Co-dependent no more questions about living with an alcoholic

[Gotsomepegsdave]

(D)p would never admit he has an alcohol problem even when he’s slurring after he’s so called 1 bottle of cider or I found little cans of tequila in his bag he has an excuse. So ultimatums are pointless as he refuses to acknowledge that his drinking is the problem. According to him I’m the problem and I’m trying to control him and I’ve realised after reading co-dependent no more that I am trying to control and it is pointless. A lot resonated with me but what I’m struggling to get to grips with is how to detach etc how do you not let an alcoholic living in the same house with your children there not affect you? How do you as the book suggest go about your day so things for you when he’s there slurring his words, or no smoking weed during the day when this behaviour is not at all acceptable to you?
He is not the father of my 2 kids btw.
I can see to some degree being able to withdraw if you had a massive house or lots of family to visit and get away but how do you do it if you don’t have anywhere to go and a very small house?
i know the relationship needs to end as unfortunately all I feel for him now is resentment and I’m sick of living my life like this.
we own a house only been here 6 months can’t afford it on my own and can’t afford to buy anything also wouldn’t be able to get help from council as I would be intentionally homeless and as I work full time would be encouraged to privately rent yet even though I could afford to I don’t earn enough in landlords eyes to be able to afford it so I’m really stuck! He won’t move out even though he could stay at his parents house.

I don’t know logistically what to do? How can I be happy living with him?
I can’t drive and live somewhere where you need to drive to get anywhere as public transport is sparse so this makes things like trying to do things with the kids difficult I feel like I’m failing them as we can’t do anything as can’t get anywhere.

has any one else been through this? If I had the financial means I would leave in a heartbeat.

What a nightmare!
No easy or quick fixes, but plan ahead.
First of all, learn to drive as a priority.
If you stayed in the house by yourself, you might be able to claim some sort of top-up benefit - UC?- I don't know the specifics but you can check with Citizens Advice about what you might be entitled to. You could claim as a single person if you are in fact living separately but in the same house.Would you be able to rent out a room ?
If it works out better to sell, you can enforce a sale if he doesn't agree, but obviously that is expensive and takes time. If you move out without selling, then that may well affect your entitlement to any help, but check with CA or Shelter .
Does the children's father make any contribution? If not, make a CM claim.
It may be that if you sit tight, he might move out once he understands that you are serious about ending the relationship.
If he insists on smoking weed around your children, you may have to call the police, that's not something you can allow him to do.
Emotionally, it's a rubbish situation to be in, I'm really sorry.

Would you be eligible for tax credits if he left?

Yes but landlords will not accept “DSS/benefits” even though I work full time. The properties I’ve seen that did say “dss” could appt were shocking!

Children’s dad does contribute and we share custody 60/40 so that side of things is fine.

the kids don’t see him smoking it but I can smell it in the garden and it isn’t appropriate.

I hope he will move out in time and when we get round to selling the house of course he will get back his share.
its just unfortunate that is really isn’t feasible for me to rent privately right now!

we already have a universal credits claim as until recently I was part time so we did get a little bit of help so if I was single I know how much I would get and it would be enough to keep the house on. We already live pretty frugally I don’t drink or smoke or go out so I know how to budget well.
We had had a holiday to Spain booked for next month but I will have to cancel it as will need all the money I have.

good idea re driving lessons I know I need to do this I’ve had a few last year but I need to get back to it.
it might be worth hanging on until I’ve got driving sorted as that will open up a lot of options

Do you have any family who could take you in for a while? I think you need to sell up and find a rental.

Do you work from home, if you can't drive? At least then it doesn't matter too much where exactly you're living.

Could the kids' father take them fulltime while you get yourself sorted? I don't think it's good for the dc to be exposed to an alkie/drug-user in the house.

I don’t have any family I only had my parents and they died a long time ago.

he’s just gone off on a walk with a joint I’ve tried to reason with him that is not acceptable to me for him to be doing that/under the influence whilst kids are here but he cannot or will not see it he thinks it’s perfectly fine. This is insane we have lived together 3 years he is only now doing this.

it’s like he had lost his mind. He turns everything back to me and actually starts making me think that I’m the unreasonable one.

Having him here is crushing me or a horrible atmosphere for the kids as they are not his I guess he doesn’t give a shit about that he had become a horrible selfish person.

I don’t work from home I can walk to work.
I need to stay in this area for school and work.

I don’t want the kids to go and live with their dad their mine. I love them and can care for them!

surely other people have been in this situation what did you do? Did they finally get bored and go?

I'm so sorry for what you are going through

you would benefit from going to al anon meeting, or chatting to someone on the phone www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

I was stuck in a similar situation, so understand how you feel, too me it felt like starring into black hole.

unfortunately he won't change until he hits rock bottom.

DH knew he had a problem but kept pretending he was trying to go sober, basically just lied through his teeth.

I lost it one day, and threw a half drank can of cider at his head, screamed, shouted and blubbering then started packing a bag, like you I had no where to go, I was sobbing this to him as I packed that I was trapped with his problem, and how much I hated him for it. He rang AA there and then, has been Sober since. but if he hadn't I'd have carried on going to al-anon (I'd only been once) to help me to cope and make a plan for leaving.

there is also this thread you may find helpful
www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4581221-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking

how to detach etc how do you not let an alcoholic living in the same house with your children there not affect you?

You may be able to detach to an extent if you keep reading and engage with Alanon
etc. Your children will not. Get them out of there or him out of there as soon as is physically possible.

