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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Meeting up with ex

44 replies

nc091273 · 18/08/2022 05:44

Meeting up with an ex of mine soon. We both know what the situation is. I’m only going for some fun and then I’m leaving.

This man broke my heart ultimately so I don’t feel compelled to sleep over. I want to leave after we’ve done the deed.

Does that sound really cold-hearted? My friends are saying that I have to leave, for my own sense of self-respect and dignity.

What do you think? Should I sleep over or should I leave after we’re done?

OP posts:
category12 · 18/08/2022 05:54

If you're the one who was broken-hearted, are you sure this is a good idea at all for your own sake?

If it's some kind of "revenge" sex thing you're planning, I wouldn't count on it being you coming away from it feeling good.

I'm sure you could have casual sex with someone else without this emotional baggage.

New2TheMNet · 18/08/2022 06:00

Do whatever you feel is right for you. Just be careful as the fact you're even questioning this means your still trying to protect yourself and might still have feelings for him. Those feelings maybe awoken or effected if you decide to be intimate with this guy.

Questions may wish to ask yourself and this is without knowing the full story but...
Does he deserve to sleep with you?
Think of the reasons why you want to sleep with him (there are other ways to get your kicks}?
If one of your close friends was in your shoes what advice would you give them?

Aprilx · 18/08/2022 06:26

Cold hearted is not what springs to mind, no. On the contrary, it sounds like you could be opening up old wounds for yourself.

Ravenclawdropout · 18/08/2022 06:48

Why ate you doing this? This sounds like a very bad decision on your part. Why on earth are you going back for more punishment? You need to go NC and look for another man.

Robin233 · 18/08/2022 06:50

Don't do it.
I was in this position many years ago.
Totally in love / thought we'd get back together.
We didn't.
Went on for almost a year.
Heartbroken and used barely cover it.
Take some time out and practice some self love and appreciation.
Prepare yourself so when your next relationship appears you are whole and able to embrace it from a place of strength and security.

ItWasJustifiedHeWasACunt · 18/08/2022 06:51

You are kidding yourself

GreyCarpet · 18/08/2022 06:53

I agree that cold hearted isn't what springs to my mind either.

Foolish is one word. Degrading is another.

Why would you give up your body to be used by someone who broke your heart?

And I'm not at all averse to a bit of casual, no strings sex. But with someone who broke my heart? Not a chance.

If you're determined to go through with it, there's no way I'd stay over.

Your friends are bonkers and I'm guessing you're all quite young because my friends would be asking each other where our self respect was in this situation.

Almostthere1 · 18/08/2022 07:00

Don’t do it, it’ll break your heart again. Look forward, move forward. Leave the past in the past.

Christmasiscominghohoho · 18/08/2022 07:01

I don’t think you should be meeting him at all.

PeppaPigIsAnnoying · 18/08/2022 07:11

There is other men out there you know

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 18/08/2022 07:22

Are you hoping his feelings will change because I seriously doubt they will. And to be honest, if you do go he'll probably want you out straight after any way. This is not a good move

startfresh · 18/08/2022 07:23

Imagine planning to stay then he asks you to leave, that would be embarrassing and hurtful. Safer to plan to leave.

WooNoodle · 18/08/2022 07:32

This man broke my heart ultimately so I don’t feel compelled to sleep over. I want to leave after we’ve done the deed.

He might not want you to sleep over. This doesn't sound like a good idea to me.

lifeissweet · 18/08/2022 07:45

Why would you do this? There is nothing good to be said for it. You have feelings which will rekindle and you'll be hurt again. You are not dispassionately using him for your own ends here. You're letting him use you. That's not healthy. You are not going exorcise your heartbreak this way.

I think you're trying to take the power back in some way, but you are not the one with the power here.

Please don't do this.

GreyCarpet · 18/08/2022 07:52

lifeissweet · 18/08/2022 07:45

Why would you do this? There is nothing good to be said for it. You have feelings which will rekindle and you'll be hurt again. You are not dispassionately using him for your own ends here. You're letting him use you. That's not healthy. You are not going exorcise your heartbreak this way.

I think you're trying to take the power back in some way, but you are not the one with the power here.

Please don't do this.

Absolutely this.

I hope there is a little voice in the back of your head, OP, that suspects its a bad idea and you were just hoping to gauge how closely you should listen to it by the responses on here.

Sometimes, our friends don't always give us the best advice. They try to he nice. They want to see you happy. They don't want to tell you what you're doing is a bad idea. They tell you what they think you want to hear and say other things to each other privately. They get caught up in it all amd you end up encouraging each other to do things that aren't very wise... For all of these reasons, friends can't always be trusted to speak in your best interests. Sadly.

Dery · 18/08/2022 08:00

Agree with PP - you shouldn’t be doing this at all - the guy broke your heart: I don’t imagine for a second, you will walk away from this unscathed. Your friends should be trying to talk you out of this. Casual sex can be great but this won’t be casual. Or - it will be for him but not you. Don’t go there, OP.

Isittrueornot · 18/08/2022 08:02

He will break your heart again. But your an adult and the choice is yours, if you go through with it definitely leave.

Why are you worried about coming across cold hearted? Does it matter if you hurt him or are cold hearted towards him? If not, then why? He had no problem being that way to you.

forgotoldusername · 18/08/2022 08:59

Oh my goodness! I've read the relationship board for years and this is one of the worst ideas I've heard in a very long time.

Please please DO NOT do this. You want revenge? Sorry for the cliche but revenge is living a happy life.

And if the secret hope is to get back to him, don't do it. He doesn't want that.

I hope the mumsnet consensus convinces you not to do it

anglesee · 18/08/2022 13:16

No. No and no

Do not sleep with somebody who previously broke your heart

YukoandHiro · 18/08/2022 13:17

This sounds like a really daft decision for you tbh. Just move on and find someone who actually respects you and meets your needs.

Electriq · 18/08/2022 18:53

I wouldn't be going at all.

WatermelonSugar95 · 18/08/2022 19:00

I did this and while I was at his house I found lots of female belongings from his conquests. Left me feeling utterly shit- do not do it

Original poster
nc091273 · 19/08/2022 06:27

Thank you for all the replies.

It has made me stop and think, in fact.

But not for the reason you may think. I have zero feelings for this man. The plan is not for me to go to his house, no way! The plan was to meet at a hotel, get what I came for and leave.

To the pp who asked why I care if I come across cold-hearted, that’s an excellent question. I’m not sure I would say I care, as such. More that I don’t feel it’s excusable to be an arsehole to somebody, just because they broke your heart 10 years ago.

Yes. It was 10 whole years ago. I’m not going for revenge. I’m going for exactly what I said in my OP.

So I’m not concerned in that respect.

What I am now concerned about is what pp’s have said about having enough self respect to shut this down, cancel and not degrade myself just for a momentary moment of satisfaction.

Definitely something to think about.

Thanks everyone

OP posts:
TreacsPotNoodle · 19/08/2022 06:46

Why would you want to sleep with a man who broke your heart? I can't think of a bigger turn off, yuk.

I think you're kidding yourself that you don't care anymore and that you're "in control" or maybe hoping you'll get back together but it's clear he's using you and you're allowing it to happen.

I'd cancel and walk away with your head held high.

fufflecake · 19/08/2022 06:47

There are other people to have sex with

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