It’s always my fault

[Mrsalone]

Every argument. Every disagreement. It’s somehow twisted to be all my fault. The level of blame and accusation and actually the level of dislike towards me is frightening.
We have 3DC. I feel like I can’t leave. Or can’t decide if leaving would be worse. (He is the primary carer. I work full time and he never has). I’m scared I would lose my children).
So how on earth do I stay sane?

This sounds awful. How old are the dc?

I recognise this, also DP is primary carer and I have always worked full-time. DC are teens now. Maybe yours are younger. I think the problem is years of resentment and a sense of having had to compromise, but in reality he did a lot of what he wanted. Just makes out I am always wrong, always to blame. Don't know answer. Solidarity.

Sounds familiar, my ex used to be an expert at this. When he got into his gish gallop flow he also used to do what I called in my head his chicken walk .

When we split up he phoned me once and I just let him rant on, he went on for a surprising amount of time with me making noncommittal hmm noises. Leave him, the worst you will get is 50/50 care surely?

BTW my ex has a new angle, trying to make me feel sorry for him. I have no idea how he doesn't realise I have utter contempt for him and would not piss on him if he was on fire.

Kids are all early primary. I feel like I’m clinging on by my fingernails. Sometimes I wonder if it is all me. He is so sure of himself and seems so angry. I keep searching for a magic phrase that will make him realise he’s wrong. There isn’t one is there?

What I hate the most is when we aren’t locked in some argument we actually get on really well. I don’t understand him.

@wordleaddict I am sorry to hear you are going through similar. What’s your way of coping with it?

Is there one incident or fact you can hold on to, where he was categorically in the wrong? For me, it was when my mother died (and other times) I was very much struggling to cope with life, drinking too much. Instead of supporting or helping, he plied me with spirits to take advantage.

That was a concrete occasion that I could hold on to. I was the vulnerable I had been in my life, and he took advantage.

You need to hold on to something to stop his obfuscation and twisting. They are always sure of themselves.

But can you ever persuade them with evidence they where wrong and unkind? Or will they just believe what they believe no matter what you say. And you just have to hold onto your own truth?

And I’m sorry @Featuredcreature that you didn’t get the support and love you needed.

Sorry you are going through this. It makes for such a hostile environment and a miserable daily existence.

I can relate. For me it was when I fell ill with Covid and DH implied I’d brought it on myself. Apparently it was MY fault that I’d contracted a virus!!

This was what finally made me realise we couldn’t carry on like this and we had a frank chat.

Since then he’s been on antidepressants which have made a big difference. Would your DH consider talking to a GP?

I can completely relate to this. My stbxh was always always right, it absolutely messed with my head, I used to question my own judgement after every argument. Things came to a head this year when i found he had signed up to a dating website and caught him red handed, he couldnt escape that one. He was sorry for a short while but then turned it around to be my fault (I didnt meet his needs etc). I made the mistake of going back and forth a few times after this and things got nasty. He managed to walk away thinking he was the innocent party in it all and there is no arguing against it. A complete and utter head fuck. The problem is with these sort of people is they have to recognise they are wrong and they don't so whats the point?

A headfuck is a great way of describing it. After every argument I pour over the details trying to work out how I can change and be better next time. He doesn’t obviously because he’s never in the wrong at all.

@TangoWhiskyAlphaTango I am sorry you went through that and I’m glad you found the strength to walk away.

Imo suggest you both work part fine jobs. Pay childcare. Insist it is for the dc's benefit.
You need to be seen as parenting equally or he could come out of a split with the dc and possibly benefits while you pay him Cms...

Yes that’s why I’m not splitting. He just won’t do anything he doesn’t want to do. And that includes working part time or anything else. I’ve spent years trying to get him to work. He’s not going to start listening now.

Is this a new thing or has he always been like this ? My dh has started doing this in the last year - after a mental breakdown. Stopped taking antidepressants as soon as he could.

It now seems like he can't deal with emotions & he completely over reacts over something trivial & it's all my fault

I think he’s possibly always done it. It’s just my ability to accept it has changed.

