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Original poster

Why am I feeling jealous of my partner!

32 replies

Roserm · 20/08/2022 10:26

Hi,

I have a nearly 2 year old and a 4 month old. I’m so exhausted and overwhelmed. But the main thing I’m worried about is feeling jealous of my partner. I feel so envious that he has family and friends nearby and I’m quite isolated, he still works and has a social life and I’m not working at the moment and have zero social life. He can go out when he wants, go to the gym when he wants, drink alcohol when he wants etc and I have completely lost sense of who I am. He’s booked a 2 week holiday in a couple months on his own to go abroad and I feel really upset that I’m going to be stuck at home stressed with the kids while he’s having lots of fun. I think I’m depressed. I’m currently breastfeeding and baby doesn’t take the bottle so I can’t really go away for very long at all, maybe an hour or two. My mind tells me my partners being a bit selfish and I need more support and understanding from him.. I hate feeling this way and I honestly don’t know what to do.. is there something wrong with me? Am I being toxic? Should I be happy for him? How can I fix this? I just want to cry

OP posts:
Newusernameaug · 20/08/2022 10:29

Wow what an arse he is!
I’m so sorry for him to leave you for 2 weeks and not want to spend it with you and his children says a huge amount.
surely you’d be better off as a single parent?

Shgytfgtf111 · 20/08/2022 10:38

Have you spoken to him about how you feel? It probably won't be a popular opinion on here but I don't agree with one partner jetting off on a 2 week holiday and leaving their partner and very young children at home. Unless of course, he has already offered for you to do the same while he takes time off work and looks after the children.

I think some men genuinely don't realise how much life changes after children.

Shgytfgtf111 · 20/08/2022 10:39

Also I don't think you are jealous of your partner but more resentful. It's understandable.

Hira3 · 20/08/2022 10:39

Tell him when he goes not to bother comming back as hes useless to you anyway.

Shgytfgtf111 · 20/08/2022 10:41

You mention possibly being depressed, have you spoken to your doctor?

category12 · 20/08/2022 10:41

He's going on holiday without you?!

No wonder you feel jealous - your life has been completely changed, you're isolated, you're limited

and he's acting like he's single and has no responsibilities.

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/08/2022 10:42

The holiday is unacceptable. He shouldn’t be going on a long jolly holiday in his own when he has a new baby which he knows is too fussy to allow you any time off. It’s time for you to point out how incredibly selfish and unfair his behaviour is and ask if he really thinks of the two of you as a team or whether you’d actually be better off on your own.

Also. How long are you planning to breastfeed for? Whilst I know many mothers think breastfeeding is super important, I think the real downside is that it means your partner doesn’t get saddled with responsibility in the same way, and you’re incredibly limited in terms of how much time you can feasibly spend away from your baby. I cannot imagine not having more than an hour to myself in one go. The cynic in me thinks the breastfeeding agenda may as well be driven by men: using guilt to tie women into something which leaves them with virtually no freedom or time to themselves for months on end. Brilliant method of control.

category12 · 20/08/2022 10:43

Do you have a support network elsewhere? Family/friends? I would consider moving back.

Original poster
Roserm · 20/08/2022 10:55

Shgytfgtf111 · 20/08/2022 10:41

You mention possibly being depressed, have you spoken to your doctor?

yes, I’m currently having therapy, I do feel better than I did the first couple months after having baby x

OP posts:
Lullabies2Paralyze · 20/08/2022 10:59

A bit shitty of your partner tbh, did he recently plan the holiday or was it planned before you were pregnant? If it was planned pre pregnancy why was he going alone and not a family holiday with you and 2 year old?

I totally feel you about breastfeeding baby not taking bottle. Mine is nearly 5 months and I am going to try cup training as I want my partner to be able to look after him more during day so o can go out and do stuff (like buy new clothes now I’ve lost most my pregnancy weight).

is there anyone you can get to talk to your partner? Mine didn’t seem to understand my frustration and resentment about him not helping out much and going off and doing his own thing, until my friend had a chat with him and somehow that put things into perspective for him. Sometimes they just don’t want to listen to us as they think we’re “nagging”

blockpavingismynightmare · 20/08/2022 11:05

You say your partner has family nearby OP. Are they involved in any way.. do they see you and the children? What do they say about his awful lifestyle?

