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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH being a prick or me oversensitive

73 replies

Drainedandconfused8 · 17/08/2022 17:35

Name changed but I'm a regular. Away with DH and kids. DH is uptight anyway and quite snappy.

We were out for lunch and he had already snapped at me a few times. I suggested we went back to the hotel after lunch and both himself and DD snapped back at me. I said 'it's only a suggestion, the two of you are like barking dogs snapping at me'. He replied 'yeah and you are the mutt' (in front of the kids, who were shocked). He apologised a few mins later and said it was due the heat but he always blames something.

He then expects me to carry on like nothing has happened. I feel drained from him.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 17/08/2022 18:33

'Oversensitive'?

Who decides how sensitive you should be? Who is the authority on what level your feelings should be at?

Original poster
Drainedandconfused8 · 17/08/2022 18:34

ThatshallotBaby · 17/08/2022 17:59

Tell him that you don’t want to be spoken to like that. It’s not ok for your dc to hear him, and it’s certainly not ok for you.
What do you want to do if he doesn’t stop? What are his good points?

His good points are he is loyal and a good provider. Helps a good bit around the house

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 17/08/2022 18:34

How is he loyal if he's calling you a mutt?!

Original poster
Drainedandconfused8 · 17/08/2022 18:35

N27 · 17/08/2022 18:00

do you want your kids to see you accepting behaviour like that?

do you want your kids to accept behaviour like that from their partners when they’re older?

or do you want to show them that it’s healthy to respect yourself and choose how you wish to react to people who treat you like that.

No I don't want the kids thinking it's okay. I told him to leave about a year ago and the kids were inconsolable

OP posts:
MyHusbandIsaRightTwatButILoveHim · 17/08/2022 18:35

'Loyal'...he's sounding a bit like a dog now tbh

Mulhollandmagoo · 17/08/2022 18:35

Your kids will be fine for one afternoon, they will also see that you will not tolerate disrespect! Don't martyr yourself for the sake of everyone else's feelings when they think it's ok to snap and shout at you and call you names!

MyHusbandIsaRightTwatButILoveHim · 17/08/2022 18:37

If you've already told him to leave once that's telling you something isn't it?

Original poster
Drainedandconfused8 · 17/08/2022 18:37

Watchkeys · 17/08/2022 18:33

'Oversensitive'?

Who decides how sensitive you should be? Who is the authority on what level your feelings should be at?

I was wondering if I was being over sensitive myself

OP posts:
Vapeyvapevape · 17/08/2022 18:37

Drainedandconfused8 · 17/08/2022 17:41

Yeah I have told him it's upsetting and he'll say sorry but give a range of reasons as to why he said it

Show quote history

Giving a range of reasons as to why he's been vile to you, isn't someone that's sorry.

Original poster
Drainedandconfused8 · 17/08/2022 18:38

Watchkeys · 17/08/2022 18:34

How is he loyal if he's calling you a mutt?!

Loyal to friends and family and loyal in the sense he wouldn't stray

OP posts:
hotfroth · 17/08/2022 18:38

Helps a good bit around the house

Helps? So everything domestic is your job and he just 'helps' you?

Oh dear.

Original poster
Drainedandconfused8 · 17/08/2022 18:38

Vapeyvapevape · 17/08/2022 18:37

Giving a range of reasons as to why he's been vile to you, isn't someone that's sorry.

Show quote history

I totally agree with you

OP posts:
MyHusbandIsaRightTwatButILoveHim · 17/08/2022 18:38

No
You definitely wasn't being oversensitive

Watchkeys · 17/08/2022 18:39

Drainedandconfused8 · 17/08/2022 18:37

I was wondering if I was being over sensitive myself

Show quote history

Yes, but who decides whether your sensitivity is too much, or whether it's appropriate?

Shoxfordian · 17/08/2022 18:42

It sounds like you shouldn’t have let him come back when you told him to leave- this disrespect is how he thinks of you op; it’s literally what he thinks you are

Original poster
Drainedandconfused8 · 17/08/2022 18:42

hotfroth · 17/08/2022 18:38

Helps a good bit around the house

Helps? So everything domestic is your job and he just 'helps' you?

Oh dear.

I probably worded that wrong. I meant he does his equal share with housework, kids activities etc

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2022 18:42

Sorry, op, your children need to see that you're upset and that you're not going to stand for this abuse anymore. Your children are already acting like their father to you.

You need to make some massive, massive changes. For your sake and your children's. This is tarnishing their whole life.

Oysterbabe · 17/08/2022 20:23

Sounds like he's a miserable bugger most of the time and now the kids are speaking to you the same way. Don't stand for it.

tootiredtospeak · 17/08/2022 20:43

Urgh mood hover and a nasty mouth too. If you wont leave the kids then take them. You three go off for a few hours and dont be afraid to show them that you will stand up for yourself no one likes to upset their kids but they are learning how to behave in a relationship from you both.

billy1966 · 18/08/2022 02:00

Very nasty.

It was clearly a mistake to allow him return.

Have a serious rethink.

deeperthanallroses · 18/08/2022 02:16

Tell him to leave again, the kids will honestly recover! Much better they realise treating someone like this is a deal breaker than that they grow up hearing this.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 18/08/2022 02:46

If it were just this one incident, I’d say he was rude but you had just compared him to a dog too. Admittedly, what he said was much ruder, but it’s not as if he likened you to a dog out of the blue.

However, that’s all irrelevant, because it’s clearly much more than one incident. I agree with PPs - do you want your DC to have him as a model for marriage and parenthood?

IfIHadAHeart · 18/08/2022 06:28

Whereabouts are you on holiday? Somewhere it would be easy to get some space? I’d not be happy at being spoken to like that, and without a proper apology and change in his demeanour I’d be considering coming home.

Ladybug14 · 18/08/2022 06:35

When he's rude to you you must walk away. For a good period of time (hours) to make the point to yourchildren that its not acceptable to allow someone to be rude.

oobeedoobee · 18/08/2022 06:58

OP, he's a prize prick !

It doesn't matter 'why' he said it, he still thinks it's an ok way to talk to his wife ! In front of his kids !

You NEED to show your kids that it's NOT 'ok' to talk to anyone like that ! Never mind the person he's supposed to love !

The DC may well have been upset at the drama/upheaval last time you told him to leave, but instead of now being on a lovely holiday alone with your kids, where you're all relaxed and having fun, you're on yet another crap trip, with everyone 'snappy' and 'irritable' and NO-ONE bloody 'happy' ! So where has 'staying' got you all ?

Short term upset, for long term happiness (and showing your DC that both you and they,deserve BETTER !)