Should i break up with my partner?

[camerasoda]

TL;DR - differences of opinions between me and my boyfriend is causing anxiety and I'm on the verge of breaking up. Please please please give me advice.

Me (F24) and my boyfriend (M25) have been together for 5.5 years, living together for 1 year, and we're in the UK. We're perfect for each other, he's an amazing boyfriend and everything about our relationship is just great - i couldn't wish for anything different. There's just been one thing that has been haunting me and I don't think I can take the anxiety anymore.

Here it is: I sit more central politically but socially quite left, I'm pro-progession and supportive of everyone being able peacefully to be themselves no matter who they are. My boyfriend sits more on the right, and could be described as unprogressive. I'll state right now before anyone accuses him, that he's not anti-lgbtq, racist, sexist or anything that would mean I would want to immediately break up - we agree on a lot of things but there are nuances to our disagreements, but you could say he's quite anti-woke, and thinks we're potentially getting to a point when we're getting over-progressive that it'll damage our society. An example is that he's said before he doesn't like it when a tv show for example has purposeful increased representation as he thinks it's pushing a political agenda. Another example is that he thinks Pride is put in our faces too much (though he has no issues with pride, he just thinks it's too much in our faces), throughout the year.

These are things that can just be taken as a difference of opinion, and for a long time (obvi the last 5 years), I've taken them as that. But I have quite bad anxiety, particularly when thinking about what others think of me / us, and this has made me extremely anxious about his opinions which a far left person would probably class as anti-woke / bigoted which just makes me anxious. He's a really good guy, he's completely respectful of my opinion and of people, and tends to keep opinions to himself except when talking to me obviously.

I'm just really struggling at the moment, as I'm a very anxious person and it's currently ruining our relationship because I'm so worried people will think badly of him / his opinions (even though i haven't actually seen any evidence of this, just comparing what i read online to what i hear from him and the reactions to those). I don't know what to do anymore. I have 100s of intrusive thoughts telling me he's a bad guy for a simple difference of opinion (which in a normal brain should be seen as okay - it's obviously okay to have differences of opinion). I'm having a real hard time keeping it together, particularly in our current world where if you aren't seen to be having a progressive stance seems to make you a bad person.

Am i making a mountain out of a molehill? It's obvious I'm struggling with my mental health right now, and that's playing a very big factor. I'm scared I'm going to make the choice to break up simply as an escape from it and lose something that could have been an amazing life-long relationship.

I just need some advice or for someone to tell me if they've gone through anything similar and what happened. I'm scared of having to make this decision and regret it.

You have to ask yourself one important question. Do you dig it? (his opinions/ideas/thoughts/ideas/etc). If not - end it now. Otherwise, 20 years later you will be miserably asking yourself how you ended up with someone so very, very different from yourself.

Yes. You are making a mountain out of a molehill.

I understand your feelings, I’m in a similar situation with my partner, it can be tough. However, from reading your post it doesn’t seem you’re too far apart, so I’d probably focus on all the great things and agree not to discuss politics too often because you both know you disagree.

Whether people think you're making a mountain out of a molehill is irrelevant. What's important to you is important to you. Other people don't have to agree or feel the same. You need to respect that this is important to you, rather than saying 'Our relationship is perfect' when in fact, it's driving you into the ground.

Stop over riding your feelings with what you think you should be feeling. Respect your feelings. Respond to your feelings. Listen to what your feelings are telling you. You'll decrease your anxiety by miles.

Ask yourself why you think your opinions are 'right' and his are 'wrong'. A healthy society (and relationship) thrives on difference, debate and learning from others. Do you think being in an echo chamber is a healthy way to grow as a person?

Am i making a mountain out of a molehill?

Definitely. Why would you care what some far left woke nutter thinks about your partner?

