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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help Is anyone awake?

33 replies

05wg · 18/08/2022 04:50

Hi All

Is anyone awake? I really need some hugs right now

Please see my original thread - Husband & Communication www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4612008-husband-communication

I've given him space and last night I asked him to talk calmly and he said it won't end well

After walking off and composing myself

He said he doesn't know what he wants, he's not happy at the moment. He can't let the events of Sunday go and he doesn't know why. He said I always put others in the family before him and our daughter. I don't agree at all, my daughter is my priority. He got annoyed at my dad for moaning about my grandfather and then started crying because his grandfather isn't here to see our daughter grow up.

I asked what I'm doing wrong and he couldn't give me an answer and I asked what I can do to help and he said he didn't know, he just wants space.

So I'm now in limbo as to whether this is the end of my marriage? I don't want it to be, I love him dearly and I want to help fix it what seems to have blown hugely out of proportion

I've had like an hours sleep and I've got to go to work shortly.

OP posts:
danny735 · 18/08/2022 04:56

I'm here to offer a hand hold and support OP.

My advice is to focus on yourself. You can't change his behaviour or make him more supportive. It is very possible that you could be better off without him.

You need to build up your own strength and independence. Increase your self care and focus on you, your daughter and the things you can control.

Sending lots of best wishes.

Original poster
05wg · 18/08/2022 05:01

I want to respect his space and focus on myself like you suggest but last week we were talking about baby number 2. It's such a contrast of emotions. I also don't want to give him too much space if that makes any sense.

OP posts:
ReeseWitherfork · 18/08/2022 05:12

Hi OP, haven’t read the full thread, just your OP. But you definitely need to be sensible here and make sure there is no baby no 2 until this resolves itself. (I’m hoping you know that?)
What do you think will happen if you give him too much space?
Also… I don’t think there’s anything wrong with calling in sick if you’ve not slept all night. I hate people calling in sick willynilly but you won’t be able to focus today anyway.

FTstepmum · 18/08/2022 05:18

I'm sorry you're going through this. I was once married to a man who used the silent treatment and reneged on agreements when he felt he hadn't been put at the centre of every decision or event.

I know it's an easy label to give these days, but he sounds like a classic narcissist manchild.

You definitely need a hand hold. It's terribly lonely where you are right now - I've been there and it's deeply, deeply upsetting.

You know that something is wrong, hence your two posts.

Can I tell you two absolute truths about your partner? They will sting, but that is because they are true.

  • There is no pleasing such a man.
  • You are being abused and manipulated - it's insidious and only gets worse.

And two absolute truths about you:

  • You know that something is deeply wrong - listen to your instinct.
  • It's abundantly clear you are a caring and loving person - you deserve the same in return.

I'm praying for you right now. Trust your instinct, prioritise yours and your daughters emotional safety. Xxx

Original poster
05wg · 18/08/2022 05:20

I agree about baby number 2 don't worry. I just mean it doesn't correlate with these comments against those in a matter of days. It seems the events of Sunday have blown well out of proportion.

He was with a colleague yesterday who is going through a divorce.

He's stubborn so I am scared it could go the wrong way rather than trying to give things another shot.

I don't want to call in sick, I love my job I just question my functionality today and I certainly can't be in the house with him here when he wants space.

OP posts:
Nugg · 18/08/2022 05:23

My ex husband was like this. Once our children came along I used to literally force him to talk a little by practically cornering him and insisting he at least explained what the issue was and why it had angered or upset him.

But it was exhausting- emotionally and physically. And it impacted on our children more and more.

He actually reverted and got worse as they got older and in the end is decided I had had enough - hence exH.

I'm afraid him saying he doesn't know what he wants after a toddler having a tired day at a family occasion is a huge red flag to me.

What else is behind this?

Original poster
05wg · 18/08/2022 05:23

FTstepmum · 18/08/2022 05:18

I'm sorry you're going through this. I was once married to a man who used the silent treatment and reneged on agreements when he felt he hadn't been put at the centre of every decision or event.

I know it's an easy label to give these days, but he sounds like a classic narcissist manchild.

