Why am I feeling jealous of my partner!

[Roserm]

Hi,

I have a nearly 2 year old and a 4 month old. I’m so exhausted and overwhelmed. But the main thing I’m worried about is feeling jealous of my partner. I feel so envious that he has family and friends nearby and I’m quite isolated, he still works and has a social life and I’m not working at the moment and have zero social life. He can go out when he wants, go to the gym when he wants, drink alcohol when he wants etc and I have completely lost sense of who I am. He’s booked a 2 week holiday in a couple months on his own to go abroad and I feel really upset that I’m going to be stuck at home stressed with the kids while he’s having lots of fun. I think I’m depressed. I’m currently breastfeeding and baby doesn’t take the bottle so I can’t really go away for very long at all, maybe an hour or two. My mind tells me my partners being a bit selfish and I need more support and understanding from him.. I hate feeling this way and I honestly don’t know what to do.. is there something wrong with me? Am I being toxic? Should I be happy for him? How can I fix this? I just want to cry

So his sister and grandpa live 11 hours away the rest of his family live locally. Have I got this right. You're all going in April. You have no family locally. So why not visit your own family while he's away. Let family spoil you @Roserm

Why can’t you all go in October?

How often does he go to the gym/ out with friends?

Are you new to the area?

Do you go to mum and baby groups at all? What was your set up before you had kids? Did you work?

Sorry to drill you with questions!

He couldn’t get us on the same flights as him in October..

I am new to the area, I have been to a few mum and baby groups. Trying to build my own support network and make mummy friends but for some reason haven’t really connected with anyone yet..

I was gigging in a band before I had the kids, doing weddings, birthdays etc loved it!

He goes gym a few times a week and sees his friends a couple times a week.

His family are here except his sister and grandparents. He is very close with his mum and family. He sees and speaks to them a lot. He goes to his mums to catch up on sleep sometimes away from the kids.

I on the other hand unfortunately don’t have that same family connection with mine..

He’s admitted to me that this parent life is harder than he thought, he wasn’t prepared for it. He always talks about how he misses the life he had before, no responsibility and freedom.. and I do understand it’s hard but he pursued me, he said he wanted this and he was ready. I don’t feel he wants this lifestyle at all but when I’ve asked him why he doesn’t just leave, he says he loves us and doesn't want to be without us. He does help me around the house sometimes but absolutely hates it and sulks.

I do feel like there’s an imbalance for sure. I don’t even know who I am anymore but I watch him in my opinion still being able to be himself and do a lot of things he used to do and prioritise himself over all of us and I do just want to feel like we’re in this together more.. I’m really struggling, I have no time to do anything for me. I’m exhausted.

At the same time I don’t want to be unreasonable when I can see he’s not happy. I don’t want to indirectly tell him what he can or can’t do or be upset when he chooses himself. But I just wish he would think of us more and put us up there with some of his top priorities. He makes his own choices in the end and some of them really upset me..

I can’t help but think this life is just not for him.. but yet when I’ve mentioned this to him he won’t accept that, he says he doesn’t want to lose us, he just needs some time and will try to be better.

I feel like I am resenting him though.. I get upset that he still has a life.. I do feel lonely.. I think maybe when I get back to work or find some good connections with some mums, I may feel better.. and when I’m no longer breastfeeding and have time to socialise a bit on my own or get back into the gym without that pressure or worry.. I may not envy him so much..

I hate how I’m feeling right now..

Oh, OP
That is a sad read. He couldn’t get you on the same flight? Could he move his to a slightly different time? Or he take the toddler and you take a different flight with the baby?

And he goes to the gym a few times in the week, sees friends a few times, and SLEEPS OVER AT HIS MUMS sometimes? So cumulatively he is out on more days in the week than he is home? And he sulks when he ‘ helps out’ with the family he claims to care for?

Oh dear.
Please take some steps- tiny ones if needed to get a bit of yourself back. Just something, at least once a week, without kids, which is just for you. Join a choir, start doing a few open mic nights, sing to OAPs - anything so you can remember you.
Are you able to take a few bookings for paid gigs?

Then you may want to reassess your situation.

I'd be miserable if I were you, and very resentful...Go back to work, use split parental leave if baby is small and say you want him to take time off and look after the baby for half the time.

Transition to the bottle, or at least combi feed breast and bottle, so you can split the feeding equally too.

He should only get a 2 week childfree holiday if he's offering for you to do the same. It's 2022 we should all be demanding equal partners in the home!

You need to get it in to your head op that your husband is a complete and utter arsehole who will never stop being selfish. It's up to you what you do with that.

So sad to read your post. I can see why you’re depressed.,can you move back to where your family and friends live?