Being in a relationship isn't a forum in which to focus on personal growth. It's a place to feel supported when you feel challenged by differing opinions elsewhere. It's fine for some partners to differ politically, but that's because it doesn't bother them. If it bothers OP, that's not a 'healthy way to grow', it's a source of anxiety.

Am i making a mountain out of a molehill?

Yes. Get off social media and stop allowing fairly new definitions of "Right" and "Left" as determined by groups with agendas of their own, to determine how you perceive life. Listen to some commenters on The Other Side. Many people have the concerns he does, it does not make them Right Wing, more like critical thinkers, and you also say he doesn't have extreme views and doesn't wish harm on anyone. He sounds thoroughly sensible tbh.

Is the substance of the opinions distracting from the MH problems you are experiencing?

My anecdote is that late last year I was very stressed (work, house purchase, bereavement) and it manifested into being pretty much distraught and furious at my DP’s stance on c19 vaccination… Now I am feeling better I can gloss over (what I still think is incorrect) his stance but at the time it consumed me. It really was a distraction from how shit I was feeling about everything else. So, yes. I could have seen me pulling the trigger on the relationship but only fleetingly as a disordered thought while I was whirling through the mire. It was very intense but luckily short lived.

Could it be similar for you? You have my sympathy.

He sounds like a decent guy. I would trust your own judgement about him rather than worry what others think. Why does others judgement concern you?

Just because someone comments or questions on the generally accepted/promoted narrative it doesn’t make them a bad person. You say yourself he isn’t extreme.

If he treats you well and your relationship is otherwise great I would encourage you to keep an open mind about opinions and politics etc.

Also bear in mind that as you grow older your own views may change. Mine have changed quite considerably from my early 20s to now in my mid thirties.

On a separate note I would perhaps speak to your gp. 100s of intrusive thoughts doesn’t sound healthy. Perhaps you need a little more help with your anxiety. Wishing you the best x

You need to focus on the cause of your anxiety. Birth control can cause this, so that may be one angle to look at.

At 24 and 25, your politics are probably going to evolve over the next few years anyway - and hopefully you'll learn to care less what other people think too. If everything else is great, I'd stay with him.

I think you should get help with your anxiety and then reassess. It doesn't sound like you're in a good places for such a big decision about an otherwise good relationship.

I think you have made a problem where there isn’t one to distract from the MH crisis you are experiencing. Go and see GP and say you are having 100s of intrusive thoughts daily. He sounds like a keeper.

My anecdote is that late last year I was very stressed (work, house purchase, bereavement) and it manifested into being pretty much distraught and furious at my DP’s stance on c19 vaccination… Now I am feeling better I can gloss over (what I still think is incorrect) his stance but at the time it consumed me. It really was a distraction from how shit I was feeling about everything else.

Thank you for this. I'm having a shit time at the moment and you've just made me realise that I've been guilty of hanging it on my husband, who I normally adore.

Why are you are so concerned about what other people think?

I think to finish things when he is great in every other way would be ridiculous - but that's just me, you have to decide whether having someone with the exact same political views as you is a requirement for you to be happy.

The fact it seems more about what others think though is what stands out to me - people are always going to have different views - are you just going to surround yourself with an echo chamber of like-minded people throughout your life so you don't get anxious?

He sounds quite mature tbh.

Most people, as they grow up, realise that the world isn't quite as polarised as left and right and the 'correct' position is a bit more nuanced than that.

The fact you are concerned with what 'woke' people will think of you/him because of his ideas is a bit many of them will also grow up to realise that most positions aren't as black and white as they did in their 20s.

And I say that as the 'owner' of a 23 year old who has already moved away from some of the uber woke views he held in his late teens and very early 20s because they don't quite stack up anymore and he is beginning to see the grey areas in between.

I'd suggest you get off SM and do some of your own critical thinking and you might find that you agree with him on some of it.

@Collidascope 💐

I'm having a real hard time keeping it together, particularly in our current world where if you aren't seen to be having a progressive stance seems to make you a bad person.

