One-sided friendship and now it feels too far...

[S2P78]

Hello
I'm feeling a bit huffy and I need to vent, but not sure where. One of my closest friends (of 23 years) feels totally self-absorbed, and has done for years. Covid made this worse. She doesn't asks about me/shows interest in my life. I've been with my partner for four years and she's made no effort with him (she met him once and he said he just talked at him and asked him nothing), cancels every time she was going to come to stay over recent years (blames covid, even when it was fine to travel, or work). Always puts work first, and I feel taken for granted having made the journey to see her loads of times over the same period (she lives two hours away). I feel our conversations revolve around me asking her questions, and her talking about her. I sent her new puppy presents, send her supportive cards, and remember important events to message and say good luck. I ended up saying something to her about this when she expected me to go to Cornwall for her birthday (I live six hours away). We sort of resolved it, but all I wanted was for her to make an effort to show interest/come and visit, but she hasn't. Says she's got too much on/she has a dog so it's hard now and I need to be patient with her.
Anyway, the big news is that now she's having a baby on her own and has set up a big whatsapp support group, with daily injection updates, and I feel pressured to contribute/keep up with all the messages. I'm just a bit fed up - and hurt.
BUT I will add that she sees things differently, says my expectations are higher than other people (I see it as just wanting a response and not to continually cancel), and in the past (distant past) she has been a very good friend who was a support with some family stuff I had in my 30s. She's always been unreliable, and likely to cancel, but she is a workaholic...so I've always cut her slack around this.
Just want to support her IVF stuff and obviously having a baby on your own is a massive thing, but also again it's me making the effort...I can't now say anything else, but what would you do?! I want to be kind, but also I'm feeling a bit angry, and not sure if this is irrational! I do know that what she's going through is major, after all.
Thank you for your thoughts.

I tried to address it too with no changes. Some people aren't prepared to take on board feedback nor change their ways. I've tried the slow fade but miss her in the end. So she's just relegated to being an occasional messaging friend and see her once a year at the most. If I feel like I want to ignore her, 'me, me, me' on the messages, I do, and just respond by talking about myself. Of course, she continues with messages about herself. Many people communicate like this anyway. It isn't what I want the friendship to be like but it is what it is.

@KettrickenSmiled Thank you - this is helpful. I don't feel guilty because she's pregnant (she's not yet - just started the IVF process on her own). I feel guilty not supporting her by replying lots, etc, but you're right about making a rod for my own back. I need to just not feel guilty and stop putting the effort in. I doubt I'll see her hardly at all once she has a baby anyway/it'll be even more one-sided. I don't get why she does the talking about yourself in third person thing...!

@Caroffee sounds extremely similar!

Definitely ease away from her and just send congratulations if/when the baby arrives. Don't leave the group, just don't bother keeping up with it. Focus on other (more equal) friendships instead.

Dear lord she's not even pregnant yet but has co-opted everyone on Her Amazing Journey already?! Yeah, kinda goes with the third-person thing, which I have only witnessed on people who are tone-deaf to others, bumptious, or reckon they are so fab that their person constitutes a Brand ...

Yes, it's as simple as stopping with the guilt & no longer putting the effort in.
Part of that will be habit. But another part sounds ... apologies OP - a bit 'people-pleasing' & I reckon you could do yourself a huge favour by focusing more on that - & how it came about - than on your self-absorbed pal.
Note - I said 'simple' - not 'easy'!

Maybe have a browse on youtube at some Dr Ramani videos.
https://www.youtube.com/user/DoctorRamanDurvasula
She's an expert on narcissism. I'm not for a moment suggesting your pal is a narc, & that's not the point: the point is that, at some stage in your life, you might have spent too long at the hands of a narc-type. Hence over-developed guilt, ability to tolerate a one-sided friendship for decades, doing all the running for no return ...

I hope none of that comes over as cutting OP - it truly is not meant that way. I've suffered my own narc-types (EUPD mother, sociopathic exH) & the scars are real! But you can heal them a little, by understanding more about where your mindset came from, & how to arm yourself against - let's not say narcs, let's just say Cheeky Fuckers & unreasonable people - in future.

She just says she doesn't have the energy she used to to respond to people's needs (when I brought it up ages ago). But I don't think replying to a message is a big ask.
It isn't, but oh I would chortle if you turned this quite magnificent selfishness back on her ... "sorry pal, I just don't have the energy I used to have to respond to doing all the travelling, getting flaked out on, & never having you ask a single question about me, that I used to."

@KettrickenSmiled No that's actually very true and helpful! funnily enough, just read a book on people-pleasing and am trying to stop 😂Thank you for the tips and links!

It's a pleasure OP.

