Are people meant to be with the same person forever?

[collegesweethearts]

Are experiences in other relationships/with other people or even just time alone not in a relationship important for self growth etc?

If you've been with the same person all your adult life, will a part of you always wonder about what could have been and once you start thinking like that, can you ever forget about it?

These are the questions I'm asking myself now although I'm married with a child at this stage (still fairly young).

To me, commitment and loyalty is the thing. You build relationships over time. I've been with my partner for almost 15 years now, so even if I replaced him with the best man in the world, we wouldn't have shared experience, history, knowledge of each other, shared relationships or children together I.e., he cannot be replaced, if you see what I mean.

For sure, relationships can feel stifling. You need your own space.

It’s natural to wonder. Lots of people are socialised to believe that being in a relationship is the most important thing in life, so will prioritise ‘bagging a man’ over their genuine feelings about wanting to be with someone forever.

There’s also the sunk costs fallacy, where the longer you’re in a relationship, the more you may be tempted to stay in it even if it’s not a positive thing.

However there is no particular way that’s better. Time alone is important to some, not to others. Plenty of people are lonely, but plenty of people feel stifled.

Most relationships are pragmatic arrangements due to financial constraints. If more people could do things alone, such as sort out housing and/or have children without needing the extra income, maybe they wouldn't bother as much to sustain a romantic relationship. So agree with @IceStationZebra

But you'd "replace" him if he cheated on you or became abusive, wouldn't you?

It's normal to want/think about what you don't have. It's the human condition.
Alone? You wish you were coupled up.
With your first ever partner? You wish you could try others.
In one of a line of relationships? You wish you had found your one 'soulmate'.

I actually agree with a previous poster that a lot of it is really a pragmatic need for security and financial support, otherwise more people would go it alone.

If you were able to have extra-marital relationships, and you found and hooked up with someone who, underneath, wanted commitment and loyalty - it wouldn't work. This is a situation which happens with many cheating men - I believe. They want variety and a fresh experience, and the woman wants more, so, even if they haven't already lied and said they're single, they lie and say that their marriage is emotionally over.

If you were to meet someone else who respected your marriage, it would just be about having sex with them. So, yes, if it became more normal to enter into open marriages, the bit on the side would be a limited transaction, I believe, and so wouldn't give that sense of love and growing involvement.

Sex is only a part of life. Most people become bound up in other aspects of their life, involvement in the community, children, purposeful work, building an efficiently-run base, as home. They grow out of wanting to discover themselves through new relationships. Survival becomes the focus, and a strong marriage and home is a good basis for that, and multiple jealousy-invoking relationships is a weak basis for survival.

I’ve been married a long time to the same person, had one boyfriend before him, and I often wonder if I’d have liked to have had more relationships. But the honest answer is no. I’ve only ever had sex with him, but that’s ok because it was great sex. We have shared history, and it’s nice to look back on that. I couldn’t have married a better person.
I wouldn’t change it.

You might find you get itchy feet after a few years, or you might not - It depends on who you are, your personality, your needs and wants. I don't think people are 'meant to be' anything, we are just people.

I think on the whole we crave novelty and new experiences, as well as security and routine - kind of contradictory but there you go, that's human nature!

Whether or not you find these things in relationships or other elements of your life is going to vary between individuals. People find different ways to fulfil their needs and wants.

Well obviously it's all individual. I left my husband after 23 years. Someone asked me if I felt I'd failed and I said absolutely not. My marriage not only lasted as long as it was supposed to but that when marriage was invented I'd have been dead around the time we divorced as people in their 40s were as old as it usually got.
I refused to give Into the sink cost fallacy. On the other hand I know a number of people married for decades who only have had sex with one person.
I was very bad at monogamy.
I did read a book once which had a chapter on monogamy and it said that some people have that hard wired into their dna and some not.

But you'd "replace" him if he cheated on you or became abusive, wouldn't you?

If your partner cheats/is abusive, you'd leave but it's still disappointing because of the shared experience, history, children, like they just said. Why do you think break ups and divorces are so hard?

