Affair

[Hillsidehigh]

I thought I was doing well. A week ago, whilst on holiday, I found out my husband of over 20 years had had a 3 month affair with a work colleague. We have 2 older dc. When we got home I asked him to leave, been looking at solicitors, thought I was coping. Today I’m a mess. I miss him and I hate myself for saying it. I feel so weak. He’s completely humiliated me. We’ve been through so much and I can’t believe he’s thrown it away for a mid life crisis fling. It’s over and he admits it was stupid but I’m struggling so much. Does it get better ? Can marriages be fixed.? Is it even worth it ? I just want advice from anyone who’s been in a similar situation. Thank you

I feel so fucking stupid

I'm so sorry, the hurt and pain is just awful. Some people can and do get past affairs. In my situation there was no physical affair but there online hook up sites etc. I tried to forgive and I regret it now and wish I'd ended it 3 years ago. But everyone is different. How did you find out about the affair? Did you find out accidentally or did he admit it off his own back? As I do think sometimes that can be one small positive as it shows they are truly remorseful and want to make things right. For me though, sadly it all just changed how I saw him as a person. He was always the one person that had my back and would never hurt me and now, no matter what he does or says, he'll never be that person again. Sending love to you, it's truly awful but it does get easier x

Thank you, I saw messages, usual story. I’m just a mess, thought I was doing well and being strong but I’ve crashed today

It’s ok to crash. You’re on a rollercoaster of emotion and there will be rises and dips.

On the bad days take care of you first - cry, sleep, shout, whatever you need.

You have done nothing wrong, the humiliation is not yours. The shame is his.

I wish you well x

I know two people whose spouses had an affair. Both decided to stay with their partners and to make it work. One of them, though, just couldn't get past what his wife did and they eventually split. The other couple are still together over 25 years later. So I think it depends on the individual's personality and maybe certain details of the affair.

As awful as this sounds I doubt this is first rodeo op just the first one you found out about.

I feel your pain and am in a similar position although I’m 9 months down the line - I am trying to make it work and have decided to stay with my husband - what I would say I’d try to get professional help - we had couples counselling and it helps - probably half of the time I want us to split up and half I want us to stay together - it’s so difficult and painful - keep strong hun

I stayed with my partner. He had an 18m affair. I tried my hardest to forget, to move past it and carry on. It seemed easier? I couldn't see how my life would be without him in it. I was scared to end it.

It took about a year to feel 'ok'. Less pain, functioning, able to enjoy his company again. Then another 2 years after that to actually feel like things were positive between us and I was less on edge. But I never really let go of the feeling of being stupid and lonely and the lack of respect I had for myself was the worst bit.

So, after several years (a couple more inappropriate messages found on his computer) I took a lover. Secretly but actually I never went out of my way to hide it particularly. It wasn't an official 'open relationship'.. but I couldn't let life and love pass me by. And I couldn't be the victim any more - I feel better about myself even if I am a cheat.

So in my case we found a way to get through it but ... it's not ideal. And there's been a lot of heartbreak. Wish I'd just left.

Thanks everyone, I’m just in limbo. I’m speaking to a solicitor this week. I’ve tried being strong for my kids and today it’s just got too much

One day at a time hun it’s up and down and will be for a while yet - good luck

What you're feeling and how your mind is processing this massive betrayal and the pain and humiliation are all valid and you have every right to scream and cry or just feel like your heart is dying silently inside you.

It's not just the feelings that come with the betrayal, it's the grief of losing the life you thought you had together and the comfort and safety of that.

The fact you didn't do the 'pick me' dance or beg him is testament to your strength and showed him you value yourself.

You were a whole person once before him and you will be again after him.

In the meantime, take care of yourself and remember that this was all his choice. He thought he was so clever he could get away with this but you were smarter and you caught him out. You didn't deserve this but he chose to do it anyway for his own stupid, selfish reasons.

Now you can take small steps in claiming back your self and the life you can have away from him. You never know what or who is around the corner althought right now the pain will be blinding to you.

