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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is anyone awake? Struggling tonight!

41 replies

Lucelove · 14/08/2022 23:56

So my partner left me on Thursday night, and currently I am staying on my mums sofa until I find somewhere to rent (got viewings on Tuesday so hopefully asap).
My mums house is 60 miles away from where I lived with my ex and that’s where my job is, so I am facing that commute in the morning and have to be up at 5am for it.
I called into work on Friday and didn’t go in, so tomorrow is the first day of it and I just feel sick. It’s now nearly midnight and I’m still wide awake on the sofa, just feeling heartbroken and knowing that tomorrow (as well as being tired) I’m going to be crying all the way to work, especially when I have to drive past our house on the way.
I just feel hopeless, and think I just need some kind words maybe! I just don’t feel like this will ever get better, even though I know it will. Breakups are shit and I love my ex so much and don’t want the breakup, but I have to accept his decision. I think I’m still in shock that this came out of the blue. I have barely eaten or slept since Thursday (and with the heatwave I’ve spent a lot of time in pubs and the garden with friends and family and have drank far too much), and I feel like I am going to crash so hard tomorrow.
can anyone help me feel better xxx

OP posts:
spinachmonster · 15/08/2022 00:03

Sorry to hear this, feel so bad for you 😢 Try to remember this is the worst bit and you are already getting through it. Can you treat yourself to something nice tomorrow just to make the day a tiny bit easier? Really hope you feel better soon. Flowers

CrowFriend · 15/08/2022 00:05

That sounds totally shit. But this too shall pass. You will get through this and look back and think ‘ how the fuck did I do that’.
but you will prevail! Big girl pants and all that x

Hiddenvoice · 15/08/2022 00:08

I’m sorry you’re going through this! Such a horrible time for you but you’re incredibly strong for being honest about your feelings.
Its hard to think about it now but it will pass and you’ll be surprised to see how well you coped with it and soon you’ll see it’s for the best.
Each day will get a little easier, once tomorrow morning commute is done then it will get a bit better . I agree with a pp, you should treat yourself to something tomorrow.

AlansFungalFootPowder · 15/08/2022 00:09

What a horrible time 😓. I really feel for you going through this. So difficult when it’s not what you want. But you will get through this, one step at a time.

Just some suggestions for now:

Could you drink some extra water before sleeping?

Make sure your alarms are set for the morning.

Write down how you are feeling - could do it on your phone for privacy.

Put a couple of damp flannels in the fridge for puffy eyes in the morning.

Consider calling in sick again tomorrow if you are not safe to drive all that way in such an (understandably) emotional state.

Remember that it’s going to feel awful, but there are brighter days ahead.

So sorry this has happened x

FetchezLaVache · 15/08/2022 00:09

Holding your hand.

You didn't want the break-up, but it's happened and FWIW, I think you're right to accept it and push on with your life rather than try to change his mind. You are a strong, dignified woman.

This too shall, as PP said, pass. But please don't drive to work if there's any chance you'll still be over the limit. Have you told your boss what has happened?

Yellowshirt · 15/08/2022 00:15

You will get through it. I didn't want to lose my Ex wife but I also knew if she didn't love me for the person I was I would be better off single.
I didn't no how I was going to survive as I lost everything. But 4 years later I'm still here.
My daughter is 17 now and she doesnt no this but she kept me going.
You need to stick two fingers up to him and keep yourself busy. .

Marmitemother · 15/08/2022 00:16

It's just so hard isn't it? Please try to eat and drink as it will help. Deal with one thing at a time and just hold your head up taking baby steps to a different future than the one you envisioned. You are still in shock. It is early days.

Can I ask why if your partner left you, why you are now at your mum's?

Macbeth8 · 15/08/2022 00:16

What was the reason for the break up?
Is it something that is fiaxable or maybe a bit of space between you could work?

Original poster
Lucelove · 15/08/2022 00:21

Thank you <3 My partner owns the house, he owned it before we met. So I had to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lucelove · 15/08/2022 00:25

I definitely think it’s fixable, we had an argument over a little thing, and we rarely argue, but apparently that was enough to make him not want it anymore. I’ve reached out to him and told him I don’t want the relationship to end, and just want to go for coffee or a walk to talk things through, but he has told me not to contact him. He has been very upset and was crying when we last spoke, so even though he has been so abrupt and harsh I know he is hurting about it and does care. Which is another reason why I’m so confused. But I don’t want to push it, I’ve said I want to be with him and want to talk but I can’t contact him again if he’s told me not to :(

OP posts:
RaisinGhost · 15/08/2022 00:32

That's strange. Do you think his upset over what you say was a small thing was genuine, or has he maybe been going off the relationship for a while but didn't really have a good reason, and he has been waiting for/hoping something like this to happen?

Hiddenvoice · 15/08/2022 00:33

That’s so hard but hopefully there is still a chance for you two.
Could you try write him a letter? You could explain your feelings, talk about the argument and possible next steps. In the letter you could suggest to go a walk or meet for a coffee to try clear the air and see if there’s a chance for you two. This way you can express yourself without having to text or phone him when he wants some space.

Marmitemother · 15/08/2022 00:34

@Lucelove thanks for clarifying rehousing and agree, don't contact him. He may need time to come round.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 15/08/2022 00:52

Could you book some annual leave if that would help at all?

He may be upset and crying because he genuinely doesn't want to hurt you but it doesn't mean he wants the relationship to continue. He probably does care about you, he's just enough to stay together.

Surround yourself with friends, family, put your free time into hobbies and activities that make you feel good. It's shite but it will get better, it always does.

