problems with my husband.

[gettingannoyed]

Hi I'm new here and was wondering if I could have some advice! I gave birth to my son four weeks ago and have been somewhat disheartened by my husbands way of doing things since. I am breastfeeding, but it is him who sleeps in late, as although he manages to sleep through the feeds his sleep is still 'disturbed'. He is off work for another couple of weeks. When he gets up in the (late) morning, he spends his day on the computer and is very little or no help around the house. He will change the babies nappy occaisionally and help at bath time.
Shortly after my baby was born he became unwell and we had to spend some time in hospital, we were not prepared for the fact that we may have to stay in and I had nothing (spare a few nappies) for the baby or myself. I phoned my husband in the morning after our first night in hospital and told him we had run out of nappies, and yet he still did not arrive untill gone 3 in the afternoon, despite knowing that his son was in a dirty nappy all that time (the hospital did not supply them). He had been out untill 2 in the morning the night before, leaving my mother who had been staying home on her own.
The next day he was no better, having only brought a few nappies in, we had run out again, and my son also needed a change of clothes. He had not gone home at all that night and had stayed with his brother, and so did not have any of the things we needed. He refused to go and buy anything, meaning his parents had to go out and get things for me. He also said he would not be rushing in as he found being there 'boring'. He is out again tonight, despite knowing that I had brought a 'special' tea and I am just sick of it all.
Our conversation only seems to involve snapping at each other, he has said he is sick of me nagging him and asking 'can you...' ie, pass me a drink, tissue as I am breast feeding. He begrudges having to do anything around the house, and basically I completely dislike him. I really feel like I no longer want to be with him. We just don't seem to get on. Is this feeling mainly to do with my hormones and things will get better? I really don't know if my feelings are reasonable or not.

Hi welcome, you have a good rant, it can be like this for a while sit him down have a chat make plans to pop out with a friend for a while leave him with the babe,(not for long 1hr or so) just so you get a break, tried expressing so he can feed too??? not alot of help just didn't want to leave you on your own xxxxCongrats on the babexx

Feelings are notoriously up and down apres birth, gettingannoyed. Hormones and stuff do their rampant worst and you have the catterwalling of the newborn to contend with as well as the process of adjusting to the idea of being the parents of a child who may seem like the most wonderful person in the world. Having said that, your husband sounds like he is acting like a bananahead tosser extraordinaire. Could he be going through that "pushed out new dad" thing or has he always been a twat?

reminds me a bit of problems i had with my dh i was constanly needing him to do stuff whilst i was feeding and he was very bad tempered

though, my advice would be to train him up asap if you can, get him to do a night, leave him with baby on his own - circumstances meant that my dh had to look after my babe four evenings a week from 8 weeks onward and now a year later he is like a second mummy he is mega clucky - i know other mums who dp's never got the hang of sharing the work and for me that would have been very hard to deal with

ga - this sounds awful for you.

It sounds like your dh is htrowing a strop because he's not the only baby in the house any more. Or was he a thoughtless git before?

But it may help you to know that I think a lot of men find adjusting to a new family very hard, and some take it out on their partners.

Even so though, I think you should talk to him. Wait until you're both calm and then explain how you feel - difficult to do this without getting all whingy, but stating the facts - you get up in the night, early in the morning, you have all the responsibility etc - may help. Try not to just go on about all the things he has or hasn't done (even though frabkly, you would be right to) because it'll just wind him up. Then see how it goes. Maybe even come up with a few compromises - he gets earplugs and you don't moan at him one day, then you get a lie in the next or something.

Scrummy mummy i was trying to be suttle but you wow you go girl,

Frankly, I think your husband needs to think long and hard about what the two of you have taken on. He is a father now and he needs to start acting like one.

Goodness, thank you for your responses! I think he was always selfish before, but just used to make out that I was in the wrong, expected too much, was too possessive etc, and I usually believed him. Now there is someone here who really does need to be put first it is showing him for what he is i think. He is very loving towards our baby, and despite not being that keen on the idea of a baby to start with, he has been very much looking forward to the new arrival! We were planning to share his care when I go back to work, but he just dosen't seem responsible enough, ie, putting him a bath that I thought to be too hot, and jokingly letting go of the pram on steep slopes with walls at the bottom. In my opinion just not worth the risk of harming our baby, in his opinion I am being a fussy cry baby. As for finding life with the new baby hard, I have heard him tell several people that life is no different really. It should be, though, shouldn't it?

ga, shings sound really tough for you at the moment, things can seem bleak when babies are so new - do you think he as bonded with the baby?

God, I think Scummy's said it all for me. Poor you. You are definitely not in the wrong. I really feel at a loss to help you. I'd probably move to my mum's, but I don't think that's exactly a long term answer... lots of sympathy.

Husbands do find adjusting to having a baby around difficult - but so do mums too! No real advice I'm afraind, just to say that I agree - he sounds like he is behaving like a real twat!

What do his parents think of his behaviour?

He seems to of, although he was quite resentful of my mother being here when the baby was first born, says he felt he couldn't do anything, and generally didn't. I do wonder whether he developed a pattern whilest she was here and just hasn't bothered to change it, or that he is punishing me for her being here. She was worried by his way of doing things. I feel like sending him away for a while to just let me get on with things and for him to have a break, then maybe he might realise how important his son is to him and see the error of his ways. But on the other hand I don't want him to think that it is ok for him to go away on his own too often. Life is too confusing!

