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Original poster

DP throwing money at the problems

34 replies

User57994 · 19/08/2022 18:44

I got into a trap of doing all the cleaning and housework.

Complained about it.

DP hires a weekly cleaner to make up for not doing "his share". Pays from his own money.

Its still me picking clothes up from floor, loading and unloading dishwasher, tidying and day to day keeping on top of things.

If I don't cook tea, he buys takeaway, never any attempt to cook tea for the family himself.

Are these acceptable solutions? It does take a chunk off my plate which is what I wanted but can't decide if I'm placated or not 😄

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 19/08/2022 18:47

Nope a weekly cleaner just does a weekly deep clean it doesn’t at all

and they don’t do cooking washing up washing etc

so no not a solution

hotfroth · 19/08/2022 18:50

Just don't tidy any of shit up. Leave it all over the floor for the cleaner to find. They can complain to him about it.

mooshypooshy · 19/08/2022 18:51

I wish mine would do that. Grin

ChloeKellyIsAnIcon · 19/08/2022 18:51

I think the cleaner is just about acceptable. The takeaway thing would bother me more, because it's about health as well as cost - most takeaways are quite unhealthy. And you surely can't have a takeaway every other night? So you must still be cooking most nights?

Phalarope · 19/08/2022 18:54

I was doing the bulk of cleaning but DH now does the bulk of tidying-for-the-cleaner, so that’s worked out ok I think.

I get the takeaway thing: it essentially means that if you want a nutritious, balanced, thought-out meal…you have to do it. And stops the “feck it, I can’t be arsed cooking, let’s get a takeaway” card being one you can play as often (assuming you don’t actually want to eat takeaway all the bloody time).

EmmiJay · 19/08/2022 18:57

If you don't want him, can I have him?🤣 He sounds exactly like me! I don't think this is terrible behaviour tbh. 😬 As long as he's paying for it of course.

WhosthatGirlJess · 19/08/2022 19:01

This was one of the issues with my ex H. It wasn't about the money, it was about the fact that he basically viewed a cleaner as a replacement for me - interchangeable woman tidying up after inconsiderate bloke. Still me doing the tidying in readiness for the cleaner, whereas he'd have happily left everything everywhere. He was the same with meals. I cooked the majority of meals and if I ever pointed out it should be his turn, he'd just call a takeaway. Again it was a lack of effort. He wouldn't discuss anything or attempt to redress the balance, just chucked money at it to shut me up and shut me down. For me this showed up time and again in many other ways in our marriage and we had other issues too, but eventually it all became unacceptable. I think only you can decide if this is acceptable to your relationship, it wouldn't be for me but you always have pp who this sounds good to! It's really up to you.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 19/08/2022 19:03

Not DH material

Original poster
User57994 · 19/08/2022 19:06

WhosthatGirlJess · 19/08/2022 19:01

This was one of the issues with my ex H. It wasn't about the money, it was about the fact that he basically viewed a cleaner as a replacement for me - interchangeable woman tidying up after inconsiderate bloke. Still me doing the tidying in readiness for the cleaner, whereas he'd have happily left everything everywhere. He was the same with meals. I cooked the majority of meals and if I ever pointed out it should be his turn, he'd just call a takeaway. Again it was a lack of effort. He wouldn't discuss anything or attempt to redress the balance, just chucked money at it to shut me up and shut me down. For me this showed up time and again in many other ways in our marriage and we had other issues too, but eventually it all became unacceptable. I think only you can decide if this is acceptable to your relationship, it wouldn't be for me but you always have pp who this sounds good to! It's really up to you.

I think this sums up the discomfort I feel about it, despite it solving at least part of the issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
User57994 · 19/08/2022 19:07

hotfroth · 19/08/2022 18:50

Just don't tidy any of shit up. Leave it all over the floor for the cleaner to find. They can complain to him about it.

I wouldn't do that to the cleaner though, my mum was a cleaner. I'd just find it disrespectful somehow.

OP posts:
Merlott · 19/08/2022 19:09

He could at least go and get some ready made salads or healthier ready food on "his" nights! Put an order in to his "restaurant", put your foot down woman!

Stop picking up after him, stop washing his clothes. If you come across any of his crap just put everything in a big box of shame next to his bed or in his study, whichever will annoy him more.

You have to make it painful for him and believe me if talking to him worked, it would have worked already. You gotta communicate with behaviour the same as he is doing to you

Goldbar · 19/08/2022 19:09

Nope, not acceptable. Cleaners only clean. So that only gets him out of cleaning the bathroom, hoovering, mopping floors and anything else the cleaner does. Stop doing the laundry, dishwasher, tidying etc. because he's not doing his share of that. Leave it for him to do before the cleaner comes. We have a cleaner - 'tidying up for the cleaner' is a sizeable task in our house because we're not naturally tidy or organised and takes a couple of hours usually.

magaluf1999 · 19/08/2022 19:17

I can really relate to this.

It doesnt sound much.

But the only way i got a night off cooking with the ex was for a takeaway.

It got to the point where i just didnt want another bloody pizza or indian and to feel gross or not really enjoy it or to sabotage my healthy eating attempts. It sounds like such a small thing but week in week out for years it made me want to scream. And i dont mind an occasional take away!

Beancounter1 · 19/08/2022 19:20

he basically viewed a cleaner as a replacement for me - interchangeable woman

This. It is not about the money, it is the blatant sexism. His absolute refusal to do any 'woman's work'. If it was me I would dump him.

