Let down by good friend when I need her the most

[PrimalIceScreamer]

I made a v good friend since my ds and her ds were in nursery. Over the years the two ds were good friends and our families became close. We would we even text each other everyday - sometimes several times sharing everything. However, 3 months ago, my teenage ds unexpectedly passed away.

Since then my friend has barely contacted me. I have met with her once since and she told me then how upset she was over my ds, that she had to take a week off work to grieve and that she didn't want to talk about anything to do with my ds as she was 'done with crying' over my ds and had 'no more tears left'.

I understand that people react differently to loss and that they cannot talk about it. However, I find it so hard that she will not even message me to find out how I am or arrange a meetup like we used to. It is always down to me to initiate contact, and although she responds, her responses seem very stilted and not the same as it used to be - both in terms of frequency and tone. In the last 3 months, we have only met twice - one of which was at my ds' funeral.

I have other friends who have been incredible - who regularly check in with me and who have been amazing with their support and they were not at all as close as my other friend. I have really appreciated their love and support throughout what has been and still is the most painful time of my life.

I just wish that my good friend would be the same as my other friends - but I feel like she is avoiding me and would rather I stayed away or maybe she just doesn't want to be reminded of my ds (which I also find painful). I also feel let down by her, especially since the recent loss of my ds, the support of my friends has been vital. FWIW I have told her how much other friends have helped - but I guess she feels she is unable to do anything. How can I come to terms with this? The last thing I want to do is un-necessarily upset her.

Crikey - talk about the epitome of self-centred!

I am so sorry for you losing your son and so sorry for you having to put up with this rubbish behaviour from your so-called friend.

I am sure someone will be along to tell you why she might be behaving like this because I personally have no idea. But I don't think she will be a friend for much longer and I am sad for you that you may be losing a friend at this awful time.

Had you noticed over the years that she was capable of being so selfish or is this out of the blue??

This is quite a common reaction. It’s because people may not know what to say or do when someone has been through something so grave.
Perhaps also a touch of not wanting to be reminded of their own and their loved ones mortality. most people have a natural aversion to anything that upsets them or brings their mood down.

Your friend may not consciously mean any harm, but yes, it’s selfish.

If you look carefully and deeply into your own past, you may find you have unwittingly done the same yourself. Thinking in this way helped me accept things a little easier, I hope it helps you, too.

So sorry for your loss, OP. I’m glad you have better friends who are supporting you. Iwouldn’t bother with the one who’s dropped you. It may be selfishness, it may be weakness, but either way you don’t need her in your life.

Yes, unfortunately previously she is quite self centred - but I have learnt to accept it and in other respects she was better and always made me laugh - I guess this is why right now I miss her. 😓

I'm so sorry about the loss of your son. I can't imagine how hard that must be.

You are right, your friend has let you down, and that's an additional grief for you to carry.

It's possible she simply doesn't have the resources to support you- she's overwhelmed and at a loss.

You can't change how she is, sadly, but you can change what you do. If there is any element of it costing you to be in touch with her, then stop. You must focus on what you need. If you still get comfort from your interactions with her, great. If it's the other way around, then please prioritise yourself.

I’m so sorry for your loss and that your friend has been utterly awful at supporting you.

I’d focus on those whom have been there for you and strengthen those friendships. I’d actuator completely disengage with her tbh but that’s up to you. You should be allowed to speak about your darling boy as much as you wish on no one else’s terms.

Wow. She wouldn’t be my friend any more after making your son’s death all about her. That is staggeringly self centred. I’m sorry for your loss OP and glad you have good friends who are providing support.

@PetalParty - you are right. In other friends grief, I am ashamed to admit, I didn't check in them more regularly but I didn't ignore them either - but at the same time I was not very close to them either.... which is why when I did see her I told her that I was touched how other friends of mine were helping me and how much I valued it.

@ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus - I feel very sad about the conclusion that I don't need her in my life - it feels like yet another loss.

I am so sorry OP, I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through.

Your friend has absolutely let you down. Hugely. If it were me, I would phase her out. No matter how death affects you or how sad it makes you, you do not leave a good friend on her own to grieve her child. That is simply cruel and very very selfish. It sounds like you have some other good friends who have your back, I would concentrate on them and let her float like driftwood out of your life.

i'm so sorry OP

TBH i'm not sure I believe your friend

it sounds to be as if she doesn't want to support you through this. It's selfish but perfectly within her right.

Her reasoning sounds like an excuse to encourage you not to bring it up without making her sound like an arsehole

She wants to be friends for fun

It does make her sound like an asshole though. I can’t imagine the gall necessary to sit in front of a woman whose son has died and tell her not to bring it up because it upsets ME. It’s incredibly insulting.

