If you’re in a shit marriage or divorce with a surgeon please talk to me

Harrtsi · 2022-08-17T11:35:41+00:00

I know they’re not their own species but fuck me I feel like I’ve been dragged over the coals with that relationship. He was unbelievably selfish. When we met I was earning more than him and had a decent career. He always gave the impression he liked that… you know someone to present at all his events etc. Yet when it came to it he expected me to literally give it all up so he could take a role paying 10k more. He was moody, miserable, heavy drinker and so so so stubborn. He didn’t see our dc for the first 3 years as we had broken up and he ‘couldn’t juggle everything.’ It was some of the most miserable times of my life. I just wanted some solidarity really as divorce finalised today!

billy1966 · 17/08/2022 14:28

Good for you.

One of my children's close friends father is a surgeon.

The hopping around his wife does is a sight to behold.

She goes on as if she is married to God and the entire house revolves around his "gift" and "genius".

Beyond tedious. I avoid her like the fxxking plague.😁

Well done for getting out.

I cannot imagine anything worse career wise, to be married to one.

There is a reason they often marry colleagues.

The ego comes from the constant adoration of patients, which is understandable when they often do great work.

But still tedious to be married to.

Ilikecheesycrackers · 17/08/2022 14:33

I'm not in your position but thought you might like this:

Fluffycloudland77 · 17/08/2022 14:33

They kinda are their own species though aren’t they? I’m a HCP in a health care family and there’s a cookie cutter somewhere that’s surgeon shaped.

When the shit hits the fan though their all we’ve got but that’s no excuse to treat your spouse badly. When you leave work you’re just a dh/dw.

Boybandfacedfannyfart · 17/08/2022 14:36

@billy1966 i knew one like that. I forget her real name as we always referred to her as “Mai husband… the heart surgeon@. 😂

bozzabollix · 17/08/2022 14:37

Im married to a hospital consultant - I’d say it’s an arsehole of a job that expects everything, and I can get the hierarchical thing might massage someone’s ego into becoming monstrous once a consultant, but if my husband went in that direction he’d have the piss taken out of him. He gets none of that at home, so acts normally, can’t comment as to whether he’s a twat at work but I don’t think so.

Incidentally he says that some areas of medicine are more old fashioned than others aka the consultants can be more up themselves/less involved but those days are coming to an end.

I think your ex is just a twat and is using his job as an excuse to be one.

hewouldwouldnthe · 17/08/2022 14:41

Please don't give the impression all surgeons have some kind of god complex. My sons neurosurgeon (literally brain surgeon) is the nicest, kindest, most humble man I know. He even apologised to me for it taking so long to get his CSF leak under control. There is no way he is any different at home and regularly chats about his DW and DCs .

hewouldwouldnthe · 17/08/2022 14:41

Neurosurgeon is a consultant of course.

Crikeyalmighty · 17/08/2022 14:43

I don't think it's just surgeons per se- I think many (not all) highly intelligent men with highly paid stressful careers can be very up their own arse at times and not always very nice to their loved ones.

SquirrelCity · 17/08/2022 14:47

It's not all male surgeons but it sure is a very high proportion of them.

fallfallfall · 17/08/2022 14:56

I’ve worked with many over 30 yrs. The sweet as pie persona comes on in a blink of an eye. The arrogant bold faced lying and posturing that goes on NOT EVEN behind closed doors is a sight to behold.
they do mature and have genuine moments of humility but it takes them a bit more time as “their world” is limited.

akkakk · 17/08/2022 15:55

I am married to a surgeon - she is fabulous and nothing like the description you give... and have not met a single colleague who fits that criteria - yes, they have to often make very rapid decisions when operating, but outside that they are passionate about helping people and wouldn't otherwise put up with bad hours, poor pay (against equivalents in other sectors) and the NHS.

Don't take one example and assume all are the same

Leafy3 · 17/08/2022 16:47

Rather than criticising surgeons or debating whether they all waltz about with God-complexes, I rather think the op was hoping a some empathy and solidarity.

He sounds like a sh*t op, I'm sorry! Plenty of women here with experience of those, surgeons or not!

Lulu996 · 17/08/2022 16:49

My ex was a Surgeon,

extremely charming, intelligent and hardworking but also a narcissist, abuser and a deadbeat dad who mentally abused me during my pregnancy and post partum period then left for another woman. I am so traumatised by him it’s made me so very wary of anyone in the profession now as he appears so kind and professional to his colleagues! Grrr

Namechangeforthe · 17/08/2022 17:13

Racism sexism and homophobia rife in the royal college of surgeons according to report last year. Not a massive surprise.

www.bmj.com/content/373/bmj.n998

MineIsBetterThanYours · 17/08/2022 17:40

akkakk · 17/08/2022 15:55

I am married to a surgeon - she is fabulous and nothing like the description you give... and have not met a single colleague who fits that criteria - yes, they have to often make very rapid decisions when operating, but outside that they are passionate about helping people and wouldn't otherwise put up with bad hours, poor pay (against equivalents in other sectors) and the NHS.

Don't take one example and assume all are the same

I have been reading a book on psychopaths, what make them who they are and if there are some good sides to being a psychopath.

Bottom line. Yes there are some sides to it and actually some jobs such as being a surgeon REQUIRE the person to have those traits.
Those who succeed either have those traits in the first place or develop them.

