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Original poster

Would you date someone who was close friends with more than one ex?

30 replies

Foodx123 · 19/08/2022 19:51

Post on behalf of someone else!!

Would you date someone who was close friends with more than one of their ex’s?

One of the ex’s lives in his mortgaged home. In lockdown she needed somewhere to stay and he wasn’t staying there so agreed. (he’s never there because he works away, and the rest of the time he’s staying with his girlfriend) He pays half the mortgage, and half the utilities, but he has not stayed there for the last few months since starting a relationship with his girlfriend.

opinions? Should the girlfriend be concerned even if they have a platonic relationship?. They originally broke up because the woman didn’t want to be with him which was 5 years ago.

OP posts:
MolliciousIntent · 19/08/2022 20:07

Yup. I did, and would do it again. We had a grand total of 7 exes at our wedding, between the two of us, and both of us had previously lived with at least one of those exes after breaking up with them.

Some people are just better at breakups than others. It would count in his favour, for me.

5128gap · 19/08/2022 20:22

No. Unless she was the mother of his children, I wouldn't expect any more than superficial social contact, for example passing the time of day if their paths still crossed
I know of too many close friends with ex situations which turned out to involve at least one still having feelings for the other. Or were a symptom of some sort of narcissistic hareem behaviour.
I'm sure there are situations where it's all fine, but
with all the men out there to choose from, I'd see no need to risk that sort of drama.

SultanOfSwing · 19/08/2022 21:00

Yes. I think it’s a good sign that previous relationships have been safe, careful, and loving, even if they didn’t work out in the end.

But you would need yourself to be very secure in your own self worth and value and all that you had to offer. It might not suit someone who needed much reassurance and definitely not someone given to jealousy.

It would require a very high level of trust. Definitely not for everyone.

ToppCat · 19/08/2022 21:45

Yes I would. It would say to me that they had respect for them.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 19/08/2022 21:49

@5128

No. Unless she was the mother of his children

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/08/2022 21:51

Two of DP’s exes are coming to our wedding. Over the time I’ve known him they’ve become two of my closest friends. It’s never occurred to me to see them as a threat: if they still wanted to shag each other then they’d have remained together. I like them immensely and can see why he loved them.

J0y · 19/08/2022 21:51

Agree with poster above. I think it's healthy to be friendly but not close to children's mother.

I did actually date a man who boasted he was friends with all of his exes as I think he thought that PROVED he was a zen buddhist god or something. I found it very hard to believe when I looked back and never contacted him again. I think they were women he was juggling on the periphery and not exes at all.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 19/08/2022 21:52

@5128gap
I agree with you !

(They are an ex for a reason)

Christmasiscominghohoho · 19/08/2022 21:55

Absolutely not.

Marineboy67 · 19/08/2022 21:57

I would say a firm no after an my last ex! She kept all her exes close for a number of purposes and. One she confided all her emotional baggage in and used to rent plant equipment and tool hire from. An ex husband still in love with her that fixed all her electrical jobs and plumbing. Another ex that did building work in exchange for sexual favours etc. Remarkably all named John.

dottieautie · 19/08/2022 22:13

Previously in a relationship I’ve not had an issue with it but my current partner (of many years) never speaks about his past relationships with his exes, all I know is that he was engaged to most of them and they ended it with him. I don’t know their names or how long they went out. He doesn’t even recall stories of the times he was going out with them which I’ve always found odd. Because he’s so secretive about his past relationships I’d feel uncomfortable with them still being close friends. I’d feel very differently if he was open about them and had introduced us. He’s not in touch with any of them.

It’s hypocritical of me as one of my best friends is my ex but we went out as teens, were never really in love and my partner knows everything there is to know about our relationship. The two get on quite well.

Undecidedandtorn · 19/08/2022 22:14

I'm friends with a couple of exs - I would hate it if that put someone off me.

TheLeadbetterLife · 19/08/2022 22:16

dottieautie · 19/08/2022 22:13

Previously in a relationship I’ve not had an issue with it but my current partner (of many years) never speaks about his past relationships with his exes, all I know is that he was engaged to most of them and they ended it with him. I don’t know their names or how long they went out. He doesn’t even recall stories of the times he was going out with them which I’ve always found odd. Because he’s so secretive about his past relationships I’d feel uncomfortable with them still being close friends. I’d feel very differently if he was open about them and had introduced us. He’s not in touch with any of them.

It’s hypocritical of me as one of my best friends is my ex but we went out as teens, were never really in love and my partner knows everything there is to know about our relationship. The two get on quite well.

Wut.

TheManSellsFish · 20/08/2022 18:21

Or were a symptom of some sort of narcissistic hareem behaviour. I know one if these.

