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Original poster

Can a relationship survive an affair?

30 replies

Dorsebound · 16/08/2022 17:34

Im not part of this saga but got me wondering if a relationship can survive an affair when they actually leave you for someone else.

Woman feels marriage is dead, has affair with another married man. Splits with husband who is devastated. Married man now won't leave wife. Woman alone again and wants husband back. Can it ever work?

OP posts:
ItWasJustifiedHeWasACunt · 16/08/2022 17:41

I think anyone who says a marriage comes back "stronger" after an affair is kidding themselves. How can it possibly be the same, or better? It's the ultimate betrayal. But an affair is one thing, she actually fucked off and is only coming back because the OM doesn't want her enough. This is dead.

Wherearemymarbles · 16/08/2022 17:42

well if the wronged party is a doormat them maybe!!

CanofCant · 16/08/2022 17:46

I don't know. I wouldn't want to be my spouse's second choice though.

What's to say the affair won't restart? I wouldn't reconcile if I had been cheated on. I couldn't move on from it.

In the scenario you talk of, there is no motivation for the cheater to stop cheating. They only went back to their husband because nothing 'better' was available to them.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 16/08/2022 18:53

It all depends on the people involved. For me personally if someone I was with had an affair and left and then wanted to come back there is no way I could have them back as they have disrespected the relationship and me and even if I still loved them I could never ever trust them again and would always feel they were only coming back because the person they left to be with would not leave their partner. Why would someone have an affair if they love you. So a big no from me but am guessing there is people with low self esteem and boundaries who will take them back or for financial reasons.

Outlyingtrout · 16/08/2022 19:07

You will never get an unbiased answer to this question. All the people who claim their marriage is "stronger than ever" are extremely invested in making that their reality. It's almost always the wronged partner who says this. Having gone through the betrayal and humiliation of the affair, they need to make their decision to let the unfaithful partner "get away with it" seem worthwhile. They want people to see them as someone who made a considered and wise decision, rather than someone who acted out of desperation and/or weakness.

Lots of marriages where there's been infidelity "work" insomuch as the couples don't divorce. But I think if they were honest about what happens behind closed doors, there probably aren't many actual success stories after infidelity.

brogan1972 · 16/08/2022 19:14

No that relationship is now dead. If they stay together a totally new relationship will be formed. It may be better, it may be worse, but it will henceforth involve two different parties as the people in the original relationship no longer exist.

WantedToBeGeorgie · 16/08/2022 19:20

If the marriage was dead before the affair, well it's going to be unlikely to survive this. Although I've known a similar thing happen and the couple did manage to stay together. They made massive changes though. New work environment, moved house, both stopped drinking, counselling. So it is possible. Depends on the couple and the changes they make.

Feart · 16/08/2022 19:25

Outlyingtrout · 16/08/2022 19:07

You will never get an unbiased answer to this question. All the people who claim their marriage is "stronger than ever" are extremely invested in making that their reality. It's almost always the wronged partner who says this. Having gone through the betrayal and humiliation of the affair, they need to make their decision to let the unfaithful partner "get away with it" seem worthwhile. They want people to see them as someone who made a considered and wise decision, rather than someone who acted out of desperation and/or weakness.

Lots of marriages where there's been infidelity "work" insomuch as the couples don't divorce. But I think if they were honest about what happens behind closed doors, there probably aren't many actual success stories after infidelity.

This! 👆

twinklystar23 · 16/08/2022 19:32

No that relationship is now dead. If they stay together a totally new relationship will be formed. It may be better, it may be worse, but it will henceforth involve two different parties as the people in the original relationship no longer exist.

This ^ A useful counselling question is also:

"the relationship as it was is over, the question being do you want a new relationship with the same person?"

TidyDancer · 16/08/2022 19:34

One of my friends is in a marriage that supposedly survived an affair that took place about 10 years ago. And on the surface it probably does look like a happy loving relationship.

It's really not though, the wife is insecure and very controlling, the husband is regularly flirting with other women and crossing lines all over the place (the only reason another affair hasn't taken place is the women he's tried it on with haven't been interested).

It's an extremely unhealthy situation for all (including the children tbh) but superficially they do look happy, posting all over social media about being a loving family etc. I wouldn't argue their marriage is good enough to say it's survived the affair.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 16/08/2022 19:37

OP, the answer to your question is "how long is a piece of string".....?

