out. He sometimes walks it during the day as well.

We live a few minutes from his mum so it's easy. It's on a route which me or DC may have reason to be walking down too - not likely, very occasionally - but we may have reason to walk there to go to a certain shop and my DC has a friend who lives there she would walk that way.

DP used to always make a point of how he hates all the connected-ness of technology and made a point of not bringing his phone whenever he was only going out for a short time.

Around 4 months ago he started bringing his phone when taking the dog out (it takes 15 mins and he never had brought it before) and started calling or texting me when he is out with the dog and keeps asking "what are you doing?" or "what are you / DC up to?" . It's literally most of the times he takes the dog out he will call and casually ask what we are up to.

Granted, often I will have just got in from work when he is out so he hasn't spoken to me all day, but it's just the change that is weird.

It feels a bit like he is calling to check up and make sure we are not going to be walking that route.

I don't know if I'm reading too much into this, but things haven't been great between us for about 8/9 months too. More arguments and a feeling of disconnect.

If you've got this far, I'd really like to know if you think I am just being paranoid or what?

I know I should ask to go with him, or go 'to the shop' or something. I did twice and nothing untoward, but that's over months and months.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 20/08/2022 21:16

I don't know if I'm reading too much into this, but things haven't been great between us for about 8/9 months too. More arguments and a feeling of disconnect.

Maybe this is him attempting to reconnect? Especially if you haven't spoken all day.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/08/2022 21:17

You're not paranoid if you're right. I'd be suspicious, too.

category12 · 20/08/2022 21:18

I'd go meet him on that route.

Bellyups · 20/08/2022 21:19

Yeah, I’d be suspicious of any sudden change too.

Original poster
howtocleanjustaboutanything · 20/08/2022 21:20

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation I don't think it's that, sadly. He isn't making much effort to reconnect in any way. He's burying his head in the sand I think, and I feel like he takes me for granted and thinks it's a done deal that I'll be around.

OP posts:
Geppili · 20/08/2022 21:22

Has he taken up secret smoking/drinking on these walks and using the calls to you to check where you are?

SuperlativeOxymoron · 20/08/2022 21:25

My first thought after reading you're feeling a disconnect is him reaching out and trying to repair. I'd start asking him to wait for you and go with him. It's only 15 minutes and quite nice to have some one on one time.

category12 · 20/08/2022 21:27

I think it's weird to text when you're only out on a 15 minute walk. He could reconnect by speaking to OP when he's at home, surely.

Original poster
howtocleanjustaboutanything · 20/08/2022 21:27

@category12 I have walked that route - only twice in the last few months though - and 'bumped into him' and nothing was untoward. But it was only twice I did it and he walks the dog every night.

I keep saying to myself I will start walking that route more, but then I will probably alert him to what I am doing as like I say it is not a route I'd generally ever have reason to go. There is a shop there but it is not one I'd ever normally use and often it's closed by the time he takes the dog out. My DC has a friend who lives v nearby that route, but again it's not the fastest way to walk to her friends.

So I am not sure what excuse I'd have for regularly walking there?

OP posts:
category12 · 20/08/2022 21:28

That you've gone to meet him cos you thought it would be nice?

category12 · 20/08/2022 21:31

Or you wanted to get your steps in?
Or you're doing couch to 5K?

Sparklypant · 20/08/2022 21:32

What do you think he’s going to be doing in the whole fifteen mins it takes him to collect the dog, walk it and then drop it back?

Original poster
howtocleanjustaboutanything · 20/08/2022 21:33

@SuperlativeOxymoron I'd like to think it's him trying to reconnect, but it isn't that. His mum takes our DC out on a Saturday morning and we used to like that time together but now he - often but not always - just sleeps in instead. He doesn't seem to care about getting one on one time anymore Sad Sad

@Geppili No it's not that either, but I see why you'd think that. I used to have an uncle who did that!! DP used to be a heavy drinker and I hated it but he gave up completely last year after a health scare. I always know if he's even had one drink, I can tell. He does smoke and is open about it so not that either.

OP posts:
Greengreengrassbluebluesky · 20/08/2022 21:34

What are you suspecting he is up to? On the walk with another woman?

homarr · 20/08/2022 21:37

Is he ever longer than 15 minutes when he goes for these walks?

I wouldn't think it was suspicious personally.

Original poster
howtocleanjustaboutanything · 20/08/2022 21:43

@category12 It's hard to explain, but the route isn't one that anyone would go running or walking or anything, you'd only walk through it to get to this shop or to the street of houses behind it. He would definitely know what I am doing if I regularly showed up on it. I could ask to go with him just for the walk, which I might have to do tbh.

@Sparklypant I don't think he is actually conducting a physical affair. It may sound strange to some but DP has never, ever, had a female friend. I am not outwardly jealous or anything like that (I fixed that in my previous relationship), so it's not because of me, I'm not controlling at all even to my own detriment. He just never has had female friends, he's what my grandad would call a "man's man". I know him well enough to know that if he had a female friend, there would be something in it. He would not make a female friend without him seeing potential for a relationship / at least sex. And he knows I know that. So I am thinking maybe he is having some kind of emotional liason with someone / possibly kissing or something starting, on these walks, another dog walker maybe.