Sorry, you lot are quick! I missed the last two posts! His parents were annoyed with him when we were in hospital, but it is usually him who speaks to them so they don't get the picture of what he is and isn't doing, really. They tend to think it is my brother in law who is a bad influence on my husband. But I'm not so sure anymore!

My husband used to come home from work and ask if I had 'managed' to pay this bill or buy those new socks or wash his sports kit or whatever - the implication being that I sat around all day watching daytime TV but I left him with the two kids a few times and returned home to utter chaos, husband still in dressing gown at 2 pm and children parked in front of TV eating chocolate (behavior he would have tutted at before) so sometimes I know partners just don't realise how exhausting life as a mum is! But I know you might worry about whether your son will be safe...my heart goes out to you but LIFE DOES GET BETTER, I promise!!

Is there a chance your mum could have the baby one evening and you and dh go out for a 'heart to heart', no accusations just a talk about why he is acting the way he is and what needs to happen to make things better. Good luck, sending you hugs

Well, he just phoned asking me if I want him home tonight, I told him it was up to him but that we needed to have a talk tomorrow, not tonight as I don't want an argument. The upshot is that he wants to talk tonight, having had obviously quite a bit to drink, so not a good idea. And because I won't agree to that he is not coming home. So sod him basically. I might see about going down to my mums tomorrow, depending what sort of night we have. She lives quite far away, and it will mean getting the train so I will see. Had enough of him really!

GA, I'm with Scummy on this! He reminds me a lot of my ex... which says it all really! Although I'm not suggesting you split up at this stage, perhaps if you manage to talk to him he might get better? How about showing him this thread?

Must say the arrogance & lack of consideration of your dh in saying 'life is no different' & behaving carelessly around ds is making my blood boil!

How old is he?

Have you thought (sounds dreadfully morbid I know) of suggesting that he needs to be more responsible because if you fell under a bus he'd have to look after your boy?! If it is the fact that he feels pushed out it might focus his mind - possibly he feels that you're coping brilliantly & there's no room for him, so he's being an immature tw*t because he secretly feels redundant?

My dp was an irresponsable, selfish t"&t when our ds was born. I told him once, after he had come in so drunk he had vomited on every single item of furniture, that if I died, ds would be taken into care, because at the rate he was going he wasn't fit to look after a dog.

If he genuinly loves the baby, this should scare him into groing up a bit.

I had to remind my partner that he was no longer the most important person in my life, never would be again, and he had better just get used to it

colditzmum - WOW! Don't beat about the bush, eh? (Spot on though!) [SMILE]

it damn well worked! we share the childcare now as we both work shifts. ds is now 20 mo and we are still together, sometimes you have to be QUITE FIRM with new dads!

CG he is 27. I think he thought he was too young for a baby yet, and he was probably right. Wow Colditzmum, I wish I had your guts! But I don't really think he has done anything to cause social services to take our son away yet, I do think he would manage if he needed to, because I can see how much he loves his son. So he would just know I'm talking rubbish really! I've written and sent him an email where I've said what I want to, in a not too nasty way, so maybe that will help and give us something to construct our discussion around, if and when it ever happens! Thank you for all your advice, maybe I can come back and update you later on!?

Ha that wasn't guts that was PND . But, in a way, the man sometimes does feel displaced, and it is kinder in the long run to say "this is how things are always going to be". Because IME, partners often think that being a mum is something you will just "get over", whereas in reality you just get much better at it.

PS I think you are also probably a kinder person than me, cos when MY partner let go of the buggy on a hill, I kicked him

Yes do update us, I've been through this myself

GA, I'm not surprised you're finding this difficult. The last thing you need with a new baby is a man acting like an infant too!

I'd second what the others say about men finding the adjustment hard. You have carrired this chld inside you for 9 months and had all that time to get used to it. Your DH obviously knew he was going to be a dad, but I think for men it can eb a much more brutal shift - one day it's just the 2 of you and the next day there's 3! As I heard someone say the other day, "You are now in a non-negotiable relationship with something that has no Off switch"!

He may also be feeling jealous of the baby and its demands on your time. I have no time for this attitude myself, but I know it is common.

He may also dislike the physical act of you breastfeeding - ie feels your body is "his"

He may just feel generally displaced by the baby and has decided "Sod it, she and her mum can do it fine without me, I'll just carry on as normal".

All of these things are common reactions experienced by my friends' or my DH after a new baby.

In your hormonal, tired state, it is very hard to think straight about all this. I would say, go off to your mums for a couple of days if you can, to get some space. Then, when you do sit down to talk with DH, try very hard not to get angry (whihc you have very right to be), but instead approach it from the "I really need your help, I can't do this without you" angle. If he is feeling rejected and unloved, he needs to hear you tell him that only he can give you the help and support you need.

He may not do things with the baby the "right" way, but try to let him find his way, or at least not criticise him too much. My DH still says he hates it when he feels I'm always telling him he's doing things wrong, and our children are 3 and 7 months!

I really hope things get better for you and your DH gets the right idea soon. Keep us updated