Should i break up with my partner?

[camerasoda]

TL;DR - differences of opinions between me and my boyfriend is causing anxiety and I'm on the verge of breaking up. Please please please give me advice.

Me (F24) and my boyfriend (M25) have been together for 5.5 years, living together for 1 year, and we're in the UK. We're perfect for each other, he's an amazing boyfriend and everything about our relationship is just great - i couldn't wish for anything different. There's just been one thing that has been haunting me and I don't think I can take the anxiety anymore.

Here it is: I sit more central politically but socially quite left, I'm pro-progession and supportive of everyone being able peacefully to be themselves no matter who they are. My boyfriend sits more on the right, and could be described as unprogressive. I'll state right now before anyone accuses him, that he's not anti-lgbtq, racist, sexist or anything that would mean I would want to immediately break up - we agree on a lot of things but there are nuances to our disagreements, but you could say he's quite anti-woke, and thinks we're potentially getting to a point when we're getting over-progressive that it'll damage our society. An example is that he's said before he doesn't like it when a tv show for example has purposeful increased representation as he thinks it's pushing a political agenda. Another example is that he thinks Pride is put in our faces too much (though he has no issues with pride, he just thinks it's too much in our faces), throughout the year.

These are things that can just be taken as a difference of opinion, and for a long time (obvi the last 5 years), I've taken them as that. But I have quite bad anxiety, particularly when thinking about what others think of me / us, and this has made me extremely anxious about his opinions which a far left person would probably class as anti-woke / bigoted which just makes me anxious. He's a really good guy, he's completely respectful of my opinion and of people, and tends to keep opinions to himself except when talking to me obviously.

I'm just really struggling at the moment, as I'm a very anxious person and it's currently ruining our relationship because I'm so worried people will think badly of him / his opinions (even though i haven't actually seen any evidence of this, just comparing what i read online to what i hear from him and the reactions to those). I don't know what to do anymore. I have 100s of intrusive thoughts telling me he's a bad guy for a simple difference of opinion (which in a normal brain should be seen as okay - it's obviously okay to have differences of opinion). I'm having a real hard time keeping it together, particularly in our current world where if you aren't seen to be having a progressive stance seems to make you a bad person.

Am i making a mountain out of a molehill? It's obvious I'm struggling with my mental health right now, and that's playing a very big factor. I'm scared I'm going to make the choice to break up simply as an escape from it and lose something that could have been an amazing life-long relationship.

I just need some advice or for someone to tell me if they've gone through anything similar and what happened. I'm scared of having to make this decision and regret it.

I understand your fear - the "progressive left" is very authoritarian and doesn't allow discussion or debate about the issues it has deemed The Right Way To Think. If he were to deviate from the official line or suggest there was an alternative viewpoint while you were with your friends*, then he'd be outcast and you, by association, would be too, (that's how these purity spirals work). You'd then have to either a) dump him and publicly declare yourself horrified by his opinions so as to be allowed to stay a member of your social group, or b) if you stay with him, you're probably out, because they'll claim that your proximity to someone with un-pure thoughts makes others in the group "feel unsafe", because it might mean they need to challenge their own received thoughts and how other people are impacted by the consequences of a particular ideology.

These supposedly-progressive views is often how people think in their late teens and early to mid-20s, particularly in the middle-class demographic. As we get older (I'm 10 years older than you) and have a gradual exposure to the complexities of real life, we realise that things are often more nuanced than we thought they were, and compassion and understanding of the needs of others are required. I remember reading a Helen Lewis article which said this:

It is much easier to be pure than it is to be good. Goodness is complicated and unglamorous and dull. It rests on the hard work of empathy, which is difficult and humbling and which requires us to think about other people and not about ourselves. It is the opposite of narcissism.

Which I thought was very true.

He sounds like a good guy, who does his own thinking (rather than robotically parroting the approved lines he's been told to accept uncritically). Critical thought is a good skill to have.

You need to think about how his views make you feel

Full disclosure I couldn't be with anyone like your partner, I'm very left and wouldn't find common ground with someone even Center right.

But don't base this on what someone else thinks of him, unless it matters to you a lot

This

This is spot on.

Does it really sound right to you, OP, that people who pride themselves on their tolerance of others are so intolerant of any idea that deviates from their very narrow definition of what is 'right'?

OP you got together with your boyfriend when you were quite young and I suspect what you are going through now is wondering whether you and he are as aligned as you first thought and wondering whether these differences are something you want to live with permanently. Your feelings don't mean you think he is wrong and you are right... they are merely highlighting that you increasingly recognise that you are different.