Good luck, OP. I hope you are one of the ladies who comes back a year or so later to update and your new life is free and happy and full. 👑

It must be so so hard 20 years with someone you loved and trusted. This may be a controversial comment but I truly believe someone that loved you would never put themselves in a position to lose you. I would hold your head high, focus on yourself and go it children and sort things out with the solicitor - you’ve got this! Xx

It will be up and down. You will have good days and bad days. You're strong though and don't need him, you don't need a cheat. A year on and you'll be stronger than now and he'll be wishing he'd not been a complete twat.

I wasn’t married but In long term relationship. He cheated. I stayed . Eventually left as couldn’t get past the betrayal and once the trust is gone …

I feel a bit better today, I can’t get past his stupidity but that’s his problem not mine

It is ok to miss him or who you thought he was, its OK to feel anger and it's OK to flip between emotions. It doesn't make you weak it makes you human. You are in the midst of the grief cycle and your whole relationship has just been flipped on its head so be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to feel the emotions you do and allow yourself time to figure out what you want for you. Counselling may help you discuss the affair in a controlled environment when you are ready and if its what you want but only you two can decide if it is fixable. I thought ours was but as I've worked on me and my needs I realise it isn't. My life would be one of snooping, questioning and insecurity because of the level f deception to hide the affair from me. I know he would learn from his mistakes and been more secretive then before. I don't think may couples can survive an affair but the first thing that's needed is understanding why the affair came about and what he is doing to change the issues that lead him to it. Good luck op what ever you decide just be kind to yourself always

Thank you. He’s been hiding out in a travel lodge but I made him face me today to talk. I wanted answers. Usual midlife crisis bollocks - he liked the attention, it was exciting etc. I’m just so angry, what a stupid stupid man. It hasn’t helped that today is one of our dc’s birthdays and we normally would have done something as a family.
But I’m not a mug, and I’m strong, and I’ll get through this.

Good for you OP. Hope your day is going as ok as possible

They’re 17 and 21 and they know, though he did lie to their faces at first

I’m so sorry OP. I am in the same situation - husband of 7 years (been together 15 and have a 4yo DD) had an affair with a work colleague. I discovered it about a month ago. There’s no one size fits all, but what has been helping us (we’ve decided to stay together and work through it) was therapy (seperately), reading Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass together and lots of honest and open conversations. He admitted everything, keeps his phone open and available for me to look at anytime I have a wobble, ceased all contact with the AP (who is also relocating abroad so there will be no further contact). It’s a hard road but I feel like it’s working for us so far. But it’s reliant on him being open about what happened, accepting full responsibility and taking steps to change his behaviour, rebuild trust and address the vulnerabilities that led to the affair. Sending 💐

Thank you everyone for your support, it means a lot

Not a full blown affair but I found my h on a dating website at the end of May. Same old story, he was lonely, he did for an ego boost, he never messaged anybody blah blah. We did have a counselling session but it looked at what had led him to do this and that was my fault for not giving him the attention he needs, we didnt have a second session. For how betrayed I feel he may as well had a full blown affair (I do not know the extent of his betrayal only what I saw).

I went back and forth for a fair few weeks and was in emotional turmoil over it - should I stay should I go, it made me ill with anxiety. In the end my head knew it had to happen, I would never ever trust a word he said again. It has been 4 weeks since we last spoke and he was dating again after two weeks. I am so angry with him, like you are with your, for throwing our marriage away. He gave me no choice but to end it (somehow though he thinks he is the victim here) and we had so much to look forward to.

My head knows, absolutely knows it is the right thing to do but my heart is taking longer to catch up and it hurts, really hurts. He has managed to move on in weeks and I could happily kill him, yet I know he will never be truly happy as he likes to have his ego massaged by women and will always be on the hunt. I meanwhile am licking my wounds quietly. For me once the trust has gone it has gone forever and I refuse to waste time looking over my shoulder and being paranoid and suspicious, it is not the life I want for myself no man is worth that. You have my sympathy it is truly shit

I’m too angry to make any decision at the moment, I can’t even look at him. It was a pointless fling too, couldn’t go anywhere, she’s moving away. I just don’t understand