How do I get over the father of my child?

Isittrueornot · 17/08/2022 16:26

You decide if your happy with the casual sex status quo or decide to move on from him and find someone better for you, him being a dad to your child doesn’t come into it really, as he will still be her dad either way.

If I was you I’d cut him off (not from the child though) and be by yourself or find someone else. But hanging on to him will do you no good as he doesn’t want to be with you.

Whichever way you choose, you’ve got a hard road ahead of you.

brightonbeachbaby88 · 17/08/2022 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Hi all - we're afraid that we don't believe the OP is genuine. We've removed their threads and posts.

RatherBeRiding · 17/08/2022 16:36

You move on by getting angry and realising that he doesn't want you. The comments about not finding you attractive (but still having sex with you despite being in a new relationship with someone else), plus still being hung up on an ex, should tell you that this man is not someone you ought to be pinning your hopes on.

Stop having sex with him for goodness sake! He is using you. He can still be part of your daughter's life but he really doesn't need to be part of yours.

Keep your distance and have absolutely no communication apart from contact arrangements (and maintenance arrangements). It's going to be hard but you really need to regain your self-worth.

FTMChar · 17/08/2022 16:38

No judgement here at all, but maybe some tough love is needed. My dd is a month old and I used to feel the same about her father until I realised what an emotionally abusive narcissist he is. Then the ‘love’ wore off very quickly.
I think you need to pull the focus on to your daughter and what’s best for her. This man clearly does not respect you and does not love you, harsh reality. If he loves her and truly puts his daughter first then by all means he should be part of her life. But you need to come to terms with the fact you will never be a traditional ‘family’ with him. He sounds like he’s just using you for sex when he can’t get it elsewhere. Getting over him starts with having more respect for yourself. He has literally told you he doesn’t find you attractive. Men will literally f*ck anything, so he’s not sending you mixed messages in that department. Stop having sex with him. Stop allowing him around you and stop all communication unless it’s strictly about your baby, I.e arranging visits, maintenance, doing things with/for her. Instead of wasting your time and energy thinking about him, pour that energy and time into your little girl. She deserves the world and a good example of what healthy love looks like. Put the power in your hands! Put your foot down and stop letting him use you as a doormat.

DelphiniumBlue · 17/08/2022 16:38

OK, think about what "in love" means to you.
This guy is actually a nasty bastard, he insults you but still will deign to have sex with you when it suits him. He's not over his ex, is seeing someone else, he sounds just awful. What is there about him to love? What you are feeling is not love, it's something else. Stop telling yourself that you are in love with him, and start reminding yourself of what a lowlife he is and how you deserve someone who respects you. You do not need to humiliate yourself any further, how can you even think of having sex with someone who says they don't find you attractive???
Anyway, the forward is not to see him at your house, or at his. Make sure there is no possibility of sex happeningI, as clearly you find it hard to resist him. If he wants to see the baby you can meet him in a public space. Don't get involved with long conversations with him about how you feel, don't have text conversations. Keep any communication limited to the baby.
Does he pay maintenance by the way?

PayPennies · 17/08/2022 16:44

Jayden is in love with Sophie, who he can’t have, so he shags Lucy regularly, and sometimes fucks Mary who he says is unattractive after hearing his child.

Tell me, OP, why do wish to be Mary? Would you advise your daughter to be Mary?

Sellie555 · 17/08/2022 16:48

I think you’re fantasising about what In your heads it ‘should have been’ rather than the reality of ‘what iit actually is’.

it’s very common in break ups that the actual reason you are so devastated that you have split from a total dickhead is because you focus on what the relationship could have been had he not been a dickhead ie the small glimpses of niceness that he may occasionally show

but his real self isn’t the tiny glimpses of niceness that he may occasionally breadcrumb u with. His real self is a guy who doesn’t actually wanna be with you, is immature, not over his ex (which means he has more feelings for her than you) and making you feel grateful for the sex he gives you cos ‘ no one else would ever go near u looking so grotesque after a baby’ (is what he is trying to say, just so that u think how wonderful he is that he wants to have sex with u)

Ihavekids · 17/08/2022 16:55

You move on by constantly reminding yourself that your daughter is learning from you every day about how relationships work, and thinking about how upset you'd be if she was allowing a man to treat her this way. Because if you teach her that this is the way to be, she's going to repeat all your mistakes later.
You'll get over him. It might be a long tough road, but you will.