Pollyjun · 20/08/2022 11:12

What’s the holiday about? 2 weeks is so long.

category12 · 20/08/2022 11:14

I hate feeling this way and I honestly don’t know what to do.. is there something wrong with me? Am I being toxic? Should I be happy for him? How can I fix this? I just want to cry

It's not you, it's him. Does he even do any parenting?

What sort of relationships have you seen in your life, that you're questioning whether you have a right to be upset that he's pissing off on holiday without your and the children, and that he does whatever he wants without ever considering you?

ChloeKellyIsAnIcon · 20/08/2022 11:15

A 2-week holiday on his own?? He is being completely unreasonable and a massive dickhead.

MyCatIsAFuckwit · 20/08/2022 11:30

Jealousy emerges in a relationship when there is imbalance.
You have this in your relationship OP. Heavily weighted in favour of your partners pleasure (as I did in mine)
We are separated. Though I have my children 5/7 nights the balance is more equal now and I am so much happier.

Titsywoo · 20/08/2022 11:38

That's horrendous. He doesn't sound like much of a partner. Does he do anything apart from think about himself. You'd most likely be a lot less depressed without him around.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 20/08/2022 11:41

You surely don't need therapy to figure out you are effectively a single parent?
Gym ? Pub? 2 week holiday? He isn't a single man!!
Christ op shove the dc at him and get yourself out.

Original poster
Roserm · 20/08/2022 11:44

So originally he booked it when I was pregnant to attend his sisters 40th. I told him I felt weird about it all and sad I couldn’t go with him but he still chose to book it. In the end he had to postpone it because I was having a high risk pregnancy. So the new date is coming up in October. He was unable to cancel it and get his money back and said he wants to go so he can see his grandparents. We are actually going as a family to see them next year April but he said he hopes they don’t die before then hence why he really wants to go in a couple months too. So yeah that just made me feel really bad and if he doesn’t go and something happens to them I’ll never forgive myself. A couple days ago he then said he wants to change the date again to a few weeks after so he can go with his friends and cousins because it will be more fun. And he booked two weeks because the flights 11 hours one way..

OP posts:
Thornethorn · 20/08/2022 11:46

It's worrying that you think the problem is with you when no decent partner would book himself a solo holiday of any length when he has children and a BF partner unless it's the one in a million relationship where for some reason they both get something out of it.

He has kids. He can't leave them unless he has put childcare in place. You're not the default childcare. If you're the stay at home parent, you cover working hours only. Anything else is by agreement between you both. This hasn't been agreed.

If you can't/don't want to go off and have a fortnight long break by yourself, he doesn't go either, however much much nonsense he might spout about being willing to reciprocate (as if you could). You both suck it up and have each other's backs because ya'll have tiny humans now.

gogogadgetgo · 20/08/2022 11:50

What kind of a prick goes off on a two week holiday leaving his depressed partner in therapy looking after his small child and baby

You're not jealous. You're a single parent.

Tilda77 · 20/08/2022 11:59

My first thought when I read your original post OP was that's not a partner...that's a lodger.
Sounds like some serious and honest discussions are needed. Unfortunately I don't know whether he'll be able to change as he seems so far removed from the reality of being a parent!

Dery · 20/08/2022 12:44

Exactly what @Tilda77 said. This is not how a committed father behaves. He’s acting like he’s single. No wonder you’re depressed. He’s a selfish man child.

neshtastic · 20/08/2022 12:47

Shgytfgtf111 · 20/08/2022 10:41

You mention possibly being depressed, have you spoken to your doctor?

She's not depressed, she quite rightly feels pissed off

FlyingMasticatedParticles · 20/08/2022 12:51

When he's away on holiday pack his bags for him. He's a prick.

Veryverycalmnow · 20/08/2022 12:51

Wow, how selfish of him. Partners are supposed to look after each other. He must be aware that you're having therapy, so why does he think not supporting you and swanning off at a time like this is acceptable?
You're not being unreasonable. He definitely is!

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