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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this abuse reaction normal?

44 replies

Jennisted · 20/08/2022 06:57

My sexual history is literally all abuse unfortunately.
Started with my older sister in my childhood, went onto 2 rapes by 12 years old and then a sexual assault with a large group of boys and a girl.
I then entered an 18 year relationship with someone who coerced me for sex.
Safe to say my self esteem is low, I have insecurities and I have an angry over reaction to objectification in general, on TV and anywhere else. I'm pretty paranoid my current partner is imagining all sorts and I hate it, think it's because I never, ever feel enough.

We've had conversations about where this has stemmed from but when I mention the past sexual abuse he doesn't want details in case it turns him on.
He says he can't possibly imagine me in pain so in these events, in his head, he'll have me 'enjoying' it and he's worried he'll get turned on, so I can't speak about anything that happened in much detail (especially the older sister one as he has a bit of a girl on girl fantasy)
I honestly don't know what to make of it.
Does one not tend to cover details with partners anyway so no big deal? Or is this disturbing, which was my initial reaction to it.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 21/08/2022 17:17

Not normal.
Shocking actually.

Please speak to Womens aid for support.

I'm so sorry.

Opentooffers · 21/08/2022 17:18

I'm not convinced it's helpful to reveal all about past abuse to a current partner. I'd say if you want a 'normal' relationship flow, then the knowledge of it is likely to result in being treated differently, so that won't happen.
However, if you have residual altered ways yourself about dealing with situations, it might be useful to reveal snippets of things as an explanation of why you need extra consideration in situations at the time, as they arise.
So I think maybe aim to wait till, when or if, a partner is confused about a reaction to something when triggered and explain then, but only down the line, when you know you can trust them to be sympathetic and loving about it.
While it's better not to leave a partner confused about your reactions, so an explanation then is helpful, at the start of a relationship, for a time at least, be in the moment where the past has gone if you can. If the past spills out into your general daily life generally, so that you feel a need to explain from the start, then maybe you are not ready to date and more counselling would be better.

Agadoodoododont · 21/08/2022 20:38

His behaviour is beyond warped. No normal man , ever, would be turned on by abuse. No normal partner would feel anything but horror and protectiveness that his partner had been abused.

He is not a good person to have as a partner, not a good person to have as your baby’s father. Please speak to Women’s Aid, they will help you get to a place of safety with your baby.

Watchkeys · 22/08/2022 10:52

I'm not convinced it's helpful to reveal all about past abuse to a current partner

Depends entirely on the individuals involved. Some couples tell each other everything right from the off, and are very happy. Some couples are reticent with information and are equally happy. It all needs to be based on recognising how comfortable you are, and gauging your response to their responses. If you tell them someone swore at you in town, and they respond by telling you you deserved it, don't tell them anything else, because that response will have made you feel worse.

The problem with poor relationships when you've been abused isn't that they don't make you feel bad, it's that you ignore the bad feeling. That's why people post here. They know something feels wrong, but they don't know that walking away from people who make you have that 'wrong' feeling is the solution. We have to recognise what feels good and what feels bad, what feels safe and what feels unsafe, and base our revelations about past abuse on those things, rather than aim to wait till, when or if, a partner is confused about a reaction to something when triggered, which puts the 'when to tell' decision partly in the hands of the other person. 'I'll tell them if/when it bothers them' is less in control than 'I'll tell them when I feel I want to tell them'

Watchkeys · 22/08/2022 10:53

Jennisted · 21/08/2022 17:01

Could I get an opinion on safety of children around him alone in mind if what he said about the childhood abuse?

He's told you that underage sex turns him on. You already know the answer to the question you've asked. You don't need others' opinions.

MsChatterbox · 22/08/2022 13:03

Jennisted · 21/08/2022 17:01

Could I get an opinion on safety of children around him alone in mind if what he said about the childhood abuse?