Original poster

thr · 17/08/2022 17:12

DelphiniumBlue · 17/08/2022 16:38

OK, think about what "in love" means to you.
This guy is actually a nasty bastard, he insults you but still will deign to have sex with you when it suits him. He's not over his ex, is seeing someone else, he sounds just awful. What is there about him to love? What you are feeling is not love, it's something else. Stop telling yourself that you are in love with him, and start reminding yourself of what a lowlife he is and how you deserve someone who respects you. You do not need to humiliate yourself any further, how can you even think of having sex with someone who says they don't find you attractive???
Anyway, the forward is not to see him at your house, or at his. Make sure there is no possibility of sex happeningI, as clearly you find it hard to resist him. If he wants to see the baby you can meet him in a public space. Don't get involved with long conversations with him about how you feel, don't have text conversations. Keep any communication limited to the baby.
Does he pay maintenance by the way?

I do feel a massive sense of humiliation every day being in this position. I have a cripplingly low self-esteem, I suppose. I'll try no contact apart from regarding dd. He hasn't and doesn't currently pay anything towards her.

OP posts:

Original poster

thr · 17/08/2022 17:17

DelphiniumBlue · 17/08/2022 16:38

OK, think about what "in love" means to you.
This guy is actually a nasty bastard, he insults you but still will deign to have sex with you when it suits him. He's not over his ex, is seeing someone else, he sounds just awful. What is there about him to love? What you are feeling is not love, it's something else. Stop telling yourself that you are in love with him, and start reminding yourself of what a lowlife he is and how you deserve someone who respects you. You do not need to humiliate yourself any further, how can you even think of having sex with someone who says they don't find you attractive???
Anyway, the forward is not to see him at your house, or at his. Make sure there is no possibility of sex happeningI, as clearly you find it hard to resist him. If he wants to see the baby you can meet him in a public space. Don't get involved with long conversations with him about how you feel, don't have text conversations. Keep any communication limited to the baby.
Does he pay maintenance by the way?

Yeah, I guess it's less love and more obsession at this point. Whatever it is is highly unhealthy, but I can't seem to work out how to break free. I've tried organising concrete arrangements r.e. visitation before and he point blank refuses, with his rationale being 'he doesn't want anyone having control over him'. I know what he means is he wants to keep every option open until the very last minute, but if I refuse all contact until he agrees to a set plan rather than it being all on his terms my daughter just won't get to see her dad. Which seems unfair. He hasn't and doesn't pay anything towards her.

OP posts:

MaChienEstUnDick · 17/08/2022 17:22

Get the CSA onto him FGS. If your own self-esteem is that low, then that is your business - but what about your DD?

Taking some form of action will upset the status quo - he's used to you only existing in reference to him - and I think will mean that even the occasional sex stops. Then use the money for counselling and try to work out who taught you that you mean so little.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 17/08/2022 17:26

You realise he's a disgusting human being who said this:

he says he doesn't find me attractive enough post-baby to have regular sex with.

Who TF says that when you've grown and birthed his child? Vile man. Not a good soul.

category12 · 17/08/2022 17:31

Him only seeing your dd on his own terms will hold you hostage (and her) for the rest of her childhood unless you start to have some boundaries now.

You have to think about her, not him. It's no good for her to have a dad who turns up when he feels like it and keeps you both on a string - it'll harm her self-esteem and make her insecure. She's just a baby now, but this kind of inconsistent dad will do her a lot of damage in future, and she may well be better off if he does bugger off never to be seen again.

Start the process to get child support from him.
Give him access times.

If he decides he would rather be out of your lives, that's on him, not you.