Notjustabrunette · 16/08/2022 19:53

There are too many things wrong with their relationship, I would say no in your case. The relationship can’t be repaired. I think under different circumstances, then yes it can be.

HappinesDependsOnYou · 16/08/2022 21:15

Yes relationships can survive but also many don't. In this circumstance it sounds like she only wants to backtrack because she can't tolerate being alone and lonely.

Humans are complicated and I do believe it's not straight forward as to why people have affairs. Some situations it is just that the person is a selfish arse others can be more complex. I would suggest your friend seek therapy to understand why she had the affair and learn boundaries before even attempting to rekindle anything or fall into another affair. If she hasn't done the hardwork to prevent future reoccurrence then what does she think will stop her doing it again? she may even learn to enjoy her own company and realise she didn't want to rekindle her marriage regardless of whether her husband would accept her back

Original poster
Dorsebound · 16/08/2022 21:19

@HappinesDependsOnYou not a friend but I believe you're right, she is afraid of being alone

OP posts:
HappinesDependsOnYou · 16/08/2022 21:25

@Dorsebound I think many people who have affairs and who rekindle relationships after are. I should have said acquaintance rather then friend so I apologise for that! I made an assumption for ease of typing

DFOD · 16/08/2022 21:26

Depends if “surviving” is enough sustenance in life?

Many of us have expectations for thriving in life.

Sounds messy…….are there children involved?

Original poster
Dorsebound · 16/08/2022 21:33

@DFOD Yes, there are children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dorsebound · 16/08/2022 21:56

@HappinesDependsOnYou that's OK, I just didn't want to seem associated as its a situation I'm aware of in my extended social circle. I wonder if I could take someone back like that

OP posts:
HowcanIhelp123 · 16/08/2022 22:01

In this situation definitely not, because if her affair partner left his wife she would rather be with him.

People do make mistakes, and if she genuinely realised she had fucked up, what the reasons for the affair were etc in first place, and truly wanted to be with her husband I would say there is a (small) chance if husband was on board and both partners committed to a lot of work.

Here she just wants her husband back as she doesn't want to be alone and will leave again when the next affair partner comes along. Its not fair on her husband or children and she is being incredibly selfish. She needs to let him move on and find someone who actually wants him.

Original poster
Dorsebound · 17/08/2022 08:49

They both seem very loving parents so that might be why they will give it another try. I am just not sure i could forgive this.

OP posts:
HowcanIhelp123 · 17/08/2022 22:37

Personally I disagree with staying for kids. They're not at home forever, and what are you left with when they leave? A partner you don't want to be with? Then you split and the children feel like their childhood was a lie.

Much better to split amicably earlier, find someone to want to spend your life with after the children go off to live their own lives.

I've seen way way too many parents 'stay for the kids', get resentful, then are too invovled in their kids life using justifications about giving up everything for them or staying together for them. The child never asked for that!

Swimmer29 · 17/08/2022 22:47

It can work but he’ll be half dead inside and always resent you. Some people are happy with that arrangement so they can continue the lifestyle they had eg friends, house etc.

Original poster
Dorsebound · 18/08/2022 04:33

@HowcanIhelp123 I think I'd stay to give the children stability if I didn't hate the other person. I would see them as weak rather than horrible.

The woman in this seems a bit of a fuck up mentally but generally a decent person. He seems to be nice but a pushover.

OP posts:
Weatherwax13 · 18/08/2022 06:22

The affair isn't the only factor here. They need to remember the reasons the marriage was failing even prior to that.
Personally I'd feel I was a second choice in that situation and I couldn't live like that. I know my personality and I think I'd torture my husband with distrust and be totally controlling. So I wouldn't have him back even if he promised me the world. I'd hate him on the inside and it would come out all the time.

GreyCarpet · 18/08/2022 06:59

Wherearemymarbles · 16/08/2022 17:42

well if the wronged party is a doormat them maybe!!

This.

I wouldn't even entertain it. And didn't.

People always say on here it's different when you in that situation yourself and its hard to just leave.

It's actually not. It's actually really, really easy. And I wasn't working when I discovered my exh's affair so I had no income initially. But there was no way I was staying with someone who had treated with so little respect and consideration.