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Original poster

One-sided friendship and now it feels too far...

50 replies

S2P78 · 18/08/2022 09:50

Hello
I'm feeling a bit huffy and I need to vent, but not sure where. One of my closest friends (of 23 years) feels totally self-absorbed, and has done for years. Covid made this worse. She doesn't asks about me/shows interest in my life. I've been with my partner for four years and she's made no effort with him (she met him once and he said he just talked at him and asked him nothing), cancels every time she was going to come to stay over recent years (blames covid, even when it was fine to travel, or work). Always puts work first, and I feel taken for granted having made the journey to see her loads of times over the same period (she lives two hours away). I feel our conversations revolve around me asking her questions, and her talking about her. I sent her new puppy presents, send her supportive cards, and remember important events to message and say good luck. I ended up saying something to her about this when she expected me to go to Cornwall for her birthday (I live six hours away). We sort of resolved it, but all I wanted was for her to make an effort to show interest/come and visit, but she hasn't. Says she's got too much on/she has a dog so it's hard now and I need to be patient with her.
Anyway, the big news is that now she's having a baby on her own and has set up a big whatsapp support group, with daily injection updates, and I feel pressured to contribute/keep up with all the messages. I'm just a bit fed up - and hurt.
BUT I will add that she sees things differently, says my expectations are higher than other people (I see it as just wanting a response and not to continually cancel), and in the past (distant past) she has been a very good friend who was a support with some family stuff I had in my 30s. She's always been unreliable, and likely to cancel, but she is a workaholic...so I've always cut her slack around this.
Just want to support her IVF stuff and obviously having a baby on your own is a massive thing, but also again it's me making the effort...I can't now say anything else, but what would you do?! I want to be kind, but also I'm feeling a bit angry, and not sure if this is irrational! I do know that what she's going through is major, after all.
Thank you for your thoughts.

OP posts:
Hempy · 18/08/2022 09:57

She sounds like hard work. I'd just let the relationship fizzle out eventually.

JudgeRindersMinder · 18/08/2022 09:59

Remove yourself from the WhatsApp group (if you haven’t already) and just step right back from her

Caroffee · 18/08/2022 10:10

Very similar to a situation with an old friend of mine. She's very self-absorbed and doesn't ask about my life. I always travel to see her. BUT she was one of only two frienda who offered to come to my Mum's funeral to support me and the only one who actually came. At times, I have considered letting the friendship fade out but I always end up missing her. So I continue with this friendship but on my terms, namely that I'm not in a lot of contact with this friend. I certainly wouldn't be supporting her on an ongoing basis on a WhatsApp thread. She is asking you for something which she wouldn't provide in return in the boot was on the other foot. That is one-sided and SHE is being unreasonable to expect this.

SpiritedAway22 · 18/08/2022 10:12

Leave the WhatsApp group and stop making the effort. You'll find if you don't make any effort it'll fizzle out quite quick.

WTF475878237NC · 18/08/2022 10:15

I think it'd just quietly fade into the background of her life to be honest. She has so much going on you haven't been that important to her for a long time it seems.

Original poster
S2P78 · 18/08/2022 10:15

@Caroffee That's very similar to me - my mum died 12 years ago and she did support me a fair bit through that. It's such an old friendship with many memories so it's hard to let it go, but I've got increasingly annoyed with how much it's about her. I guess since i've been with my partner he's flagged this too, and made some comments which have shown I'm not imaginging it/being unreasonable. I don't know if she expects lots of engagement from me on the whatsapp group, but there are daily updates from her and I feel obliged to join in. You're right though - she doesn't the other way around, and hasn't. I think I need to pull away a bit, but now that she's having a baby on her own and needing support this is making me feel guilty.

OP posts:
Original poster
S2P78 · 18/08/2022 10:17

@WTF475878237NC this is true, it's just hard to do with such a long friendship. I am very aware I'm not a priority and haven't been for a long time. She also started her own business a few years ago, and since she's a workaholic that takes priority, and if she has a baby obviously nothing will get better! I know I need to back away a bit to feel better, but now that whatsapp group makes it feel difficult. Plus I think her other friends on it expect me to be all in, as she tells them I'm her oldest friend, etc. I feel i can't leave it as that'd be too brutal, eek!

OP posts:
Ourlady · 18/08/2022 10:19

I would leave the group. It sounds far too intense and weird I must say. Tell her you’re taking a break from SM and concentrating on your family more.

Original poster
S2P78 · 18/08/2022 10:25

@Ourlady That's a good shout. I think it'd cause upset if I left the group...but I think I'll message her to say I won't be contributing much as focusing on family and other things. That might cause upset too, but yes - it does feel weird. And she talks about herself in the third person sometimes, which I simply don't get. The group is 'XX (her name) IVF journey' . Maybe it's to make herself feel better though, don't know.

OP posts:
caulescens · 18/08/2022 10:34

I would mute the WhatsApp group and only check it as often as you feel comfortable (possibly once a day to start with, if you can see there are messages in it) - then if you want to send her any support to response to something she posts in it, do so in an individual WhatsApp message not to the group one.

Slow fade. Don't put more effort in than she does any more.

Original poster
S2P78 · 18/08/2022 10:55

@caulescens This is a good idea. Thank you.

OP posts:
Caroffee · 18/08/2022 10:55

S2P78 · 18/08/2022 10:15

@Caroffee That's very similar to me - my mum died 12 years ago and she did support me a fair bit through that. It's such an old friendship with many memories so it's hard to let it go, but I've got increasingly annoyed with how much it's about her. I guess since i've been with my partner he's flagged this too, and made some comments which have shown I'm not imaginging it/being unreasonable. I don't know if she expects lots of engagement from me on the whatsapp group, but there are daily updates from her and I feel obliged to join in. You're right though - she doesn't the other way around, and hasn't. I think I need to pull away a bit, but now that she's having a baby on her own and needing support this is making me feel guilty.