This is most disgusting thing I have read on here... how DARE this "friend" make your sons death all about her!!

I am honestly speechless!! This is the most staggeringly selfish example of a narcissist I have ever seen.

Please op block her and move on. Your true friends are there for you.

I'm so sorry about your loss. I can't even begin to imagine your pain.

Unfortunately it is quite common when you suffer a bereavement, that the friends you think will be there for you aren't and instead the help and support comes from unexpected sources.

Your friend's comments to you were appallingly insensitive and she showed no compassion or empathy to your situation.
It may be that your friendship which developed through your sons, is something she no longer feels able to cope with now that your son is gone, but that does not excuse her comments.

I would spend time with those who are supporting you and try and forge friendships with those people going forward as they have shown themselves to be the sort who will be there in good times and bad and those are the sort of people we all need in our lives.

Finally, I'm very sorry for your loss Op.

It’s very hard to realise that someone was never really your friend. She is actually just a vampire.

I’d encourage you to block her.

I’m so sorry OP, this is heartbreaking. No parent should have to go through this.

Your friend sounds shaken; your son passed suddenly. It’s highly likely she’s thinking of her own son and terrified at the thought of losing him. It’s every parent’s worst fear.
She’s NOT being a good friend right now but it sounds like she doesn’t have any capacity to cope mentally or emotionally in supporting you. People deal with shock/pain/fear in different ways and some protect themselves by shutting down or avoiding.

Obviously it’s selfish as it’s prioritising her feelings and mental wellbeing over yours (you, who would obviously feel pain and grief that is world’s apart from whatever she is experiencing), but I do understand it on some level.
You’re entirely justified to feel unsupported and incredibly hurt.

Lean hard on others to help you through the rawest stage of your grief, I’m glad you say you have a support network.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I can't believe you are functioning after losing your son. I am so sorry. Lots of love from me and the cats.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son.
It's at times when you need friends that you find the real ones.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, I can't imagine how painful it must be to lose a child. I'm pleased to hear that you have support in your life.
This other woman has perhaps laid her cards on the table and shown you that she believes life solely revolves around her, so how dare you grieve in her space, because her feelings trump yours and you seem to believe that you need to avoid upsetting her for your own reasons. The problem with this is that you have every right to grieve this enormous loss in whatever way you need to.

I'm always really touched by the kind and thoughtful mumsnetters here - thank you all for your lovely words and wisdom. It means a lot.

It is also reassuring to hear that her behaviour was rather selfish and insensitive - I had wondered if I was being harsh wondering that myself. @Mamapep - i think you are right - she would be terrified for her sons, and of course I do acknowledge it is her right to back away as she can't deal with this emotionally. I guess I feel that if she had admitted that she needed the space, I would have respected her more. Bereavement is a lonely time.

@RobertsRadio - you are spot on - I have found that some amazing support have come from very unexpected friends and unfortunately my friend who i thought I could rely on for support can't/won't. At least I am lucky that she is the only close friend who has reacted this way and there has been many more friends who have absolute stars - and of course the lovely mumsnetters too.

I know that I need to take a step back from her as her absence is causing me more sadness - but it is very hard for me right now. In some ways I'd love to have a chat with her and ask her why she is behaving like that - but I know her well enough to know that she'd get upset and defensive - so ultimately it wouldn't really help and make us both feel upset and angry. I need to celebrate my true friends instead.

It's like people who cross the road because the don't know what to say when they see someone they know who has had a bereavement. Yes they do know what to say ! We all do. They just don't want to because they are Selfish . This is what your so called fair weather friend is . Selfish .

I feel very sad about the conclusion that I don't need her in my life - it feels like yet another loss.

I sympathise, OP. The last thing you need is another loss. Sadly, I think you have already lost the friendship you thought you had, in that she was never a true friend. Telling you not to talk to her about DS's death because it hurt her goes beyond selfishness: it was disgraceful.

But it is nice to have people who enjoy fun things with you. And if she brings joy to your life, and you can forgive her, you could always see her again when you feel stronger. (Though I don't think I would.)

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Im so sorry for your loss.

I could not stay friends with someone so heartless. Invest your precious time with people who genuinely care for you.

@PrimalIceScreamer
My deepest sympathy to you on the loss of your son. I have never suffered such a loss but I know the pain must be agonising.
That woman is not your friend.
Appreciate those that are.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your son and that your friend hasn’t been there for you .

I am so sorry about your son..and how your friend has reacted. I am in lreland and we have support groups for parents grieving for their children. People say the best support hey have got is from other parents in the same circumstances as often people have avoided them or backed off. Would there be a group you could access..if that would be any help?
Think your friendship with that woman has reached it's end.