All the time lost. Your lifestyle changes. You have to start from scratch with somebody else. A new man still couldn't replace the life you wish you could've had.

(for some it can, but ideally you'd not want to start all over).

OP,
"Are experiences in other relationships/with other people or even just time alone not in a relationship important for self growth etc?"

IMO life is a continual learning experience and we owe it to ourselves to use our experiences to grow and develop into the best people we can be.
So we all need to learn lessons.
Some of us will learn lessons as part of a couple others as a single person.

I think many of us think that when we say "I do" it will be forever. Sometimes that doesn't work out, often through no fault of ours yet we can still learn from that.

looking back, the most traumatic events in my life were the ones that gave me the biggest opportunity for personal growth.

I think you're right and looking back I can see that I've probably avoided difficult times or struggles by making the "easier" choice, through fear. Not just talking about relationships there but I do think there are probably lessons along the way that I've avoided having to learn, if that makes sense. And now I'm at a point where I'm finding it really hard to ignore/avoid. I don't want to feel like I'm burying my true thoughts/feelings but also don't want to make a huge mistake that I'd regret forever.

Anyone can make a mistake

Anyone can change - we should all change grow and learn all our lives - and so grow apart

I don't think there are rules

I don't think it's time wasted if you do move on - unless you hung around when you knew it was no longer right for no good reason

I don't think it's a realistic expectation given how much people change throughout their lives. I'm not the same person I was at 20 or 30. And people don't always change for the better.

I loved my ex for many years but he became a different person. He was a happy go lucky person at the start and became quite negative as he got older. I could just see it getting worse and worse and it killed any desire or attraction.

Lots of people do manage it, and I think there are some really lucky people out there but I think there's a large percentage who suck shit up when you really don't have to, just because you've been together so long.... You only have to read the threads on here!

You don't HAVE to start again, you don't need to be in a relationship if you don't want to.

I was just responding to the replacement point. There are things you can't replace when you've been with someone so long and have so many shared life experiences

I've only had one relationship (I'm 45), met my husband when we were 19. I've never thought about anyone else, and he has always been committed to the relationship. I think it's complicated, I know another couple who met at the same age, been together a similar time and they seem happy but every other couple has split up/has various relationships before settling down and they seem happy as well. Both me and my husband are different people to how we met. I suppose I think it as life bringing the experience and my husband is the person I work through the experiences with? I do think people who get bored in life can look at their relationship and assume it's the problem. I also think that people who have many relationships do have that added opportunity for self-growth that I haven't had. It can be easy to get stagnant and stale when you are comfortable. I've got comfortable so I need to make changes, but in work/hobbies/friends. It's a decision for me. It's not better or worse that what other people choose I think.

(Not every couple I know is happy. Don't know why I wrote that! Some are)

This is interesting ;

verilymag.com/2016/04/dating-relationship-problems-breakup-advice

I think it's important to find somebody you can grow with - in some relationships, this will still come with a natural end point as not all growth will be compatible with the particular relationship. Finding a partner who supports you in being/pursuing your most authentic self and loving authentically with that, whilst doing the same for themselves, is no small feat, but it seems to be the cheat code!

I've always held a particular concern/curiosity towards couples who have been together since very young; I known I've grown and changed so much since my teens (now in my 30s) that it surprises me two people can have done so and still maintained a relationship. Hats off to those who have and are truly happy, but I do wonder whether each party has truly achieved their potential in those formative years in these situations.

How are you meant to know in advance and predict the future that you will be able to grow with someone?

Are experiences in other relationships/with other people or even just time alone not in a relationship important for self growth etc?

I don't think so. I'd say it's perfectly possible to achieve self growth within a relationship, unless you have a partner who stifles that.

I've been married for 19 years. The thought of being in another relationship (even if I found myself unexpectedly single for some reason) is not remotely appealing to me. I never think about 'what could have been', except in a 'thank goodness I didn't stay with my one other longish-term boyfriend' kind of way.

I like change and novelty and a new project, and can get restless if nothing changes for a while, but it's never my relationship I want to change.

I don't believe there is one best life for anyone so people who are happy together forever make sense to me