I would suggest you seek legal advice re the children and as soon as possible. At least then you will know where you stand and knowledge after all is power.
He will also likely make any attempt for you to separate and or divorce as long and protracted as possible to “punish” you for having the gall in his eyes to leave him, he being an all perfect specimen in his head.

Remember that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Your marriage is over really because of the abuse he meets out to you and in turn the kids. It’s only a matter of time also till they potentially start copying him and using similar mannerisms and words against you so as to not become a target themselves. It’s not their fault nor yours he has decided to conduct his own private based war against you. Such men too hate women and all of them.

I would also suggest you contact Womens Aid as they will advise you also. For your own self going forward the Freedom Programme is worth doing.

Abusers can be “nice” sometimes and what he is showing you is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. Seeing all this will affect all your children to their detriment, their dad does not care about them really and only about his own self.

Armchair psychologist here but it sounds like he's taking you down a peg or two as he's not fulfilling his "role" where men are the breadwinner and he's emasculated. It's a power play for him to feel like he's got some clout/power in the relationship.
It's poisonous and you'll never win or convince him he's an arse.

The best thing for you would be to leave. I would worry about primary care of DCs, definitely seek legal advice.

Honestly you may as well argue with the wall, accept it or walk away. He will never see it in my experience and you will loose your mind / your mental health will suffer. I think my stbxh did it to make himself feel good and as a result I always felt shit about myself, like there was something innately wrong with me. I have to remind myself I was married to my first husband for 18 years and we barely rowed so I don't think it was me. Although it has been painful to split up I realise it is 100% the right thing to do (even if he hadnt signed up for a dating website we were always rowing).

I have spoken to a solicitor regarding the children if we were to split. I could argue for 50/50 care but it wouldn’t be guaranteed. I could easily get less than that. One of our DC has additional needs and would find moving between two homes difficult which is a factor.

I think I can’t leave until my children are older. So if I’m going to stay I need to find a way with being ok with being at fault (in his eyes) all of the time.

Why would you get less than 50/50 wrt to the children?

How much older would the kids be at that time?. It won’t be “easier” to go then either as you will be a further shell of yourself by then and find yet other reasons not to leave (new school etc). In those intervening years he will continue to abuse you, and in turn them.

I would also suggest you get another opinion from a Solicitor and talk to the Rights of Women organisation as they can give some legal advice. Womens Aid are also worth calling.

After every argument I pour over the details trying to work out how I can change and be better next time.
Stop. None of this is you. It's all him and it's abusive.
And don't fret about what makes him do it (eg he's emasculated because you're working and he's not) because that doesn't matter. All that matters is that this is how he treats you. You need to survive. You need to thrive. You probably won't be able to do that with him.

if I’m going to stay I need to find a way with being ok with being at fault (in his eyes) all of the time.
It is possible to stop caring about someone, for their words to wash right over you, to make your life robust by not caring about what they say or do.
But it's dangerous.
As soon as he sees you aren't in bits because he's angry, he'll up the aggression. You need to be aware of this because it could put your life at risk.

Have I missed some details along the way? I know you have three children, one with additional needs. I don't know if you are married to this man. I don't know if you are owner-occupiers of your home or if you are renting. I know he does all the childcare - and I know you need legal advice.

I suggest you start therapy as soon as possible. Talk about how it feels to be in the wrong all the time.

Also, instead of trying to adapt to live in the abusive situation he created for you, look for some small place near school, or near your family if you have them, where you can live with your children.

Very best wishes. I hope you find a way to get out safely and set up a much happier life for yourself and your children.

He is ignoring me at the moment because I haven’t backed down and apologised like I normally would. I want to say I’m fine with it and enjoying the peace. It’s actually churning me up inside. I’m worried how long it could go on for and want to smooth things over. Why is his approval so important to me when actually I think he’s a bit of a dick?

We aren’t married. We own the house jointly. We only bought a year ago so little or no equity in the house. Our deposit was tiny. No other savings.

Stbxh and I could go a week without talking as I'm as stubborn as him but would I would eventually see the error of my ways. As I said it's still painful but I'm free from his shit now and his new woman can put up with him.

You'll drive yourself mad in the end unless you can completely detach which is hard.