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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Pregnant and said this to dp

26 replies

uesfy · 17/08/2022 20:00

He was leaving work and going to the gym. I asked him not to as I was feeling really bad emotionally, very upset and wanted to see him. I was panicking about everything. When he said he wouldn’t come back I said I felt like I might kill myself and how could he do this. He still refused but then did eventually come over an hour later after skipping the gym.

ive learned today that he told his friends about this and was saying I was terrible for saying it and a psycho. I feel so upset as at the time I did feel out or control and worried about what I might do but I also know to everyone else it looks so attention seeking. I am never usually like that. His friends probably hate me now too

OP posts:

Original poster

uesfy · 17/08/2022 20:00

*out of

OP posts:

EarringsandLipstick · 17/08/2022 20:03

Forget about his friends.

If you are experiencing mental health difficulties to the extent you are threatening to kill your self, you need urgent support - and certainly need to contact your midwife / GP.

It sounds as if you were distressed and mentioned harming yourself as way to persuade him to skip the gym? That's not a healthy or fair thing to do.

It sounds like your relationship is not very stable - are you living together? How committed are you both?

Focus on getting the help you need for yourself first of all.

HippeePrincess · 17/08/2022 20:06

I don’t blame him it sounds very manipulative, my mother and my ex used to use this technique with me.

Pinkflipflop85 · 17/08/2022 20:07

What you did was very manipulative.

YukoandHiro · 17/08/2022 20:08

Did you feel this genuinely or say it to provoke a reaction? If the former please remember the mental health crisis in pregnancy can be common - you really need to get in touch with your midwifery team urgently, tell them how you feel and ask for support.
Please reach out. Your mental health matters as much as your physical health for you and the baby right now

JulesCobb · 17/08/2022 20:10

Do you live together? It doesnt sound like you do in the op.

you need to contact your midwife and tell her how you are feeling since you are feeling suicidal.

yonce · 17/08/2022 20:12

Did you say it because you genuinely 100% were in a place when you might have caused yourself harm? Or did you say it knowing it would mean he would come to you? Hard to tell from your OP and honestly it all depends on that

WTF475878237NC · 17/08/2022 20:13

Have you contacted your GP/ midwife/ mental health crisis team? If not then I think you must because it isn't ok to put this on a partner.

I appreciate you don't feel well because mentally healthy people don't threaten their partners with come home or else. But you need to get help now to ensure you are a fit mother for one.

Original poster

uesfy · 17/08/2022 20:13

I definitely felt I was spiralling and felt scared. I just needed him as I was worried I was getting worse. I don’t have form for this but now can’t stop thinking about how awful it looks because it does

OP posts:

SultanOfSwing · 17/08/2022 20:14

It was wrong of your DP to say this to his friends - if that is what he said. But of course it will have been very concerning and upsetting for him.

Antenatal depression is very real and not nearly mentioned enough. If you are feeling so anxious and out of control that you cannot wait an hour or two while your DP has a workout, then you must confide in your midwife and/or contact your GP. There will be help available.

Flittingaboutagain · 17/08/2022 20:14

You didn't need him. The only time we need someone else is when we're dependent children. You need a mental health professional. Get well soon.

waltershite22 · 17/08/2022 20:15

You need to see your GP asap.

You should never threaten suicide to get someone to do what you want.

Please get help with your mental health. This kind of thing can really ruin a relationship.

N27 · 17/08/2022 20:15

to feel in a dark place and worried that you might harm yourself is one thing… but to say “how could you do this” and place the blame for that on the other person is out of order

Krabappel · 17/08/2022 20:23

If you felt he wasn't listening (honestly, can't fully blame him, your phrasing sounds off), you should've called another family member. If you were at risk of harm ('out of control, worried about what you might do'), that's what you should do, or 999.

He is out of order if you were in genuine distress and he's bitching about you. That's very shitty.

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 17/08/2022 20:23

Flittingaboutagain · 17/08/2022 20:14

You didn't need him. The only time we need someone else is when we're dependent children. You need a mental health professional. Get well soon.

What rubbish. Needing someone happens many times as an adult. As you said, the OP needed medical attention, that is needing someone.

EarringsandLipstick · 17/08/2022 20:31

uesfy · 17/08/2022 20:13

There's a big gulf between spiralling & being in distress, and threatening to Jill yourself.

Firstly, when did this happen? Are you getting help now?

Secondly, regardless of you being sincere or not, he should have prioritised your well-being & checked in on you.

You two don't sound compatible & you need proper help.

OldFan · 17/08/2022 20:36

I just needed him as I was worried I was getting worse

He could never really help you @uesfy , only a professional can give you the best possible help for your mental health. Tell any professionals involved in your care how you're feeling.

OldFan · 17/08/2022 20:37

Your mental health issues are having a negative impact on your relationship, so you need to get help from professionals. If you've been in the past, go back so they can try something else.

Gazelda · 17/08/2022 20:39

How are you feeling today OP?

Have you spoken to a HCP?

Do you live with DP?

How did you find out that he'd told his friends?

surreygirl1987 · 17/08/2022 20:47

If you didn't mean it, that was very controlling. But either way, you need help. Threatening suicide, whether you intended to go through with it or not, is not normal and not okay.

As for your partner telling his friends... can you imagine someone telling you they might kill themselves? Maybe he needs support too...

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 17/08/2022 20:50

It's totally normal & ok to feel you need someone, especially the man who is supposed to love & care about you, whose baby you're having. Don't pay attention to the nasty posts.

However, you definitely also need some professional help. Pregnancy can really mess your hormones & MH up. It's a Big deal growing a whole new human.

What friends/family support do you have?

What age are you both? He sounds incredibly immature, telling his mates.

the feeling of spiralling is scary, you need to find some ways to help yourself so you can cut it off. After my Dad died I started feeling like this, but I found it really helped to stand outside and breath deeply. It helps me feel calmer.

take care of yourself x

DaddyPiglet · 17/08/2022 21:12

I can't imagine why he wouldn't come straight back. Is there more to this story..? Why was his first thought 'psycho' and not overly concerned?

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 17/08/2022 21:18

Hmmm... if you feel out of control then see a doctor.
What would your partner's presence do to alter your out of control feeling?
Saying that you'll kill yourself is highly controlling language.
Maybe book a long appointment with your GP?

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/08/2022 21:19

What you said was very manipulative. If he’d done it to you everyone would say you were being abusive and controlling and urge you to lean on your friends for support. Antenatal depression is a thing but being pregnant doesn’t mean you get to treat people like this.

If you’re unwell you need to ask for professional help and engage with the services in place.

He’s either shocked and upset or angry because he knows you were trying to manipulate him. Given he didn’t rush back it sounds like option 2 and if you keep pulling stuff like this he’ll leave you.

How pregnant are you?
Do you live together?
How old are you?
What other support do you have?

Flittingaboutagain · 17/08/2022 21:24

What would your partner's presence do to alter your out of control feeling?

^ you put it better than me!

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