I'd also suggest speaking to people in the real world, and not just online, to gauge their opinions.

IME, I see very few of the extreme woke positions held online replicated in the real world in anyone over 25. I have professional colleagues in their late 20s and they are quite happy to call out the bullshit when they see it. None of them are concerned with how 'woke' they are. Or how others see them.

Good guys are rare, OP. Good guys who want a relationship, and aren’t already taken by some other girl, get rarer and rarer the older you get. Between age 25-35 they are hard to find indeed! If you break up with him because your political views aren’t identical then you’ll regret it, yes, you won’t find another like him quickly.

I’d suggest a chat through with a therapist. You sound very intolerant and afraid of debating different views. I suspect you’re a victim of an idea common amoung young people at the moment, that some views are right and everyone else must be ‘cancelled’ ‘blocked’ etc. This is actually a very recent idea and a product of social media echo chambers. It’s tribal thinking. It’s fanaticism. It isn’t healthy. If you want to get married one day and stay married, then trust me, you’re going to need to learn to shrug off and ignore a great many of your husband’s opinions ;)

For every generation before yours, it was unremarkable to have friends/partners with slightly different political views and it wasn’t a problem. You’re spending too much time on the internet I suspect. Like now.

Go spend time with your boyfriend (and ideally also see a therapist), and work out for yourself if you love him and want a long term future with him. If you love him and want a future with him, but your friends don’t like him, get yourself different friends. If you just don’t love him and wanna be single, you don’t need my permission 🤷‍♀️

And there are many, many, people who share your boyfriend’s views. Particularly re Pride being everywhere all the time.

Please look up relationship OCD and see if it's what you're experiencing, it's intrusive thoughts that your partner isn't the 'perfect one'.
I like to think I'm quite open minded but I do see where he's coming from with the two example you gave.
Sometimes I think it is a pity when I see TV choices made to be politically correct because its obvious and sometimes those chosen aren't the best for it..
On the Pride thing, there was actually a post here not long ago about someone who was LGBTQ and hated Pride and just wanted to live their life quietly..
If its only things like that where you differ where there really is a lot of grey matter why don't you be curious about your differences instead and enjoy debating it all :-)

Good guys are rare, OP. Good guys who want a relationship, and aren’t already taken by some other girl, get rarer and rarer the older you get. Between age 25-35 they are hard to find indeed! If you break up with him because your political views aren’t identical then you’ll regret it, yes, you won’t find another like him quickly

This is a dangerous view. 'Stay with someone you feel anxious with because you won't find better'. 'Stay with someone because they're good, rather than because you're happy in your relationship with them.'

This is how people end up staying in abusive relationships. This is how people end up miserable, by keeping themselves in an unhappy situation, because they think they should be happy with it.

It’s tribal thinking. It’s fanaticism

Way to make OP feel wrong for having her feelings. Nice work. Take no notice, OP. What's important to you is important to you, however anybody wants to label it.

he's quite anti-woke, and thinks we're potentially getting to a point when we're getting over-progressive that it'll damage our society.

Some woke views are already doing so, so he isn't wrong there.

I have a friend who won't attend Pride events because she doesn't feel safe or welcome there any longer. She is a 35 year old lesbian and she isn't alone. It's a shame because she used to really look forward to them.

She also isn't alone in the rainbow flag now feeling quite hostile either. Whereas it once signified tolerance and acceptance, to many people it now signifies hostility and exclusion.

I'm not trying to tell you you're wrong, just that the real world is more nuanced than you believe and there isn't one right way of thinking and the rest is wrong.

If my partner and I had such different political stances, I would leave him. On top of that, if I was worried others would think badly of me and assume I believed the same as him, it would make me want to leave more.

IMO if you think diversity isn't important, pride should be less publicised etc then a part of you is probably homophobic, racist etc or at least you think they aren't issues because they don't affect you directly. Someone that insensitive to others would not be attractive to me