Yes, same with me. Twenty-year friendship. I've found that I can't let it go (have no problems doing this with more recent friendships). So I will in contact but not regularly.

Mary46 · 18/08/2022 13:03

I went slow fade on a 20 yr friend. Felt it was one sided past few years. All texts and chasing was me. No birthday text. I just realised op Im not being a doormat any more. Its hard do though.

Original poster
S2P78 · 18/08/2022 13:25

@Mary46 Did you tell them why/try to resolve it? I have tried - and nothing's changed in the way I need it to. She still just messages about her stuff, and hasn't made any attempt to visit. I've never done slow fade but it might need to happen, or at least for the friendship to take a big back seat for a while.

OP posts:
Mary46 · 18/08/2022 13:31

No op. She seemed happy to meet but once I did all the running. Said life busy. But when I got into my car I waved but thought it be up to me to get in touch again. Thats not a friend.

Riverlee · 18/08/2022 13:33

Turn of the notifications and look at the group once a week.

Is she pregnant now? If not, seems a bit risky to tell the world about your (cliche warning) journey, in case the pregnancy doesn’t take.

(As an aside, didn’t know you go down the ivf route as a single person. Thought you needed two to tango).

Winter2020 · 18/08/2022 13:39

I think if she was self obsessed and flakey about meeting before having a baby is going to take it to a whole new level.

Just mute the Whattsapp. Send a card if she has a baby. Make excuses to not visit like she does until it fizzles out. Put your energies into local friends that return the effort.

ClaryFairchild · 18/08/2022 13:46

Have you ever tried responding to her messages about herself solely with an update about yourself? Something like "awesome update, thank you. For myself, I've been doing x, having problems with y, thinking about z".

Kind of fighting fire with fire.

Original poster
S2P78 · 18/08/2022 13:47

@Riverlee No, she's just going through the initial injection stages. Yes, she's paying for it and going solo.

@Winter2020 That's sound advice. It makes me sad but it's how I'm feeling. It sounds silly but she got a puppy, so I went to visit the puppy several times - and I got a kitten, who she's never met and is now three. Obviously that's not a baby but she always has an excuse as it is anyway. But she'd travel for a work event.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 18/08/2022 13:48

she has felt self absorbed for years and she is one of your closest friends????

Original poster
S2P78 · 18/08/2022 13:49

@ClaryFairchild I did just that the other day, and I didn't get a response. I sent her pictures from a weekend away. I think she just wants to focus on her stuff/can;t take in anything else, not sure. I got a bit irrationally annoyed about always congratuling her work acihevements, and the time I had a big thing happen (video at work) she didn't respond. She just says she doesn't have the energy she used to to respond to people's needs (when I brought it up ages ago). But I don't think replying to a message is a big ask.

OP posts:
Original poster
S2P78 · 18/08/2022 13:50

@godmum56 Yes, but most notably through the pandemic...and I give her excuses because she's got lots on. And I have other friends who aren't like that - but then again, she's one of the oldest ones (and has been a support in the past).

OP posts:
that1970shouse · 18/08/2022 13:53

I had the same thing with a longstanding friendship. She was there for me in the past but after she failed to attend my wedding and both my parents' funerals, and I had inconvenienced myself for her on multiple occasions, I just stopped making the effort. Now we just message several times a year but never meet up.

KettrickenSmiled · 18/08/2022 13:54

S2P78 · 18/08/2022 10:25

@Ourlady That's a good shout. I think it'd cause upset if I left the group...but I think I'll message her to say I won't be contributing much as focusing on family and other things. That might cause upset too, but yes - it does feel weird. And she talks about herself in the third person sometimes, which I simply don't get. The group is 'XX (her name) IVF journey' . Maybe it's to make herself feel better though, don't know.

Why do you feel you need to announce it?
It will only make a mountain out of a molehill ... don't!
Just contribute when you can be arsed, & don't set yourself up for any volume of comms from yourself on it.

I don't know if she expects lots of engagement from me on the whatsapp group, but there are daily updates from her and I feel obliged to join in.
Stop wondering about what she expects. You are making a rod for your own back. You ARE NOT OBLIGED TO JOIN IN.
In fact, being in the group will make it a little easier to contribute less - you can just make the odd comment when you feel like it, in response to others.

You also say you feel guilty now she is pregnant.
Why? You didn't knock her up!
And she needed support because she got a puppy? FFS!
These are all her very own decisions. She doesn't get to grandstand about it - thousands of people have babies or take on dogs every day.

You need to give yourself permission to stop pandering to a woman who cancels on you last minute, who always expects you to do all the travelling, & who refers to herself in the third person.

How a flaky workaholic is going to manage solo parenting is another good question you could ask yourself.
Don't put yourself in the firing line on that one ...

Festoonlights · 18/08/2022 14:01

This is easier than you imagine.
Mute the WA or put into archive and then message once a week with a very benign ‘ hope all going well friend’. Nothing more. Stretch the next message out to 10 days, 14 and then every now and then to occasionally and then stop apart from the birth which will require plenty of gushing.

If she notices just tell her the truth. You are tired and busy and can’t post as much as you would like.

Gently ease the friendship into a low contact distant relationship. You do this by not sending cards and doing all the chasing. Meanwhile invest in other friends that care about you and your life. She sounds so self absorbed and is likely to be even worse when the baby arrives. Take the chance to back away now.