GreyCarpet · 20/08/2022 18:25

In theory, yes, for the reasons given.

In practice, no, for the other reasons given.

PlanetNormal · 20/08/2022 18:26

Yes, I would. It reflects well on people if they are still friends with their exes.

Isaidnoalready · 20/08/2022 18:38

I think in the example given its doing them both a favour she needs a roof over her head he gets half his mortgage paid

As a rule no but that's because my ex tells everyone we are friends and it's bullshit we are not friends so I would be concerned that they are lying like him

6ixty9ine · 20/08/2022 18:41

5128gap · 19/08/2022 20:22

No. Unless she was the mother of his children, I wouldn't expect any more than superficial social contact, for example passing the time of day if their paths still crossed
I know of too many close friends with ex situations which turned out to involve at least one still having feelings for the other. Or were a symptom of some sort of narcissistic hareem behaviour.
I'm sure there are situations where it's all fine, but
with all the men out there to choose from, I'd see no need to risk that sort of drama.

Agreed. You can be friendly without being friends. Of all the people to be besties with, you chose your ex? I'm not getting involved in that, but it might suit others.

Johnnysgirl · 20/08/2022 18:47

MolliciousIntent · 19/08/2022 20:07

Yup. I did, and would do it again. We had a grand total of 7 exes at our wedding, between the two of us, and both of us had previously lived with at least one of those exes after breaking up with them.

Some people are just better at breakups than others. It would count in his favour, for me.

I think that's downright weird. Better at breakups, eh?!

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 20/08/2022 22:02

It always seems like a bit of a red flag to me, being friends with loads of ex's.

  1. Many people didn't want to be with you for various reasons, could be good or bad
  2. Don't seem to be able to let go of the past for some reason, might not be that, but for some it is
  3. Keeping them around for favours or confidence boost, this is just sad

It might not be any of those reasons, but I'd be aware of the above and be looking out for more clues on if any are relevant so I can run away quickly.

figtrees · 21/08/2022 15:50

I'd say being on good terms with ex partners is a green flag.

Shows they handled the break up maturely. Nobody stays friends with an abuser or cheat.

I'm very close friends with 2 ex boyfriends. One from about 15 years who when we were teenagers and another from my twenties. 3 year and 5 year relationships respectively.

We have no interest in getting back together. One is in a 10 year relationship of his own. We just get along. Its nice.

I'd be more worried by somebody who had a string of crazy ex partners or didn't want you ever able to speak to their ex etc!

Johnnysgirl · 21/08/2022 17:26

figtrees · 21/08/2022 15:50

I'd say being on good terms with ex partners is a green flag.

Shows they handled the break up maturely. Nobody stays friends with an abuser or cheat.

I'm very close friends with 2 ex boyfriends. One from about 15 years who when we were teenagers and another from my twenties. 3 year and 5 year relationships respectively.

We have no interest in getting back together. One is in a 10 year relationship of his own. We just get along. Its nice.

I'd be more worried by somebody who had a string of crazy ex partners or didn't want you ever able to speak to their ex etc!

It really isn't. It's a sign of someone who is either unable to move on, or who has lived in the same small town all their lives, with a very limited social life.
And possibly one who has never truly loved someone enough to care that they're no longer together.
Who wants or needs an introduction to their partner's ex's?

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/08/2022 18:52

Johnnysgirl · 20/08/2022 18:47

I think that's downright weird. Better at breakups, eh?!

Show quote history

Not every relationship ends because somebody has cheated or been abusive, and not everyone drags a relationship out for years past its sell by date so that by the time you eventually do break up it’s because you’re both thoroughly miserable, hate each other’s guts, and would rather never set eyes on each other again. It’s perfectly possible for two adults who care about each other to realise that they have different wants and expectations for their lives which aren’t compatible with being in a relationship, and to break up well. I have a couple of exes who fall into that category and it would be odder if we hadn’t stayed friends: they were - are - great people who I like immensely, just not as romantic or sexual partners any more.

twoqueens · 21/08/2022 19:02

For me the perfect result of a breakup is that you never contact each other again (no need unless you have children together) and very occasionally think fondly of them.

If you are still in regular contact with ex's that would indicate to me that your weren't someone who has grown/developed much or you live in a very small town and limited opportunities for a social life or you are a narcissist who needs your harem around you propping you your ego.

None of this are good in my eyes.

Ex's at weddings are not a good thing either in my eyes, grow up and move on!

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/08/2022 19:30

For me, the perfect result of a break up is that you both end up happier. I’m glad that for me and some of my exes, that happiness still also includes each other. As quite possibly the happiest person I know, I must be doing something right.