Anyone else single at 38 and go on to have a family?

[Panicsingle]

I’m newly single and massively panicking about my future. I have always wanted a partner and a small family. Do I have time? Is 2-3 years enough to meet someone and have a baby? I did a fertility tests with a clinic which says all good. I’d love to hear from other people who were in my situation. Thank you.

Met at 37 and 6 months
Married at 38 and 6 months
First baby at 39 and 5 months after ttc 2 months
Second at 41 and 10 months after ttc 1 month.

How old is your partner?

The issue with these astro turf relationships is that there is little time to enjoy getting to know each other, it's all very geared up towards having children immediately.

Yes, I met ds's dad when I was 43, after I had long given up. Had ds at 45.

The chances of naturally conceiving at that age are less than 2% or so, you were extremely fortunate!

Met my husband speed dating at 40 (he was 47). Neither of us had lived with anyone previously.

Had a daughter at 42, married at 43.

It has been hard at times as we are both probably a bit set in our ways but we are still together and daughter 12 now. Quite a few women I know took a similar path in terms of age, timing.

I second the book “Calling in the one”! After that I met DH at 37.5, married at 38.5, we’ve now three children. Very happy!

I was single at 35, married at 37, had a miscarriage at 40 and baby at 41 and 10 months. Married 30 years. That baby is 25 and just got engaged.

Sorry OP....I'm going to be a slight downer.

Yes, absolutely it can happen.

But also, it can not happen.

I would say to think about your plans for both situations.

What will you do if you don't meet someone to have DC with?

Will you have a sperm donor?

If not, what can you fill your life with that will give you purpose and meaning and joy?

Three of my ten or so close friends have been in the 'not finding someone' camp or they found someone a couple of years older than you and are now 43 and having to accept IVF hasn't worked. They've been, understandably, devastated but the ones that thought through how they can make a life they love without children (while also continuing to put themselves out there in the meantime) have coped much better.

Met my husband at 36 (he was 38), married at 37, pregnant at 38, baby born when I was 39 and he was 41. That was almost 15 years ago now!

I'm the fourth by the way (so the 4th of 10 friends in a similar situation).

I actually met my DH at 33 but redundancies, miscarriages, both being out of work during the pandemic and now still financially unstable from that means I'm now 40 and still no DC.

It's looking less and less likely that life will work out to include DC for us so even meeting and marrying someone who also wants DC isn't the golden ticket to having children that it's seen as!

What @KohLanta said 100 times over.

Work on being happy in yourself so that you don't just accept any partner in your rush to have a baby. When you're happy in that, the right person will come along, that exactly what happened to me.

I was single between 33 and 36. Met DH and we had DD at almost 39. No issues at all conceiving! Although I will strongly suggest you look into egg freezing just to give yourself an option and take the pressure off a little and to make sure you take the time to meet the right partner not just any partner. Between 35 and 38, your eggs are much better quality than 39 onwards. Freeze them now and you don't have that worry.

Just to confirm. Still with DH 9 years later. Very very happy and have Dd5. Be picky, not in a rush OP.

Plan for both scenarios - you might well meet the love of your life soon, or you might not. If having DC is 100% non-negotiable for you, think about whether you'd use a sperm donor, or freeze your eggs, or whether you'd be OK with donor eggs (your own aren't a given in late 30s unfortunately - my fertility tests were all totally normal but it took 8 rounds of IVF in the end, unexplained infertility is v common).

I went to my oldest (longest standing) friend's 40th and she was so depressed to be single and childless - she'd had a couple of serious long term relationships but with younger men who wouldn't commit. She said she was sworn off men and was going to be a mad cat lady - we all told her not to give up and she'd find someone lovely, but she was adamant she was just going to accept it wasn't going to happen.

9 months later she met the most lovely man, got pregnant, got married (becoming a stepmother to two more children in the process) and is now a happily married mother of three. Don't give up!

I was and decided to do something proactive about it. So at 38 I joined an introduction agency (not online). Over the course of a year I met 13 men, all interesting in their own way. One I became good friends with and two others I dated for a few weeks. Then I met my husband (lucky 13) and the rest is history! I married at 40 and had two kids.

Op ought to have a proper medical consultation at a fertility clinic. Egg freezing isn't usually recommended to women over the age of 35 due to poor quality however individual circumstances can dictate otherwise. Egg freezing (and egg deforesting), isn't the panacea many would believe. Success rates measured by the number of live births is low. Embryo freezing (if you're fortunate to have harvested a good number of eggs to begin with which then fertilised into high quality embryos) has better outcomes.
Also @wheresmymojo has made some excellent points. Conception and carrying a pregnancy as well as a live birth aren't easy for all, and you don't know what your fertility is until you start trying.

*due to poor egg quality in comparison to younger women

There has been quite a lot in the news about more women in late thirties - and forties giving birth.

I think you need to be upfront about what you want with a new partner. Or consider going alone.

I had my DD late thirties, met DP when I was about 35. I didn’t bother with the marriage side - I knew he was a great man, and if our attempts to have children failed, I thought it better that we still had relationship options rather than being tied in to marriage. I had fertility issues so had IVF (my egg). Then at age 46 I had DS using egg donor. After initial concerns about whether I’d feel differently about my two children (one being my egg/one not) - I can say there is absolutely zero difference between the love I have, and I also didn’t feel like I had less energy in my forties compared to thirties.

So there are definitely options out there. You might have to get a bit creative, but with a bit of determination I think you’ll get your dream.

I did make a concerted effort to keep myself fit before both pregnancies, particularly the one in my mid/late forties. I was given regular checks due to my age, and had a c section. Personally the pregnancy/natural birth was more taxing in my thirties than my forties pregnancy.

I did a couch to 10k fitness programme before the egg donation and was running 10k two/three times a week. I would say it really helped (being a non runner previously).

Met my partner at 36 and talked about having children on our first date. we had both done a lot of work on ourselves being happy in our own skin before we met. We were very honest and upfront with each other. Unfortunately at 39 we discovered we had fertility issues. Going into our fifth round of IVF now. A friend did IVF solo as a single woman at 50 and has a beautiful baby. I would advise to not put fertility on the long finger waiting for a man if you want children x

Sorry my friend was 40 not 50!!

My advice is to think clearly about your priorities. Your fertility is about to drop off a cliff. By the time you are 40 your odds of conceiving are greatly reduced. Therefore, while looking for a partner, you also need a back up plan. First of all - it's worth assessing what matters to you most - if pushed against the wall would you prefer a life without a partner or a life without a child? If a partner is your priority then keep dating and looking and accept that while you might go on to have children, you very well might not (you might meet partner too late, they might not want a family etc). If a child is your priority then give yourself a time limit - I'd say 38 but 39 max, and then go it alone, via sperm donation or adoption or some other arrangement. You may go on to meet a partner in the future but its certainly not guaranteed (in my experience of single mothers by choice, it's a rarity). FWIW I don't know anyone who has become a solo mum and regretted it.

Oh yes, And re the poster above: you could always adopt or have egg donation later in life if you meet a partner when you're older, and create a family in that way. Again it is worth assessing how important it is to you to try for a child that is genetically related to you or whether you feel as happy with the other options.
Bear in mind that egg donation is not cheap (nor IVF with own gametes).

I was just turning 32 when I met my partner , and met and fell pregnant within 3-4 months (by choice) we new instantly that this was it for us. It can happen fast. But I also said if I didn't meet him, I'd have done it alone xx

I'm sure this is very well intentioned but meeting someone in early 30s and having a family is very different and much more common to doing so in late 30s!
This is just my view as a childless newly separated woman in mid thirties.