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Original poster

Husband - miscarriage - shed a few cells

34 replies

julie123098 · 14/08/2022 20:01

Hi all

We've just suffered a second miscarriage this year, this one in was at 11 weeks (still bleeding it started last Thursday) - I've been heartbroken. We saw the baby's heart beat at 7 weeks.

My husband shared today that he is unemotional about it he said quote it's a foetus, different to a baby - "if you want me to feel something when someone shed a few cells... It just doesn't move me" . It cuts me so deeply.

He said he doesn't believe life begins at conception - that we feel differently about the sanctity of life in pregnancy. He said "his views have been shaped by 6 years of learning about human biology"

We're already having counselling for so many other issues. I just feel so alone in this. He also said when I asked him what unites us? He said at this stage nothing. I don't know what I am asking here but I wonder perhaps if anyone has been through something similar.

To me our baby's life did begin at conception, the fact that this time around there was a heartbeat which we both saw makes me feel so sad that he can think that. He did have joy in the moment and the irony is he really wants us to have children, lots of them (we haven't got any yet). I just don't know how we could get beyond this. It makes me not want to have children with him as it feels so cold and heartless.

Thank you

OP posts:
Hugasauras · 14/08/2022 20:05

He's entitled to think and believe what he wants, but he sounds utterly unsupportive. Even if he views it as a bunch of cells, he knows you don't and should respect that. He sounds very uncaring Sad

Greensleeves · 14/08/2022 20:07

I would have neither counselling nor sex with this utter thundercunt. His attitude is so pompous, cold-hearted and mean, it's made me really fucking angry. You should be too.

pumpkinpie01 · 14/08/2022 20:07

Aw you poor thing , that's horrible after seeing the heartbeat 🙁. His comment is very thoughtless, he should have kept that to himself . Is he comforting you ?

stuntbubbles · 14/08/2022 20:10

Greensleeves · 14/08/2022 20:07

I would have neither counselling nor sex with this utter thundercunt. His attitude is so pompous, cold-hearted and mean, it's made me really fucking angry. You should be too.

This with bells on.

I’m so sorry. He doesn’t have to feel the same way about miscarriage as you do but he should be supportive and sympathetic and empathetic and generally not a cruel wanker. Flowers

Whadda · 14/08/2022 20:10

It makes me not want to have children with him

What made you want to have children with him? It sounds like your relationship isn’t in a good place- bringing a child into it may not be the best idea.

Greensleeves · 14/08/2022 20:10

I know MNers hate it when people do this - but my autistic 19yo has just read your OP, and his response is "what's wrong with him? Maybe he should "feel something" because his wife is upset?"

This isn't normal, OP.

Luredbyapomegranate · 14/08/2022 20:11

Do you think he’s trying to hide or manage his grief or is he just not able to be a supportive partner?

Whether either of you think life begins at conception is beside the point, you lost the baby you would have had in 6 months time.

If this was your only problem you’d probably get through it, but if there are a lot of other issues, it might be an idea to go back to counselling and work out if you really want to be together, or whether (painful though it maybe) you should move on. It might be that you just have massively different communication styles and you have yo work on that. But he also needs to investigate why he can’t support you right now, or admit to the deep disappointment (at the very least) he is actually feeling.

girlmom21 · 14/08/2022 20:12

He's being a massive tosser.

I'm sorry you're going through this alone x

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 14/08/2022 20:14

Even if he isn't upset, he should understand why you are, and why it's not normal for him to not be upset. I'm really sorry OP, do you have other real life support? It could help you to talk about this with someone in person x

Insomniac2507 · 14/08/2022 20:20

Just from a scientific perspective - Even if he believes life doesn't begin at conception, surely he can understand that it's more than a few cells at 11weeks? In fact, it's only a few cells for the first few days after conception. At 11 weeks it has started developing tissues and organs, so his biology clearly isn't that good! Sorry for your loss, you deserve a more supportive husband xxx

Honeyroar · 14/08/2022 20:21

Surely this massive lack of support and empathy is the final straw if you are also needing counselling for other things. I think the term is flogging a dead horse.

OriginalUsername2 · 14/08/2022 20:24

What's the point in having a partner if they don’t fulfil the purpose of a partner..? Mutual support, being on the same team.. are you feeling these things from him, despite his different beliefs?

MyBottomDecides · 14/08/2022 20:24

Completely agree he could have been far more supportive. I do wonder whether his own grief is pushing him into a hyper-rational place though. I'm normally very emotionally alive but under extreme pressure I've behaved as if emotions don't impinge at all. Could be a coping strategy for him. Doesn't lessen the loss and alienation for you. I'm so sorry for yoyr loss - have been through very similar.

