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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH being a prick or me oversensitive

73 replies

Drainedandconfused8 · 17/08/2022 17:35

Name changed but I'm a regular. Away with DH and kids. DH is uptight anyway and quite snappy.

We were out for lunch and he had already snapped at me a few times. I suggested we went back to the hotel after lunch and both himself and DD snapped back at me. I said 'it's only a suggestion, the two of you are like barking dogs snapping at me'. He replied 'yeah and you are the mutt' (in front of the kids, who were shocked). He apologised a few mins later and said it was due the heat but he always blames something.

He then expects me to carry on like nothing has happened. I feel drained from him.

OP posts:
crystalize · 18/08/2022 07:02

Agree with Ladybug. Next time he is rude, just walk away preferably for a few hours and don't answer the phone. The kids will be fine, they too need to learn you will not accept disrespectful behaviour. You need to get angry OP.

When you're home seriously consider if you want this prick in your life.

orbitalcrisis · 18/08/2022 07:16

I would tell him that saying sorry isn't enough, he can show he is genuinely sorry by not doing it anymore.

Tangelablue · 18/08/2022 07:30

Sounds like the kids see his behaviour as acceptable and that's why they are copying him. I agree with other posters that you need to walk away every time.
His good qualities sound like they would make him easy to coparent with if you decide not to put up with his crap anymore. From your posts it seems that you put up with regular insults and put downs which he does not take responsibility for. Do you walk on egg shells?

LearnedAxolotl · 18/08/2022 07:33

Its emotional abuse. And hes teaching your child to abuse you too.

endofline · 18/08/2022 07:33

I recognize this behavior OP.
The ‘Sorry, but..’ behavior.
Because (in his mind) there is always a reason for his bad behavior, he is never responsible for his behavior. Because he is never responsible he feels no shame or guilt. Because he is never responsible he does not need to learn or change, so he never will. Because he feels no guilt or shame he can carry on like nothing has happened, because in his worldview, nothing has (in that, nothing has happened with him, he has no focus or regard for what has happened with you, so that won’t affect his feelings about what just happened).

These are not trivial moments.

I am sorry OP. It is draining Flowers

ColadhSamh · 18/08/2022 07:38

Your daughter is now behaving like your husband towards you. Listen to the advice you have been given. Take action now before it's too late.

Treacletoots · 18/08/2022 07:39

What @endofline said. Perfectly sums it up.

I had one like this OP. It was always me being over sensitive or taking his insults the wrong way.

He's incapable of change because he doesn't ever accept he's in the wrong.

I divorced mine over 10 years ago. It was the beat decision of my life.

BlueSuffragette · 18/08/2022 07:44

Tell him it's too easy to just say sorry. It's just a word. He shows you he's sorry by changing his behaviour. It seems he struggles to do this, showing he's not really sorry at all. He won't talk to his boss in such a disrespectful way. You're just an easy target. Show your children this is not acceptable behaviour in a respectful relationship. Hurtful actions have consequences. Time to re-evaluate how you respond otherwise it will never change.

picklemewalnuts · 18/08/2022 07:47

Prepare a little speech, ready for next time.

Stand up, say, 'that's not an acceptable way to speak to your wife and mother. I'm going for a walk and will see you at dinner, expecting an apology.'

They may not like it, but they aren't supposed to. It's a punishment/consequence for their bad behaviour.

At the moment they can speak like that and you just accept it.

bloodyunicorns · 18/08/2022 08:01

It's time both your dh and dc learned not to speak to you like that. Go out for the afternoon. If they realise they miss you and want you there, they will be nicer to you.

Nip this in the bud now.

dizzydizzydizzy · 18/08/2022 08:20

Sounds similar to my DP. I finally cracked and mentioned to my GP that I thought his behaviour was affecting my health. I told her more about it and she said it was domestic abuse and she put me in touch with the local Women's Aid group. She also encouraged me to leave the relationship. I haven't done it yet but I am making plans step-by-step.

TwilightSkies · 18/08/2022 08:24

I told him to leave about a year ago and the kids were inconsolable

Doesn’t sound like they are happy with him being there either though. It’s not a healthy or happy relationship.
You need to put your own feelings first for a change, you don’t deserve a life of misery with this man who doesn’t seem to like you very much.

LearnedAxolotl · 18/08/2022 08:34

The reason the kids were inconsolable when you tried to kick him out was probably to do with how they've been witnessing abuse going on. Not because they love him. They've learnt by now that the only way to stay safe is to join in with him, ie you being made the target so they're on "his side". If they're on his side, he's unlikely to turn his snappiness on them. They're learning to tread on eggshells, and placate the abuser. They know that if you kick him out, his moods will be worse. They don't feel safe and that's why they'll cling to what's familiar. They don't know what life feels like outside of the controlling and emotionally abusive dad. You're not doing them any favours staying together for the kids.

