Husband - miscarriage - shed a few cells

[julie123098]

Hi all

We've just suffered a second miscarriage this year, this one in was at 11 weeks (still bleeding it started last Thursday) - I've been heartbroken. We saw the baby's heart beat at 7 weeks.

My husband shared today that he is unemotional about it he said quote it's a foetus, different to a baby - "if you want me to feel something when someone shed a few cells... It just doesn't move me" . It cuts me so deeply.

He said he doesn't believe life begins at conception - that we feel differently about the sanctity of life in pregnancy. He said "his views have been shaped by 6 years of learning about human biology"

We're already having counselling for so many other issues. I just feel so alone in this. He also said when I asked him what unites us? He said at this stage nothing. I don't know what I am asking here but I wonder perhaps if anyone has been through something similar.

To me our baby's life did begin at conception, the fact that this time around there was a heartbeat which we both saw makes me feel so sad that he can think that. He did have joy in the moment and the irony is he really wants us to have children, lots of them (we haven't got any yet). I just don't know how we could get beyond this. It makes me not want to have children with him as it feels so cold and heartless.

Thank you

I’m so very sorry op for all that you have been through 💐❤️

He ultimately needs to realise that it’s not just about his feelings on the matter, you have been carrying these pregnancies, you have had to deal with the hormonal rollercoaster as well as the physical side of things. It’s simply unfair and well as grossly insensitive for him to downplay what you have been through because he has decided it’s not a big deal to him. And he has the brass neck to vocalise it to his wife, who has been to hell and back mentally and physically.

Now is the time for him to be there for you, to be supportive and carry you through the dark times. I hope that he steps up to the plate for you and that you’re doing much better very soon. Lots of love to you ❤️

Am so sorry for your loss.

I always think when women are saying they are debating seeing the DR to go on antidepressants are they actually depressed or living with an intolerable twat?

He should care. Even if he believes differently to you. You have lost a particular future and that is sad.

It's one thing for him to have his own beliefs and not feel the same emotions that as you do. Understandable in fact. It's entirely different to discredit your experience and feelings.

Seeing a partner struggling with loss, regardless of his relation to it and not being there to support them is a massive red flag.

I am very sorry for your loss, OP, though I have no strong moral feelings about the actual sanctity of life per se at that stage. Miscarriage is the loss of the child you hoped to have - it doesn't just come down to the question of what stage a foetus becomes a baby.

I'm afraid that if I were you I'd be wondering why strangers on the internet are showing more sympathy and understanding for your loss than your own husband is.

Wait until his Willy falls off, and then say you can't feel sad about the loss of a few cells.
yes I know that doesn't make sense, but you can get what I'm saying I hope!

Two things.
One, stay on contraception. Having children is a strong and natural biological drive BUT the number of sad cases on here where people ask, "If he was like this years ago, WHY did you have kids with him?" and the sad reply comes, "I thought he would change when...". I've seen this in my own family too.

Two, why is he not shitting himself that his heartless behaviour will be the last straw? Why is "working at the marriage" apparently yet another 'female' chore, like coordinating curtains with the rest of the room? Sometimes when life is stressful, yes we do have to put a bit of effort into still being polite to our spouses, BUT marriage should feel "right", it should be a positive thing that helps us. It's not bleeding GCSEs or driving lessons, it shouldn't BE "work"! Crucially, it should not rely on someone changing, because ... well. How many people do you know IN REAL LIFE who have changed significantly? It's rare because it's very difficult.

Excuse this slightly incoherent rant, but, just... Avoid the sunk costs fallacy. If you know in your heart of hearts that ideally you'd go back in a time machine and not marry him in the first place, then don't "work on it", do the right thing and set yourselves BOTH free. I am older than you. Beyond childbearing. Old enough to have had it very strongly born in upon me that this life? It is all we have, and it is very short.

I'm so sad to hear this. When I had a MC at 11wks, exH (note the EX!) said similar. Couldn't understand why I was so upset over a bunch of cells, it wasn't exactly a baby was it?

So I divorced him as he clearly wasn't on board and not remotely good father material if he could say that. Four years later was married again with two DS who are in their 20s now. Best thing I ever did - even if I divorced exH#2 as well 😆

I think this is true- it isn’t as much about whether the foetus is a baby or a bunch of cells- it is the grief associated with loosing the dreams you’d already put in place about the future with this baby.

he has been very unemotional about this. But I also know that many potential fathers just cannot relate to their future child until it is born. Especially when it is their first born and the whole thing is still so abstract. They are not aware of it in the same way as the mother is in terms of changes to her body. For the pregnant women you are very aware there is life. For many men it remains an abstract notion right up to when they first see and hold their child. For some men bonding takes even longer into the babies first few months. Don’t forget this also applies to women- some women take weeks to bond with their baby or even months if PND is a similar factor. I always think it is odd how we accept a mother ape or sheep “rejected” their offspring but not humans .

yes, he is a heartless prat for speaking to you like that. But he is not unusual in being unlikely to feel it in the same way as you, especially if it is a first child. Tackle the issue as him being thoughtless and un empathetic to you and your feelings and emotions and how upset that has left you feeling. Talk about it in terms of your feelings specifically at all times. Don’t make it about what he is thinking or feeling about the pregnancy or baby- he isn’t going to change that as to him it is still a “concept”.

Yep, that pretty much sums up my feeling as well.

@julie123098 I'm so very sorry about your losses & just as sorry you're going through it alone.

he's a heartless shit that you should divorce before you do have a baby with him & are tied to him for 20 years!!

meet someone who cares about you & your feelings. You may even find getting pregnant & taking that to term is more successful with a different partner.

it shouldn't be difficult to avoid sex with this dickhead, do that, one if you move out & get a divorce!