Page 2 | Are people meant to be with the same person forever?

Musttryharder2021 · 17/08/2022 08:27

Fairislefandango · 17/08/2022 08:25

Are experiences in other relationships/with other people or even just time alone not in a relationship important for self growth etc?

I don't think so. I'd say it's perfectly possible to achieve self growth within a relationship, unless you have a partner who stifles that.

I've been married for 19 years. The thought of being in another relationship (even if I found myself unexpectedly single for some reason) is not remotely appealing to me. I never think about 'what could have been', except in a 'thank goodness I didn't stay with my one other longish-term boyfriend' kind of way.

I like change and novelty and a new project, and can get restless if nothing changes for a while, but it's never my relationship I want to change.

You can also convince yourself that it's never your relationship that you want to change, admittedly we all know that dating in your adult age is grim so for most, staying put even if the relationship offers no growth is better than OLD and starting afresh with someone. Only to end up mostly likely in the same position a decade later.

Sellie555 · 17/08/2022 08:29

I’m so so glad I never got married (I’m 43). For me personally; the thought that I could already have been with the same person for like 23 years, plus another maybe 40 odd years more ahead of us, is a dreadful thought because, personally, I would have been bored out of my mind

not for me at all! I want a super exciting free life

category12 · 17/08/2022 08:31

spongbob · 17/08/2022 07:13

But you'd "replace" him if he cheated on you or became abusive, wouldn't you?

If your partner cheats/is abusive, you'd leave but it's still disappointing because of the shared experience, history, children, like they just said. Why do you think break ups and divorces are so hard?

All the time lost. Your lifestyle changes. You have to start from scratch with somebody else. A new man still couldn't replace the life you wish you could've had.

(for some it can, but ideally you'd not want to start all over).

I really dislike this way of looking at relationships that don't work out - "all the time lost", I mean.

It's not time lost, it's time lived.

Just because it didn't last forever, doesn't mean it was a waste.

If you come out of it with children and good experiences as well as bad, then it's best to appreciate that. You might wish you had left sooner, as I do, but my marriage wasn't lost time.

I don't think it's that reasonable to expect relationships to last entire lifetimes, given we all live longer and have much more opportunities to look beyond the communities we grew up in, when we can learn that relationships don't have to follow the patterns of our parents/a limited social circle. etc, than in the past.

We grow as people or we realise things aren't right, and that's positive, not just a sad thing. Divorce is great. 😁

zonky · 17/08/2022 08:31

Sellie555 · 17/08/2022 08:29

I’m so so glad I never got married (I’m 43). For me personally; the thought that I could already have been with the same person for like 23 years, plus another maybe 40 odd years more ahead of us, is a dreadful thought because, personally, I would have been bored out of my mind

not for me at all! I want a super exciting free life

I agree@Sellie555

I think most of these people are bored too they just can't dare to articulate such a thought

mattressspring · 17/08/2022 08:33

I think most of these people are bored too they just can't dare to articulate such a thought

Yes that's it. We are all simply bored. You have nailed it there. Not being the same = bored. Yup.

Sellie555 · 17/08/2022 08:38

mattressspring · 17/08/2022 08:33

I think most of these people are bored too they just can't dare to articulate such a thought

Yes that's it. We are all simply bored. You have nailed it there. Not being the same = bored. Yup.

@mattressspring tbf, they didn’t say ‘all’…

Middleroad · 17/08/2022 08:47

I think using "most" as a qualifier means that if I was to come on and say "I feel I could articulate if I was bored, and I don't think I am". They can reply "I didn't say all". Therefore, I don't feel I can say that because I know the response.

The conversation is going to get caught up in criticising others choices now isn't it? Instead of accepting differences and learning something?

mattressspring · 17/08/2022 08:49

@Sellie555

Ok. Replace my 'all' for 'most'.

Ridiculous assumption either way.

EBearhug · 17/08/2022 08:53

I've never been married, but I don't regret any relationships I've had. They each of them contributed to who I am today and I have some lovely memories and friends as a result. In a long relationship, you have to change and grow- you're not going to be the same person at 20 as you will be at 40 or 60, and you have to grow yourself, as well as nurture relationships. But people don't always grow together

Moonface123 · 17/08/2022 08:56

l think each individual relationship has its own timeframe. People are scared of change so often cling to what feels familiar even if it isnt working.
I feel as a woman l have grown much more through being on my own than with a partner, it gives you breathing space to focus on who you are and what you want. l have had relationships, was married for 20 yrs, and now single, occasional dating for past nine years, so l have tasted many flavours, they all have their own advantages and disadvantages.
Personally l have no desire to tie myself down permanently with anyone else, l don' t regret meeting any of my previous partners but l can't go back to that way of life now. l have my own lovely home, space and do what l want when l want.
I do work on self growth, l am more aware and mindful of it now and the benefits it brings, it is something l am very interested and invested in, more so than wasting time trying to find someone else, we are all our own saviours and heroes.

