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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I date him?

43 replies

star70 · 14/08/2022 19:56

I have formed a strong friendship with a a man who created and runs a social activities group. He told me he gets nothing out of the group but does it to help others as he is passionate about helping people with social anxiety to help make friends.

He has said some women have asked him out but they are usually not his type and a lot older. He did date a woman a while back from the group and she got insecure and kept asking him if he fancies the women from the photos of events he hosted. She would also accuse him of setting up the group to date women and he said that is not the case. He did get possessive when a man in the group started talking to this woman he was dating and he would send him messages or have digs at his comments on group posts.

We have such a strong connection and it's highly likely we will become a couple. He said he still wants to go to the group when he gets a partner but his exes have all had a problem with him meeting new people through the group. I would never stop or restrict him from going to the group as he said it has helped him recently as his friends have all settled down and getting out has helped with some bereavement. I also admire that he wants to people.

I just can't help feel anxious sometimes that some of these women would throw themselves at him even though I should trust him. I am also still a member of social activities groups elsewhere and wonder if he would try and stop me going to those even though I have made some great friends.

Just wondered how people would feel their partner ran a social group?

OP posts:
Rogue1001MNer · 14/08/2022 20:03

No problem about running a social group.

HUUUUGE problem with
He did get possessive when a man in the group started talking to this woman he was dating and he would send him messages or have digs at his comments on group posts.

Mumofnarnia · 14/08/2022 20:21

Speaking from experience, a couple of red flags here.
I’d be wary about anyone who claims ALL their exes are the problem. Whilst this could be true, I’ve found it extremely unlikely. As has been said above, if he got possessive about a woman he was dating talking to a man and started sending him messages and have digs at his comment posts…. That really is a step too far. I am getting the feeling he has been extremely possessive in previous relationships and the women have chosen to ditch him not the other way around. The fact he says all his exes had a problem with him meeting new people seems odd, many jealous people will try to turn the situation around to make it appear their exes were the problem and not them.

Dery · 14/08/2022 20:21

If all his exes have had a problem with his behaviour in the past, that suggests to me that his behaviour may be a problem. He is after all the common factor here. I suspect he’s making clear that he likes to flirt with incoming women and he doesn’t want to face any objections to that. After all - you say you have such a strong connection with him and you’re clearly not the first.

This is not to say don’t date him but it would be sensible to proceed with caution. He sounds like someone who may like the chase and associated drama, including vying with other men in the group in some kind of stag-like alpha male stand-off, rather than the reality of a relationship and respecting his partner.

star70 · 14/08/2022 20:26

I think he can be a jealous guy. He said some exes have cheated on him which he said he has been cheated on 5 times. One was a domestic abuser. He has said 2 exes split amicably and they were good people. I just wish I knew what lead these women to say they don't want him running a social group or why did they cheat which I am not blaming him for their straying and cheating.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 14/08/2022 20:31

He said he still wants to go to the group when he gets a partner but his exes have all had a problem with him meeting new people through the group.

Why would all his exes have this problem if it wasn't a cause for concern?

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 14/08/2022 20:31

No for goodness sake don't get involved with him!

DatingDinosaur · 14/08/2022 20:51

He told you all this did he?

Sounds like he’s playing on people’s vulnerabilities to sucker them in (his pity me stories). Then sussing out how jealous future partners might be in a pre-emptive control and manipulation move.

I’d be giving him a wide berth.

Mumofnarnia · 14/08/2022 20:53

star70 · 14/08/2022 20:26

I think he can be a jealous guy. He said some exes have cheated on him which he said he has been cheated on 5 times. One was a domestic abuser. He has said 2 exes split amicably and they were good people. I just wish I knew what lead these women to say they don't want him running a social group or why did they cheat which I am not blaming him for their straying and cheating.

Honestly, if I was in your situation…. Something does at quite sit right.
One of the first signs of an abusive relationship is possessiveness and jealousy. Yes a little bit of jealousy is harmless and completely natural…. But to the point where he is sending a man messages and making snarky comments on his posts just because he dared to talk to a woman he was dating tells me there is something more to it than just a bit of jealousy. My partner can be a little bit jealous but he would always talk to me about it and would never stop me going anywhere and having a life.
If you’re worried he might try to stop you going to groups you are a member of… that’s even worse as that’s controlling. It would be interesting to hear all his exes version of events and if they actually cheated on or abused him. Not saying he’s telling lies but just from what you’re saying my gut tells me you’ve only heard one side of the story.

Twawmyarse · 14/08/2022 20:53

So many red flags here it's impossible to untangle them all!

He sounds like he is desperately trying to present a certain image of himself to you and vet you to see if you're another "jealous woman" before he asks you out:
*local hero with heart of gold - (not doing it for any benefit to himself of course but for the feelz)
*relentlessly pursued by other women (of course he is!) but they're old so not his type anyway!
*has a hard time fending off jealous exes, and is making it clear to you that he won't put up with a up woman who questions his fidelity or relationships with other women
And most of all this: He did get possessive when a man in the group started talking to this woman he was dating and he would send him messages or have digs at his comments on group posts.