Original poster

thr · 17/08/2022 17:32

MaChienEstUnDick · 17/08/2022 17:22

Get the CSA onto him FGS. If your own self-esteem is that low, then that is your business - but what about your DD?

Taking some form of action will upset the status quo - he's used to you only existing in reference to him - and I think will mean that even the occasional sex stops. Then use the money for counselling and try to work out who taught you that you mean so little.

He has told me he'll never pay so I won't be in with a chance anyway. This breaks my heart. I know what example I'm setting for her and it kills me. I cry about it often. I'm not in the best place and if he would pay it would definitely go to therapy.

OP posts:

category12 · 17/08/2022 17:34

If he's an employee, the CMS will be able to take money from him. And if he's not, they can have a go anyway. Don't just give up and let him walk all over you, stop giving him all the power.

Original poster

thr · 17/08/2022 17:36

category12 · 17/08/2022 17:34

If he's an employee, the CMS will be able to take money from him. And if he's not, they can have a go anyway. Don't just give up and let him walk all over you, stop giving him all the power.

He's self-employed, files his own taxes etc. I'm very nervous that anything amicable between us will be completely erased if I start that process. Especially if it doesn't even end in any financial gain. Stop giving him all the power. That's the thing. How do you do that? Cut contact? I can definitely stop sleeping with him, as everyone's suggested.

OP posts:

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 17/08/2022 17:39

Ihavekids · 17/08/2022 16:55

You move on by constantly reminding yourself that your daughter is learning from you every day about how relationships work, and thinking about how upset you'd be if she was allowing a man to treat her this way. Because if you teach her that this is the way to be, she's going to repeat all your mistakes later.
You'll get over him. It might be a long tough road, but you will.

he says he doesn't find me attractive enough post-baby to have regular sex with.

You cannot be serious about loving this vile man. On the other hand DD deserves all the love in the world. She also deserves maintenence from her father, so get the CSS onto him.

But other than that, I don’t think anyone needs a man like that in their life, especially a daughter. Don’t let him troll her the way he trolls you and probably his other women too.

Original poster

thr · 17/08/2022 17:39

category12 · 17/08/2022 17:31

Him only seeing your dd on his own terms will hold you hostage (and her) for the rest of her childhood unless you start to have some boundaries now.

You have to think about her, not him. It's no good for her to have a dad who turns up when he feels like it and keeps you both on a string - it'll harm her self-esteem and make her insecure. She's just a baby now, but this kind of inconsistent dad will do her a lot of damage in future, and she may well be better off if he does bugger off never to be seen again.

Start the process to get child support from him.
Give him access times.

If he decides he would rather be out of your lives, that's on him, not you.

I never had a dad growing up (surprise surprise, look how I turned out), and so I feel extra anxious and concerned that she won't and hopeful that she'll have a different experience to me. I guess the question is is no father better than a flaky one? I don't know the answer.

OP posts:

UserError012345 · 17/08/2022 17:40

I hope you are at least practicing safe sex if he's sleeping with others.

Don't be a doormat.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 17/08/2022 17:42

is no father better than a flaky one?

Maybe not necessarily, but certainly better than this one.

Self-employed people have to pay income tax too. Don’t let him get away with robbing your daughter of the income due to her.

category12 · 17/08/2022 17:43

Personally I believe a "flaky" dad is worse than a completely absent one, because of the repeated breaking of promises, cruelty of hope, constant disappointments and rejections.

Especially when he headfucks the consistent parent into the bargain.

Jets121 · 17/08/2022 17:48

We still have sex. Though, this is less frequent and entirely dependent on him initiating as he says he doesn't find me attractive enough post-baby to have regular sex with

He sounds absolutely AWFUL
He doesn’t respect you.

limit contact for your daughter’s benefit only

Original poster

thr · 17/08/2022 17:57

category12 · 17/08/2022 17:43

Personally I believe a "flaky" dad is worse than a completely absent one, because of the repeated breaking of promises, cruelty of hope, constant disappointments and rejections.