Sellie555 · 17/08/2022 08:56

Middleroad · 17/08/2022 08:47

I think using "most" as a qualifier means that if I was to come on and say "I feel I could articulate if I was bored, and I don't think I am". They can reply "I didn't say all". Therefore, I don't feel I can say that because I know the response.

The conversation is going to get caught up in criticising others choices now isn't it? Instead of accepting differences and learning something?

@mattressspring you’re tying yourself up in knots here

shreddednips · 17/08/2022 08:57

This is an interesting question. I've been in quite a few relationships, and I really don't feel like I learnt an awful lot from the experience. It was the times in between when I was single when I grew and learnt the most. So it wouldn't concern me only having been in a relationship with one person if the relationship really fulfilled me, but I might worry that I wouldn't know how to be alone if my partner suddenly fucked off.

That said, I think it's important to remember that different things suit different people. I had a really unstable childhood where I couldn't rely on my parents to look after me properly, and I often doubted whether one of them really loved me. I then embarked on trying to create the sense of security I was craving by finding someone to settle down with. I never, ever felt safe and secure, no matter how nice the men were.

So it was absolutely essential for me to spend lots of time single and learn that I can rely on myself, that I can create a happy life for myself with no one's input. It would have been an absolute disaster for me to get married young and stay with the same person. But then again, it might not be a problem for someone from a different background. I have no idea, because I've only lived as me, and it's impossible for me to imagine what it would be like to have been ready for all that as a younger adult.

Middleroad · 17/08/2022 09:00

Sellie555 · 17/08/2022 08:56

@mattressspring you’re tying yourself up in knots here

Show quote history

And that is my prerogative. Thank you for the heads up though. (you got the wrong poster btw)

shreddednips · 17/08/2022 09:03

Moonface123 · 17/08/2022 08:56

l think each individual relationship has its own timeframe. People are scared of change so often cling to what feels familiar even if it isnt working.
I feel as a woman l have grown much more through being on my own than with a partner, it gives you breathing space to focus on who you are and what you want. l have had relationships, was married for 20 yrs, and now single, occasional dating for past nine years, so l have tasted many flavours, they all have their own advantages and disadvantages.
Personally l have no desire to tie myself down permanently with anyone else, l don' t regret meeting any of my previous partners but l can't go back to that way of life now. l have my own lovely home, space and do what l want when l want.
I do work on self growth, l am more aware and mindful of it now and the benefits it brings, it is something l am very interested and invested in, more so than wasting time trying to find someone else, we are all our own saviours and heroes.

That last line resonates with me a lot, what a great way of putting it. I'm married, but my life experiences have taught me that the one person we can ever 100% rely on is ourselves. My mother thinks that's a really gloomy outlook, but it doesn't mean I don't build trusting relationships with other people. I just feel that it's so important to focus on your growth as an individual, whether you're in a couple or not, because knowing you can trust yourself to handle anything alone if you need to is the only thing that's ever given me any peace and security. For me, I had to spend a lot of time single to achieve that, but other people might not need that I suppose.

Babdoc · 17/08/2022 09:06

Quality always beats quantity, OP! Once you meet your soulmate, nobody else could replace them.
My lovely DH and I had 16 years together before his death at the age of 36. I still miss him, 30 years later, and have never remarried. He is irreplaceable.

mydogisthebest · 17/08/2022 09:14

Me and DH have been married 42 years and certainly are not bored. I was 26 when we married and he was 23.

I love that we have a long shared history. We know each other so well and have silly little jokes that no one else would really get or find funny.

I would rather spend time with my DH than anyone else and he feels the same about me.

I hope we have many more years together.

My parents were married for 67 years before they died (less than 2 weeks apart) and had a very happy marriage and were still very much in love

anthurium · 17/08/2022 09:16

Moonface123 · 17/08/2022 08:56

l think each individual relationship has its own timeframe. People are scared of change so often cling to what feels familiar even if it isnt working.
I feel as a woman l have grown much more through being on my own than with a partner, it gives you breathing space to focus on who you are and what you want. l have had relationships, was married for 20 yrs, and now single, occasional dating for past nine years, so l have tasted many flavours, they all have their own advantages and disadvantages.
Personally l have no desire to tie myself down permanently with anyone else, l don' t regret meeting any of my previous partners but l can't go back to that way of life now. l have my own lovely home, space and do what l want when l want.
I do work on self growth, l am more aware and mindful of it now and the benefits it brings, it is something l am very interested and invested in, more so than wasting time trying to find someone else, we are all our own saviours and heroes.