So he basically harassed and tried to intimidate a member of his own group (a man who presumably has social anxiety?) for talking to the woman he was dating?

🚩 🚩 🚩 everywhere IMO!

Mumofnarnia · 14/08/2022 20:58

Twawmyarse · 14/08/2022 20:53

So many red flags here it's impossible to untangle them all!

He sounds like he is desperately trying to present a certain image of himself to you and vet you to see if you're another "jealous woman" before he asks you out:
*local hero with heart of gold - (not doing it for any benefit to himself of course but for the feelz)
*relentlessly pursued by other women (of course he is!) but they're old so not his type anyway!
*has a hard time fending off jealous exes, and is making it clear to you that he won't put up with a up woman who questions his fidelity or relationships with other women
And most of all this: He did get possessive when a man in the group started talking to this woman he was dating and he would send him messages or have digs at his comments on group posts.

So he basically harassed and tried to intimidate a member of his own group (a man who presumably has social anxiety?) for talking to the woman he was dating?

🚩 🚩 🚩 everywhere IMO!

Omg this is exactly what I was trying to say in my post above. Far too many red flags for my liking - trying to create this perfect persona where all the women fall at his feet but not his type and then claim his exes all had a problem with him! Claiming they were all insecure and jealous of him but yet he’s admitted he’s worse, claiming they cheated on him and also claiming one was abusive. Sounds far too similar to one of my past relationships that became toxic and abusive and I had no choice but to leave

star70 · 14/08/2022 21:02

He had studied psychology so he would be well aware of behaviours and manipulation tactics.

OP posts:
ClearestBlue · 14/08/2022 21:05

When all the exes are crazy read the room and the red flags.

Run in the opposite direction if you have any sense.

StephenSurrey · 14/08/2022 21:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ClearestBlue · 14/08/2022 21:06

star70 · 14/08/2022 20:26

I think he can be a jealous guy. He said some exes have cheated on him which he said he has been cheated on 5 times. One was a domestic abuser. He has said 2 exes split amicably and they were good people. I just wish I knew what lead these women to say they don't want him running a social group or why did they cheat which I am not blaming him for their straying and cheating.

Oh come on, maybe 2% of this is true

Oopsiedaisyy · 14/08/2022 21:07

I'd be interested to know how many women's inboxes he's in

star70 · 14/08/2022 21:07

I just remembered he said some exes have blocked, unblocked and then blocked him which means he must be a nuisance or needy and refusing to accept they have ended the relationship.

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 14/08/2022 21:09

He sounds like a complete knob

FKATondelayo · 14/08/2022 21:12

He sounds like a narcissist and a bullshit merchant. No relationship should be generating this drama and anxiety BEFORE dating has even begun.

Honeyroar · 14/08/2022 21:12

Were all the exes from this group?

GreenManalishi · 14/08/2022 21:13

Why is it highly likely you will become a couple? Your gut is telling you that something is off, he sounds like a nightmare and it's highly likely you'd regret taking it any further.

Is jealous behaviour something you look for in a partner? What you can see now is 2% of whats likely to surface. Avoid. If you polled his exes I'm sure you'd hear different tale.

Mumofnarnia · 14/08/2022 21:13

star70 · 14/08/2022 21:07

I just remembered he said some exes have blocked, unblocked and then blocked him which means he must be a nuisance or needy and refusing to accept they have ended the relationship.

Most likely. Honestly when everyone on this post is telling you the same thing then I’d listen very carefully to what they’re saying. I have been in a jealous controlling relationship which turned abusive and violent. I imagine everyone else who has commented has some experience with these sort of men.
Too many red flags for me.
it starts out as them making them appear like the perfect likeable man doing good for the community and setting up groups, then comes the story about the crazy/ abusive exes, then comes the jealousy and controlling behavior and then it escalates into chipping away at your confidence/ self esteem. After that they get abusive and start with the name calling.
If it was me I would walk away

LaingsAcidTab · 14/08/2022 21:22

Nothing good will come of it, OP. You messaged here because in your heart of hearts you know this.

star70 · 14/08/2022 21:28

FKATondelayo · 14/08/2022 21:12

He sounds like a narcissist and a bullshit merchant. No relationship should be generating this drama and anxiety BEFORE dating has even begun.

I am getting stomach anxiety over this and I have not had that feeling in 6 years.

OP posts:
star70 · 14/08/2022 21:33

Honeyroar · 14/08/2022 21:12

Were all the exes from this group?

One was through church, others from Plenty of Fish dating site and some from this group.

OP posts:
Forcefield · 14/08/2022 21:33

star70 · 14/08/2022 21:28

I am getting stomach anxiety over this and I have not had that feeling in 6 years.

Well done for consulting people here. It's good you weren't alone.

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