Being married to someone with ADHD is so draining some days

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Today being one of them. Currently hiding upstairs as I really can't cope with it today. Just need to vent as I know sometimes he can't help it and I knew what he was like before we married.

He's going off on one of his cleaning sprees, which means things he deems not needed gets chucked away. We had a row yesterday because he keeps repeating a word to me, which was funny the first few times, but weeks later it's not, and I've told him it's really irritating me now and asked to stop, which made him say it all the more. He hasn't said it today.

He has whims, which he must act one, little hobbies. His current one has ran the longest, started just before covid struck and he's spend hundreds and hundreds on kit that he needs (camping/hiking), yet whenever he goes to do it, something will inconvenience it, and he comes back home. He took DS away with him this week to do it and he was back a few hours later as he hurt his back. This was after buying some kit for DS, food for overnight and pitch fees.

Anyone else struggle some days with a partner with ADHD? Any tactics to help me not want to under him?

The question is, what is HE doing about his condition to make life less chaotic for the family? Medication? Coping strategies?

He has medication and can control himself 95% of the time. It's the times he can't that I'm finding unbearable.

No tips but just wanted to say that I get it. My DH and DD both have ADHD and it can be so draining.

The hardest thing is she goes to bed and he starts talking non stop. It's not easy

I’m lost what does ADHD have to do with hurting your back and so cancelling a camping trip? You seem awfully dismissive of his desire to do a healthy outdoor activity..calling it a “whim” and “little hobby”- do you often belittle things he takes an interest in?

People with ADHD aren’t mentally deficient and should respect your need for quiet.

I hope it’s not drugs making this person talk to you when you need rest.

I would be very upset if talking kept me up. It’s not normal.

I have adhd and so do two of my children and I am sorry I can’t relate to that. Did he also get tested for ocd? I also have ocd and it’s not uncommon for these two to come together - his behaviour sounds more compulsive obsessive to me and it’s different medications.

It was an example of no doubt a long list of similar incidents

OP post is a tiny snapshot of the big picture

OP is obviously struggling and looking for help and advice not a kicking

it’s very hard sometimes, my DS has adhd, he wants to come and talk at all times of the night; he also has obsessions- motorbike is the current one, drives me crazy, there is always some kind of problem with it. people who don’t live with this don’t get how draining it is.

we understand but we are human beings too!

It's very normal for someone with ADHD.

@JustKittenAround - why would you jump to "drugs" causing someone to talk a lot on a thread about ADHD?

The Op has asked for tactics - I'm here for the tactics, sorry OP I don't have any advice atm.

Did he really hurt his back? Is that a red herring?

Yes it is very common for people with ADHD to talk non-stop. And unless you live with someone who does this it is impossible to know how draining it is

Quite a leap there @Discovereads No I don't belittle him at all. I love him dearly and most of the time I can cope with his behaviour. I read your post last night after DH and I had watched a film together once he relaxed, and found it quite upsetting, since I had asked for support not criticism.

He hadn't hurt his back, he's never had a bad back. It was just another excuse as to why he couldn't continue. I just go with the flow. He has had so many whims over the years. He sees something, or gets an idea into his head that he would like to try something so has to carry it out. They've ranged from learning calligraphy to buying an expensive telescope which he couldn't figure out how to use the first time so gave up.

Dont think he has OCD as it's not constantly wanting to fix/tidy/do things.

Thank you for the sympathy and understanding from those who wrote kind things. I have my own health issues to which he is very supportive, so I feel like I fail him when I can't cope and have to remove myself from the situation.

This lady is excellent. I've attended a webinar by her. You may get some good tips from her book or podcast: www.adhdmarriage.com/

Not partner but closest friend. They have a number of comorbid conditions and poor health. They are single.
I understand that they are lonely, and that they are often unwell (currently awaiting investigations for a potentially life limiting condition), but sometimes it is relentless.
There are days when I just want to sit in a dark, quiet room and never have to speak.

I think the thing with his camping hobby and the heavily researching the items he needs and collecting them all, etc is the ADHD brains way of creating stimulation/a crisis so it can get some dopamine.

I have ADHD and really do fixate quite a bit on researching something that I’m going to buy/a hobby I’m planning/a DIY job, etc and it will be all consuming for however long it takes my interest for. Often I’ve so adequately researched and balanced out all of the possible options that I’m then reduced to complete inertia about the decision and become very afraid of getting it wrong. If I need new pants, you can bet I’ve read reviews for every multipack of cotton knickers on the entire internet, I’ll have googled “alternatives to cotton underwear”, I’ll have been into the shop to check how they feel in real life, I’ll have checked the brand insta, looked at the hashtag, checked all of their tagged posts of customers wearing the item, etc. And then finally decided that the ones I’ve already got were totally fine anyway.

We had a row yesterday because he keeps repeating a word to me, which was funny the first few times, but weeks later it's not, and I've told him it's really irritating me now and asked to stop, which made him say it all the more.

As someone diagnosed with severe ADHD and who knows others with it, I don’t recognise this bit at all. Can’t see how ADHD would be relevant to this.

Just flagging that not everything is down to our executive dysfunction. Sometimes we’re also just being a bit of an arsehole - like everyone else can be.

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to criticise, you said he’d hurt his back, now you’re saying he didn’t hurt his back so he’d have an excuse for you. I can only go on what you write.

I have ADHD and it is in our nature to live life in a way that we explore many interests instead of focussing on and mastering a few interests. We can’t help it, we just can’t stick with anything. It’s just a different way of living really, and I’m glad you go with the flow. The positive side of it is we know a little about a wide variety of things which can be just as useful at times as a neurotypical person who knows a lot about a few things. Think about why he needs to even have an excuse for you to feel comfortable to stop an interest when he’s done with it?

Since you go with the flow, is this jumping from interest to interest honestly what is unbearable? Or is it something else about him?

I love this post. Research is my main interest. I love gathering supplies more than doing the activity. I work in a library so it's the perfect place to act this out whilst doing something productive.

Why does he repeat the word? Does he think it’s funny? Was it funny the first time? Is it a word with a particularly unique pronunciation/amount of syllables?

It could be a sensory or self regulating thing, like a form of stimming, but like the PP above its not something I relate to as an ADHD diagnosed person. Or it could just be a silly many saying a funny word over and over because he thinks he’s funny trolling you with it.

For some reason the word thing made me think of “Dodecahedron” which is quite a satisfying word and I’ll probably be saying it all day in my head now.

I agree, this isn’t ADHD related. This is simply irritating behaviour.

Could it be echolalia? I often repeat words or sentences (in my head). They act as a kind of stim for me.

This is me 100%. The time I've wasted on researching only to then lose interest through confusing myself to the point that I'm unable to make a decision anyway! I've learned that if I act quickly and on instinct, it usually turns out well but if I overthink a decision it becomes overwhelming and paralysis sets in. The dopamine angle is interesting and could explain a lot.

This is so ignorant it's almost funny!

Dh has adhd. The constant noise/talking is an issue but after 16 years I'm (almost!) immune to it.
It's hard sometimes, medication helps and he's fundamentally an amazing man and I do try to remember that ultimately it's his life that is the hardest.
I get a break from adhd, he never does.

My DH and DD would do the repetitive word thing. It's like an impulse thing they can't control.