DH is “intimidated” by me

[Aklop]

How do we go back from this?

Context: got together in mid 20s, it’s been about a decade, got married along the way, both had good career prospects when we met (met through work, no longer work where we met or together), I have done a little better and bring home a bit more, this is not a new thing/ never been an issue and the difference isn’t huge just gradually the gap got wider.
I am in general a confident person, well spoken etc. DH is not either of those things but has an abundance of good qualities (kind, supportive, always putting everyone else first, easily does his fair share of housework, excels at sports, musically talented etc).

Tonight we had an argument. It came about because I shared that I felt unappreciated, I feel like I do all the couple admin (that’s because I do - mortgage, bills, run myself but also feel like I have to remind him to do his stuff eg don’t forget to pay Bob £20) despite us both working FT. This came at a time I just finished doing something for(/with) him and said a thank you wouldn’t go a miss. He begrudgingly thanked me. I told him I don’t feel my efforts are appreciated. He says he managed fine for 25 years without me, doing something differently isn’t wrong. (I agree it is not but I can’t help but feel most things just don’t get done, certainly not in a timely manner unless I keep reminding).

Not sure what I’m asking for here.. we just couldn’t seem to get ourselves out of that situation despite trying to work through it (after some time to calm down) along the way I asked if he’s intimidated by me, didn’t get an immediate answer but later on he brought up that yes he thinks that he is. This made me feel a little sad and now not sure how to go about it.

I am by no means perfect and want to work through our issues.
Any advice?

Morning everyone, thank you for all the comments - the positive and the negative ones even if it was hard to read.

A few points to clarify:

• We went round to "Bob's" for a bbq last weekend - they did the shopping and told DH he owes £20 (for us two). DH didn't pay. Bob followed up on this in the week. Friday night and DH still hadn't paid. I find this embarrassing, especially because it involves me. DH hasnt not paid because hes malicious, hes just disorganised. I'd hate to owe someone money and I've no idea of the ins and outs of Bob's finances. I have to keep reminding DH to get things like this done. I thought this was preferable than "give me Bob's bank details and i'll transfer" I don't want to micromanage or be controlling.

• 
  @lailamaria - I think if I wasn't around he'd get by in society mostly fine, nobody would suspect a thing from the outside but when I met him he had next to no savings despite having a good job, he didn't ever look at his bank balance (he still doesn't much until I bring it into conversation - oh its payday today let me have a look, dinner out on me etc). In the years running up to buying a house together/saving for a deposit I was very conscious of what I've saved each month and would ask him to make an effort too so that we each put aside some funds. So basically, I manage finances.

• 
  @Sisiwawa Yes I am efficient, anything else stresses me out. He parked somewhere he wasn't supposed to in a new city recently - got a fine, would have been £40 if paid immediately or £80 after 2 weeks. I reminded but didnt myself pay it for him. We can all guess how much he had to pay. I don't know how to get him to learn without doing it myself and without verbally reminding.

• Sadly yes it does feel like I have a manchild sometimes - hes not lazy, he will get things done but usually only if I ask him first eg. I'll clean the bathrooms etc would you mind hoovering? We're out of milk, would you mind getting XYZ? I'm working late on Thursday, reckon you can make dinner? The answer is always yes. Sometimes if I dont ask it will get done regardless, great, but sometimes it doesnt and its stressful to come home at 9/10pm to no food. If my "late" finish is 7.30 I test the waters by not saying anything re:dinner, sometimes its there, brilliant, but when its not, its not too late for us to put something together. I have to plan ahead re: meals. I have to plan re: holidays. It is exhausting. On the rare occasion he suggests something "theres a new restaurant I think we should try/ maybe we could go to X park" I jump on the chance.