Whether they are then insufferable outside of work depends a lot on other characteristics. But basically, it seems that you can’t be a good surgeon with a dose of it….

akkakk · 18/08/2022 10:56

MineIsBetterThanYours · 17/08/2022 17:40

I have been reading a book on psychopaths, what make them who they are and if there are some good sides to being a psychopath.

Bottom line. Yes there are some sides to it and actually some jobs such as being a surgeon REQUIRE the person to have those traits.
Those who succeed either have those traits in the first place or develop them.

Whether they are then insufferable outside of work depends a lot on other characteristics. But basically, it seems that you can’t be a good surgeon with a dose of it….

Show quote history

Sorry - that book is talking tosh :)
If there is an overlap in characteristics with a psychopath, then they are clearly characteristics which are not drivers of being a psychopath, otherwise the person would be that. It is like saying that a psychopath generally has two arms therefore anyone with two arms is a psychopath!

A surgeon in today's NHS has to be compassionate, patient, analytical, problem-solving, tolerant, thoughtful, skillfull, etc. - none of which are drivers for being a psychopath.

The concept of a surgeon just bossing everyone around and shouting out orders, expecting people to jump etc. is one that many would I am sure love, but it doesn't happen that way - in the current woke / PC NHS anyone who is even asked kindly to actually do their job rather than playing on a phone simply complains that they are being bullied and it tends to be upheld!

so, no - not my experience at all ;)

Bex000 · 18/08/2022 11:13

Ex surgeon here- I think you cannot generalise and more than likely you had a lucky escape from a miserable marriage.
However surgery is tough, massively stressful, massive expectations, no support, long hours and little sleep. I left the profession as it turned me into a miserable grumpy person who always had a front on to hide the depression, which I did not want to be.
It is a tough job to get into and an even tougher job to get out of perhaps he was just massively unhappy and could not find a way to resolve the situation! Or alternatively just a twat, now you will probably never know but put it behind you and move on.

SlowingDownAndDown · 18/08/2022 12:23

Sorry - that book is talking tosh :)
If there is an overlap in characteristics with a psychopath, then they are clearly characteristics which are not drivers of being a psychopath, otherwise the person would be that. It is like saying that a psychopath generally has two arms therefore anyone with two arms is a psychopath!

SlowingDownAndDown · 18/08/2022 12:29

Oops!
Meant to add that the other interpretation is
that it’s not an entirely bad thing to be a psychopath. They clearly have potential to do good in the world!
Sorry @Harrtsi . I’m sure things will improve now you are divorced.

Crunchingleaf · 18/08/2022 12:35

OP I used to work in a job where I had a lot of dealing with Consultants. Myself and my colleagues used to joke about how awful it would be to be married to some of them or would the salary be worth it. Wishing you a better, happier life in the future.
There were exceptions to the rules but the surgeons were the worst unless they specialised in paediatric surgery. So arrogant and unpleasant. The nicest were anaesthetists and Paediatricians who were mostly lovely and down to earth. The rest of the consultants were in the middle somewhere.

Elsiebear90 · 18/08/2022 12:48

hewouldwouldnthe · 17/08/2022 14:41

Please don't give the impression all surgeons have some kind of god complex. My sons neurosurgeon (literally brain surgeon) is the nicest, kindest, most humble man I know. He even apologised to me for it taking so long to get his CSF leak under control. There is no way he is any different at home and regularly chats about his DW and DCs .

I’m sorry, but you have no idea what he’s like with other people, I work with consultants and surgeons and the arrogant rude ones are completely different people around their patients, their patients love them and think they’re amazing. To everyone else they’re vile, but they know how to turn on the charm. It’s like Jekyll and Hyde with them and was quite shocking the first time I saw it.

billy1966 · 18/08/2022 13:04

Crunchingleaf · 18/08/2022 12:35

OP I used to work in a job where I had a lot of dealing with Consultants. Myself and my colleagues used to joke about how awful it would be to be married to some of them or would the salary be worth it. Wishing you a better, happier life in the future.
There were exceptions to the rules but the surgeons were the worst unless they specialised in paediatric surgery. So arrogant and unpleasant. The nicest were anaesthetists and Paediatricians who were mostly lovely and down to earth. The rest of the consultants were in the middle somewhere.

Yes, my friend is a nurse of 30 years experience and she doesn't take an ounce of guff from the surgeons she works with.

Any attempt to disrespect her is put down very firmly.

Consultants are respectful of each other and she certainly won't accept anything less.

She is not paid enough to be taking any shit from doctors having a bad day.

She has said the way some of the known arseholes in her large hospital have been heard to speak to their wives is dreadful, barking orders in a shocking tone of voice.

They are gossiped about widely for it.

Of course there are exceptions to this.

Watchthesunrise · 19/08/2022 00:17

This topic is peak MN and I'm loving it.

ZaphodDent · 19/08/2022 00:40

@hewouldwouldnthe so your son's a brain surgeon? Impressive. Although.... my son works for Nasa and.... it's not exactly rocket science is it.

Agoodsurprise · 19/08/2022 07:12

@ZaphodDent she didn't say her son is a brain surgeon! She mentioned her son's brain surgeon - her son's doctor who treated him.