I don’t want the kids to go and live with their dad their mine. I love them and can care for them!

You are currently unable to care for them adequately, as you cannot get them away from this unstable man. You don’t seem to fully accept the negative impact on them.

You think the addict might get bored and go? You need to be proactive yourself.

I'm sorry, but personally I don't think its possible. You might be able to train yourself to ignore him, but you won't be able to ignore the potential impact of his behaviour when drunk, on your DC and your home.
You will still retain your hyper vigilance as you will worry he will be slurry and weird in front of the children. That he'll make a mess or go to sleep somewhere inappropriate and they will see him.
You won't be able to stop him interacting with you, so will still walk on egg shells trying to keep him calm.
You'll still worry if he goes out in the car or some other risky act as you won't want anything to happen to your DCs father, for their sake. You'll still wait up and watch him.
Truly, I know its not the answer you want, but I really think your only hope of freedom is to get him out of sight and out of mind.

Sorry, I just saw he isn't DC father, so that bit may not apply.

He turns everything back to me and actually starts making me think that I’m the unreasonable one.

This really resonated with me. I got rid of an alcoholic arsehole last year. I started a thread on here and it helped. Have you tried Al-Anon? It helped me. There is an Al-Anon thread on Reddit too (American so big on the God stuff but I ignored those posts). I only went for a few months while I needed the strength to get rid and stay rid.

OP if he won't go by himself then you'll have to get the police or SS involved.

My neighbours called the police when my ex was having a tantrum outside. They took him to the cells for the night. He moved in with a friend and hasn't been back.

I really hope this isn’t going to be a thread where I am attacked for being in a difficult situation. Yes I do need to get out and this is not a good situation for them and I will but my kids are not in danger. He is not abusive towards them he is smoking sometimes one joint on a walk during the day which is not ok with me but is not the same as someone smoking a crack pipe. I know plenty of professionals who smoke and drink too much there is no suggestion that their kids should be taken from them!

I'm tee total and do not do any drugs so I think I’m on the more conservative side to most which is why sometimes I think I could be being too hard on him! As I know parents that drink a bottle a night as far as I’m aware he isn’t doing that much yet. Though he has hidden drink.

he is drinking excessively but not everyday and is never falling down drunk or missing work or anything like that (yet) but I can see it may/will get worse and I don’t want to be around that so I’m trying to be proactive as at the moment he hasn’t go so bad that he thinks he has a big problem he has also admitted that is is feeling terribly depressed and doesn’t see any hope.

but this is definitely not a situation where my kids shouldn’t live with me so I will not be giving my kids away! I totally realise how living with an adult that drinks too much will impact them especially as it gets worse. At least At the moment they don’t see the drinking as he waits till they are in bed!

I’m going to see if I can speak to a solicitor and get advice. And also al anon as I’ve heard how supportive they can be there is a online meeting the closest face to face isn’t possible for me to get to by public transport!

I will also encourage dp again to see if he will see a gp about his depression.

thansk for the link to the thread I will have a read.

You’re in denial, OP. It occurs in codependents as well as addicts. Keep reading.

I don’t think I’m in denial about everything I know this is a problem and I’m making preparations to leave. my circumstances mean That will take a bit of time! Like it does in a lot of people in these circumstances where they need to sell their house first etc I can’t just click my fingers and he’s gone.
I will contact al anon as I do think they can help me while I’m going through this and may have some experience on the logistics too

Is @pointythings still around? Full of hard earned but good advice on this topic.

OP I don't think anyone is attacking you. Addiction is a progressive disease and the posters offering advice are people who have seen how bad this situation could be in a few years.

You are not being attacked for being in a difficult position.

You are being told that the situation is having an impact on your children and you don't agree. I sense that somewhere deep down you are afraid for the impact this is currently having on your children and that is why you feel your are being attacked. This man has put you all in an awful situation.

Is it as bad as being exposed to crack or heroin or angry drunkenness, smashed furniture, etc? Maybe not, but your children don't have the same frame of reference that you do. What they are seeing in their own home is all they know of life.

You are right to fear for the future, but the slide into a situation where the kids find him lying in a puddle of his own piss on the kitchen will creep up on you, and a lot of damage will have happened by that stage. Limit the damage by doing what you can control, hard though that will be for you. Let the sadness of that decision spur you to find a way to end this misery for everyone.

You dont have to give your children away. But you could do 50-50 until you can get your alcoholic partner out of your life, or even 40-60.

I agree with the advice to learn to drive. This will open up new possibilities for you wrt where you live and work and how close school needs to be. Use the holiday money to get some lessons.

You need to contact Shelter for advice on how to find housing. I second the advice to go to Al Anon.

@Gotsomepegsdave You don't have to tell any landlords that you claim some benefits. Just tell them you have a job.

Haven’t read the full thread OP but feel for you - I thought maybe womens aid could help you? Also Gingerbread. It’s a huge charity group for single parents - I know lots of people who’ve really got a lot of help from gingerbread. Wishing you the best of luck. You sound like a really strong person and I hope things get better for you. He sounds like a selfish shit. Xxx

Hello I just wanted to update to say I have now spilt up with him. I know I was in denial too clinging on to the deluded hope it would go away.
I did start another thread on this bit he’s still in the house he won’t leave even though his mum is close and has a massive house when he lived for free up until only 2 years ago I don’t have anywhere me and the kids can go and I don’t mean I expect him to leave this house to me but we need a bit of space I don’t want the kids to be around this it’s horrible.
he’s drunk now making dinner but still hiding the alcohol and in total denial.