DoItAfraid · 14/08/2022 20:51

Honeyroar · 14/08/2022 20:21

Surely this massive lack of support and empathy is the final straw if you are also needing counselling for other things. I think the term is flogging a dead horse.

@julie123098 I am very sorry for your loss 💐.

i agree with the quote above. Even if he is masking his grief or whatever, he does need to be much more empathetic and supportive to you. Is he always like this?

could you raise this in counselling?

DappledThings · 14/08/2022 21:00

It's a totally unempathetic response. When I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks we were both devastated. And in all honesty I didn't really feel like I'd lost a baby, it was cells. But that wasn't the point. What I had lost was a huge imagined future from that point. I had lost what was going to be a baby and everything that meant. And the biology of it meant nothing compared to how that felt.

Whether I had felt it was life at the point of conception or not wouldn't have made it any more or less devastating for either of us.

I'm sorry OP, it's a horrible thing to go through and even more so without that support.

StephenSurrey · 14/08/2022 21:07

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 14/08/2022 21:12

You really dont sound as if youre on the same page. His feelings (or views) are as valid as yours, but the lack of care for a partner is astonishing.

Original poster
julie123098 · 14/08/2022 21:25

He has different views on abortion and the sanctity of life to me. He brought this up too in the conversation.

I don't think he means to be cold and heartless but it certainly comes across that way. There hasn't been any further support this evening after the conversation - to top it off it's my birthday last week so we were meant to be celebrating this weekend so it's not been a nice way to end it.

I have just spoken to my parents and they have helped - my dad said men do grieve in different ways and it does affect men differently (my parents had two miscarriages). They want us to keep working on our marriage. I feel terribly alone, I'm not going to lie. I hope we can get through this and will keep working on it but this is just one small thing I won't go into the many others.

He said after he said that he feel I 'bated him' into saying that, but he hasn't shared any of his views and I just asked him how he felt about the miscarriage etc.

I understand men may think of it differently but it still hurts to hear that especially when it's so raw ie I'm still bleeding.

I'm very emotional and have been struggling. I think I need to go on antidepressants right now or something like that as so up and down - feeling pretty overwhelmed but will try speak to my doctor tomorrow.

Thank you for replying to the thread x

OP posts:
Original poster
julie123098 · 14/08/2022 21:30

@MyBottomDecides - that might be the case he is over rationalising it as a coping mechanism, he has adhd too I don't know if that comes into it. I'm sorry for your loss also. Flowers

OP posts:
Whadda · 14/08/2022 21:32

They want us to keep working on our marriage

What do you want? This really isn’t your parents’ call.

FMSucks · 14/08/2022 21:34

I had 3 miscarriages in 6 months, one at 14 weeks which required surgery. I have never been so low and vulnerable in my life. My exdh (you’ll notice I said ex) was only able to pat me on my shoulder and tell me he was sorry. After the surgery myself and my DS who was 2 at the time spent a week recovering in my parents house as he couldn’t (wouldn’t in my eyes) take time off work. I have never nor will I ever forgive him for his lack of caring, support and empathy towards me at such a painful time in my life.

Your DH’s comment about nothing uniting you at such a tough time for you is beyond vile. Please think very carefully about having children with this man. He is not a kind loving partner.

Please be gentle with yourself OP. It’s a very tough time for you. I wish you well x

Original poster
julie123098 · 14/08/2022 21:35

@Whadda I want to keep working on it. I don't want to give up on our marriage over this or any other issue but that doesn't make it any less hard. We are having counselling. Hopefully we can look back on this difficult chapter in the future. I have hope, but as I say it doesn't make it any less hard in the moment and I'm just adjusting views and still learning about him I guess - hope that makes sense.

OP posts:
bloodyunicorns · 14/08/2022 21:44

If your already having counselling for loss of other issues, I suggest your relationship is not in the best place to bring a baby into it.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Sandcastlesinthesky · 14/08/2022 21:45

I think huge amounts of men don’t actually get how upsetting miscarriages are for women. Some are better at hiding it than others. I had one about your gestation ( also after seeing a heartbeat) and dh wasn’t that understanding until I went in for medical management and the nurses were SO caring prepping me for it, explaining what would happen to the baby and telling me about a special service at the crematorium they offered. Having said that your DH sounds very cold and blatant with it. I would be concerned about having a child with him because even in healthy, successful pregnancies, women need a lot of support, particularly if you’ve had losses.

oke · 14/08/2022 21:46

@julie123098 I was going to say you can move past this cold comment but you say you have other issues. He really didn't need to be so rude about it, there was no need. I think this might be time to rethink things.

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