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Original poster

Could you be with your husband knowing he's in love with someone else?

86 replies

TaniaShwain · 17/08/2022 08:41

Exactly that.

Husband has met someone else online and engaged in an emotional affair.

Wife doesn't want to end marriage separate and has told husband she's willing to forgive him as long as he severs contact with other woman.

Husband is willing to make marriage work for sake of children but he's admitted he's in love with other woman and isn't in love with wife but loves her as she's the mother of they're children and have been together many years.

Is it destined for failure or can it work?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 17/08/2022 08:42

Doomed.

PurpleDaisies · 17/08/2022 08:43

The husband will inevitably cheat again.

PowerPack · 17/08/2022 08:46

I think it depends what you mean by "work". I think, provided he means it about cutting contact, they can have a good, happy, family life, but not the intimacy that comes with a good marriage.

FWIW I think the happy mum, happy children thing is over played and provided the relationship isn't actually toxic and people treat each other well, like and respect each other day to day, children are better off if parents stay together even if things aren't perfect.

It's quite a sacrifice though.

Dirtylittleroses · 17/08/2022 08:47

I think In this instance both should accept it’s a marriage of convenience and the wife should accept he is over the side. Forcing someone to be faithful to you when they’ve made it clear they are only there for the kids is in my opinion heinous.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/08/2022 08:48

There is nothing to rescue and or save here. This marriage is well and truly over.

As for he staying for the sake of the children, whose sake would he be staying for really because it would not be for the kids. It would purely be for his own and until he cheats again.

Hiddenvoice · 17/08/2022 08:48

I feel for the wife. She’s clinging onto her marriage and the life she built with him. She doesn’t want to let go of that just now and is hoping things will change. He doesn’t deserve her and she doesn’t deserve a life of being with someone who isn’t in love with her.
I guess right now she needs support and love from family and friends, if they know, to help her make the right decision for her.
My dh hd an emotional affair. It broke me and took a long time for me to mentally recover. Our marriage is back on tracks but that’s only because he cut contact and made an effort. He seen the hurt he put me through and has never made that mistake again. I would also never make the mistake of taking him back ever again if something did happen. That was 5 years ago and we have come through it but it was incredibly hard, the trust was gone and it felt like we had to start from scratch. I was always the person who would say to walk away and kick the cheater out but when you’re in that situation yourself it’s a lot different. The main difference though, my dh didn’t love the ow.
This wife needs time and support to see how she feels and decide what she really wants, but she deserves better than him.

Dirtylittleroses · 17/08/2022 08:51

I’m not sure deserving better is the right way to put it. She deserves to be in a relationship with someone who wishes to be with her. He’s fallen out of love with his wife and met someone else who he has fallen in love with. I don’t believe it makes him a bad person. He’s been honest about his feelings, he is willing to stay to give the children a stable home.

the wife is the issue here, she’s clinging on, demanding all contact is severed, but it’s irrelevant, it doesn’t change the facts she’s in a marriage of convenience, a friendship couple just for the kids.

Original poster
TaniaShwain · 17/08/2022 08:52

Hiddenvoice · 17/08/2022 08:48

I feel for the wife. She’s clinging onto her marriage and the life she built with him. She doesn’t want to let go of that just now and is hoping things will change. He doesn’t deserve her and she doesn’t deserve a life of being with someone who isn’t in love with her.
I guess right now she needs support and love from family and friends, if they know, to help her make the right decision for her.
My dh hd an emotional affair. It broke me and took a long time for me to mentally recover. Our marriage is back on tracks but that’s only because he cut contact and made an effort. He seen the hurt he put me through and has never made that mistake again. I would also never make the mistake of taking him back ever again if something did happen. That was 5 years ago and we have come through it but it was incredibly hard, the trust was gone and it felt like we had to start from scratch. I was always the person who would say to walk away and kick the cheater out but when you’re in that situation yourself it’s a lot different. The main difference though, my dh didn’t love the ow.
This wife needs time and support to see how she feels and decide what she really wants, but she deserves better than him.

Thank you for sharing this. That's incredibly brave of you to share. I am glad things are much better for you xx

OP posts:
Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 17/08/2022 08:52

Sorry OP but this is classic "Cheater Script" - "I love you but I'm not in love with you."

I would advise the wife to cut her losses and see a solicitor.

RumpleDumple · 17/08/2022 08:57

I couldn't stay with a man who was in love with someone else. I think both parties in thus scenario will end up feeling very resentful that they stayed together and no one will be happy, nor will the kids.