A really fresh and insightful post, thank you I agree with a lot of your points @Moonface123

twistyizzy · 17/08/2022 09:20

Been with my husband since we were 19 (40s now) with 1 DD. Definitely not been plain sailing and many times I've thought about leaving but ultimately we rub along day to day and most importantly have the same values and vision for our lives. We have both changed in the time we have been together but I've never felt the urge to look for anyone new however we definitely are more very good friends now rather than anything romantic. A shared life together and security in knowing we are in this together is more important to me than the excitement of a new relationship.
We both have external hobbies and interests which I think is key to surviving in relationships.
If we did split up/anything happened to him i would be perfectly happy on my own and don't think I would seek a new partner out.

zonky · 17/08/2022 09:22

I have people in my life such as my sibling and mother who are there to support me emotionally.
Most romantic partners aren't very good at this and if you're self sufficient financially, what do you need a partner for? I guess to use them to 'procreate' with as most women wouldn't feel equipped to do it alone

OliverBabish · 17/08/2022 09:35

I’ve pondered this a lot as I am an overthinker. If there’s not a problem, I’ll think one up!

DH and I have been together since I was 19; I’m early thirties now. We’ve been through so much and we’ve changed and grown together. I am not the exact same person I was, and neither is he. But I guess we have a foundation that remains and that’s why we work. We’re still really in love and have a great relationship and sex life. We have similar interests too which helps.

Will we be together forever? I don’t know, life is unpredictable. I certainly don’t think we’re still together because we’ve figured out the big secret or something. It’s just worked, and I’m thankful for that. I would never want to stay for the sake of staying though - life really is too short to be half-lived.

Original poster

collegesweethearts · 17/08/2022 09:41

This has started an interesting discussion. Some really well worded and wise responses!

I guess I don't feel as though my relationship is fulfilling me in all ways so maybe that's why I'm questioning "what if?".

I've possibly "settled" although I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing. I remember when I got married I really wanted and craved that safety and security and that's how I felt. It's how it still feels but I do feel a bit like it may have run it's course or we've grown apart too much. In a way I feel a bit like I'm having to shrink myself to make myself fit in this now, and that doesn't feel good. But on the other hand I know I'm very lucky and should be happy with what I have.

It is difficult when you have so many shared memories etc together though as sometimes looking forward you can get a bit clouded by nostalgia plus change is scary!

OP posts:

mattressspring · 17/08/2022 10:04

@Sellie555

I don't know what you mean?

Musttryharder2021 · 17/08/2022 10:06

collegesweethearts · 17/08/2022 09:41

This has started an interesting discussion. Some really well worded and wise responses!

I guess I don't feel as though my relationship is fulfilling me in all ways so maybe that's why I'm questioning "what if?".

I've possibly "settled" although I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing. I remember when I got married I really wanted and craved that safety and security and that's how I felt. It's how it still feels but I do feel a bit like it may have run it's course or we've grown apart too much. In a way I feel a bit like I'm having to shrink myself to make myself fit in this now, and that doesn't feel good. But on the other hand I know I'm very lucky and should be happy with what I have.

It is difficult when you have so many shared memories etc together though as sometimes looking forward you can get a bit clouded by nostalgia plus change is scary!

Just out of interest, how can marriage provide you with a guaranteed safety and security? It can literally end tomorrow!

Middleroad · 17/08/2022 10:09

Just because you think you "should" be happy, doesn't mean that you can talk yourself into it. "Should" is a word we use to keep ourselves in line ( Not my idea... I think I got it reading up about "mustabatory thinking"). It doesn't sound like you are happy. Conversely though, I wonder if you expect too much from relationships, because they aren't there to fulfil us in all ways. Maybe you mean all ways that relationships are supposed to be fulfilling but it's worth thinking about. It's working out if what we gain from relationships balances out with what we lose. And working out the way to minimise any loss through individual growth/experiences that we can look to bring into our life?

FourTeaFallOut · 17/08/2022 10:11

Met DH when I was 21yo, got married just over a year later and we celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary this year. I don't spend any time thinking about sliding doors moments when I would end up with someone else. Our shared history and future, a lifetime of adventure together is a life well spent.