This is also important to me and while some may dismiss political differences as being insignificant, to me they are really important. Unless you are about to get married or pregnant, you don't have to make any decisions right now. See how things pan out. If it niggles and you start realising how very different you are then that's ok. You don't have to stay in the relationship. Some people grow apart and that's ok.

I split up with a boyfriend. When I realised I wasn't politically aligned. I'm on the left and he honestly didn't have the same morals regarding lower income folk and immigration. He was gone. No regrets

I would do, and have done, the same.

It's not quite in the league of 'woke' purity spirals though.

And a decision you made for yourself and not because you were worried about what others would say. A lot of the online very progressive left stuff is quite insidious and unforgiving.

I recently defriended a friend for similar reasons - but the difference between you two and my friend and I is that she laughed and told me I was stupid - your partner seems to respect your opinion .

I would find it hard to be married to a Tory, and couldnt' be married to a misogynist, racist, homophobe etc

My friend would call me a woke snowflake and laugh, she is 6 years older than me and told when I was older, I'd understand (I'm 52, I already know what I am going to) - she was very Daily Mail doesn't need things pushing in my face. I'm not homophobic but don't need it in my face, I'm not racist I have black friends, but the country is full... it was a pride thing we argued over and it was that made me realise we dont have a friendship anymore. She as fed up with me criticising and I was fed up with her comments. She accused me of cancelling her, and that convinced me that I was right.

DH and I disagree on a lot of things, but the fundamental values we want to live our life by are the same - the way we want to raise our kids and the way we respect each others opinions - even when we disagree. If you can do that with your partner, you can get through your differences of opinion

I agree with other posters that the opinions of others isn't what matters, but as @trafficcone34 said, you need to examine whether you're really anxious because of what others think, or because you're struggling with your own opinions about him.

However, I think you are simplifying this a bit too much by writing it off as just politics. I know plenty of couples who support different political parties and manage to make things work. But there are some issues that are "just politics" (like budgetary spending) and other things that, while the subject of political discourse in recent years, are more to do with your fundamental values (and the values you want your children to be raised with, if that's in your future plans).

I think you need to do some reflection and figure out if this is a just a difference of political opinions or a difference in values.

I have friends like this and I get on fine with them. But if it was a partner who I lived with and spent a lot of time with, that would be a huge no-no for me.

Ultimately, it's not really about what any of us on here deem acceptable, it's about how his views make YOU feel. And if it's giving you anxiety then I'd consider leaving him as his views are unlikely to change. 10 years from now, you're still going to have this exact same issue.

In my experience if you're spending any decent amount of time wondering whether you should break up with someone, the answer is yes. You seem like you're asking for permission.

As an aside the view that pride is too much in our faces and political correctness on TV has gone too far is not a great example of independent or critical thinking.

I couldn't like and respect someone who in this climate was right leaning. He would have to give me a really convincing argument to explain why.

I would discuss politics with him and you both discuss your sides and hear each other out. It should tell you why he has those views and if you are able to respect him.

I had exactly the same sort of anxiety that you describe OP - fear of what other people think of me, my partner etc. I’ve had it all my life - fearful, anxious, worried about things that hadn’t happened yet, what people thought. It held me back from applying for jobs I could easily do, even buying clothes I liked because the fear of what other people thought was so strong.

Can you afford to have some private counselling? It was life changing for me - imagine waking up and not feeling anxious, our your inner voice just thinking about something nice you’re going to do instead of awful things about your partner, yourself, other people.

There is help for your anxiety and your intrusive thoughts - it sounds quite like a lot for you at the moment. I didn’t think anything would help and cannot believe the difference it has made to my life. A lot of my problems came from my childhood and how I was brought up - understanding that help relieve those anxieties and I don’t have intrusive thoughts so much any more.

I think you should address this first. Once your mental health has improved you can see what you think about these views your partner holds. You might find it doesn’t matter to you so much any more or you might find it a dealbreaker but it’s a decision to make when you can think about it a bit more rationally - and of course a therapist would also be the perfect person to talk to about your partner.

You did meet when you were young and people change a lot in their early 20s - you can outgrow each other. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone who has the same political outlook but its a decision best made when you are deciding whether it’s something YOU can live with that is the driving force, not what other people think.

What are you doing for your mental health? Seems to me you need to really address your anxiety and any underlying issues.

As for your partner's views - people often move further right as they get older. It may be that the relationship doesn't have forever - but relationships formed at 18/19 often don't last a lifetime anyway.

I'd focus on your MH right now, and make a decision about your relationship once you're feeling more stable.

It's clear to almost everyone that diversity is vital these days.

We must all do our bit to think exactly the same way on diversity and cancel anyone who thinks differently.