• 
  @fatgirlslimmer The earnings aren't relevant. It doesn't bother me. I'll probably need to go PT in the nearish future if we have DC. He mentioned it last night (for the first time and made reference to feeling this way - I imagine "intimidated", for a couple of years, I suppose the gap has widened more in this time). I should say DH is immensely intelligent, certainly more than me, I perhaps work harder/smarter/more confident and its paying off. In the beginning we were both proud of me, doing well getting promoted in a male dominated industry. My prospects probably are now quite a bit brighter than DH, just a reality, but thats what years of graft has done for me. He does the minimum for the max gain. @Catlover1970 I don't think I'm "superior" to him but if I'm honest, yes, I do feel I'm more hard-working, driven, organised than him. I am not as intelligent as him, not as good at sports/music etc. Do I think I'm "better" - how do you even measure that, no I dont, I think we are different. He makes me happy, I enjoy being around him etc.

• 
  @Caroffee I am confident in some ways but not in others. I wish he'd back himself more. I am definitely his biggest cheerleader. Not sure why I should be grateful for having a partner "who sounds decent and does his fair share most of the time" - this to me is a minimum in a relationship/marriage. I'm not going to applaud him for being decent or pulling his weight most of the time. I am "decent and do my share" and also manage couple stuff and frequently have to dip into DH stuff otherwise the negative outcome impacts both of us. I cant help but want the best for him and by extension us as a unit.

• He is very laid back. It also sounds like the way his parents brought him up was very laid back. It worked out fine for him as he's one of those people that's good at everything he does - whether it be sports (hes competed at semi professional level), music, academics/career etc all with little effort. His older sibling wasn't quite so talented and also puts in little effort and not particularly driven, this has meant he's still living at home wants to move out but has no desire to get a job that enables him to do so. His parents are glad he's met me and from the beginning would say I'm a good influence and they wanted it to rub off.

• I think I sometimes feel resentment because I see him taking the back seat, relaxing, beer in hand, tv, music, sports a lot of the time but has to be "asked" to do everyday tasks whereas he can see me working flat out, late finishes etc but I do this because I do have more responsibilities and projects with deadlines etc, once its out the way I'll have down time too. I don't do this because I love my job, I don't dislike it, I do it because I need to put the graft in now it's relatively temporary and will mean that hopefully we can afford the lifestyle he too wants.

• The intimidated thing, I think that suggestion came out of frustration. We were arguing, he'd rather brush things under the carpet for an easy life. I wanted to understand what the problem is so that we can resolve it. He's not much of a talker at the best of times and he would rather have not had that conversation. Which would mean we don't talk, ruin our Friday night off together, he wouldnt approach me or apologise (or if he does, he'd say sorry for an easy life not because he is genuinely sorry, hes sorry hes upset me rather than sorry for doing whatever it is that he did, if that makes sense). He'd just go hibernate in his man cave, listen to music/game etc until I approached him to resolve the issue. I have tried not being the one to take the first step - days go by and its long and boring and sad until it slowly fizzles out "your mum called to say xyz" or "Jim's coming over and asks if you want to ABC with us". I'll tell him I wish he was more forthcoming etc, he never really has anything to tell me to work on which I find frustrating because I dont understand the problem when there obviously is one and I think thats when I suggested if hes intimidated, why else are you not telling me what's bothering you? ... but perhaps I shouldnt have said it at all.

We get on fine, good in fact, most of the time. He went and slept in the spare room last night so he was obviously annoyed at me but wasn't able to express why. He's got up early and gone cycling this morning. Here I am writing a mammoth post on MN feeling really frustrated. Not sure how to approach him when he's back. He 100% does not want even think about separation but has no solutions for how to get out of this rut so we keep going round in circles of normal happy life with these arguments thrown in, and when it happens we're back at square one because we hadn't resolved it the last time it happened.

Sorry for the absolute essay, very willing to take advice from all you wise MNers. Happy Saturday to you all.

I am in general a confident person, well spoken etc. DH is not either of those things

it sounds like he is comparing himself to you and thinks he is not you equal, I don’t think your partner really cares about money things but I doubt he is very happy either.

I thunk this misses the point. In the sexist world we live in, men are 'supposed' to bring the bread home, so obvs a woman shouldn't be intimidated by that cos tgats how woman are brought up!

20 years ago yes, now not so much

Try relationship counselling?

But it sounds like a character thing with him.

I'm not sure I would have children with a man like this, knowing he's like this. I mean, you may love him and all that, but really unless he changes personality, it'll be you doing all the thinking for the entire family - and it's bloody hard work.