Threelittlelambs · 19/08/2022 19:22

I wouldn't do that to the cleaner though, my mum was a cleaner. I'd just find it disrespectful somehow

whilst I’d agree, in this situation I would not tidy his things away, he’s paying her and he can have that discussion with her when she can’t clean for mess.
We have cleaners at work and they don’t clean anything they can’t get too. Same would apply to domestic cleaners I’d assume.

Hopeandlove · 19/08/2022 19:24

Beancounter1 · 19/08/2022 19:20

he basically viewed a cleaner as a replacement for me - interchangeable woman

This. It is not about the money, it is the blatant sexism. His absolute refusal to do any 'woman's work'. If it was me I would dump him.

This

Beachbreak2411 · 19/08/2022 19:24

Dear Lord. Some women really will moan about absolutely anything 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ Your poor husband.

Fireflygal · 19/08/2022 19:28

How did he manage when he was single?

Original poster
User57994 · 19/08/2022 19:29

Beachbreak2411 · 19/08/2022 19:24

Dear Lord. Some women really will moan about absolutely anything 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ Your poor husband.

And what if I decided to do the same? I have money I could buy takeaways with. Would we just live on takeaways?

It would be an interesting experiment to try it and see if he said anything, for sure 😄

OP posts:
Ladyof2022 · 19/08/2022 19:30

"Stop picking up after him, stop washing his clothes. If you come across any of his crap just put everything in a big box of shame next to his bed or in his study, whichever will annoy him more."

This ^

Hopeandlove · 19/08/2022 19:31

Actually the more I think the more I get mad about this one.
if he was living alone what would he do?
or you had children?

a cleaner once a week is not tidying or daily housework or chores. Takeaway is not a thoughtful planned out meal - what about breakfast lunch and tea and coffee and shopping or is he assuming you do all of those?

why doesn’t he employ a full time housekeeper ? Does he wash up after a takeaway and put the rubbish out. If you said I’d like a steak, peppercorn sauce and creamy potato mash with fresh green beans does he order that? Drinks and dessert?

Original poster
User57994 · 19/08/2022 19:33

Hopeandlove · 19/08/2022 19:31

Actually the more I think the more I get mad about this one.
if he was living alone what would he do?
or you had children?

a cleaner once a week is not tidying or daily housework or chores. Takeaway is not a thoughtful planned out meal - what about breakfast lunch and tea and coffee and shopping or is he assuming you do all of those?

why doesn’t he employ a full time housekeeper ? Does he wash up after a takeaway and put the rubbish out. If you said I’d like a steak, peppercorn sauce and creamy potato mash with fresh green beans does he order that? Drinks and dessert?

He does have children, I don't.

Unless I cook for them they get takeaway. Its me on at them to tidy rooms etc.

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 19/08/2022 19:49

So now you know why his ex dumped him!

Ultimately this boils down to you not liking his lack of care for household tasks or cooking. Perhaps he thinks they are beneath him or he finds it boring. Upshot is you won't be able to live co-operatively with him.

Do you live in his house?

TooManyPJs · 19/08/2022 20:01

We have a cleaner. I do all the top-up cleaning and the washing etc as my DH works more but otherwise we clear up after ourselves. He does his own tidying up after himself and if he uses the kitchen will wipe the side and so on. I don't want to feel like I am running around cleaning and tidying up after him, i am not his skivvy!

Eeksteek · 19/08/2022 20:02

Beancounter1 · 19/08/2022 19:20

he basically viewed a cleaner as a replacement for me - interchangeable woman

This. It is not about the money, it is the blatant sexism. His absolute refusal to do any 'woman's work'. If it was me I would dump him.

I don’t think it’s even that. It’s not good for anyone to not pick up their shit after themselves. It creates a deeply poor understanding of, and a lack of respect for, the mental and physical effort that goes into cleaning, let alone into daily housekeeping, laundry, admin and feeding. The person who mops the floor will change muddy boots before they walk on it. The person who does not will not bother. And don’t get me started on toothpaste!! People who clean messes are more careful to make fewer of them, because they appreciate the time and energy it takes to clean them.

It’s too easy to de-value work you never do. Like people who drop litter, and say ‘my taxes pay for people to pick it up’ It’s continually making someone else responsible for the effort of picking up your mess, which makes you a) a fucking child about it and b) really inconsiderate of the mess you make. It’s amazing how little effort cleaning up seems when someone else does it, and how much more mess is made by people who don’t have to clean it up. There’s no faster way to devalue someone’s work, I think.

I’m not against having a cleaner at all. But a once a week house clean is a really small proportion of the work it takes to run a house. I calculated that I was doing 20 hours a week to shop for, cook for, clean up after meals, launder, generally keep the place tidy, and administrate the daily lives of two adults and a toddler. That did not include any childcare at all (although obviously some of it was done while supervising a child) and we had a cleaner. She did two hours. She did not ‘do the housework’ as my DH thought. I bloody did. She just wiped over clear counters, cleaned a tidy bathroom, changed the beds and mopped the totally unobstructed floors. She had no part in meals, laundry or admin at all, and it took a couple of hours for me to prep for her coming, because they were both so untidy. And she only came once a week, and meals, clean clothes, clean dishes, fresh nappies and other supplies somehow continued to mysteriously materialise daily.

Stop doing his share. Every time he mentions something, say ‘I thought the cleaner would do that?’