My opinion would be don't trust him. Sorry OP I know this is hard 😞

octoberfarm · 22/08/2022 13:17

His response was absolutely horrifying, but I think you already know that. I'm so sorry, OP. I would also have concerns re: child access if he's openly stated that sexual abuse of a child would turn him on. He obviously needs to seek help but you (and your baby) need to get away from him. Please call Women's Aid.

StopStartStop · 22/08/2022 13:21

Leave him and get all the therapy.
Not your fault, any of it.

When it comes to access, I should think it would need to be supervised.

Original poster
Jennisted · 22/08/2022 15:41

How can it not be my fault though? Through all these events and now, the common factor is me.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 22/08/2022 16:15

Try to distinguish between fault and responsibility. Abuse is the fault of the abuser. You are responsible for looking after yourself, and one of the things you need to protect yourself from is abuse. So it's your responsibility to stay away from abusers, but the abuse is a fault in their behaviour.

You are responsible for you, just like a parent is responsible for a child. That's what we do when we become adults; the reason we don't need to rely on our parents any more isn't because we don't need parents, it's because we are able to parent ourselves. One of the things a parent does to ensure that their child is happy and feels safe is to make sure they don't spend time with people who make them feel unsettled. So, if anybody makes you feel unsettled, just pull away from them. You have good boundaries, that's why he makes you feel weird. The weird feeling is what a crossed boundary feels like. Keep the feeling in mind, and use it as a tool. A signpost. It's the skull and crossbones flag of relationships. It is your body's 'run away!' call. It's your instinctive red light and 'Stop' sign in the road.

The only error you have made is to not be responsible for heeding this feeling. That doesn't make any of the abuse your fault. You didn't do it. You were never taught to avoid it. You didn't know better. But now you do. It's your responsibility to yourself to take care of you as if you were a little kid. Take care of your feelings as if they were a little kid's feelings. All of us are children in the middle, with an adult exterior looking after and protecting that child. The healthiest of us take good care of that child. That's what you see in successful, confident people; a nurtured child with an adult exterior.

You have never learned to take care of that child, because she was never given an experience of being taken care of. How can that be your fault? It's like blaming yourself for not being able to do rocket science; our interactions as humans are based on what we learn as children, we don't instinctively know how to deal with being treated badly.

You can learn now. You can stop making the error now. If you don't like what someone does or says, tell them. If they keep doing it, leave them. That's it. That's boundaries. Fuck self blame, and start doing what feels good for you from today.

MsChatterbox · 22/08/2022 18:18

Watchkeys · 22/08/2022 16:15

Try to distinguish between fault and responsibility. Abuse is the fault of the abuser. You are responsible for looking after yourself, and one of the things you need to protect yourself from is abuse. So it's your responsibility to stay away from abusers, but the abuse is a fault in their behaviour.

You are responsible for you, just like a parent is responsible for a child. That's what we do when we become adults; the reason we don't need to rely on our parents any more isn't because we don't need parents, it's because we are able to parent ourselves. One of the things a parent does to ensure that their child is happy and feels safe is to make sure they don't spend time with people who make them feel unsettled. So, if anybody makes you feel unsettled, just pull away from them. You have good boundaries, that's why he makes you feel weird. The weird feeling is what a crossed boundary feels like. Keep the feeling in mind, and use it as a tool. A signpost. It's the skull and crossbones flag of relationships. It is your body's 'run away!' call. It's your instinctive red light and 'Stop' sign in the road.

The only error you have made is to not be responsible for heeding this feeling. That doesn't make any of the abuse your fault. You didn't do it. You were never taught to avoid it. You didn't know better. But now you do. It's your responsibility to yourself to take care of you as if you were a little kid. Take care of your feelings as if they were a little kid's feelings. All of us are children in the middle, with an adult exterior looking after and protecting that child. The healthiest of us take good care of that child. That's what you see in successful, confident people; a nurtured child with an adult exterior.

You have never learned to take care of that child, because she was never given an experience of being taken care of. How can that be your fault? It's like blaming yourself for not being able to do rocket science; our interactions as humans are based on what we learn as children, we don't instinctively know how to deal with being treated badly.

