Are people meant to be with the same person forever?

[collegesweethearts]

Are experiences in other relationships/with other people or even just time alone not in a relationship important for self growth etc?

If you've been with the same person all your adult life, will a part of you always wonder about what could have been and once you start thinking like that, can you ever forget about it?

These are the questions I'm asking myself now although I'm married with a child at this stage (still fairly young).

@Musttryharder2021 Yes I see what you mean. My DH is just a very solid stable person and I couldn't see him ever ending the relationship, although I know you don't know what's around the corner and I could never say that would never happen!

Relationships don't fail, they just run their course and end - it's not a pass or fail exam situation.

All relationships in our lives are transient, some are very short some are much longer (e.g. are you still friends with everyone from your past? Of course not, but do you describe the fact you're not still best friends with someone from nursery as a "failed" relationship?).

Transience doesn't make them any less valuable. The way they've shaped your life and who you are remain. The memories and happy times remain. All that changes is their physical presence in your life now. The rest isn't all erased from your life, from your mind or your personality.

Same as when someone dies - they are not physically with you in the present anymore, but they're not erased from the past. Their impact on your life remains.

Continuing a relationship that has run its course simply to hold onto good memories from the past is illogical - those memories will still be with you and part of your history regardless of the relationship status.

A relationship changing over time is not necessarily the same as it having run its course though. Everything changes over time.

I think the poster who said men and women get together for security is right. Security for raising children and sharing caring and wage earning, to do so. Financial security, yes: affording the house and bills together. But also a network of extended family to support you through good and bad times.

I bet long-term marriages/partnerships really come into their own in old age, when you need someone to check you're all right....and companionship too.

Also, having something you both really care about: the children; pets; the home. That is very special.

But you can have other people in your life to share security, care and hardship: your family, patents, siblings even on occasion a close friend. Romantic partners don't have to fill that role.

I bet long-term marriages/partnerships really come into their own in old age, when you need someone to check you're all right....and companionship too.

I dunno, a lot of the women in my family have ended up being carers to their partners through ghastly long debilitating terminal illnesses and then are spending their old age alone.

Thank you, that's a more balanced if not realistic prospect!

I see what PPs have said about their long-term marriages and relationships being more like good friends or companions rather than romantic and I honestly find that a bit depressing - but that's just me. I have plenty of friends, I don't need my husband or partner to be another! I love the lust and romance and passion. For me, when that's gone, I think it would be time to move on. I'd hate a life without it.

It's a choice every day to be with the person that you're with.

I think 'meant to be' is a really unhelpful concept, used to excuse bad behaviour and undermine commitment.

I also hate concepts like 'the one' for similar reasons.

It is possible to be with the same person forever, definitely, but you decide to be with them regularly, not just a moment in time.

I think many relationships can be great at the time and be right for you at the time, but aren't destined to be forever and ever as people change. Women as well as men.

They all make us who we are, I am for instance very aware of the pitfalls of very young marriage, lazy cocklodgers and men who are a bit too codependent. I did however have good relationships with these 3 different men , that have shaped my views. I don't hate any of them, I just lost interest.

OP, I came here to post something similar. I love DH a lot and we have many happy memories together but we've been together since teenagers and in my 30s now. I love him but also feel I'm shrinking myself, he's very happy with how life is but I feel like I'm missing something. I go round in a circle about it, am I depressed and it's causing me to think like this or is my marriage making me depressed.

For what it's worth, I don't think there is a one size fits all, different people will need different things and actually I think we tend to make the best of whatever decision we make because we can't go back and change it.

Married 42 years and our marriage is certainly not just good friends or companions.

We are still very much in love and I would say we are pretty romantic. We still have a sex life although not as active as it was.

I am not sure that I would want to start again even if we were only friends/ companions. Could not be bothered with getting to know someone new and not having that shared history.

Around me, lots of marriages have failed at the 25-30 year mark. I think it coincides with children leaving home, to a certain extent, or at least being older teenagers

OH has always encouraged me to grow and improve, be the best I can. We look out for each other and i think we are both different people than the ones we married but the people we have grown into we grew into together.

Life could always have been different of you make different choices, surely the key question is are you happy with the life you have.

I think it really depends on the type of relationship you're in. I know quite a few couples who have been with each other since their early teens. Some of them are still very independent, still go away with friends, have their own hobbies etc etc. It's quite nice to see and it's lovely that they have so many shared experiences at the same time since they've basically grown up together and have years of memories.

On the other hand, some of the other couples I know who have been together since teens decided to have kids very young and ended up falling into family life where nothing else really exists outside of it.

I don't think it's important to experience various relationships/time alone, but I do think it's important to maintain your own identity regardless. However, it does just differ from person to person.

It's easy to settle with someone you've known for ages and you never realise it's not right until one day you suddenly meet someone who you click with and someone who lights you up. I mean, I've seen numerous threads regarding affairs when a couple have been together for many many years.....

We're now 58 / 60 and got together at 15 / 17.

We're both very different people - unsurprisingly - now but fortunately we grew together rather than growing apart.

A long term relationship certainly requires work, commitment and compromise but I'm really glad we're still together and I know our children are glad too.

That said I think people often expect too much of their relationships. It's really important to have friends, hobbies, a life beyond one another in addition to your shared life. I'd rather be with my OH than with anyone else but we both enjoy doing things apart.

If he died tomorrow I can't see me ever having another relationship. He's all I've ever known really, although I did have a handful of boyfriends before him (I'm the older one). I think he feels the same way. I've never wanted anyone else, although we did have a rocky patch when the children were small. Fortunately we got through it and things really improved once we began communicating better.

I guess we've been lucky, though I guess for some people it might sound boring and restrictive!

This ⬆️

Why is it boring and stifling to stay with the same partner for 50 years?

I mean, if you do nothing and go nowhere and don't talk to each other or have sex, then yes obviously that's quite sad; but none of those things is a given. You can have fun and learn new things and discover new places - yes, and make new friends too - just as easily with someone else as on your own.

Plus, you might have more money - because you're a household of two adults, and you haven't had a divorce - and you aren't spending time kissing the toads on OLD, so there's an argument that it's actually easier to do all the fun stuff.

I'm happy with my husband who is a lovely man but yes, as someone who loves my own space, forever seems like a long time. I don't ever dream of being with other people. I don't think the gras would be greener with another man. It's just that I fantasise about being alone! Living in a little cottage in the countryside with cats and not having to consider anyone else. I'd be very happy.