You definitely need a hand hold. It's terribly lonely where you are right now - I've been there and it's deeply, deeply upsetting.

You know that something is wrong, hence your two posts.

Can I tell you two absolute truths about your partner? They will sting, but that is because they are true.

  • There is no pleasing such a man.
  • You are being abused and manipulated - it's insidious and only gets worse.

And two absolute truths about you:

  • You know that something is deeply wrong - listen to your instinct.
  • It's abundantly clear you are a caring and loving person - you deserve the same in return.

I'm praying for you right now. Trust your instinct, prioritise yours and your daughters emotional safety. Xxx

Thank you @FTstepmum

It's an extremely hard pill to swallow.

OP posts:
Original poster
05wg · 18/08/2022 05:26

Nugg · 18/08/2022 05:23

My ex husband was like this. Once our children came along I used to literally force him to talk a little by practically cornering him and insisting he at least explained what the issue was and why it had angered or upset him.

But it was exhausting- emotionally and physically. And it impacted on our children more and more.

He actually reverted and got worse as they got older and in the end is decided I had had enough - hence exH.

I'm afraid him saying he doesn't know what he wants after a toddler having a tired day at a family occasion is a huge red flag to me.

What else is behind this?

He got upset that is grandfather is no longer here, it's the anniversary of his death soon.

He was with a colleague yesterday who is going through divorce.

He said it's not work stress (usually it is) but I do question that because he's been saying to everyone for weeks how rough things are

He's travelling more

He doesn't see friends, he turns his laptop on at home on days off to do work and he's always on his phone working.

OP posts:
Billybagpuss · 18/08/2022 05:32

Hand hold here 💐

I wonder if he should go and see a gp it sounds like some form of anxiety or depression that he can’t let go of. But making no excuses for him he should not be taking it out on you.

What are your plans for today? Living like this is not healthy and you need to get out and focus on you and DD. Do not engage with him when he’s being like this. It could be that it would be better for you alone but that’s a hard huge decision however if he refuses to engage or acknowledge the problem you are definitely better alone as it will only get worse.

in the meantime try and do something nice with just you and dd.

Nugg · 18/08/2022 05:33

But not one of those things warrant him taking it out on you or his child as not one of them is anything you could have caused or controlled.

He needs to have that list pointed out to him and be asked outright why he feels treating you and your child as he does, is ok as a result of those external issues.

He could be suffering from depression but if thats the case he needs to deal with that, it's not fair on your if he doesn't

My exh was depressed I'm sure, he had work and personal issues he never dealt with, I was very supportive but his attempts at dealing with it were very short lived.

It sounds completely exhausting- I feel for you.

Original poster
05wg · 18/08/2022 05:36

@Billybagpuss @Nugg

He refuses to go to the gp over being actually being unwell so not a chance with anything MH related

I'm meant to be working today, he's got DD at home today (she's 19m)

OP posts:
sashh · 18/08/2022 05:39

I'm here. I don't have much to say, sorry but I'm here if you need to vent. And I'm normally around early morning if you need to talk another day.

Original poster
05wg · 18/08/2022 05:40

Thank you @sashh

OP posts:
Billybagpuss · 18/08/2022 06:07

So he’ll refuse to get outside help and he wants space.

Is there anywhere he can go for a few days to get some space. If he won’t get help you need to start implementing your own boundaries and that needs to be by refusing to interact with him when he’s behaving like this. But most of all accept it’s not your fault, you are not causing this.

Original poster
05wg · 18/08/2022 06:12

@Billybagpuss to be honest, he has responsibilities and he needs to rise to them like his daughter rather than looking to run away

I'm working the next 6 days so I'll be out of his hair the majority of the time I leave at 9.10 and don't get home til gone 6. He's only working 3 of those 6 days so he will have space in the house without me there for 3 full days.

I don't really see why it needs to go on that long though.

OP posts:
category12 · 18/08/2022 06:15

Seems like he's making up drama to get you to fall back in line, after having the audacity to stand up to him, when he was behaving like a dick. How very dare you.

@FTstepmum is right.