You may also find that once you hit your 50's & the oestrogen fades, you give waaaaay less of a shit about other people's demands

But do the work now anyway!
best of luck to you x

I think many of us had similar experiences…my ‘friend’ always asks me to travel to hers or meet at places and times entirely on her terms. When I try to put my foot down and suggest a place, she’d usually cancel last minute for being tired or whatnot. She also cancelled on me a couple times when a ‘better’ friend became available to her, and, most recently, because I said I can’t drink alcohol right now (it was just a lunch meeting anyways) but she found it too boring if she had a drink and I opted for a non-alcoholic one. (Not to mention that she gave birth recently and had met me many times during her pregnancy, and of course I never would have cancelled our meeting because she couldn’t drink.)
But then again, I don’t have many friends and whenever I tried to fizzle it out, I ended up missing her 😅so now I’ll just try to put myself first, like she does. If I feel like meeting her I text her, but if I’m busy then I will focus on myself

Life's too short to pussyfoot around pandering to self-absorbed people. Ease off, and don't feel guilty - they wouldn't!

Sounds like she has "main character syndrome" and you are a supporting character.
It might work well for some of the time but ultimately gets boring pretty quick in the real world where everyone needs support at times- not just "main characters".

She can't be busy if she's taken on a dog AND expecting a baby. She can't be arsed and I'm afraid is one of life's takers.

Agree with other posters about narc-pleasing and caring less about pleasing others now that I'm older and my oestrogen levels have fallen. I would have to say that my friend doesn't flake when a plan has been finalised. I hate this and have recently let another friendship go because the 'friend' did this. She also doesn't refer to herself in the third person. Never heard of anyone doing this tbh but it sounds ominous 🤣🤣

Its hard when its one sided op. I didnt want a big fallout either. She said life was busy but arent we all. I just feel Im not willing to make all this effort now. They dont!

@S2P78 the WhatsApp group sounds mental and completely self obsessed.

She's started a WhatsApp group and added her friends, who don't know each other, and called it Xx's IVF journey.

I wonder if she knows whatsapp has a "broadcast" function, where you can type a message and send it to multiple recipients, but in separate conversations. That way she can keep everyone updated, without forcing a load of ppl who don't know each other, into a group convo all about her.

Can you not just use her own words back to her?

She just says she doesn't have the energy she used to to respond to people's needs

Change 'she' to I

@TiredYorkshireMam Yes, must say I agree....it didn't sit at all well with me. I guess as she's going through IVF on her own, she doesn't want to feel alone. But it's just too much to do it this way, and feeds in to her seeming self-absorbed...I get why she did it, as it's a massive thing to go through, but really made me feel weird when she did it and called it that 😬

Yes, I understand. I know somebody who is a bit like that as well. She is very childish and she is very self obsessed. She has belittled every milestone or whatever I have achieved in my life / career, but then when she does it it's a massive big deal and she expects the whole fanfare.

If I were you I would just pull back. No need to say anything. Just send the occasional "great" or thumbs up. Be polite but not overly invested. Don't waste your energy on her.

Is your friend like this with her other friends? I know that my friend is the same with her other friends because we have a mutual friend who says the same things about her. Not much comfort but at least you know it's her personality rather than a personal disregard for you as an individual.

I think if you've brought it up with her and she's reacted with excuses then you have your answer. It won't change and your choice us to continue chasing her which will affect your self esteem or let her go.

I ended a very long friendship recently because it had become very one sided ie if I didn't invite, host her for the weekend or travel a long distance for a lunch I never saw her. I tried to even it up and she made it clear she wasn't budging, the excuses were completely ridiculous!

Sometimes we hang in there because of history but friendships change, a bit like the end of marriage. It's upsetting and disappointing but being treated as someone's taken for granted option is worse. Now I look back and wonder why I put up with it as I didn't really enjoy her company anymore. It was a habit.

@Dacquoise I think what I've realised too is that I spent decades bigging her up, telling her she's great, fantastic, doing so well, etc. Now I'm not saying this and shouting about how wonderful it is she's having a child on her own, etc, it's not going well. I'm only not doing so masses because of how I feel let down, and a bit shit about the friendship. I've just reached the end of my tether with it all being about her. For now I need to step back, but it's unfortunate that this is just when she's started IVF, as now I'll be the shit friend who didn't support her through this :(

No you won't. You'll be the person who wised up to being exploited by your 'friend'. I wouldn't worry about what anyone else thinks, they're not on the receiving end of her behaviour.

I ended my friendship by a carefully worded letter as I wanted to be clear that it was one-sided and why, it wasn't aggressive, just factual.

If you want to bow out without any drama the suggestions for slow fade are good. She will probably disappear anyway if you don't chase.

Yes mine has fizzled out. I def agree things are habit. Then I didnt want a fall out. She hasnt been in touch

You'd be on the end of her IVF woes, then will be asked to look after dog or baby at the drop of a hat ... for years, with no reciprocation if you had your own problems. I think Covid has thrown a light on a lot of friendships.

I've just fallen out with a friend, who was so overpowering and controlling. As with you, all conversations were about her. I feel relieved she's out of my life, so I can concentrate of me now.