FetchezLaVache · 15/08/2022 01:07

I am so sorry, OP, but I think you need to prepare yourself for the eventuality that this was orchestrated and there is another woman waiting in the wings.

I hope I'm wrong, but...

Pyewhacket · 15/08/2022 01:13

Big hug. I know it feels shit but it will pass. Take each day at a time. Be good to yourself. Give yourself time to heal and don't do anything silly.

HaloMother333 · 15/08/2022 01:20

You will get through this!! xx

Cyclemarine · 15/08/2022 01:56

FetchezLaVache · 15/08/2022 01:07

I am so sorry, OP, but I think you need to prepare yourself for the eventuality that this was orchestrated and there is another woman waiting in the wings.

I hope I'm wrong, but...

Yep that’s what I was thinking.

sounds like your ex has a bit of conscience and knows he hasn’t been very fair to you, but still it does appear orchestrated. Seems he just wants to move on and/or there’s another woman.

Either way it speaks volumes that he would end it so abruptly and make you uproot yourself. You would probably never really feel secure again if you did get back unless he can provide a very good reason for this.

AlternativelyWired · 15/08/2022 02:39

I'm sorry this has happened to you Flowers How long were you together? Do you want to rant to us on here about him or what happened? Were things actually really good or have you told yourself they were? I ask because I've done that many times and o my realised afterwards. In my last relationship, towards the end, I wrote down all his good points-there were many; and all his bad points-there were far too many, and wondered wtf I was doing. That was 4.5 years ago and I've been happily single since. Relationships aren't for me and I'm happy with that. People on here always recommend spending time on yourself after a break up and I agree. Do what you love and treat yourself. It might be something that costs nothing like a long bubble bath and a lie in or a walk on the beach or in the hills or whatever is near you. Your favourite comfort foods and the shoulder of a good friend or your mum. Take time and be kind to yourself. Make that list and be honest with yourself. You might be surprised with what you write down. Sending you a hand to hold , a hot chocolate and cake CakeBrew

daisychain01 · 15/08/2022 04:13

FetchezLaVache · 15/08/2022 01:07

I am so sorry, OP, but I think you need to prepare yourself for the eventuality that this was orchestrated and there is another woman waiting in the wings.

I hope I'm wrong, but...

I second this ^

Sorry to say it OP but nobody gives up a strong relationship over a small argument. There's either a big back story that your small argument was just the straw that broke the camel's back and there was a previous history of lots of rows, or the alternative is that he has manufactured this situation to give him the reason to let you go, and the reason behind it is there is someone else waiting in the background.

You're in a bad place now, not least of all because you're homeless. Once you get settled with a place of your own, things will feel more positive and you'll realise it was for the best. You just need a bit of time to process this change that feels like it's come out of the blue, but was probably bubbling under for a while. Get your work situation sorted out, that's your stability.

Original poster
Lucelove · 15/08/2022 05:43

Morning everyone,
I’ve just gotten in the car now about to set off for work. One of the worst things which I hadn’t thought about until now is that my car is still packed full of all my belongings, I haven’t been able to face unpacking it and I don’t even have anywhere to put it. So that hurts, but no tears yet so I’m doing well lol.

I’ve not really had any sleep, I contemplated phoning into work again but realised that if I do I will just feel shitty at home all day, I may as well go to work and feel shitty all day there instead and get paid for it. I want to speak to my manager about what’s happened and ask if I can have a weeks holiday asap, but I know I will break down if I try and talk to them, plus we are so short staffed and have so many people off already that I know I won’t be able to have any time off anyway.

I don’t think I’ll be able to eat anything again today, but my plan is to stop on the way to work and get a few energy drinks (needed) and also some milkshakes just to get some calories in. Also need to hydrate myself. I must just be running off pure adrenaline at the moment, I have no idea how I am functioning with no sleep and no food for days.

Thank you for your messages so far ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
Lucelove · 15/08/2022 05:47

He said he’s been feeling unsure about things for a while, and that the argument just tipped it over the edge. He said he ended it in anger but the way I reacted made him sure it was the right thing to do. I wish I reacted better and calmer, but at the end of the day of course I am going to be upset at hearing that out of the blue. And I have apologised for getting so upset and arguing

OP posts:
Original poster
Lucelove · 15/08/2022 05:51

I would love to write a letter but I feel like I’d feel crazy doing that after being blocked everywhere. I do have a beauty subscription box that will be delivered to his house in the next couple of days, I tried to change the address but it had already been dispatched. As sad as it sounds, I know he will need to contact me to let me know he’s got a package and I’m hoping that might start a conversation

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 15/08/2022 07:29

Hope the drive to work went okay. Good idea with trying to energise and hydrate yourself! Tonight, try go for a walk, it’s a great way to unwind and help your mind focus.
Still write the letter, In fact write a few letters. Write a very soppy one, an angry one and one full on explaining how you feel. It will help you understand the emotions and get it out of your mind. Based on the way it’s ended, I wouldn’t post them just yet. I’d give him space and yourself a few days to see how you feel. You’ll go through a load of emotions over the next week and you will hit anger. Giving yourself some time away from him will be hard but will give you some perspective about him and your relationship. Once you know how you feel and it settles down a bit, if you still want to contact him then either send him a message or write a new letter.

You could still chat to your manager to explain what’s happened over the last few days, just to keep them in the loop and maybe explain your feeling low.

Hope today goes well for you!

Marmitemother · 15/08/2022 07:35

@Lucelove How long have you been together and what was the argument about? Do you feel your anger at the time was justified?

Try to concentrate on work to take your mind off the situation.