Affair

[Hillsidehigh]

I thought I was doing well. A week ago, whilst on holiday, I found out my husband of over 20 years had had a 3 month affair with a work colleague. We have 2 older dc. When we got home I asked him to leave, been looking at solicitors, thought I was coping. Today I’m a mess. I miss him and I hate myself for saying it. I feel so weak. He’s completely humiliated me. We’ve been through so much and I can’t believe he’s thrown it away for a mid life crisis fling. It’s over and he admits it was stupid but I’m struggling so much. Does it get better ? Can marriages be fixed.? Is it even worth it ? I just want advice from anyone who’s been in a similar situation. Thank you

I think you have to let the raw emotions settle. The anger may fade a little soon and you will be able to see things more clearly. For me it was the battle of my head against my heart - I love him (my heart says) but I will never trust him again (my head says) and the conflict was horrible, agony in fact. It was second marriage for us and we didnt have DC together, we also had separate houses (were planning on moving in together next year when my eldest left for Uni) so it was very easy to detangle our lives. I just feel for you it is a horrible position to be in. Take your time. What does he want to do? What was your relationship like otherwise? Despite loving my h very much we argued a lot over stupid things. We were quite volatile as a couple, had we had a rock solid relationship maybe I would have fought harder to save it but in the end it wasnt worth the effort to try and forgive.

I thought we had a solid relationship, we were affectionate, we had sex, we both work ft and have no money worries. His job takes him away a lot though - hence the affair and thinking he’d get away with it. Clearly his safe, stable life wasn’t exciting enough. I’m sure his affair was escapism but he can’t escape it now.

My god men are so predictable aren't they?
I know namalt.
My ex did this to me after 11 years together although we weren't married and didn't have children l remember the feeling of humiliation and we lived in a small town so everyone knew about it once it was discovered so couldn't escape it.
OP l am so sorry - you are probably experiencing a bit of bereavement as well.
Give yourself as much time as you need to come to terms with this awful shock xx

I understand. And I recognise I’m still in the very early stages (reflected by how I feel every day). But for me, processing it means jumping in and taking action - that’s just the type of person I am. I certainly haven’t forgiven and I haven’t fully committed to the idea of staying together. But that’s what we’re working towards and so far, things are (very gradually) improving.

He wants to meet today and is trying to wheedle his way back in by being nice as pie so I told him no. He’s clearly lied to the ow too, told her the usual ‘im so unhappy in my marriage’ guff. It’s textbook. But she knew he was still married, her profile pic was them together ! She’s not my problem though.

OP

I think the fact he is still in a Travel Lodge - makes me think he moved out quickly to appease you - in his mind, thought it would all blow over after a cooling down period. You would realise how much you miss him and he would return home.

In his mind - the affair didn't mean that much to him, knowing the OW was leaving. Thought it would never come out. Makes me think he is able to compartmentalise his life.

Due to the fact he works away from home a lot. Do you believe this was his first time cheating?
He didn't come clean about this you found out, then he lied about it.

Get ready to see a very different side to him when he realises things are not going to be going back to his nice stable life with you.

I’m expecting that. He’s completely put things in boxes. I don’t think the enormity of what he’s done has sunk in. I don’t know about others but I’m preparing myself.

It won't be the first time, just the first time he got caught.

Ego boost is what they all say, he did it because he wanted to. He'd do it again. Just wishes he hadn't got caught.

Good luck OP. Don't let him mess with your head, you can do better.

"He wants to meet today"

Just because he wants to meet and talk to you, doesn't mean you have to.

Meet him, on a day and time that suits you. I would tell him, busy today and you call the shots when you are free to talk to to him. If he wants to talk to you, make him fit into your plans.

Take a bit of control back. It will empower you!

I am doing, I’m not a doormat. I think he was hoping it would all blow over. Did a lot of crying yesterday, and yes I’m grieving the life I thought I had. Feeling stronger today though, going to sit in his home office and get a load of work done. Thank you everyone, means a lot