DH is “intimidated” by me

[Aklop]

How do we go back from this?

Context: got together in mid 20s, it’s been about a decade, got married along the way, both had good career prospects when we met (met through work, no longer work where we met or together), I have done a little better and bring home a bit more, this is not a new thing/ never been an issue and the difference isn’t huge just gradually the gap got wider.
I am in general a confident person, well spoken etc. DH is not either of those things but has an abundance of good qualities (kind, supportive, always putting everyone else first, easily does his fair share of housework, excels at sports, musically talented etc).

Tonight we had an argument. It came about because I shared that I felt unappreciated, I feel like I do all the couple admin (that’s because I do - mortgage, bills, run myself but also feel like I have to remind him to do his stuff eg don’t forget to pay Bob £20) despite us both working FT. This came at a time I just finished doing something for(/with) him and said a thank you wouldn’t go a miss. He begrudgingly thanked me. I told him I don’t feel my efforts are appreciated. He says he managed fine for 25 years without me, doing something differently isn’t wrong. (I agree it is not but I can’t help but feel most things just don’t get done, certainly not in a timely manner unless I keep reminding).

Not sure what I’m asking for here.. we just couldn’t seem to get ourselves out of that situation despite trying to work through it (after some time to calm down) along the way I asked if he’s intimidated by me, didn’t get an immediate answer but later on he brought up that yes he thinks that he is. This made me feel a little sad and now not sure how to go about it.

I am by no means perfect and want to work through our issues.
Any advice?

you do sound slightly overbearing, do you genuinely believe that if you weren't around he wouldn't do things obviously he should be thanking you when your doing something nice/courteous but do you think that you tend to want things done your way rather than his?

I don't think that you sound overbearing. You sound efficient and you're doing the life admin so it gets done on time etc. Maybe his confidence is low in this area, but perhaps you can both play to your strengths in the relationship so it feels more balanced, or each have agreed set tasks to do, when they need doing.
Very difficult but maybe try not to remind him of things more than once and when it's not done, leave him to sort it out, don't step in. If he appreciates you, he needs to step up a bit more and share the load. If you have kids together there will be way more of this life admin and mental load so try to sort it fairly now.

You've outgrown him and he knows it.

ypu Feel unappreciated and that alone would mean a real conversation with your partner. My partner does the bulk of admin and such while working and I confess I sometimes forget myself and take it for granted.

it was brought up to me and now I actually have alarms to remind me that all that work behind the scenes is my partners hard work and to show appreciation.

nothing about that is intimidating …. Unless effort and growth are?

Truth is I have excelled and lived without my partner, but I also truly value what they bring into my life. I will do just fine alone.

Which makes me truly thankful for the value they bring into my life.

PS you don’t sound overbearing… you sound like you want your efforts noticed. That’s reasonable.

I have a similar relationship with my sister. She's you and I'm him.

I don't want to sound horrible but I reckon he's saying that to shut you up. It's what I'd say. It'll either flatter you and make you feel guilty. Either way, you'll back off for a while.

What a strange and loaded thing to ask someone, your partner especially. Are you intimidated by me?! It going to have come across to him that he ought to be.

My partner earns significantly more than me. He would never ask this. And I'm not.

I think you need to come off MN and chill. He's not a child. You say he's kind, courteous, does his fair share generally. Then why are you pushing for a thank you like he's a child? You should know he's grateful. And if he isn't, then he maybe isn't as kind as you think.

It sounds like you need to relax and stop projecting stuff into your relationship. I honestly can't get over that you randomly asked if he's intimidated by you, just because you helped with something and he didn't think to thank you.

Take a step back. Stop reminding him. And stop doing stuff for him if he can't remember his mannners.

How is the relations otherwise?

Hmm, tricky. I think the phrase "a thank you wouldn't go amiss" is something usually said by a parent to a child. Maybe he's feeling infantilised. How about if you stop reminding him to do his stuff? The reminders seem to be irritating both of you. It's his problem if it doesn't get done!

After a decade together it's natural for a relationship to feel mundane at times. Maybe a conversation about how to regain a bit of the spark? Think of fun exciting things you could do together. In other words - discuss positive ways to improve your relationship, rather than dwelling on negative factors.

People have different styles and ways of being, values and priorities - we all operate differently in the world. I get the impression you are organised, efficient and like to keep on top of things, while he is more laid back. I wonder whether you think your way is superior, and in pushing him to adopt your approach you feel overbearing to him.

You say he puts others first - that's a bit of a giveaway. People who do that often have a struggle to assert their needs, and find their sense of self being lost (when I put everyone else first, what's left for me?) You push him to behave more like you - which would feel intimidating.

So how about you appreciate him for who he is? You say he's kind, supportive, caring, creative - do you really want him to lose some of that in exchange for greater efficiency? Maybe you do. Maybe he doesn't. But before you pick his character to bits, perhaps you can take a long hard look at yourself.

Why can’t you let him do it his way? Why are the earnings relevant?

The telling thing for me is that you say you are confident, well spoken etc, he is not. But then list his other good qualities as though they compensate because your qualities are preferable. Stop comparing him, either go with the ying and yang and share both your strengths or just go.

To ask your DP if he feels intimidated by you is quite arrogant and suggests you already know he feels brow beaten, you already resent him, perhaps he resents you and there’s the rot setting in.

Currently it sounds like the parent child dynamic, more common than you would think.

I don't understand why you have to remind him to do stuff like "pay Bob £20" - surely if he owes his friends money, that's his business? I don't really understand why you're involved in that part of his life.

My DH is also pretty unorganised and chaotic but you know, he lived alone for years before we met and managed just fine - so he really doesn't need me to get involved.

