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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Roommate abusing me and blames me for unsuccessful date that I wasn't even present for

35 replies

clib · 19/08/2022 09:32

>i own a house
>let best friend of 10 years come and live with me for a highly discounted rate
>have pretty good time until last week
>he goes on date with a girl
>the date is unsuccessful
>instead of admitting that she wasn't that into him, she blames it on me. says that him living with a woman is 'too much' for her
>he has significant shortcomings that would make him unappealing partner
>he is 28, NEET, lives on welfare, has no college/achievements/irl friends, personality disorder, dependent on others, doesnt drive, no ambitions or goals, serious benzo addiction
>they also live 3hrs and a £40 train fare away from one another, (he doesnt work or drive)
>he now utterly and unironically believes her. that i, having done nothing but accommodate him, am responsible for their demise
>mfw NEVER even spoke to her, interacted with her, know her name or anything about her. i did nothing. i was not present for the date either. i dont even have social media.
>threatened to kill himself over this one date
>claimed that he tried to neck himself over this (no marks on his neck)

>is now treating me like shit
>burned a frame picture of us together, sent me the video of him doing so
>says i have ruined his life
>literally never seen this side of him
>he is trying to force me to accept responsibility for her rejection of him and is even posting online that it's my fault

i cannot choose between these theories:

>his date was genuinely intimidated by me and the impressive life i have built for myself and that i am a well-adjusted normal woman
>his date was just not into him at all
>there was attraction, but not enough for her to overlook the inconvenience of the distance
>he acted batsh** and overemphasised my presence in his life to a woman he didnt know very well

i know this is misdirected anger but f her for blaming me instead of being honest with him, because of her i have to deal with his meltdown. i am currently staying at my uncle's because he is being so unpleasant towards me.

i do not want to lose our 10 year friendship, he has always been there for me and has been my rock. we are extremely close.

what do we think the chances are that her excuse of being put off by his female roommate is in any way real?

OP posts:
SheWoreYellow · 19/08/2022 09:34

Does it matter? Just tell him to fix the problem by moving out.

Etinoxaurus · 19/08/2022 09:34

This is really concerning behaviour. Does he have a cpn?

BloodAndFire · 19/08/2022 09:35

You, a single woman, invited this person to come and live with you for a very cheap rate?

he is 28, NEET, lives on welfare, has no college/achievements/irl friends, personality disorder, dependent on others, doesnt drive, no ambitions or goals, serious benzo addiction

Sounds legit.

Original poster
clib · 19/08/2022 09:35

if you have any advice as to how i can get him one i am all years. his mum and i have been desperate to get him help.

OP posts:
Original poster
clib · 19/08/2022 09:36

a CPN i mean. how can i get him a CPN?

OP posts:
Tree543 · 19/08/2022 09:36

He sounds extremely dangerous

IncompleteSenten · 19/08/2022 09:37

Why do you give a shit?
None of those possibilities in any way excuse him going fucking nuts! Burning stuff?

He threw ten years of friendship away by treating you like crap and you've moved out of property you own to calm him down.

Come on.

How much money and lifts and stuff do you help him out with normally?

viques · 19/08/2022 09:38

He is not your room mate, he is your lodger and as such can be asked to leave your home with minimal notice, which is something I suggest you initiate asap. Like this morning.

mondaytosunday · 19/08/2022 09:39

One can have a great friend but that doesn't mean they should live together. But this guy is obviously troubled and you'd be best to get him to move out.
All you can do then is be supportive and try and steer him to getting some help through his GP. But really this is NOT your problem.
This whole business with the date is irrelevant and the least of what's going on here.

Spohn · 19/08/2022 09:40

Yeah, just remove him from your house. Assess your standards for friendships.

viques · 19/08/2022 09:42

clib · 19/08/2022 09:36

a CPN i mean. how can i get him a CPN?

You are in touch with his mother, you hand over responsibility for her son back to her, you have done your best for him for 10years, which is probably 10years longer than he deserves.

Spohn · 19/08/2022 09:42

he is 28, NEET, lives on welfare, has no college/achievements/irl friends, personality disorder, dependent on others, doesnt drive, no ambitions or goals, serious benzo addiction

why would you want this male in your house? 😄 get a grip.

RosiePosie80 · 19/08/2022 09:42

He sounds unhinged. You should Kick him out. Don’t waste any more time wondering about his date- she probably just said whatever came into her head to get away from him.

NotDavidTennant · 19/08/2022 09:43

>he is 28, NEET, lives on welfare, has no college/achievements/irl friends, personality disorder, dependent on others, doesnt drive, no ambitions or goals, serious benzo addiction

So he is basically a messed up loser who is sponging off you and now he's turned nasty?

ehb102 · 19/08/2022 09:44

Why are you in an abusive relationship with someone you aren't even having sex with? For goodness' sake, have some boundaries, send him back to his mother. Like a dog that tastes blood, he's spoiled now, he no longer respects you and feels entitled to abuse you.

PennyPencils · 19/08/2022 09:45

I think if you pander to this and don't get firm straight away, this could end up being the start of more of this behaviour.
Like others said, he sounds unhinged and dangerous. You can't reason with someone who thinks that they can behave like that.
Good luck.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/08/2022 09:45

Get him the fuck out of your house, immediately. This man is very dangerous.

CousinKrispy · 19/08/2022 09:55

Someone who sends you a video of him burning your photo is not "your rock." You might still care about him and choose to be friends and offer what support you can, but this person cannot be a rock of any sort for you to rely on.

It's wonderful that you are so compassionate towards a friend who appears to be struggling with his mental health. But it sounds like you need to re-examine your boundaries and make them far stronger before you put yourself through more risk and stress because of him.

Looneytune253 · 19/08/2022 09:56

Turn it on him. The problem is not YOU (op) it's that he hasn't managed to get himself a stable place of his own. He seems very dramatic after one date

DragonflyNights · 19/08/2022 10:31

Why on earth would you believe this woman even said that? That’s the least of your problems - you’ve really got someone who you describe as your ‘rock’ yet is clearly completely chaotic with zero income and now paranoid and threatening in your home?

For real?

hugefanofcheese · 19/08/2022 10:37

Ask him to leave immediately. Preferably have someone else there. He's gone way too far.

Bananalanacake · 19/08/2022 11:14

Well it's obvious what you need to do, he says you have ruined his life by living with him so you need to stop living with him, as in kick him out now.
He is also a lazy, worthless POS, does he not have any ambition to work at all.

AgentJohnson · 19/08/2022 11:19

You’ve put yourself in a very awkward position. You can not fix him.

billy1966 · 19/08/2022 14:12

Ring the police and get him out.

Naunet · 19/08/2022 14:42

What on earth are you thinking? Why are you so invested in this dangerous, abusive loser? It’s like you think you’re some kind of rehab for him. Get him out, focus on you, invest in you, not unstable, lazy, entitled men. If he’s really such a good friend, then he will still be your friend after his moved out, but his tantrum currently sounds like he thinks YOU should be the one to move.