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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling depressed

35 replies

LaurenSE · 19/08/2022 10:18

Hi,
Im not really sure why im posting. Maybe for clarity that im not insane? Advice would be appreciated.

For background....
I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months. In this time we have only ever had 1 night apart. We both have separate houses. Mine is owned, his is rented with 1 other person.

I am an introvert at heart and i ask for space when i dont think i should have to ask as it is my home. When i do say id like space he says that its because i dont love him or dont want to be around him. I just want a night on my own is that too much to ask.

I have asked him for space on a number of occasions and he doesn't leave my house just goes for a few hours then comes back.

He has moved clothes into mine which im not happy about as it is my home. I dont think im enjoying this relationship as it feels rushed. He wants me to sell my house so we can get some thing together, but he has no money, no savings and no deposit. He is terrible with money.

Thanks for listening x

OP posts:
okjay · 19/08/2022 10:19

I wouldn't be with him in truth.

Itsbeenabadday · 19/08/2022 10:23

It sounds like you are quite incompatible with different needs. Your need for space makes him feel rejected and his need for constant contact makes you feel suffocated. Talk about this honestly with him and decide whether this is going to work for you or not.

PetalParty · 19/08/2022 10:51

Are there any problems with the other person he’s renting with and that’s why he doesn’t want to go home to give you space?

Would he want to rent a place he’s happier to be in sometimes at least?

It doesn’t sound like you like you’re very happy with him at the moment. What are the pros and cons of the relationship?

Mwnci123 · 19/08/2022 11:24

LTB

AgentJohnson · 19/08/2022 11:29

Run, don’t walk, RUN! He’s moved in by stealth and after just seven months, he’s trying to manipulate you into signing him up as a full time cocklodger. RUN!!!!!!

Greengreengrassbluebluesky · 19/08/2022 11:32

You are allowed to finish with him you know. It doesn’t sound like he will go away easily though so make your decision and stick to it.

elfycat · 19/08/2022 16:02

Don't sell your place and get him on a Mortgage without equal contribution. That makes him go from Cocklodger to parasite.

But honestly please ditch, I've a friend in a similar situation (he was sofa surfing and moved in within a month of their dating) and He's caused massive financial hardship to them with his shit money skills.

Meaning this kindly, do you have problems with boundaries in general? I know some people are expert at pushing past what is reasonable & I think that's what's happened here. Reasonable people can't spot this happening because we simply don't understand shit behaviour as we don't do it.

I've been there & have the t-shirt. And the new insight into shit behaviour.

Mumofnarnia · 19/08/2022 21:51

errrm no I wouldn’t be selling my house for a guy I’ve only been with for 7 months. Especially for someone who has no savings, no deposit and is rubbish with money. I would be worried that he has an ulterior motive.
Does he contribute towards your bills/ food at all while he’s staying with you?

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 19/08/2022 22:04

AgentJohnson · 19/08/2022 11:29

Run, don’t walk, RUN! He’s moved in by stealth and after just seven months, he’s trying to manipulate you into signing him up as a full time cocklodger. RUN!!!!!!

Good advice.

Original poster
LaurenSE · 19/08/2022 22:54

Evening,

No he does not do a food shop when at mine but will sometimes pick a few bits up if needed. I feel like i am repeatedly asking for space and he just ignores it. He does not contribute to bills either.

I would not dream of moving into someone's home by stealth so im not sure why he feels the need to. He also refers to it as our home even when i have told him that i live alone and he does not live with me and that it is my home

OP posts:
PiecesofFive · 19/08/2022 23:49

He's a bully love.

Have you got friends or family who could move in with you for a bit.

He needs to understand and listen to you and quite frankly he is bulldozing you into submission.

Get him out.

Original poster
LaurenSE · 20/08/2022 08:12

@PiecesofFive so last night i asked him to leave and go home for the night and after me asking enough times, he has.

I agree with a PP. He didnt go easily. He was stood begging me at the door saying he likes it here and that he wanted to stay but i persisted and locked the door.

He has a set of keys which i will get back today.

He seems to think that because i had last night to myself he can just turn up this morning.

OP posts:
TwilightSkies · 20/08/2022 08:15

Please be careful OP, he sounds dangerous

MsFrog · 20/08/2022 08:21

This is very strange behaviour. I agree it sounds like you should seriously consider ending this relationship. Hope you're ok, OP

Watchkeys · 20/08/2022 09:00

I dont think im enjoying this relationship

Then leave. It's that simple. Tell him it's over, you don't want to see him anymore, and get your keys back.

Fraaahnces · 20/08/2022 09:02

Whether you agree or not, he clearly thinks he lives there. Pack his things and have them ready for him. He’s a parasite.

Original poster
LaurenSE · 20/08/2022 09:31

And just to add if he nips out he is alwags messaging me, and this morning the texts have started early. He has admitted that he likes knowing where i am not out of control but out of a sense of worry? Does this make sense it doesnt to me.

He has started saying what he wants in a new home when i buy it and has assumed he would be moving himself in. I told him if i buy somewhere new then it will be for myself, my little sanctuary.

OP posts:
Original poster
LaurenSE · 20/08/2022 09:32

He also quit his job after meeting me

OP posts:
Original poster
LaurenSE · 20/08/2022 09:33

I still work full time he doesnt. He tries to stay at mine when im at work and ive told him absolutely not and that its not okay.

OP posts:
Dery · 20/08/2022 09:34

You need to end it, OP. He’s a massive user who cares nothing for your needs, wants or feelings. He clearly thinks it’s your job (as a woman) to look after him (the man) and entirely sublimate your needs to his. There’s nothing worth saving because a decent person wouldn’t bully, emotionally blackmail and bulldoze you like this in the first place. This is not the man for you.

As a PP said, do you have a friend or relative who could stay for a few days while you get him out of your home? He probably won’t go easily but he needs to go.

Dery · 20/08/2022 09:37

Christ, OP - with your updates, it’s hard to understand why you haven’t already run a mile. He quit his job after meeting you - WTAF? What did you learn about relationships growing up that has kept you in this one? Please end it. He sounds awful. I don’t care how good-looking or good in bed he is, this man will blight your life. He already is.

Original poster
LaurenSE · 20/08/2022 09:41

@Dery i agree. I appreciate everyones replies so much and the support on here is much better than IRL.

I will be able to have a family member stay for a few days as i think you are right. It will be best.

I dont understand how ive ended up with him as i have good morals and am usually quite switched on, this seems to have passed me by though. Im sad ive allowed this to happen.

I think 2 people should be equal and have always had this belief. Even on dates I would always offer to go halves as i am financially independent and would never want any one to feel put out by paying for me as i get things cost money.

OP posts:
Remagirl · 20/08/2022 09:42

You need to end this asap. You also need your locks changed. He may have had keys cut you are not aware off. Don't mention space just say it's not working for you. I'd also suggest having a 3rd party close by if you need it (friend or relative) x

Original poster
LaurenSE · 20/08/2022 09:44

Sadly this is what i saw growing up men quitting jobs and the female was always the breadwinner. I always said i would never allow it to happen to me.

I work hard for myself to give me a good life, i didnt ever plan on providing for someone who thinks its okay to sponge.

OP posts:
PiecesofFive · 20/08/2022 09:49

Get that family member in and get him dumped.

Any sign of trouble with him phone the police, he's going to be upset he's lost control over you.