If you resent him a bit already without children, it'll be hugely magnified with children.

See, with the Bob scenario, I don't understand why you didn't just pay him if it was bothering you.

Otherwise it's DH's friendship to navigate as he sees fit.

I second the PP who advised relationship counselling. Your DH needs a safe space and a neutral third person mediator in order to express his side of all this, you need the same to safely express your frustrations, and you both need a trained person who can help you to resolve the issues amicably.
Good luck, and I hope you can both engage fully with the process in order to have a strengthened and happier marriage.

@category12 Thank you. He just has so many redeeming qualities. The good times are more frequent and are really good. We both fit into eachother's lives - family/friends really well. We have been through a lot together, we were young when we met, gone through a lot of ups and downs both personally, professionally and with families - ill health, bereavements etc. We have supported each other through a lot. I may be "more successful" today, this is the first time I've heard of it being an issue, may only be transient and certainly he's had a huge part to play in being the backbone and support I have needed at the times I needed it the most. I 100% don't intend to make him feel intimidated. He says he does not want to ever separate, that is why we married etc. I am also not deluded into thinking there is a man (or woman) out there for me (or him) who is perfect, surely they'll have their own flaws. That said I am not saying we'd be miserable without eachother or never find someone else... I want to work through this together rather then consider anything else.

Yes I am efficient, anything else stresses me out. He parked somewhere he wasn't supposed to in a new city recently - got a fine, would have been £40 if paid immediately or £80 after 2 weeks. I reminded but didnt myself pay it for him. We can all guess how much he had to pay. I don't know how to get him to learn without doing it myself and without verbally reminding.

you are treating him like a child because he doesn’t think the way you think, it’s his his parking ticket, his fine , let him deal with, same with the Bob money this
I was un his shoes I would be one rethinking the relationship

The “I don’t know how to get him to learn” comment sounds like everything is you way or the highway.
sorry, you don’t sound quite overwhelming, no wonder he is unhappy

I don't see any problems in your relationship that are unsurmountable. Yes, you need to let go of this idea that everything is plannable/foreseeable/resolvable, and he needs to start being more interested and active in the admin and the housework (and the relationship?). I'm sorry he slept in the spare room, and I'm sorry you are left on your own feeling the way you do. It isn't nice. Can you just text him something? Give him a hug when he get's in? I don't think you sound intimidating, but I think you sound stressed, and that if you don't keep hold of everything it will fall apart. I felt like this, and I had a serious accident that meant my DH had to do everything, and he stepped up. The relief was palpable. You need some support here I think. And maybe relationship counselling might be a really good thing for you both.

Perhaps at least part of the problem is me, I'm completely willing to accept that. Rarely are problems ever completely one-sided. I also understand whatever his issue is with me is probably abstract and not something he can easily put his finger on. I definitely want to work on it but I need to know what I'm doing wrong so I can work on it. If I knew what it was I wouldn't be doing it. I also need him to work on things too, not just say he will but actually do it.

From what you all have said, its made me think maybe I am being over-powering / expect things done my way - efficiently, let him do things on his own terms and try not to let it bother me (or at least not show it). Anything else?

He's just got back, said good morning, taken his cycling stuff off and at his desk looking productive. Not sure how to approach this...

If he's sitting at his desk looking productive on a Saturday it sounds like he knows he's got some admin to catch up on and is trying to meet you in the middle?? If you're both willing to communicate and compromise then that's a good start.

What tripe - he is using that as an excuse not to do anything and telling you should be more meek and malleable. Tell him he needs to grow up and grow some balls.

Joint counselling. Space where you can both speak, with someone objective to reflect back to you both.

What tripe - he is using that as an excuse not to do anything and telling you should be more meek and malleable. Tell him he needs to grow up and grow some balls.

Please ignore this ridiculous load of bollocks. This is the fast track to divorce

I wonder if he feels you 'nag' him too much. I would never have asked if I intimated him as that implies you feel there is something to be intimated by, ie that you are somehow superior when you aren't, you just have different ways of doing things.