That is what I'm dealing with. My mother is so convinced that there is one perspective that any attempt to communicate is perceived by her as an attack.
Why communicate!? Reality is not open for discussion! she actually doesn't seem to even recognise that she's giving me the silent treatment. Rationally she knows the silent treatment is bad. When a cousin of mine left her H years ago because of silent treatments my mum cheered her on.
but yet, she will not let me tell her that she hurt me. She puts her hands over her ears, walks away, leaves whatsapps unanswered, letters unread...
It hurts her a lot that I've attempted to tell her that she hurt me. That hurt has been used to try and shame me. ''what is wrong with you that you would hurt me?'' but no mention or reference or acknowledgement of what I originally said to her. She won't engage at all. But that's not a silent treatment in her eyes, as clearly she is the victim of me.
After 19 months of trying to be heard at the start of this year I gave up. She finally arranged a coffee June (big progress for her, but started with her condition that there be no anger. I said fine, my condition is that you understand the connection between two years of shutting me down and my anger.
She texted back ''let's postpone''.
I never planned to be no contact with my parents. They accuse me of demonising them. Or my mother does. My dad is an institutionalised foot soldier. He always backs her up.
But I haven't demonised them, the opposite is true, honestly thought that eventually they'd hear me out and that then they'd get it because they're intelligent. But no, in nearly three years they have stuck to their martyred position that my anger is only representative of my insanity. It's nothing to do with them.
Sometimes I miss the stupid shallow surface level conversations about the garden and the weather, but to go back and try and restore that superficiality would require me to agree to the one true perspective. That they are perfect and I am mad. I'd feel eroded. And for what, chit chat about the dog and the neighbours. It's all so pointless but I miss it a bit.
I go round in circles looking for the solution but there isn't one. It's either erode myself accepting their narrative that they're saintly victims of my paranoia, anger, sensitivity, entitlement etc.....basically respect their right to demean me
Or have no family forever.
Two actually sounds less stressful but not perfect.
I know NO contact is the way to go and what everybody suggests but I want to be strong enough to endure their bullshit.
I want to be strong enough that although they try and relocate all of their low self-esteem inadequacies in to me, I have the strength and the capability to reject their projections without it provoking me to react and without it draining me.
Had therapy a while ago, 4k. It did really help. Actually not going to have any more at the moment as there's just NO magic wand. But I feel different now. So much clearer.
Did anybody ever gain SO MUCH detachment and strength and totally conquer their triggered amygdala that they could endure being around parents who project all of their inadequacies on to you?
Am I mad to even partially miss talking about the potatoes and whether they're better with mayo or butter and the garden.
Just read this back and even if nobody has a similar mother, it has helped me just typing this.
Have one sibling and he's let me down so badly. If this were the other way around I would have sorted it out by now but he has sat with them talking about me and not convinced them to talk to me and listen to me. He is the golden child so if he'd insisted they listen, they would have.