Billybagpuss · 18/08/2022 06:52

05wg · 18/08/2022 06:12

@Billybagpuss to be honest, he has responsibilities and he needs to rise to them like his daughter rather than looking to run away

I'm working the next 6 days so I'll be out of his hair the majority of the time I leave at 9.10 and don't get home til gone 6. He's only working 3 of those 6 days so he will have space in the house without me there for 3 full days.

I don't really see why it needs to go on that long though.

I do agree with you, but it sounds like for whatever reason he’s being a complete arse and you can’t make him rise to his responsibilities but you can change how you react to him and if he’s going to absolve himself from any responsibility then have him do it where it has the least impact on you.

there was a long running thread on here a while ago www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking
you might find it useful.

I do hope everything works out for you both 💐

Beelezebub · 18/08/2022 07:11

category12 · 18/08/2022 06:15

Seems like he's making up drama to get you to fall back in line, after having the audacity to stand up to him, when he was behaving like a dick. How very dare you.

@FTstepmum is right.

I agree with this and caution you not to fall back into line.

Set a boundary and stick to it. He’s the one with the problem - the onus is on him to to articulate what that problem is within a reasonable timeframe and then have a reasonable conversation about how to tackle it (n.b. that should be how he tackles it and what support he needs from you). Otherwise, you’ll instigate a different conversation.

That’s if you want to stay with him of course.

Otherwise, make a plan and show him the door.

Debsdonein · 18/08/2022 07:26

He should be giving you space for being an arse. Turn this round and tell him what you need from the relationship and if he doesn't sort himself out you will want permanent space.

magaluf1999 · 18/08/2022 07:41

You sure there isn't someone else such as this friend going through a divorce and hes just picked a batshit reason to end it over so he doesnt have to admit an affair?

jammiewhammie65 · 18/08/2022 07:48

I would be very surprised if there's not someone else on the scene. Sounds like the script. Sorry but I'd be checking his phone for sure

UserError012345 · 18/08/2022 07:53

All I can say is you will get through this. It might feel like the world is ending but it really isn't.

When my EX left me for someone else I really thought there couldn't be anything worse. I couldn't sleep, eat, threw up, panic attacks etc etc. But it all turned out ok.

Life does goes on. I promise.

You can, you will, you must triumph.

YoSofi · 18/08/2022 07:58

You cannot fix this relationship on your own.

You know his behaviour is unacceptable, you have tried to speak to him calmly, he’s disregarded what you said and now when you raised it again he wants to leave and you’re jumping through hoops trying to get him to stay, past behaviour forgotten? Convenient hey?

And the holiday with your parents? That’s disgusting behaviour.

Would you like your daughter to end up with a man like him?

Original poster
05wg · 18/08/2022 08:03

Thanks all, that link to that old thread has been quite insightful, can't read it all at the moment but I definitely think it's going to help me.

I don't think he'd have an affair no, he doesn't have the time to, lol. He doesn't have much time for his friends, he prioritises work and he's always in work or at home. I do think he could have confided in one colleague who is going through a divorce and possibly put other thoughts in his mind from that respect like divorce isn't so bad etc. on the other hand, he won't tell his colleagues the whole story as they'd tell him that he's punching and to not be so stupid.

Since he's had his promotion he does try to throw money at everything and boats about how much disposable income he has a month, so I feel like he might feel a tad invincible at the moment.

OP posts:
jammiewhammie65 · 18/08/2022 08:09

05wg · 18/08/2022 08:03

Thanks all, that link to that old thread has been quite insightful, can't read it all at the moment but I definitely think it's going to help me.

I don't think he'd have an affair no, he doesn't have the time to, lol. He doesn't have much time for his friends, he prioritises work and he's always in work or at home. I do think he could have confided in one colleague who is going through a divorce and possibly put other thoughts in his mind from that respect like divorce isn't so bad etc. on the other hand, he won't tell his colleagues the whole story as they'd tell him that he's punching and to not be so stupid.

Since he's had his promotion he does try to throw money at everything and boats about how much disposable income he has a month, so I feel like he might feel a tad invincible at the moment.

Didn't you say he travels a lot for work ? I think you would be daft not to check his phone. Or ask to see it. His reaction will tell you

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