You can learn now. You can stop making the error now. If you don't like what someone does or says, tell them. If they keep doing it, leave them. That's it. That's boundaries. Fuck self blame, and start doing what feels good for you from today.

❤️

Cyberworrier · 22/08/2022 18:29

Also wanted to "like" @Watchkeys post, really wise words. Please listen to her, OP. And have some compassion for yourself. Your judgement/self blame is really not helping anyone in this situation, it's a waste of your energy when it could be much better focused. Please contact Womens Aid.

Shamanichealingcornwall · 22/08/2022 22:00

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Jennisted · 23/08/2022 14:37

Watchkeys · 22/08/2022 16:15

Try to distinguish between fault and responsibility. Abuse is the fault of the abuser. You are responsible for looking after yourself, and one of the things you need to protect yourself from is abuse. So it's your responsibility to stay away from abusers, but the abuse is a fault in their behaviour.

You are responsible for you, just like a parent is responsible for a child. That's what we do when we become adults; the reason we don't need to rely on our parents any more isn't because we don't need parents, it's because we are able to parent ourselves. One of the things a parent does to ensure that their child is happy and feels safe is to make sure they don't spend time with people who make them feel unsettled. So, if anybody makes you feel unsettled, just pull away from them. You have good boundaries, that's why he makes you feel weird. The weird feeling is what a crossed boundary feels like. Keep the feeling in mind, and use it as a tool. A signpost. It's the skull and crossbones flag of relationships. It is your body's 'run away!' call. It's your instinctive red light and 'Stop' sign in the road.

The only error you have made is to not be responsible for heeding this feeling. That doesn't make any of the abuse your fault. You didn't do it. You were never taught to avoid it. You didn't know better. But now you do. It's your responsibility to yourself to take care of you as if you were a little kid. Take care of your feelings as if they were a little kid's feelings. All of us are children in the middle, with an adult exterior looking after and protecting that child. The healthiest of us take good care of that child. That's what you see in successful, confident people; a nurtured child with an adult exterior.

You have never learned to take care of that child, because she was never given an experience of being taken care of. How can that be your fault? It's like blaming yourself for not being able to do rocket science; our interactions as humans are based on what we learn as children, we don't instinctively know how to deal with being treated badly.

You can learn now. You can stop making the error now. If you don't like what someone does or says, tell them. If they keep doing it, leave them. That's it. That's boundaries. Fuck self blame, and start doing what feels good for you from today.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Your message is wonderful and really explains it for me.
I was 15 when I entered the 18 year abusive relationship.
Time to look after myself and teach myself how ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
Jennisted · 24/08/2022 21:19

Sorry to ask another question but when I leave, do I tell the mother of his older children (girls ranging from 6-13)? Or do I entrust that she's known him for longer than I have?

OP posts:
Original poster
Jennisted · 26/08/2022 22:02

Just bumping for an opinion or two please on the last question.

OP posts:
octoberfarm · 27/08/2022 03:29

I think I would discreetly mention it if it were me, making sure you're clear when you explain why you're telling her. His response to your past was just so incredibly wrong Flowers

Original poster
Jennisted · 27/08/2022 12:38

octoberfarm · 27/08/2022 03:29

I think I would discreetly mention it if it were me, making sure you're clear when you explain why you're telling her. His response to your past was just so incredibly wrong Flowers

Thank you.
Me and his ex don't get on so I don't want it to come across as just saying stuff to be petty. But I feel it's important.

OP posts:
wafflesandeggs · 27/08/2022 13:17

Jennisted · 22/08/2022 15:41

How can it not be my fault though? Through all these events and now, the common factor is me.

Have a read of this OP:

www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

I really recommend that you stop dating completely for a few years until you feel confident that you can spot “sharks” quickly.

I agree about being cautious about sharing details in case it is used against you and for informing the other children’s mother (a text is fine). I recommend sending any proof you have as well so he can’t dismiss it as you being a bitter ex.

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