In any event, why should you spend the next 10 years being emotionally abused? To save your kids from short term pain for long term gain?

johnd2 · 18/08/2022 08:42

You don't need to justify your feelings to yourself or anyone else.

oversensitive is a word used to gaslight and control people. Don't use it.

It's not your job to fix your children's difficult feelings (at the expense of your long term health), it's to help them through feelings.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/08/2022 08:49

What do you get out of this relationship now?. How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. You have hoped up till now anyway that things will somehow improve and look where that sunk cost has got you.

I would think your kids actually fear and loathe him in equal measure and were upset only because they've too been conditioned like you've been. How long will it be before your son also actively start to copy dad's behaviours towards you if he is not already doing so?. Your daughter is already chiming in with her dad to keep on his side and to not be his further target. They are learning how to tread carefully around dad but he is volatile and remains so. What they are doing also will not keep them safe.

This man emotionally abuses you because he can and he feels entitled to do this. He feels no sorrow, guilt or remorse for his actions; its all sorry but...from him. Such men too hate women, ALL of them.

Get off this merry go around of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse before your kids and you become further damaged by their abusive dad/husband respectively. I would urge you to start to plan your exit from this abusive relationship you are all living under.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is NO legacy to leave them, it really is not.

noclothesinbed · 18/08/2022 08:54

MyHusbandIsaRightTwatButILoveHim · 17/08/2022 18:12

The more you let someone get away with crappy behaviour towards you the more they will do it
With all due respect I think you need to stop making excuses and grow a bit of a backbone
He's quite capable of parenting a 10 & a 12 year old whether they like him or not.
You are quite entitled to take yourself out of the situation to have some breathing space but it's whether you want to stop being a bit of a doormat and assert yourself. Only you know the answer to that one 🤷‍♀️

This. People only treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated. Maybe your children need a bit of a lesson too. See mum stand up to horrible father and take herself off for the day because father is an arsehole. Good lesson learnt that day !!

helplesshopeless · 18/08/2022 09:05

This sounds just like my exh. If I stood up to him and told him not to speak to me like that I'd then be called a battle axe/fishwife/old trout etc etc. We had a conversation about his angry outbursts once and he said I make him so angry that he couldn't help it.

Anyway, I tried to bury my feelings and carry on as normal and it hugely backfired on me. You can't carry on like this Flowers

Brefugee · 18/08/2022 11:23

how are you today OP?
TBH i think you should just do something by yourself for a few hours, leave the DCs with their dad and if they whine and moan at him? that's his look-out. It already sounds as though your DD is picking up his way of talking to you so you really need to put a stop to it.
Every time he does this - step away. Physically remove yourself from his, and their presence. It will give him food for thought.
When you get back from holiday you need to have a good long think what you want out of this relationship, and if he can give it to you.

billy1966 · 18/08/2022 13:42

LearnedAxolotl · 18/08/2022 08:34

The reason the kids were inconsolable when you tried to kick him out was probably to do with how they've been witnessing abuse going on. Not because they love him. They've learnt by now that the only way to stay safe is to join in with him, ie you being made the target so they're on "his side". If they're on his side, he's unlikely to turn his snappiness on them. They're learning to tread on eggshells, and placate the abuser. They know that if you kick him out, his moods will be worse. They don't feel safe and that's why they'll cling to what's familiar. They don't know what life feels like outside of the controlling and emotionally abusive dad. You're not doing them any favours staying together for the kids.

In any event, why should you spend the next 10 years being emotionally abused? To save your kids from short term pain for long term gain?

Absolutely this.

Your children are already damaged, hence the huge upset.

Your husband has taught them, through his treatment of you, that the world isn't a safe place for them.

Help yourself and you will help them.

Original poster
Drainedandconfused8 · 18/08/2022 17:34

Shoxfordian · 17/08/2022 18:42

It sounds like you shouldn’t have let him come back when you told him to leave- this disrespect is how he thinks of you op; it’s literally what he thinks you are

Yes. And it's said with such venom as well

OP posts:
Original poster
Drainedandconfused8 · 18/08/2022 17:36

Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2022 18:42

Sorry, op, your children need to see that you're upset and that you're not going to stand for this abuse anymore. Your children are already acting like their father to you.

You need to make some massive, massive changes. For your sake and your children's. This is tarnishing their whole life.

Yes. You are quite correct. My DS told me to shut up this afternoon. We usually get on well but he is very disrespectful to his Dad

OP posts:
MyHusbandIsaRightTwatButILoveHim · 18/08/2022 19:13

If your DS has told you to shut up then he's also being disrespectful to you!
It seems that you're literally just shrugging your shoulders and accepting people's awful behaviour to you

MyHusbandIsaRightTwatButILoveHim · 18/08/2022 19:15

If you don't like something/a situation you have the power to change it
Assert yourself and you'll find that their behaviour towards you will quickly change

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