As for paying bills and sorting the mortgage - surely all that is on direct debit and just comes out of an account? I wouldn't really expect a thank you for that either, I have to say.

You might want to consider if you're taking over rather than being in the same team as your dh.

You want things done your way and in a timely manner, according to your opinion of what's timely. Actually does it really matter if he's a bit slow paying Bob? And who does it actually affect?

Perhaps try to let things slide and let him adult in his own way, unless it's actually crucial.

You're not his mum.

it Does come across that you think you’re superior to him and actually
the fact you keep on top of the
admin is no Big deal. I’m sure he does
other stuff to help you out. Think you need to respect him rather than emasculate him

If someone asks you to do something and you do it that deserves a thank you. If someone doesn't ask you and you choose to do something, wether they are grateful or not will depend on wether they wanted you to do it or not.

*I am in general a confident person, well spoken etc. DH is not either of those things

said a thank you wouldn’t go a miss

(I agree it is not but I can’t help but feel most things just don’t get done, certainly not in a timely manner unless I keep reminding)*

Never mind your husband, I feel slightly intimidated by you just reading these things!

But I think you're working through your issues in the right way. You're talking and being honest with each other. Just keep communicating. It's a process, it'll be awkward at times (like now) but it's the only way forward.

Why did you ask him that question?

It's quite demeaning and loaded.

You're better at remembering things and like stuff done in a timely manner. Fair enough. He isn't like that and you need to remind him. He pulls his weight in every other way from what you've said- works ft, does his share of the housework etc
He doesn't sound so bad!

Why are you going in about the fact you earn more than him?

I don't think he's intimidated by you. I think you were having an awkward conversation and you suggested to him that he might be intimidated. He agreed because it was a way out that was effectively your fault, or just to bring the conversation to an end. I wouldn't be focussing on the intimidating thing.

Also, being intimidated doesn't explain why he doesn't do any of his own life admin. I think you've just given him an 'out' / and excuse, which doesn't actually exist.

I would be focussing on the fact that he is leaving his own life admin to you, as well as family admin. The former is easy to resolve... just stop doing it. Don't remind him to make an appointment, don't remind him to get his mum's birthday card, don't make appointments for him. Just don't. He has told you that he can manage perfectly well without you doing that. And you have your own life to sort out. So it's the right thing to do, for both of you.

When it comes to the family life admin, split it between you and each take responsibility for your own bits. And let him do his bits how he wants to do them. Anything that really matters to you (eg your own family's birthday presents / your children's doctor's appointments) you might want to allocate to yourself.

I don't understand why you think he would be intimidated by you. You do things in a different way that's all. You mention being well spoken like it makes you better than him. It really doesn't. I too think he said he was just to shut you up. I think that you think you're superior to him and he's beneath you. That's the main issue here.

He's not really though is he? You asked him an exceptionally loaded question based on your own issues and he would've been fucked no matter how he answered it.

Why do you think he would be intimidated by you for you to ask that in the first place?

You sound like a MN martyr IMO. Why do you feel the need to do everything instead of letting the wheels fall off? Does it really matter if Bob gets paid his £20 late or not at all? Why do you even know that your DH owes one of his mates £20 in the first place?

You don't come across well. You sound over-confident. You believe that because you earn a bit more and do the admin in the partnershio that you are owed gratitude and that your partner should feel intimidated by you. Perhaps you should be grateful that you have a partner who sounds decent and who you have said does his fair share most of the time.

My DH is occasionally scared of me but that's because I can be quite difficult, he can be controlling and overall, it works out fine. This sounds different, he's taking the kiddy role and you're the parent now.

You do need to relax and let him do stuff in his own time and way but don't nag or remind him. Let him sort any issues arising if stuff isn't done.

We have a big white board and talk through what needs doing but after that, it's up to the other person. We have occasional lapses, particularly with food, where I'm a bit awkward but it's better for him to have the mental load for meals sometimes, even if it feels uncomfortable and I'm so much more efficient.

If he does nothing or free rides or you lose the plot with too many things undone, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship, particularly if you don't have DC yet. It won't improve with more stress.

So you think you are better at admin, take the wheel with everything, you decide how and when things happen, and you want to be appreciated for your actions? I just think maybe you aren't being thanked because it isn't necessarily what he wants and maybe it feels like he is just there for the ride. If he's saying he managed without you, that sounds like he arguing that he is capable. So why would he be arguing that? I don't know if he is intimidated (Not for me to say) but there is obviously something going on.

I think you should split responsibilities, each take different things. Split insurances, each being responsible for personal pension/healthcare and splitting mortgage and utility bills, set up a single space for you both to use so you both have access to it all.

Also, don't bother to remind him to pay Bob £20. If he forgets he will remember or he will face the consequences of forgetting. It's his life to manage, not yours to micromanage.

I thunk this misses the point. In the sexist world we live in, men are 'supposed' to bring the bread home, so obvs a woman shouldn't be intimidated by that cos tgats how woman are brought up!
Conversely, men who earn less may be uncomfortable because they are brought up to be the breadwinners.

OP you sound very efficient to me, well done. I think your DH may find your speed and effectiveness intimidating it's probably nit much to do with your earnings. But it's part of your character so he needs to find a way to accept it and perhaps you need to be a little more chivalrous about being able to sort stuff out so quickly. IE, you say ""Another one sorted, let's have a beer" or "let's have a cuddle and watch TV". You don't need to ask people for thanks then as chivalry creates that feeling of gratitude automatically. Worked for me and my DH. 😁

It seems like you think he should be like you and must want to be, but is simply incapable of it hence is intimidated by you. It sounds like he's just who he is and isn't intimidated by you, just wants you to stop bugging him to pay Bob or say thank you or say whether he's intimidated or not. He's not inferior but asking him that is one way to make him feel it.