Isittrueornot · 17/08/2022 09:01

The wife is doomed. In time he will start seeing the other woman again, you can’t just leave a loved one behind.

SurfBox · 17/08/2022 09:01

I was always the person who would say to walk away and kick the cheater out but when you’re in that situation yourself it’s a lot different

this, it's so easy to say/advise to do x y and z in any situation but in reality none of us know how we'd react to any situation be it an affair, tragedy, illness etc. until we are actually in it. It's not always so easy to follow the 'obvious' advise.

SurfBox · 17/08/2022 09:02

I couldn't stay with a man who was in love with someone else

easy to say when you aren't in that situation.

Celynfour · 17/08/2022 09:03

Your OP suggests they haven’t met ?
or is he saying it’s not a physical affair ?
there’s lots of different scenarios but ultimately I would suggest she considers carefully the impact on her of a distracted man in the long term .

Original poster
TaniaShwain · 17/08/2022 09:04

I suppose they've built a life up together. Have a home, kids, assets.. It's easy to say you'd walk away if there was another woman involved but it all depends on how you react and feel at the time. It's a throw away comment until you're actually in that situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
TaniaShwain · 17/08/2022 09:05

Celynfour · 17/08/2022 09:03

Your OP suggests they haven’t met ?
or is he saying it’s not a physical affair ?
there’s lots of different scenarios but ultimately I would suggest she considers carefully the impact on her of a distracted man in the long term .

Emotional affair. Whatsapps, face times, phone calls. They met several times for coffee dates but nothing happened other than a hug and peck on cheek... There wasn't an opportunity for it to progress to a physical affair.

OP posts:
123rd · 17/08/2022 09:09

Fuck that! I'm far too jealous and wouldn't never be able to forget about it.
It would be kinder to leave the relationship as once the trust has gone , I'd never get it back

Dorsebound · 17/08/2022 09:11

I posted a similar thing about a couple i knew of except the woman had the affair. The woman left her husband but came back to him when her affair broke down. They seem to be working through it though.

I think men tend to stick with their wives whereas woman leave for better things.

LynneBenfield · 17/08/2022 09:12

Hiddenvoice · 17/08/2022 08:48

I feel for the wife. She’s clinging onto her marriage and the life she built with him. She doesn’t want to let go of that just now and is hoping things will change. He doesn’t deserve her and she doesn’t deserve a life of being with someone who isn’t in love with her.
I guess right now she needs support and love from family and friends, if they know, to help her make the right decision for her.
My dh hd an emotional affair. It broke me and took a long time for me to mentally recover. Our marriage is back on tracks but that’s only because he cut contact and made an effort. He seen the hurt he put me through and has never made that mistake again. I would also never make the mistake of taking him back ever again if something did happen. That was 5 years ago and we have come through it but it was incredibly hard, the trust was gone and it felt like we had to start from scratch. I was always the person who would say to walk away and kick the cheater out but when you’re in that situation yourself it’s a lot different. The main difference though, my dh didn’t love the ow.
This wife needs time and support to see how she feels and decide what she really wants, but she deserves better than him.

Excellent and really brave post.

Dorsebound · 17/08/2022 09:14

OP, are you the other woman?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/08/2022 09:14

"They met several times for coffee dates but nothing happened other than a hug and peck on cheek... There wasn't an opportunity for it to progress to a physical affair".

I am sorry but how could you be so certain there was not an opportunity?.

Original poster
TaniaShwain · 17/08/2022 09:14

Dorsebound · 17/08/2022 09:14

OP, are you the other woman?

No. I'm neither the OW or wife!

OP posts:
Dorsebound · 17/08/2022 09:16

I just wondered because you knew exactly what happened on their meets - so either you were there or this is what he told you?

Original poster
TaniaShwain · 17/08/2022 09:19

Dorsebound · 17/08/2022 09:16

I just wondered because you knew exactly what happened on their meets - so either you were there or this is what he told you?

I've been informed by one of the parties involved.

OP posts:
Dorsebound · 17/08/2022 09:24

OP, i think it can work if you both buy into it and generally i think men can be quite weak and stick with what they know.

With the couple i know, it seems to be more about the children but thats their choice. I have no judgement really. It's not something i could do because i have good role models of what i see a successful, strong, loving relationship is and i want that for myself. But i can see how if you both have lots of assets/dont want to disrupt the children/cant be alone, then very hard to leave.