Being married to someone with ADHD is so draining some days

[AdditionalCharacter]

Today being one of them. Currently hiding upstairs as I really can't cope with it today. Just need to vent as I know sometimes he can't help it and I knew what he was like before we married.

He's going off on one of his cleaning sprees, which means things he deems not needed gets chucked away. We had a row yesterday because he keeps repeating a word to me, which was funny the first few times, but weeks later it's not, and I've told him it's really irritating me now and asked to stop, which made him say it all the more. He hasn't said it today.

He has whims, which he must act one, little hobbies. His current one has ran the longest, started just before covid struck and he's spend hundreds and hundreds on kit that he needs (camping/hiking), yet whenever he goes to do it, something will inconvenience it, and he comes back home. He took DS away with him this week to do it and he was back a few hours later as he hurt his back. This was after buying some kit for DS, food for overnight and pitch fees.

Anyone else struggle some days with a partner with ADHD? Any tactics to help me not want to under him?

I have ADHD and it definitely effects people differently. I wish I got the cleaning bug I'm terrible starting anything like that.

Try reading Additude mag. They have articles on there for the non adhd person. Sit him down when he is calm and explain to him how you feel.

Then perhaps both of you research how you can tackle when he gets like this together on google and some helpful articles and YouTube videos.

Dont think he has OCD as it's not constantly wanting to fix/tidy/do things.

There wasn't really anything in your post that screamed OCD to me, but this is a bit of a misconception. OCD can look like tidying, but it can also look like immediately redriving routes to make sure you didn't kill anyone, or carrying a cup everywhere to spit in because there may be airborne pollutants in your saliva, or it can even be invisible to the outside observer.

@crosbystillsandmash - it may be ignorant, I did say I was here for the tactics! I assumed you were referring to recreational drugs, did you mean medication? I'm still confused (and ignorant). I understand the ADHD and talking, but not your questioning the drugs.

Hi, just wanted to say that myself and three of my seven children have ADHD, ASD and I also have OCD. I told my husband to tell me when I'm too much, but I can usually detect his eyes glazing over now, before it gets to that point. I didn't see that I was overwhelming anyone despite feeling overwhelmed with our 3 children. Maybe he doesn't realise. I would suggest talking to him, to let him know how it's making you feel.

@ZealAndArdour your description is spot on what my DH does. He watches so many videos, reads reviews, scours websites etc.

Re the word thing. It's just a one syllable word used in a certain situation, hopefully he has stopped now as hasn't said it since we had words.

@Opaljewel I wish it were a cleaning bug, he will start it and then rarely finishes the full job. He has the nickname Half-a-job <surname> which he was (lovingly) given by his parents when he was a toddler and it has definitely stuck with him.

Thank you all for the understanding and allowing me to sound off. Normally I just ignore, occasionally it does get too much. He is a decent bloke.

I have some ADHD and I honestly think it can be managed to some extent by the person making an effort to regulate their behaviour etc. I certainly will always try to be the best me I can be.

There are a couple of books the NHS recommended me www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/019023556X
www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1641522720

Someone could read a bit at a time.

I had some DBT and EMDR therapy to help regulate my emotions.

Life is all about learning and if any person isn't prepared to continually try and improve themselves, they're just a bit of a dick really.

Some people also find meds help.

I know you say he has ADHD @AdditionalCharacter , but he also sounds like a self-indulgent immature inconsiderate twat.

Sometimes I will cock up but then I try not to do it again. He doesn't seem to have consideration for other people or self-awareness.

It's more like the label means he thinks he can indulge himself in any way he wants.

I feel for you OP. My partner doesn't have ADHD, I do. And when I hang out for the day with my ADHD sister, I come home and appreciate what a wonderful and patient DH I have. I know I must drive him bonkers sometimes. It's hard all around.

Because it’s out of character and not something she is used to.

I not only have adhd but work in the space. ADHD doesn’t mean you can’t understand others wants and desires .. even if they are for you to shut up.

Also, those with ADHD unfortunately tend to self medicate…. A lot. This leads to behaviors like we’ve been discussing.

ADHD doesn’t take away from intelligence or understanding, it does however make a lot of procedural life very taxing. You are still full capable of understanding how your actions affect your partner. It’s not a get out of jail free card ever. Still, many do take drugs and such to cope. Its a common comorbidity.

Hope that helps

I have ADHD, I completely get the obsession with hobbies or purchases - it becomes all consuming and when you eventually come up for air it can be quite bewildering to see how far down a road you went with it. I have so many things/projects I want to do all the time I find that real life (work, cooking etc) becomes very intrusive and annoying.

I am chronically messy which my dh hates. Over the years he has become more and more passive aggressive about it. He is generally extremely patient and kind but now the price is the martyred air of tidying up around me and making me feel bad about it. And I do feel bad about it but also incapable of change - and I do try SO hard to be neater, more organised etc, it’s really exhausting and disheartening to try and fail ALL the time.

The point of this is to say that you sound lovely and honestly I don’t blame you for wanting a break. People with ADHD are exhausting and you obviously realise we’re exhausted too (as I post this at 4.16am because my stupid brain won’t shut up). My kids are ND and whilst I know life is so much harder for them than me, sometimes I want to just stop working so hard to accommodate and understand them and just yell at them to just bloody well get on with <whatever it is they can’t do/have forgotten/are having a meltdown about>. So no you’re not being unreasonable to want a break. And you probably now need one from this post too !

My husband has ADD. It's quite exhausting. It's interesting reading this thread though. I can't suggest plans to him otherwise he goes into a spin trying to research everything. He constantly constantly missplaces items and breaks things. He's wonderfully creative and kind but sometimes I dream of an organised man!

@JustKittenAround - Thanks for explaining, that makes total sense now.

Anyones DH coming back early from a camping trip would be irritating, OP, and this is obviously just the top of the iceberg for you.