OP posts:
forthesakeofsanity · 20/08/2022 21:45

howtocleanjustaboutanything · 20/08/2022 21:13

I am thinking I may be way off here, and tbh I am a suspicious person generally. I worked in a male dominated environment for years and I saw the most unlikely men be unfaithful so often, I don't think anyone is immune to it given the 'right' circumstances. Have to say though, I don't accuse my DP or anything, I just am probably more suspicious than most.

Anyway.. DP (together 15 years, we have a DC and I have an older teen DC from previous who lives with us) walks his mum's dog for her every night. This has been for years because his mum is in quite bad health and goes to bed early and the dog needs out. He sometimes walks it during the day as well.

We live a few minutes from his mum so it's easy. It's on a route which me or DC may have reason to be walking down too - not likely, very occasionally - but we may have reason to walk there to go to a certain shop and my DC has a friend who lives there she would walk that way.

DP used to always make a point of how he hates all the connected-ness of technology and made a point of not bringing his phone whenever he was only going out for a short time.

Around 4 months ago he started bringing his phone when taking the dog out (it takes 15 mins and he never had brought it before) and started calling or texting me when he is out with the dog and keeps asking "what are you doing?" or "what are you / DC up to?" . It's literally most of the times he takes the dog out he will call and casually ask what we are up to.

Granted, often I will have just got in from work when he is out so he hasn't spoken to me all day, but it's just the change that is weird.

It feels a bit like he is calling to check up and make sure we are not going to be walking that route.

I don't know if I'm reading too much into this, but things haven't been great between us for about 8/9 months too. More arguments and a feeling of disconnect.

If you've got this far, I'd really like to know if you think I am just being paranoid or what?

I know I should ask to go with him, or go 'to the shop' or something. I did twice and nothing untoward, but that's over months and months.

Does he usually text to ask what you are upto? Etc
My DH has always done this since we started dating seriously. Now married for 18 years and it’s a normal thing for us.

Sparklypant · 20/08/2022 21:46

So I am thinking maybe he is having some kind of emotional liason with someone / possibly kissing or something starting, on these walks, another dog walker maybe

well I guess the good news is it’s a few mins max. By the time he collects the dog and drops it back what he meets this random dog Walker for four mins and snogs her?

seriously this is what you believe?

Original poster
howtocleanjustaboutanything · 20/08/2022 21:48

@homarr I don't know if he is ever longer, because sometimes I am on shift at work when he walks the dog. I don't tend to call or text him much, he goes out with friends whenever he wants (not regularly but I wouldn't care if he did, although it was a bone of contention when DC was little but not now), he goes on trips away hiking himself and I don't mind at all.

Come to think of it, that's a good point. I don't think he calls or texts on his walk and asks what I am doing / what I am up to , when I am definitely at work and couldn't be anywhere nearby. Only when I am home, or will shortly be home. hmm. That's something to think about / watch.

OP posts:
Original poster
howtocleanjustaboutanything · 20/08/2022 21:50

@forthesakeofsanity Pre-around-4-months-ago , I'd say he sometimes asked. But nowhere near as often as he now does when out walking the dog.

OP posts:
tallulahhula33 · 20/08/2022 21:50

Why don't you tell him you're at home or work or whatever then go and surprise him on this walk? Or even just drive by? It's going to be on your mind unless you see for yourself what he's up to. Any random change can be suspicious and his reason for ringing at this particular time doesn't make much sense...

Original poster
howtocleanjustaboutanything · 20/08/2022 21:53

@tallulahhula33 Wouldn't that be so obvious I was checking up on him if I did that though? If it's completely innocent I don't want him thinking I don't trust him to damage things when they are already not great. I don't drive. I'm thinking I'm going to have to just suddenly start wanting to come with him on the walk and see how he reacts.

OP posts:
Thinkbiglittleone · 20/08/2022 21:53

So you have sprung him twice and there has been nothing untoward.

Instead of thinking of ways of creeping up on him, why not actually suggest you both walk the dog together ?
Both try and spend that time together to reconnect and save your marriage as it doesn't sound a happy one ATM.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 20/08/2022 21:58

It's enough time to knock back some vodka.

larkstar · 20/08/2022 22:10

It's impossible to say - maybe - maybe not - you need more information. It's an important issue - trust - so you are within your rights imho to check up on him in whatever way will put your mind at rest seeing as you don't want to ask him outright. The sooner you know - the quicker you can stop feeling anxious about this and all the better for your relationship. Do you like him ringing you or does it sometimes interrupt you doing something? Tell him not to keep ringing unnecessarily if you don't want or need it. Ask him if he's happy for you to ring him when you feel like it instead. I guess - if he had something to hide - he might not like that - he might not pickup or answer your calls and say - it was on silent, the reception is bad, I didn't hear it, etc. I don't know why people are more straightforward about this - if I had any concerns about my partner - I'd not hesitate - I'd just ask straight away.